prodigal

Okay ... so he's been driving me nuts about lack of sex. I wanted to do it once last week, but he was semi-sober, so that meant he acted like he had about as much personality as a lobotomy patient. Tonight - just like last night - he goes up to bed - no good night, no kiss, no nothing.

Believe me - as you all know - if he was drunk he would have been ranting and raving about my lack of physical intimacy.

So, I go upstairs. Okay, he's asleep. He didn't appear to be particularly trashed to me. I start revving his engine (let's keep this G-rated - no details necessary). Response? Snore. Further response? Snore.

Yet when he came home, I get my breasts grabbed like I'm some sort of cheap piece of meat. I get it know - "Just give me what I want WHEN I want it." Waaaaaahhhhhhh - big baby girl!!!!

Detach, detach, detach. When they don't make you want to puke and you actually want them, they're either passed out or too drunk to perform.

Bottom line: control, control, control and me, me, ME!!!! YUCK!!!!!!

sunflowergal29

Yeah- sounds like a mind game to me. He'll realize its not effective when he doesn't get the reaction he's looking for.

stressedout

well, Prodigal I think I have you beat, My AH passed out snoring right in the middle of everything! He has a problem with my weight I gained 30lbs when I quit smoking, so the only time I could even get anything close to sex was 2 or 3 am. and Id better hurry.when he drinks nothing works, I finally told him,if you drink any at all there will be no sex, they are not anywhere close to good as they think they are when he drinks,so he cant gripe at me if nothing happens.balls in his court. I know how you feel,I am sorry its very painful, I think they just do this to make you feel as uckie as they do I will keep you in my prayers

prodigal

Hmmmm .... was just typing my message and it vanished. Anyway .... I hear what you're saying completely!!! I've had my ex just roll over and start to snore in the middle of sex. Performance (well, you KNOW what I mean ....) has never been a problem, but he really doesn't enjoy sex all that much - how could he when he's trashed? Anyway .... yeah, it's a mind game and one I no longer play. I'm not my husband's - or any man's - *****. I'm not a piece of meat to be grabbed and fondled at their time and place.

Typical A's reaction, though - "Give ME what I want when I want it - waaahhhh!!!" Well, he got what he wanted when I wanted it and he didn't like that. Screw this - lovemaking isn't about one-upmanship!!!!

Sad ..... very, very, sad.....

Pony

Yes, I share in that lack of sex syndrome. Alot of what you described Prodigal is what I have gone through with my SO....and also more in the last few years it's like what Stressedout says...my SO hates my weight and doesn't find me attractive any longer. Our sex life really dwindled when I started refusing....(more or less being busy when...) when he was/is drunk. He is like a rubber doll expecting me to do all the work while he proceeds to pass out if I take toooo long with him...(trying to keep it "G" rated) but he would want to go for it while our daughter was still awake.....she is only 7 and she was younger then....! Talk about wanting it when HE wants it!! sheesh!

So now we currantly share a residence but not a bed... ...

splendra

hey Kids,

I keep reading that your A's want what they want when they want it and to heck with your needs. Try to realize that it is not the man but, the disease you are dealing with. Refuse the disease! Not the man. When you are being treated like a piece of meat that is the disease...get free go to the other room don't put up with it....Realize by putting up with his abusive, blundering behavior while drunk or high actually does strip him of dignaty cause he does know he is wrong.
When he is sober try to talk about sex with him. Tell him when he is high that he is no fun for you and to please try to control himself. Also tell him you still want him(maybe tell him this first).Tell him what turns you on about him and when you see this in him be very vocal about it. Men need their ego's stroked. It is hard for us to understand this sometimes especially when they are drunk or stoned much of the time. This is not the time for ego stroking cause then it is the disease you are talking to.
Is he grumpy when sober? His disease is telling him what a jerk he is and he feels really guilty and ashamed. Do something girls this is your oppertunity to get in a few good words of encouragement don't hit below the belt. Ask your higher power to teach you how to talk to him in a way that doesn't cause him more shame. I can assure you he has a truck load of shame and guilt. Come here with your anger he knows he is wrong believe me. We didn't cause it we can't cure it and we can't control it either. But we don't have to Continue our part of the insanity.
I believe issues of sexuality is part of what draws us into addiction because that is the core of who we are and so many of us have been damaged especially men and women. Consider it. Love ya'll

Dan

I just would like to thank everyone here for this dialogue.
As a non-practicing sexual being, I find much information and hope in these posts. Addiction has for one of its most vile consequences the loss of intimacy and sexual love. I think that is another reflection of just how deep this disease affects all of us. It is strong enough to negate a primordial human instinct.
Again, thank you.

Lorelai

Oh ladies, I could write a book on this one but what really hit me was the "he has a problem with my weight gain" and "hates my weight gain and doesn't find me attractive anymore". Please don't do that to yourself. You both sound like wonderful, caring, beautiful women to me. A man loves you for you - not for a size 2. It's not you - it's them.

My H told me that he had to go to strip bars because I wasn't good enough. I lost 30 pounds and (surprise!) I apparently still wasn't good enough. I'm good enough for me and that's what matters!
Hugs - L

spirit

hey girls,

i wouldnt bother, just go down the sex shop, with some mates, make a party of it if you are shy etc, and bring home a toy. you will gain two things

a) you will have something to play with and get pleasure (g rated i guess)
b) when he finds it, or you show it to him, he might realise he is not performing appropriately. (he will say why do you need that, you can say "i dont - but you do"

he might get the *****, but hey you can still have some release (g rated again)

kath

stressedout

Hi all, First I must say how happy I am to find this message board and to realize Im not the only one out here, I now believe this whole weight issue is just their way of bringing you down to there level, my SO had made me feel so ugly,fat, unwanted that I felt the only affection or sex I could get was what he would do, I didnt feel I deserved any better. It was the most horrible time of my life, It didnt matter how nice I looked,nothing never a "you look nice" the harder I tried the worse it got. If we went anywhere all I heard was how nice and good looking so&so is.I wondered to myself "what am I chopped liver" after a 5yr battle with sever depression,panic attacks and all the other stuff. I realized what I was doing to my self, I had a cabinet full of drugs I had to take and guess what? I still felt like crap! Sex when used incorrectly can be a devestating emotion. after 2 yrs counceling, I am strong, I no longer take meds,which he hates cuz now I have a brain! I just told him flat out, no sex! until your behavior changes towards me. and not just being drunk or high either,he must and will treat me like a woman. I know Im not ugly, I am beautiful inside and out. for some reason they seem to feel if you have sex with them everything is ok! so good or bad you did it so we are ok right? doesnt matter if they hurt you,didnt work, passed our during, The thought of well if I didnt he would fine someone else.well if that happens so be it Ill cross that bridge if I have to later, but, I will no longer be drgraded or treated like crap,nor will he demean me anymore, I wont go to his level. I do what I have to do,and hopefully he will come around, I just really dont believe its sex to them,its an emotional tool forthem to hurt us with, well enough venting thanks for listening

Lorelai

Stressedout - You go girl !
I started to feel like I was being used. No other intimacy or emotional support except sex. It was just another thing he wanted and I happened to be handy. (No pun intended.)

The weird thing is that I am willing to give up sex in order to stay with him. That doesn't make any sense to me but a lot of things I've done don't make any sense to me so ..... on it goes.

Glad you're here. Sounds like you are doing a great job of working on you !
L

stressedout

Hey,thanks its been a very long road so far, whats sex? I think I gave that up some time ago,what Im looking for is romance and compaionship. I hope that one day he will be there. I want my friend back,and everything else will follow! Hang in ladies thanks alot,you are all in my prayers

McKrazy

i think what's tough for me is the on again/off again aspect. I've always had the off-limits when drinking.... but that's not allowed for much "on" time, then. So the few days when he's not drinking, life is still going on, I'd like to spend it having an adult conversation, the kids would like to spend time together, and frankly it feels so contrived. But OMG, if we miss one of those days you'd think I'd let the air out of his tires...... frustrating to say the least. And really, should sex be this hard (forgive the pun, none intended)? Should it have to be scheduled between drinking days? I say, I miss it, but the intimacy is what's most difficult to give up and that has nothing/everything to do with sex for me! Okay, I'll stop whining now.... just needed to vent, I guess, thought I had given that part of life over, guess not....

myles1

My ex was such a dunce when it came to sex. He was totally out for himself.

He thought foreplay for me was just horrible. So if he was done before I was he'd say "not my fault you're slow".

Ngaire

jessieandme2003

My AH wants it all the time. Everyday! if its been a few days he is complaining and sure there is soemthing wrong between us. Tells me maybe I am too old, etc etc. He grabs me whenever he wants, and wherever he wants, and he knows I hate it. Its so degrading. Nothing about a dirty smelly glassy eyed goof is attractive, but I guess he doesn't see that. :-)

2ndBest

Yep, yep, been there. He knows better than to touch me if he has been drinking, though. Since this seems to be all of the time, I am pretty much off the hook. Helps to be so pregnant, too.

The selfishness never ceases to amaze me, though. It's always about them, them, them. Why do I want to give him even more, when he has already taken so much?

Children, all of them!

Pony

You know I have tried to reply to this post three times.....and do to gliches I keep losing them....so I try again. I had to go back and re-read what I wrote and the responses after, and I have to say I need to restate somethings.

1~It's not so much that I refused him....because, being the people pleaser that I am, I still performed...for him and but my heart wasn't in it and hasn't been. When it first started down hill it was because he would want it when our daughter was awake...she was very little but young enough to just put in a crib and go on about business. he would get put out and pout. Then came the attitude about me and my performance to him. He started critcizing anything and everything I was doing...it wasn't right and then he's fall asleep. Well he's be drinking all night....nothing was going to be right. So after a while of putting up with that I finally said.....not when you've been drinking all night...that it was not fun for me. So our times together dwindled less and less til there wasn't any more intimacy contact at all. It's not that I out and out refused....because I really like that activitity, but it turned into a put down on me and everything in me took a nose dive....thought I lost my touch, which I had never had any complaints before "him"! Just lost interest in him when I realized he lost interest in me...... he just wanted it done...didn't realy matter that it was me...could have been a machine and not sure if he would have cared! Even when my ex-H was cheating on me he at least was still sleeping with me. Until we couldn't work it out any longer and separated. For me I have to feel at least a little wanted...and with my SO I know he doesn't really....so, I don't interested in trying with him anymore. Does that make sense?

Anyway, ladies, I just totally relate to this sexual problem with our addicts that you are having. We're not alone. Thankfully I have friends that are supportive and caring to help me through the lonely times when I need companionship and affection....I am a hugger.....Love my hugs!!!

Splendra, I do understand about the disease and not the man.

Spirit~as for toys....not for me unless a man comes attached with them. I truely prefer the human contact.....much more personal....if I wanted impersonal...I'd climb on him while he was sleeping....LOL

findingmyslf

just wanted to comment that I am with you all on this one. I have an AH who never wants it when sober (which isn't that often) but always wants it when drunk. Sometimes I give in (or else I never get anything!!) or I am too disgusted. I was just wondering if this affected anyone else the other day...I guess I got my answer. Now I know its not just me...It's definetly the disease and who wants to have sex with a bottle of Bud? That's how I feel sometime. He might as well just be the bottle of Bud...

tootiredmom

I was also very glad to see this post cause I thought this was just happening to me. It was embarrassing to talk about. I am not over-weight, am tall, thin and blonde and very athletic. He still seemed to never be interested... would tell me, when I would ask, "okay, you can do it, but you have to do all the work and get it up." and he'd lie there and I'd try to make him enjoy it and he'd only say he liked to f***k me. Not make love. He turned down oral sex... and told me "you taste terrible!" How humiliating that was to me. Well, I just stopped asking and he then noticed and got a little interested and he started biting my nipples and other parts and then he almost raped me in the bath tub once. After that nothing is the same. I can't hardly allow him near me and now that he is sober, he wants it all the time and thinks if we do it, everything is okay. I was feeling so guilty about his problem, I'd have sex with him and I felt violated every time... even raped. No more. He can have it when I want it on my terms. Thanks for putting this out here.

Dan

Then again, maybe I'll try to join this dialogue at a later time.
I apologize for popping in.
Thank you.