So lost
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Toledo, OH
Posts: 5
So lost
I'm sorry in advance for the lengthy post...I just dont know where to turn or who to talk to.
My name is Kaitlyn and I'm 25. I'm one of 3 children and am the only one in my immediate family that is not an addict. My parents have both been alcoholics as well as abusers of opiates for my entire life.When I was 15 my parents separated and i lived with my mom since I had always been the closest with her. When I was 18 I was living on my own when my mothers siblings coerced her into a 90 day rehab for woman hours away from me. She was sober for 5 years and I was so proud of what an amazing person she was. Within the past 6 months my mother has relapsed. First with pain killers and now with alcohol. After being confronted she moved clear across the country near two of her sisters where I believe she thought she could escape her problems. Shes only been there for 4 months and has managed to have a complete break down...hiding her relapse...lost her job and isolating herself from everyone. I knew she was spiraling downward a while ago so I did the only thing I knew I could and that was to inform our family and lots of prayer. She's going to lose her apartment and all of her belongings and shes so depressed and strung out that she doesnt care at all. She wont talk to me and is even seeming to be angry with me for no reason. She has relayed to my sister who is also an addict that the only person she wants to talk to is my father(the man she has despised for the past 10 years unless she needs money). The night he found out about her breakdown due to a hysteric phone call from her he booked an immediate flight to see her. He has been there for 2 days now and no one will answer my calls. I just know that even though he is pretending to "save her" that he really wants to watch her crash and burn. I have a feeling that he's providing her with more pills and alcohol. I know there's nothing I can do about that because she is the only person that can make decisions for herself. Every moment I'm awake I'm suffering with such sever worry and panic. I'm so sad, disappointed and am growing inside with RAGE. I'm to the point where I've convinced myself that I dont want anything to do with my parents anymore. Apparently my mom might move back home when my dad comes back and she's asked my sister if she can stay with her. This makes me so angry as well. It's so hard to make this a short story and to also describe my feelings. My mother is and has been my rock...I feel that I still need her but I'm so mad! I dont have anyone around me with a voice of reason to talk to and its driving me mad building it all up inside. someone please help.
My name is Kaitlyn and I'm 25. I'm one of 3 children and am the only one in my immediate family that is not an addict. My parents have both been alcoholics as well as abusers of opiates for my entire life.When I was 15 my parents separated and i lived with my mom since I had always been the closest with her. When I was 18 I was living on my own when my mothers siblings coerced her into a 90 day rehab for woman hours away from me. She was sober for 5 years and I was so proud of what an amazing person she was. Within the past 6 months my mother has relapsed. First with pain killers and now with alcohol. After being confronted she moved clear across the country near two of her sisters where I believe she thought she could escape her problems. Shes only been there for 4 months and has managed to have a complete break down...hiding her relapse...lost her job and isolating herself from everyone. I knew she was spiraling downward a while ago so I did the only thing I knew I could and that was to inform our family and lots of prayer. She's going to lose her apartment and all of her belongings and shes so depressed and strung out that she doesnt care at all. She wont talk to me and is even seeming to be angry with me for no reason. She has relayed to my sister who is also an addict that the only person she wants to talk to is my father(the man she has despised for the past 10 years unless she needs money). The night he found out about her breakdown due to a hysteric phone call from her he booked an immediate flight to see her. He has been there for 2 days now and no one will answer my calls. I just know that even though he is pretending to "save her" that he really wants to watch her crash and burn. I have a feeling that he's providing her with more pills and alcohol. I know there's nothing I can do about that because she is the only person that can make decisions for herself. Every moment I'm awake I'm suffering with such sever worry and panic. I'm so sad, disappointed and am growing inside with RAGE. I'm to the point where I've convinced myself that I dont want anything to do with my parents anymore. Apparently my mom might move back home when my dad comes back and she's asked my sister if she can stay with her. This makes me so angry as well. It's so hard to make this a short story and to also describe my feelings. My mother is and has been my rock...I feel that I still need her but I'm so mad! I dont have anyone around me with a voice of reason to talk to and its driving me mad building it all up inside. someone please help.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Hi, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know how helpless you feel because I've felt it myself with my folks. This is a terrible mess and there isn't much you can do about it but take care of yourself and pray. And educate yourself on the addiction disease. A couple of things that might help is our analogy of taking care of yourself so you can help others in the future when you are healed and not acting out of desperation. Does that make sense? . If you have read around here you will see a reoccurring theme about that. I know it feels like " what can I do to help fix this?" and the panic sets in.
Have you ever been involved in Alanon or ACoA? That would be a great resource and of course the books we have listed above in the stickies. But posting here is a great help too.
Have you ever been involved in Alanon or ACoA? That would be a great resource and of course the books we have listed above in the stickies. But posting here is a great help too.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I'm so sorry you're in the position you're in.
Of course you're going to be angry. You didn't have a mom, then she got cleaned up and you did have a mom, and now she's been taken away from you again. Who wouldn't be angry in that situation?
Anger is a secondary emotion: you cannot feel anger without feeling something else first. If I had to take a guess, I'd guess that breach of trust is sitting underneath your anger, probably with a big whopping amount of grief too.
What can you do about it? Well, actually, while you say you know there is nothing you can do about 'it', there is. You can take care of yourself. You can spend a little time (or a lot of time, however long it takes) naval gazing and figure out what's underneath that anger and rage. Then admit to yourself that that's what you're feeling. Then find a healthy way of dealing with it.
Grief? Yes. Anyone who was sitting back watching their parent self-destruct would feel a terrible amount of grief. Possibly an overwhelming amount. Can you allow yourself to grieve? Can you sit with yourself while you feel those feelings, with no blame and no action?
Breach of trust? Well, you trusted your mom to be there for you, and now she's not. You can't do anything about HER decisions, but what will you do with YOUR feelings of breach of trust? I don't recommend allowing them to eat you alive, and redirecting them onto something else (blame shifting) or not dealing with them will do exactly that - eat you alive.
I have been there. I sat back and watched as my dad's drinking spiraled out of control. He didn't manage to kill himself with it though, he managed to get himself thrown in prison, where, due to his age, he may die. He may outlive his sentence, but this is what I dealt with. Was I angry? Oh yeah!! Why? Well, breach of trust was a big one as was grief. I don't know where the dad of my younger years went, but the alcohol took him and I no longer had him, and y'know, losing your parent, especially one you trusted and loved? That hurts. And hurt, often, leads to anger, especially when we don't have the ability to identify the loss for what it is.
I'm glad you found us. I hope someone else will come along to put into better words what I'm trying to say. You're not alone.
Of course you're going to be angry. You didn't have a mom, then she got cleaned up and you did have a mom, and now she's been taken away from you again. Who wouldn't be angry in that situation?
Anger is a secondary emotion: you cannot feel anger without feeling something else first. If I had to take a guess, I'd guess that breach of trust is sitting underneath your anger, probably with a big whopping amount of grief too.
What can you do about it? Well, actually, while you say you know there is nothing you can do about 'it', there is. You can take care of yourself. You can spend a little time (or a lot of time, however long it takes) naval gazing and figure out what's underneath that anger and rage. Then admit to yourself that that's what you're feeling. Then find a healthy way of dealing with it.
Grief? Yes. Anyone who was sitting back watching their parent self-destruct would feel a terrible amount of grief. Possibly an overwhelming amount. Can you allow yourself to grieve? Can you sit with yourself while you feel those feelings, with no blame and no action?
Breach of trust? Well, you trusted your mom to be there for you, and now she's not. You can't do anything about HER decisions, but what will you do with YOUR feelings of breach of trust? I don't recommend allowing them to eat you alive, and redirecting them onto something else (blame shifting) or not dealing with them will do exactly that - eat you alive.
I have been there. I sat back and watched as my dad's drinking spiraled out of control. He didn't manage to kill himself with it though, he managed to get himself thrown in prison, where, due to his age, he may die. He may outlive his sentence, but this is what I dealt with. Was I angry? Oh yeah!! Why? Well, breach of trust was a big one as was grief. I don't know where the dad of my younger years went, but the alcohol took him and I no longer had him, and y'know, losing your parent, especially one you trusted and loved? That hurts. And hurt, often, leads to anger, especially when we don't have the ability to identify the loss for what it is.
I'm glad you found us. I hope someone else will come along to put into better words what I'm trying to say. You're not alone.
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