lala27

Good morning all... I am trying to sort out what I should do, any input is appreciated. We got engaged 5 years ago (after the birth of dd), but I refused to even set a date until we worked our problems out. Obviously that hasn't happened and we have grown further apart. I have expressed several times over the past year or so that I have no desire to pursue a relationship with him, and I guess he has finally gotten it through his head. He is now asking for his ring back so he can sell it and have money to move out. So this is what's going through my head... On one hand I want to give it back and have this relationship over once and for all. I do believe if the woman calls off the engagement she should give the ring back. If I give it to him I would ask him to have his plans set and give it to him right before he moves out. On the other hand I question how long it would last. He probably would just blow through the money and not be able to support himself. I feel a woman should give back the ring under normal circumstances, but I feel I have a right to keep it. Who knows how long he will hold his job, if he can/will pay child support, or be able to help with child care. So I feel I should keep it to pay for child care if I need to. If he pulls through, I can always give it back. If I keep it am I justified in keeping it? Any other thoughts or advice?? Thanks.

HopefulmomtoD

It sounds like you've thought it all through. Does he owe you any money now? If not, I like the idea of saying you'll give it back once he makes plans to move out.

mfanch

*I* would return it.

Also, I wouldn't create expectations regarding future payments as we set ourselves up to be hurt that way. I would focus on MY side of the street and not his. Keep the focus on you, your child, and moving forward.

HTH

SolTraveler

I think you have a right to keep it, personally. But if you think giving it back would get him out of your hair, do it. However, do not expect to get anything else from him - money, etc.

mfanch

The ring is a symbol of your promise to marry him. You broke it off. The ring is his property then. Many courts would agree if he sued you for it.

I would keep it separate from the money issues or the "you didn't change so i get to keep the ring" stuff. Neither of them are related, really, to the ring issue. I would get him out and move on with your life.

AlcoholicLove

If you broke off the engagement, you should give him the ring back.

marie1960

The ring is separate from your other life issues.

You said you have NO desire to continue your relationship with him. There is your answer.

I would return it, move on, and never look back.

lillamy

I think the ring should be your parting gift to him after he has moved the last things he owns out if your home.

Because he will be surprised at the low resell value of an engagement ring. So you want him out before he finds that out.

ShootingStar1

Lillamy, gold is close to $1500 an ounce now, was $880/ounce in May 2008. Diamonds, depending on the size, are up about 30%, so that ring is probably worth more now than it was when purchased even if the gold is just melted down.

ShootingStar1

Rosiepetal

As you have a child together suggest you keep it & have it held & gifted to your daughter when she is older.
Then there's no argument.
If finances get desparate it could be sold to cover costs for the child.

SolTraveler

Now there is an idea!!

I believe in my state that engagement rings are considered a gift - you might want to check it out with a lawyer in case. I know the others are right that in some cases they are part of a contract.

Crazed

[male point of view]
Back to the basics- forget about alcoholism, projecting fears of future finances and obligations, etc.
An engagement ring is more than the worth of it metal and stone value. It is a symbol of love and commitment for the rest of your lives. If you called it off (no matter what the reason) you are rejecting the symbol, and i feel you should give it back.

Florence

Your state should have a clear law about this. It's not just a sentimental thing. It's an asset. If you're at all concerned about keeping the money for yourself, do the research.

I'm not much of a romantic about these things. Think strategically.

lillamy

Shootingstar, maybe it's just where I live but what i was offers for my engagement ring & wedding band was a pittance. I'm having them melted down & redesigned as pendants for my girls instead..

Lulu39

I just weighed some of my rings and an engagement ring would have to be a great big whopper of gold to weigh even an ounce.

I say give it to him but like lillamy says, make sure he's moved all his stuff out first.

Taking5

Keeping or giving back an engagement ring is a legal issue. There are tons of laws on this. It is generally considered a conditional gift, unlike most gifts where it is yours forever. If taken to court, the court may go through a fault-finsing process like any other civil claim, so you are probably on pretty good terms, but some states have archaic laws and the ring goes back to the buyer regardless of fault. So google up "engagement ring law". Warning there is a lot of stuff out there on this.

chicory

If you are worried that he might not support his child, I would keep it.

ShootingStar1

Didn't mean to make everybody find tiny scales and weight their rings!!!!!!!

Lillamy and Lulu, you are probably right it wouldn't be worth that much unless the ring is very thick stock and 18K, not 14K, and the diamond is large.

If it were me, I wouldn't want to give it to my daughter just because of the sentimental value it DIDN'T have....

I've been funny about things that my STBXAH gave me - I just don't want them around me. He was very sad that I left behind a piece of jewelry he gave me on our honeymoon and kept asking me to take it. I finally said I didn't want something from our honeymoon, and that was a whole new idea to him. Go figure!!!!

Lala, I think it matters more what the ring says to you when you see it. If it doesn't make you happy and brings back bad or unhappy memories, I'd give it to him and be done with it (him). Serenity is worth a lot.

ShootingStar1

Lulu39

Well...your audience is a boatload of codies...we tend to do stuff like that

AnvilheadII

i'd give it back. resale value is based solely on what the BUYER is willing to pay, and it's probably not going to garner nearly as much as you think/hope. at least, for me, not enough to make it part of my financial plan.

I would however set a firm move out date - that he does not have the financial wherewithal is NOT your problem. if you are concerned about child support, file for relief. and then reduce expectations on him manning up to right about zero.