mcconnell922

Hi again, Everything has been really good for nearly 12 months my RAH has stayed sober even through some tough times, got himself a job last month and everything was good or so I thought til tonight. He has been going into work early (as a driver) he text me around 4pm saying he was tired and going to bed for a couple of hours (he gets up at 2am) when I got home a 10pm he was fast asleep didnt even stir (not Normal) then he turned over and smelt what I thought was alcohol it played on my mind for an hour or so so I went looking.In his car was a bottle of vodka 3/4 empty. last time I thought he was drinking I found a full bottle and moved it and he went ape and said it was a test!!! this is a test he definatly failed. The question is do I confront him or see if it carries on???
Thanks

lizatola

I have been through this quite a few times. I had to ask myself the question: what is my motivation? You know what you know, more will be revealed both to him and to you. Focus on your own recovery and practice loving detachment. If he is working a program with a sponsor, maybe there's a chance he'll come clean in the AA environment and buckle down to work hard again, then again maybe not. These are the risks we take living with an addict/alcoholic because the risk of relapse is huge.

mcconnell922

Thanks hes not on a program at the moment but is due to start one via a court sentence so hopefully that will help or perhaps he'll just lie to them like he has to me and probation who knows!

Readysteady

Sometimes you have to "build a case" to see if there's a pattern starting vs a truly occasional slip up.

SolTraveler

I agree with this. I tend to keep tabs on my ABF probably more than I should and one hard lesson that I have learned is to keep my mouth shut unless I have a lot of evidence. Otherwise, it is too easy for him to rationalize or try to pass off as a fluke.

Then, if you have enough that you feel you should discuss it (e.g. you can't detach and ignore) try to bring it up in a concerned way rather than flipping out. Another hard lesson I have learned.

Living with an A is tough, whether he or she is currently drinking or not. if you are going to stay with him, you must learn detachment and when it is time to say something. I haven't mastered that skill yet myself.

Hammer

I set my standard (just talking me -- Not You) as when to do so (or not do so) would hurt the A or others. Sort of a commit no crimes of commission nor omission.

So for your example . . . I would likely take the bottle from the car, as is, and place it on the kitchen table -- or wherever -- not as a display, but so he can easily see and retrieve it, and nothing needs to be said at all.

Here is why: His job is as a driver -- usually requires a clean license. In most states, open containers are a moving / operator violation. Having an open bottle, even when he is not drunk, in the car, places his job and your family income and household at risk.

If he wishes to pursue a fight over it, I would ask him to take the bottle AND himself and go do their thing together, somewhere else than the house, and also not in the car.

btw, is the car in both your names? If he kills someone drunk driving, you as part owner may be dragged into the lawsuit.

mcconnell922

the car is in his name but joint insurance slightly different in the uk, thanks for the advice Hammer it makes sense I'm fed up with arguing