Ann

I thought I'd start a thread because this has come up a few times lately and thought it might be worth sharing.

At one time in my life, okay so maybe I was younger then too...I socialized in bars and at parties or at weddings and special occasions where there was an abundance of alcohol and sometimes drugs too. My "friends" were there, this was what we did to socialize.

I was never much of a drinker, I enjoyed a few over an evening but never did like getting drunk, and I didn't do drugs. Even in the early days of pot I didn't care much for what I saw in people who smoked it.

In time I became uncomfortable in these kinds of social situations, I wanted to leave early...just as the "fun" was starting. I didn't like my friends when they were drunk or worse, and I never like loud music and a room filled with smoke.

I became more selective and found my invitations becoming fewer...and I liked it.

That's the beginning of my story. You all know the middle part where my son gets addicted to drugs and his life, my life, my husband's life all went down the toilet for a few years. And this thread isn't about my son, it's about me...except that the situation with my son's addiction makes me even more aware of my own choices today.

Skip to today. I rarely drink at all today, my husband doesn't drink at all (he did in his early years)...and neither of us do drugs ever. I may have one glass of wine with a nice dinner but that's the extent of my drinking today, I then switch to coffee and am finished my drinking. I may be with friends who drink about the same, some may even have 2 glasses but nobody gets drunk or even close and the company is pleasant and never unpredictable. I like this kind of socializing.

If I am invited to a party or wedding today, I will probably accept and go for dinner, stay for an hour or so to visit after dinner...and then excuse myself and leave before the heavy drinking begins.

My friends have changed, most of them don't drink at all or rarely, like me. I like these friends, I can count on them and they can count on me. I am no longer embarrassed to make an excuse to decline an invitation, I am not uncomfortable to say "no thanks" when offered alcohol, most times I take my own soft drinks so there is an easy alternative.

I still have some of my old friends, most do not live where I live and today if I visit my home town and want to see them, I invite them out to lunch and then have "other places I need to go" in the afternoon. We stay in touch, we laugh about the past and we catch up on grandkids and retirements...and then part company sober.

For me it was mindset. Once I thought about what was right for me I could figure out a plan that offended nobody (unless they chose to be offended) and worked in most situations. I stopped worrying about what others thought and started taking care of my own choices.

It's a good place to be, for me. I thought I'd share that and maybe others will share their struggles with this or how they too overcame the social discomfort.

Hugs

peacedove

Thank you, Ann. Nice to wake up to this message and story. I, too, will find a way, my way as we say, to do the things I used to do without a thought about it. For me, right now, seeing alcohol or placing myself in an environment where it is the main component is too hard. Maybe once my heart heals some more I won't feel the same. I don't know. Time will tell. The "collateral damage" cause by alcoholism/addictions goes far and wide and affects things many people never think of. I never thought of them either so I know. I can wish I was the way I was "before" about everything but bottom line is...I am who I am now and this happened so now deal with it. Hopefully, getting nauseas each time something comes up about alcohol, attending parties, BBQ's, weddings, outings with people who are not addicts or problem drinkers, will pass. Hopefully, it is just a stage because things are fresh with me. I don't want to let a past experience with the ex take away things in my future, too. I will find a way. I want to!

Anaya

Many, many years ago...

as a young person, I was quietly 'freaked out' by what I saw as the effects of drugs, though, knew and hung around for a time with many who participated; I just never liked the way I felt when I smoked marijuana and, the majority of the time, turned it down. Though, at that time, I did enjoy and was a weekend warrior with alcohol... Anyway, once some of the people that I knew and socialized with realized I wasn't going to do drugs with them, the invitations to hang out stopped.


Way back then, I hooked up with my then boyfriend/now husband, who could have a good time without drugs and the majority of the time without drinking.

Fast forward to the present - my son took me to a ballgame the other night and we had a great time. At some point, I realized I was sizing him up and judging him, watching how he had one beer after the other, then quickly realized that that was me at his age - just couldn't have fun without that beer in hand.

I occasionally have wine or beer these days.

laurie6781

Thank you Ann!!!

What a timely subject!!!

I first learned about 'having to change' friends as I recovered from my alcoholism and drug addiction. That it was going to be a HUGE endeavor and it was in some respects not so much the 'normies' I knew, but definitely most of my friends that drank at all.

I didn't understand how a 'normal' drinker, you know the kind that orders a glass of wine at dinner and then leaves the glass half full, could do that. That in itself was 'such a waste' to me, rofl. The first time that happened, I was about 6 or 7 months into recovery and it really 'bothered' me. I seriously wanted to finish that glass of wine for her. WHAT??? How could that be? Well, it certainly triggered my King Alcohol to RISE once again. It was then I realized, and was able to explain to those folks that for a while (and I did not know how long) I would have to stay away from any and all situations that might have alcohol in it.

Surprise, surprise, they understood!!! They made sure that if and when we went out to eat that none of them ordered wine or a beer. They all stated, and I believed them, that it was not that important for any of them to have a drink of alcohol with our meal. When we would go to a 'fancy' place that already had the 'wine glasses' on the table, all of them would quickly (usually before I could, lol) turn their glasses upside down, which is a signal to the waiter/waitress not to pour any wine for said person.

I also was 'fearful' at first about getting decent service because I know the mindset for a lot of waiters/waitresses that the alcohol raises the 'total' on the bill and thus a 'better tip'. lol However, once we had been to a 'fancy restaurant' and then returned we actually would 'hear' the wait staff arguing over who was going to serve us (we did do and I still do give pretty hefty tips). My 'fears' quickly dissipated, and those folks are still very great friends to this day, and yep on their way through my town, we always get together, or if I travel to their area we get together.

Real friends, true friends, at least for me, have come to be those folks that think like me, act like me, have some of the same interests, etc When I started attending Alanon in addition to my AA was when I started to get a 'real perspective' on what friendship is about, and it was in Alanon that I started to learn 'how to be a friend' rather than a codependent! Thank you Alanon. Thank you Alanon members that put up with me, and my early 'arrogance' being a sober and clean alcoholic.

I found for me, that as my life and my attitudes about life changed, so did many of the 'so-called' friends I had, also change. To me, the friends and acquaintances I have today are a 'direct result' of the program(s) I work today. Friendship in my life today is truly a blessing!!!

Thank you Ann for starting this thread!!!

Love and hugs,