helltoraise

Day 10 of no contact.

I think this time he will not be back. So, how to start rebuilding?


I miss him. I am worried that I will be this empty shell person forever. Everything I try to do my mind draws a connection to him, us, his addiction. I even dream about him. I worry about his addictions. I still find myself trying to solve the issue. Even though I know I can't. I feel guilty at times like I failed him. Like I abandoned him or wasn't supportive enough or let my anger get the best of me.


I feel like my brain has been hijacked. It's not even all about our relationship. It's his addiction. Analyzing it over and over again. Feeling angry because it's obviously his first love. Feeling scared that it will take him in the end. Frustration because I sincerely wanted good healthy things for us. I didn't want things to end up unhealthy and "toxic." Rejected because I lost him.


It all seems so unreal. On a good note I think I found a better therapist. I see her for the first time next week. When I mentioned my ex has bipolar. She said, " so you may have been left with low self esteem." I appreciated this.....Not started out with low self esteem, but left with it. Yes, I was not this person 3 1/2 years ago.


What are some of the first little steps any of you took to feel like you were healing and finding your way back to you?

AnvilheadII

I miss him. I am worried that I will be this empty shell person forever. Everything I try to do my mind draws a connection to him, us, his addiction. I even dream about him. I worry about his addictions. I still find myself trying to solve the issue. Even though I know I can't. I feel guilty at times like I failed him. Like I abandoned him or wasn't supportive enough or let my anger get the best of me.

what if you change the focus...

I miss ME. I am worried that I will be this empty shell person forever. Everything I try to do my mind draws a connection to ME, us, MY addiction. I even dream about ME. I worry about MY addictions. I still find myself trying to solve the issue. Even though I know I can't. I feel guilty at times like I failed ME. Like I abandoned ME or wasn't supportive enough or let my anger get the best of me.

now is the time to make this about YOU. you deserve at least as much concern, don't you agree????

MyGirlGracie

HtR... I agree with Anvil... spend more effort and put more focus on yourself... it is the BEST insurance against ending up as an "empty shell person". It's only been 10 days?! It takes much longer than that to change an annoying habit so, be kind and patient with yourself... you will get through this!

lillamy

First step was realizing that regardless of how I felt about it, no contact was protecting me, both from him and from myself.

helltoraise

Thank you to all who responded. Good points all around. I do miss me. Maybe that is the real source of grief. When he first left I felt angry because I actually felt he stole my essence and was either going to be using it to seduce women or trying to transfer what we had somewhere else. I know that sounds crazy. He actually quoted me and used my philosophy of life in his break up speech as if it was his own. I felt like he swapped places with me in a sense. I had all his garbage and he skipped off with my goods. I'm sorting through the psychological "yours" and "mine." Not to be mean but I hope he doesn't get off so easily. I truly feel thrown away. He went on a lunch date and told me the woman was in competition with me from the go and she was awful. He says no woman can compare to me.....ugh games people play.

Newlook3

Hi, I'm in a similar place to you Helltoraise, except I'm not quite no contact yet but heading that way. I too feel just like you and am worried I won't ever recover from this. Somehow it feels worse than a 'normal' breakup because there is the added guilt of how are they and in my case I have made him almost my sole concern for the last 13 years, with the exception of my daughter, and he was even jealous of my relationship with her! Only recently he told me that he hated her and she made his skin crawl??!! That was the start of where I am now. I just wish it was easier to hate him and turn my brain off from thinking about him! Wishing you good luck.

marie1960

While I did not feel much like going out socializing that first year, ( I was always too afraid I would run into him) I did have friends over.

I joined a worthy charity organization, got to know some wonderful people.

I painted a couple of bedrooms.

Took a few over night trip with some girlfriends.

I cleaned the junk drawer, which over 15 years turned into 3 junk drawers.

Caught up on some books that I had been meaning to read.

And of course I spend more time visiting my adult kids and grandkids.

I gave myself permission to go forward. I accepted the situation for what it truly was. I was not responsible for him. He was an adult man, he certainly could care for himself, anyway that he chose. And he chose to drink every effin day of his life.

Basically, I reintroduced myself to my world. Life before addiction was good, and life after ending a relationship with an addict is even better. I now truly appreciate the peace and tranquility of home.

Just keep yourself busy, occupied, involved, it truly will get easier, and it is so worth the effort.

Better days are just around the corner.

hang in there.

helltoraise

Thanks again....Newlook3....good luck to you too...let me know how you progress. I too am afraid to go out. I am afraid I will run into him. My mind is stuck on romanticizing his new life without me and the pain of him not valuing me or our relationship. Thank you for the reassurance. Right now I feel like I will never be at peace with this and am frustrated to feel he is very much at peace with his choice to leave.

Newlook3

Helltoraise, I totally understand what you are feeling. I seem to be torturing myself thinking about him with someone new and it's killing me at the moment. I'm stuck in, not that I would want to go out at this time as emotions are all over the place but as I am not yet no contact I know he's out having a good time, not giving a stuff about me and as he equates sex with love he is probably looking for 'love' as I write this. I cannot begin to comprehend how he can forget the 13 years we shared so easily. I do think I will have to go no contact soon if only to stop torturing myself. I seem to be able to cope during the week as we didn't often see each other then, it's the weekends that are the hardest, I just want to be back at work to stop my brain from thinking about everything. He loved me a couple of weeks ago or so he said, now nothing.....god I sound so pathetic!

helltoraise

Newlook3-You are not pathetic. Dealing with loss is hard. It is hard knowing the person you love and value no longer chooses to return the love. My ex put up dating profiles shortly after he left. In one conversation he told me he wanted to fall in love. I was hurt because he didn't take care of the love we had. It seemed like an insensitive thing to say to me.

I know it will take time to grieve this. I just wish it wasn't so.

Newlook3

I have been told that he cannot be with someone who cannot be intimate with him. That suggests that we never had sex, that isn't the case! And recently as he had initially been 'attempting' to sort himself out that side of things had improved. When I tried to explain that I need to feel loved and respected for that to follow he just didn't get it. I've no doubt that he will be seeking intimacy with other women as I cannot give him that promise. Basically he was saying I will not change and if you don't want sex with me then I can't be with you. Even when we met up for coffee yesterday he said to let him know when I wanted another coffee or if he wanted him to stay over, I said its not the right time. He texted me after stating that I had proved his point that I didn't care/love him as I didn't want him to stay (sex again) but as yet no acknowledgement on his part that he may have caused this, apart from saying that he has realised that he is a bad egg....

helltoraise

Love and respect are basic building blocks of relationships. IMHO if he can't offer you these than perhaps he should question whether he should be pushing intimacy on you.
My ex seemed to not grasp my side of things as well. I don't know if that is a defense so they don't have to work on their part and just put it all on you.