koaloha

I am new to this site and new to the idea that I will be making some changes in my life regarding my relationship with my brother. I recently figured out that my mother has had Borderline personality disorder our whole lives and I am working on dealing with that right now too. My brother is slightly older than me at 30. Has been an alcoholic since he was about 17 and has a good business job and is a high functioning alcoholic. To outsiders, I don't think anybody knows he has a problem but to us ( the family members) it is too much to bear. I have 2 nieces ( 8 and 2) he is a single father with split custody with two different mothers. He is very arrogant, narcissistic, everything is about him, only has conversations that are about him, is always late to any event no matter how important - when I try to tell him something in a conversation it is like he does not even hear me talk to him. He is a closet drinker a lot where he will be drinking coke all night at a family get-together but then you find out afterwards that even though you cannot tell he is drunk he has had about 4 or 5 strong drinks. In his own house however he drinks like a fish regularly no doubt as seen by the evidence in his basement (the empties) or when it is an acceptable drinking holiday he gets so drunk it makes me bothered to the point where I get angry. In my family everybody walks on eggshells around the subject, my parents enable by endlessly supplying money and favors and bailing him out for fear of being cut off from him and his children and my younger siblings are too young to see that it is a problem because they are 21 and 24 and drink all the time themselves so they dont get it. When he was in high school my parents tried to address the problem but he reacted violently - and I fear that just bring up the subject will get a majorly violent reaction. I would have ZERO problem going NC with him but I fear for my niece who is 8 years old and does not have a mother to support her or any other stable adults in her life other than my wife and I who practically had a hand in raising her. I am torn and I feel like my current path is an enabling one but I am at a loss and searching for different ways to approach the situation. Please - any kind of take on the situation is very welcome. Thanks

koaloha

I would like to add that almost all of the contact we have now - is only because he calls me asking me for favors such as watching his kids, or bringing him gas because he ran out driving down the road, or he needs his locks fix on his house, or something else fixed in his house. He always calls 5 minutes before he needs to get bailed out and I cannot think of one instance that he has contacted me for anything other than using me for a favor in years - kind of why I feel like I am ready to move on from the stagnant relationship.

Recovering2

Hi Koaloha, welcome to this forum. You will find a lot of useful information, although it is often not easy to read what you don't want to confront yet.

I also have an A brother. I had to detach and step out of his life several years ago. You will learn the 3 C's here and in AlAnon. We didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. There is nothing we can do to change the A. The fact that your brother is "high functioning" (I personally don't believe in that) is a temporary thing. It is a progressive disease, so he will eventually become worse. There is no avoiding that.

The ONLY thing you can do is decide what your boundaries are for your own healthy life. You seem to be at his beck and call, why? If he is high functioning, he can get someone over to fix locks, etc. He is using you, and you are letting him. A's are great manipulators, it helps protect their disease. When you set boundaries, you don't have to announce them. Boundaries are for you, not for the A. They keep YOUR life in order.

It IS possible for you to set your boundaries. I learned something very important when I went through a family recovery program. "No" is a complete sentence. We have the right to say No. We don't need to explain it, rationalize it, justify it. If something makes us uncomfortable, or we don't want to do it, as adults we can just say No. Try saying No to your brother. If he reacts, that's okay. He can have his reaction, it doesn't need to affect or change your answer. Do it enough, he'll get the message.

Find an AlAnon group near you. I encourage you and your wife to attend at least 6 meetings. You will find HUGE support in those meetings. No judgement, just support and complete understanding. All our stories in those meetings are different, yet all the same. I understand your concern for your niece. You said he has split custody with 2 different mothers, so I'm assuming she has a Mom who can step in? You can make her Mom aware of your concerns, but there isn't alot more you can do.

Keep reading, keep posting, find an AlAnon group.

koaloha

Thanks Recovering2. I am a little nervous going to a group since it is uncharted territory but I will be checking that out. Thank you for the reassurance.

Recovering2

The hardest thing in the world is walking in the doors of an AlAnon meeting that very first time. No one sets out in their life to be part of this group. No one enters those doors because life is peachy wonderful. My first meeting I couldn't make myself get out of the car! But once you make that courageous first step, you'll be glad you did. Every one in that room had to make that decision at one time, so everyone understands what it takes to go to a meeting. It's one hour....if there's even a slight possibility that it will help you...it's worth one hour.

My relationship with my brother was hell at one point. AlAnon helped me detach and set boundaries. It got a little rougher in the short term, but saved us in the long term. I am able to let him live his life, keep a safe distance, keep my boundaries and feel compassion/love for him.

koaloha

Thank You for the words of encouragement. I am in need.