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so i got this friend...

Old 05-04-2013, 01:15 AM
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Unhappy so i got this friend...

...she's a fellow alcoholic. i met her in AA. she had a few days more sobriety than me but we were pretty close. well, she picked up her 1 month chip and graduated from Intensive Outpatient a little while ago and just a couple of days later i hear she's picked up drinking again. i text her to let her know i'm thinking about her once a day.

last Saturday she texts me back and asks if i can come over and grill out that evening. Sure! i say, thinking that she's quit drinking and reaching out for fellowship. well, i text her to tell her i'm going to be late and her hubby texts back that she's wasted drunk. i end up going over and talking to her about what she's going to do. she's bad enough that i'm worried about her detoxing at home. sadly, the detox place she wants to go to insists that the police determine that she's a danger to herself. i convince her to let her husband call the cops. cops come, are quite nice and take her off. she's in detox for 6 days.

she was home yesterday. today, texts me back that she's been talking to family all day on the phone (she called it being social) and that she's going to a meeting Saturday. hmmmm. well, i go to my meeting and afterwards i see that she's texted me again, which is unusual. from her: "Somehow,imtopless n hubby is gone." "Maybe i need company" topless? wtf? very not like her and my suspicion is confirmed by a text from her husband saying he's left the house because she's wasted again and he is too upset to be there.

so i call my sponsor and we talk a little and i call my friend. she's hammered. we talk for a bit and i got a drunken promise to meet at 3PM Saturday at the Alano Club. i tell her that i have a morning meeting and brunch i'm going to but to call me if she finds herself planning a liquor run. i wish i could say that i'm hopeful about tomorrow but to be honest, i'm about 95% sure she's going to be drunk before 3. i'm clinging like crazy to that 5% though.

does anyone have advice for what i can/should do in this situation? i can't take her to meetings but i can help her find rides. i don't want to feel responsible for her and i don't want to beg her to go to meetings. all i'm doing now is texting her once a day to let her know i'm thinking about her and encouraging her to go to meetings and talk to her sponsor. she's playing the blame game a lot and bragging about how intelligent she is (then brushing it off that she doesn't really blame anyone and that she's not THAT smart). i fear that she's just not being honest with herself right now. *sigh* i know i don't have a lot of sobriety but i got a damn good bit of experience being a delusional drunk. i hope i'm doing right by her and me. any advice, y'all?
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Old 05-04-2013, 01:45 AM
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As they say, you can carry the message but not the person. She has to want sobriety for herself, not much you can do in that regard. A member of a group I go to is a serial relapser, even after treatment, duis, etc. Everyone is there for her, but she has a hard time staying sober.

Be sure to keep your sobriety safe! That's one thing you can do, show her it can be done. Best to you!
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Old 05-04-2013, 01:47 AM
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Grits make sure none of what this person does effects your striving for sobriety or sanity.

I'd make sure that i had firm boundaries with someone who was still using / drinking like only meeting them at meetings or chatting to them when they are sane and wanting sobriety and willing to listen .

Stay stong and focus on your health and well being , how much is this person helping YOU ? and how are they making YOU feel ?

A strong sober happy Grits will be able to help lots of people in the future Don't martyr yourself upon someone elses addiction , you got enough to deal with .

Bestwishes, M
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Old 05-04-2013, 05:21 AM
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I would say that she should call you when she is sober. You are too fragile in your own sobriety to be around all that.

Also, you should always have people with you when you go on 12th step calls, no matter HOW much time you have.
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Old 05-04-2013, 05:35 AM
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Hi. the phrase woman for woman was coined for good reasons. Try the above suggestions. BE WELL
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Old 05-04-2013, 05:48 AM
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I really think you should focus on your own recovery at this time. Gosh, I was way too vulnerable in early recovery to try to help someone else. Give yourself a little time.
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Old 05-04-2013, 05:57 AM
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I'd agree with the others DG, you need to focus on your recovery first and foremost this early on. As much as we want to help others, it can't be at the expense of ourselves, especially in the very early stages you are in. And it sounds like your friend hasn't been able to make the decision to quit herself, even after multiple rehab stints. Even if you were 10 years sober you won't be able to help her until she wants to quit
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Old 05-04-2013, 07:15 AM
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I could barely help myself in early sobriety, never mind someone in this condition. I know you want to help a friend, but this kind of situation is very stressful.

I'm afraid I would step away, to save myself.

Put your well being and sobriety first.
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Old 05-04-2013, 07:40 AM
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NEVER go to a 12 step call or to "help" a fellow alkie who is actively drinking alone. Find someone to go with you. Even when she/he's sober, take a friend. It's too easy to get sucked into drinking with them.

As said, you can only carry the message. Leave them alone and let them reach out to you. They are also capable of calling and finding their own rides to meetings. Tough love.

Detoxing regularly is a sign things aren't going too well, but that person is not yet ready to stay stopped.

Get to a meeting, say hello to the newcomer who needs a smile and a talk!
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Old 05-04-2013, 08:24 AM
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A good friend I made in AA went back out. It got to the point where I couldn't talk to her anymore because she was blaming the program for letting her down. All just excuses. Anyway I told her I loved her & would be here for her when she is ready to get sober. I hope she returns but I couldn't jeopardize my own sobriety anymore. No point in trying to get a point across to someone when they're drunk. I wish your friend the best.
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Old 05-04-2013, 09:07 AM
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Grits, you need to keep a healthy distance. You cannot rescue her - she can only save herself. Think of your own recovery.

I recently went to the rescue of a (close) friend from my relapse prevention group who had embarked on a bender. I was so shocked and devastated by her deterioration that I inanely went and bought a bottle (then more and more). I was too vulnerable to deal with her crisis and too blind to realise that I was out of my depth.

In a nutshell, I allowed her problem to become my problem!!

You're a good friend and obviously care about her but you must look after yourself. Be there for her only when she's sober or you could end up being dragged right down.

That's not selfish, just sensible.
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Old 05-04-2013, 10:54 AM
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thanks for all the advice, everyone! yeah, i'm not going to let her distract me from my sobriety. i went to a brunch and meeting this morning (even though i only had about 3.5 hours of sleep!). i've texted her and asked her to contact me before 2. that way, i'm not on the hook going to a meeting i'd rather not go to (going to another meeting this evening as well). if she's sober, i'm happy to go to the 3PM meeting.

well, she just texted me that she's sober and we're still on. i hope this meeting helps her. i want my friend back. i'll stay focused on me though and if she wants to tag along or invites me to a meeting then that's fine. we'll see how this goes. thanks again!
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Old 05-09-2013, 06:56 PM
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DG, I was told as a newcomer not to hang with newcomers. They will pull you down before you ever pull them up and it is already affecting your peace of mind.

Your recovery should be number #1. I learned that lesson the hard way.


Love her and pray for her from afar.
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Old 05-09-2013, 07:06 PM
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I don't have much to add but I feel compelled to contribute. When I first tried to get sober I met someone in a similar state in a meeting. We ended up going to the bar after and getting sloppy drunk. I'm not saying this would be the case with you, I would just keep my distance at this point.
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Old 05-09-2013, 07:19 PM
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Originally Posted by upandup View Post
carry the message but not the person.
This. ^^^^^

You've your own fish to fry Grits. Praying for you and your friend.
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Old 05-09-2013, 07:23 PM
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I didn't get into this sobriety game to get involved with more drunk drama.

I bet you didn't either. You have enough on your own plate.
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Old 05-09-2013, 09:36 PM
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Originally Posted by deeker View Post
DG, I was told as a newcomer not to hang with newcomers. They will pull you down before you ever pull them up and it is already affecting your peace of mind.

Your recovery should be number #1. I learned that lesson the hard way.


Love her and pray for her from afar.
Deeker has a lot of experience, she has given you some great advice.

I also don't have much to add yet feel compelled to reply. I am worried about you, because I do not think you should be spending time with someone who is unsure of whether or not she wants to recover.
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Old 05-26-2013, 06:04 PM
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focus...just doesn't sound right
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Old 05-26-2013, 06:31 PM
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Read working with others in the big book has a lot of great information
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