atalose

I notice a lot of people come to SR with a similar story: I met the man of my dreams, he is my everything, my soul mate, we were meant to be together, it was destiny that we met, he is terrific with my children a good provider and I’ve known him all of 2 minutes or 2 weeks or 2 months or 6 weeks or 3 months, etc. etc. BUT he drinks a lot or he uses drugs…………..

They don’t know or understand what red flags are or how to recognize an un-healthy attraction to someone.

So I was thinking lets talk red flags, share what some of us have learned about them.

RED FLAG: you fall fast and hard in love with someone you hardly know.

LoveMeNow

Be careful of anyone who makes you feel too good about yourself. Red flag for both sides!!

Alone10

I ignored a million red flags. I guess love makes you blind!

DreamsofSerenity

They tell you they love you too soon. Both of my crazy x's told me they loved me after a week or something. It was weird but of course I wanted the adoration so I ignored it.

On my first date with my exabf, he brought me a CD he had burned of some Brazilian band and told me it reminded him of me. At the time I thought it was so thoughtful. Now I'm thinking WTF?? I don't even especially like Brazilian music, I don't speak Portugese, I don't have any Brazilian friends, I have no connection to Brazilain music whatsoever. That SHOULD have been a huge red flag too, a red flag that he was already seeing me as someone he was creating in his mind, not the real me.

He always wanted to leave to go home before I did (before we slept together). We'd be having a good time, kissing, drinking a little (before I knew he was an A), and he'd say, I need to go. I was always so confused by it because he didn't have kids at home or have to get up early the next day. And as soon as he'd get home he'd text and tell me how much he missed me so it didn't make sense. My intuition told me he was jonesing for something; I thought it was a cigarette although he did smoke in front of me. Now I realize he was in a hurry to get home so he could get totally wasted. That should have been a red flag too.

I could go on and on...

MTSlideAddict

RED FLAG: You find yourself obsessing or policing an adult person’s behavior. (I.E. searching cabinets or phone for evidence, GPS tracking or staking out a location of an individual, “monitoring” a loved one’s abuse of a substance of choice, or continuously believing the “I’m sorry. I’ll change.” speech.

ShootingStar1

That SHOULD have been a huge red flag too, a red flag that he was already seeing me as someone he was creating in his mind, not the real me.

WOW!!!!! I wish I had know that over 20 years ago!

ShootingStar1

Alone10

• Being told they "occasionally" smoke weed, then discovering it's everyday!
• Then finding out they deal drugs too
• Then finding out they take other drugs, not just weed
• Having plans ruined because he's running around delivering drugs to people
• Being cheated on because he's so off his face on drugs that he forgets he even has a girlfriend
• Being told they're not using heroin anymore, then finding heroin in their car, spoons, needles etc frequently
• When they place the guilt on you for them using heroin - because it's always your fault - you broke up with them after they cheated on you, you started an argument with them over something they did/didn't do etc
• When you threaten to leave due to their drug use and constant lies, so they tell you they'll kill themselves if you leave

So many red flags and I've ignored them all. If I was on the outside looking in, I'd want to give my butt a good kicking for being so stupid!!

LifeRecovery

For me only:

If I feel like I have been in a relationship like this before....

Often if they remind me of any of my FOO it is usually a sign that I am getting ready to learn something because I am getting ready to create something from my childhood.

CompletelyLost4

My red flags:

• When you start to feel sick when they call to say they're on their way home.
• You begin coming home at odd breaks in the day to see if they're passed out.
• They begin making excuses to miss all family get-togethers.
• You begin to wish they were cheating so you would have a "reason" to leave. (Ya know, because all of the above weren't reason enough.)

I could go on. . .

peacedove

For me:

All "friends" are put in subsets/groups but none of these groups know each other. Everyone is kept separate and socialized with completely differently.

A family member(ex's mom for me)calls daily(supposedly about the children), drops gifts almost daily, buys expensive things and provides for basic needs as well "just because". The man is 43 yo. It's always been this way-it always will be.

Every "closest" or "oldest" friend or buddy is actually a loser. The wives/gf's have stable, steady, high paying jobs. Or the others do not have a partner at all. Call them "free spirits" or whatever you want.

Ever being told "I forgot" or "I don't remember" about anything.

Saying you are "too sensitive" when you express hurt, concern...

Pupils that are either huge or pinpricks. When you ask "why is that?" they tell you they don't know what you are talking about. show them in the mirror and they tell you "i have no idea" or "huh, weird."

Telling you to "talk to a stranger if you need to but don't talk to family members if we ever have problems." Reason given? Family causes chaos and grief if they know too much.

If they speak poorly of their ex, had an extremely long and difficult divorce.

If they want to meet in a bar(no food menu). Sorry but I'll probably never go to a bar again.

If you hear "It's time for cocktails!!!" RUN. It's always time for cocktails...


Too many I know. But oh so many more....

CompletelyLost4

Telling you to "talk to a stranger if you need to but don't talk to family members if we ever have problems." Reason given? Family causes chaos and grief if they know too much.

peacedove - Boy does that one hit home! One of the things my AH was the maddest about when I moved him out???? That I called his parents. Living with an A makes you feel like you live a secret, second life - no one can know what really goes on at home.

peacedove

Yeah. It's secret alright. I didn't even talk to his family about it. I spoke to someone in my own family. Whew. Major transgression as he stated. Oh well, it helped me. Something he did not do. His addictions are so hidden even he doesn't know. Much less anyone else! Well, hun....I DO!

Hopeworks

For me:

That sizzling attraction ... somehow FOO/codie radar zones on hotlooking, charismatic (because they have to be) addictive/alkies.

If it sizzles too hot before you know zilch about character it is probably not healthy... that's my disease calling to his disease.

When you have that "soul" connection that is really sick hardwiring and brain chemicals and hormones swooning to get into a that relationship that is going to send you to the moon with highs and they start "sharing" their deepest darkest fears and how they have been soooooooo victimized by life.... bad childhood, bad wife, bad girlfriends, bad bosses... bad breaks, the economny blah, blah, blah...it is:::::::

1st Stage of QUACKING!

When they fit like a glove... they are the perfect match... it is because you blabbed about what Prince Charming was like so they "morphed" and "chameleoned" to get their mean hooks in deep before you knew what hit you.

Oh my... what memories... that's a start anyway.... moral of my story:

RED FLAGS: THEY ARE NOT PARTY FAVORS ... DO NOT... REPEAT DO NOT COLLECT THEM!!!!

fairlyuncertain

He says he used to go to AA, but stopped b/c he really got everything he needed from it, great people, great program, just not for him. As he drinks his 6th beer.

fairlyuncertain

I think that was actually a military-grade emergency flare, more than a red flag. But I still ignored it!!

CompletelyLost4

Ooh, my codie self radars on those too-good-to-be-true, good-looking, smooth, and charismatic addicts. My AH is gorgeous, never met a stranger - and he honestly thinks he has the whole world fooled. His first reaction, years ago, when I first suggested rehab was that he didn't want anyone to know he had a drinking problem. Sorry honey - the whole damn town knows it already!

Which leads to another red flag: No sense of reality.

peacedove

Oh yes...I heard

"You could destroy my public persona with the things you know"

Oh geesh...this statement because I told him "get help. please."

The paranoia, the denial, the lies, the manipulations, the secrets. Yuck. Even saying "get help, please" was manipulated in to I threatened him. No, he is hiding addictions and covering by saying/telling lies on top of more lies. It is true...we can not help them. Sometimes I wish I'd never even cared enough to say the words "get help, please."

lillamy

Nobody else understands them like you do.

He says An earlier girlfriend told her friends that if she's ever found dead they should come after him.

Agree with the "moves too quickly."

Wants to only spend time alone with you and not with your friends and family.

Your friends and family don't like him.

He doesn't like his family and has very few friends. Or only friends who drink.

He's way too interested in your sexual history.

He's moping like a three-year-old whenever you do something he doesn't like (like go out with your friends or read a book instead of watching bass fishing on TV with him).

I could go on forever.

SolTraveler

This one was it for me. I could never quite put my finger on it, but I never fully trust my ABF. No so much that he lies (yet, anyway) but that I can't depend on him to do what he says - I think that is it.

I am trying to quit monitoring to save my own sanity. My co-dependent tendencies and the fact that I can't take my anxiety meds right now make it very, very difficult.

For me though, I have known my ABF since we were kids. No rapid falling in love here, although I was guilty of that with my ex-husband.

SolTraveler

Oh, man... This is my ABF to a t!!!!! I would laugh if it weren't so sad...