NewToAlcoholism

Hi all,

I'm new here. In fact, this is my first time to ever post to any forum. Here's my story:

I met my husband in a bar. We were young then and liked to go out and have a good time, which always involved alcohol. Then we got married, and I went into baby-mode. I was ready to have children, so I stopped drinking as much and started eating healthier and working out. My husband cut back on his drinking too since I wasn’t joining in with him as much anymore. He would still go to happy hours and go out on the weekends occasionally, which was all fine with me, because that seemed like appropriate times to drink.

But then, his drinking suddenly started to become more inappropriate. I would meet him down at the local pub because we had dinner plans or plans to go to a show, and he would be a sloppy drunken mess at 4:00 in the afternoon because he had been drinking since noon. Or, I would be waiting for him to come home from work and he would show up a couple hours later, incoherent and wobbly. It was always such a disappointment to find him like that. All I wanted was a nice evening with my husband, but instead I would unexpectedly get a mess of a man to deal with. I would get so angry at his lack of self-control. Sometimes he would have an excuse, like his boss would fire him if he didn’t go out drinking with her (he works in the advertising industry, where “liquid lunches” are common). Many times, however, he would have no excuse at all.

Every time, I would yell and scream and not speak to him for a day or two out of sheer anger and disappointment. Then he would acknowledge that what he’s doing is hurting me and promise that it wouldn’t happen again. Usually after one of those occurrences, he would quit drinking for a week or two to prove that he could keep it under control. Then he would slowly start drinking again, and I wouldn’t say anything because he was not drinking too much. I never wanted to seem too controlling and tell him that he had to quit completely. I never really thought that he needed to quit completely. As long as he would just drink when it was “approproiate”, it would all be ok. This pattern has been continuing on for the past 2 ½ years (probably much more than that, but I was joining him in drinking too, so I most likely didn’t notice before). The emotional toll is becoming exceedingly difficult to deal with.

We now have a son that just turned one. My husband got laid off five months ago and has been staying home with our son since then. Three weeks ago, I came home from work and my husband was half drunk. He had been drinking while watching our son, which was the final straw for me, and apparently for him too. He admitted he had a problem and asked for help.

So we got him help. He joined AA the next day and was going to regular meetings. He was feeling better, eating healthier and we were happy. Two weeks into AA, he started having doubts that he really had a problem, because all of the stories he heard in AA were of people who had hit rock bottom with their drinking, and were the kind of people who woke up and had a drink and didn’t stop all day long, and continued that behavior every day.

He wasn’t like that and had a hard time identifying with those people. So two days ago, he fell off the wagon. Not only that, but he lied to me about it, which is uncharacteristic of him. When I got home from work he was acting like he does when he’s been drinking. I asked him if he had been, even though I thought that was a ridiculous question since he was finally seeking help for his problem (I honestly thought that he just hadn’t eaten for a while – he has blood sugar issues that cause him to act kind of drunk too). He said no, he hadn’t been drinking, and I mostly believed him. He then left to go to a meeting with a client (he’s doing freelance work now) and then to an AA meeting.

The meeting with the client was at a bar, but he’s had a few previous meetings in bars since joining AA and has been fine, so I wasn’t worried about that. Later that evening when he got home from his AA meeting, he smelled kind of boozy, and I asked him again if he had been drinking and he said no, and I mostly believed him again, and chalked up the smell to him having been in a bar earlier in the evening. So I had all night to lay there and think about it and decided to ask him again the next morning, just to be sure. He said no at first, but after I asked again he finally admitted to falling off the wagon.

So now here I am again, stuck in the same pattern, and it feels so much more disappointing than previous times, because this time he was actually getting help, not to mention yesterday was my birthday, so hey, way to ruin just one more thing with your drinking. I finally gave him the ultimatum yesterday of alcohol or family. I’ve lived with being disappointed by his drinking for the past few years, but I absolutely don’t want my son to have to go through that.

After the ultimatum, he said he came to the realization that he is the same as the people in AA. He decided to call all of his close friends and family yesterday and tell them that he is an alcoholic and is in AA. I’m not getting my hopes up that this will be any different than all the other times, but maybe it will help hold him more accountable for his actions, and it is one more step above what he did last time.

Sorry for the super-long story, but I needed to get it out there. I’m not looking for advice like “leave him now, it will never get better”. I am committed to this marriage and will do what it takes to make it work. I guess I just need support, and maybe some words of wisdom from those of you who have been able to get your loved ones help.

CarryOn

Welcome. I am new here too, but there will be many other people along to give you their feedback soon. Please continue to read and post.

I am also dealing with an AH. I started going to counseling six months ago, started Al-Anon this past month and recently found SR. One of the most important things that I have learned is I did not Cause this, I cannot Control this, and I cannot Cure this (The Three C's). My AH has to make the decision to quite and get help on his own.

I strongly recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting in your area. You will find others in similar situations and many tools to help you live your life in peace while allowing your AH to find his own way.

ZiggyB

Hi,
I guess I'm a little confused because you said you gave him an ultimatum but then you said you didn't want to leave and would do what it takes to make things work. What do you really intend to do if he starts drinking again? Do you have a plan?

A lot of alcoholics take several attempts to quit especially if they are in denial. I was never able to make my ex-boyfriend quit and he sounds a lot like your husband. I felt like I tried everything, begging, pleading, ignoring the problem, writing emails, trying to get him to go to meetings, therapy... We think if only they loved us enough they would just quit once and for all. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

Yes, he really is an alcoholic. Even if someone doesn't hit rock bottom to the point where they lose everything they can indeed be alcoholics. I wouldn't even plant the seed of doubt in your mind and certainly not in his.

You have made it known how you feel. Have you considered going to Al-anon to get some support for yourself? I'd also suggest the book "Codependent No More", it was a real eye-opener for me.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you certainly can't cure it...

I hope everything works out for you both.

NewToAlcoholism

Hi ZiggyB,

Thanks for pointing out my inconcistencies with ultimatum vs. making our marriage work. I guess deep down, I don't really want to leave. I want this all to get better. Maybe my ultimatum was an empty threat. I don't have a plan of where to go or what to do if it actually comes to fruition.

Hammer

Well NOW he can relate to the AA folks . . .

Lotta of them do that.

Yunno, as far as the depths of depravity required before he feels he fits in at AA . . . there may be some vanity involved. On my side (Alanon) I can relate to that. Every now and then . . . probably daily . . . I find myself thinking that I may somehow be better than all those sorry whiners at Alanon.

Does not seem to turn out that way. Go figure.

ichabod

I think that almost universally alcoholics come away from their first attempts at AA saying, "I'm not an A because I am nowhere near as bad as those people."

They are, it just takes tremendous introspection and honesty to see it. Your husband isn't there yet.

All of your love and support won't help him get sober. Your decision is how much you are willing to deal with and if the level of pain he causes now will be ok if it never gets better, forever.

Pamel

NewToAlcoholism, speaking as an addict here, I can say that we, too, want "this to get better". Unlike you, however, we addicts are likely to seek "better" in our DOC. This is truly the easier softer way but avails nothing. I will treasure your post as an insight into the eternal optimism of others that we WILL find our way. I don't have much to say in that department as I am just finding my way again. What hell I have put my family and friends through...

AnvilheadII

i think as far as "support" you've done that...helped point him towards AA. and while ultimatums rarely are effective, at the VERY least you've let it be known that his drinking is becoming more and more of a problem FOR YOU.

you'd be wise to play out the different scenarios in your head a bit...i mean WHAT IF he can't stop, can't stay stopped? you said the past 2.5 years have been pretty awful, how many more years of awful can you take?

you now have a little 1 year old in the mix - what about his future? what is in HIS best interests?? he's going to need at least one sane healthy parent and for the moment you appear to be the best suited!!!

alanon is a fantastic suggestion. i interpreted that you have been drinking WITH him? that's not only counterproductive but also hypocritical - i'm not saying you can never drink again, but drinking with the one person who HAS a known drinking problem is like sharing your Twinkies with a diabetic and then going to Dairy Queen.

a lot to think about, a lot to absorb - unless you feel yourself in imminent danger, digest what you can and know you don't HAVE to have it all figured out by 9pm tonite! best wishes to you all.

atalose

Alcoholism is a famly disease - look into al-anon meetings for yourself.

unsureoffuture

I understand what you are going through . I am in a similar situation. My DH has drank all of our marriage. We drank socially in the beginning and then settled down and had kids. I stopped and he continued. He has a few before bed every night. We have been married 11 years and for many of them I just never recognized he was an alcoholic or had a problem. I guess I was just blind to it. He didn't get sloppy drunk, mean, verbally abusive anything he just drank every single day. Slowly though his drinking has become intertwined into our everyday lives. I have lived disappointed for many years.My needs haven,t been met in a long long time. He is emotionally and often physically unavailable when he drinks. I have to be both mom and dad to our kids. I'm the one fixing things around the house. We have zero sex life. He wont drive anywhere I am forced to drive everywhere. He doesn't eat with us as a family he waits until later (buzz kill). We do not go to any restaurant that doesn't serve alcohol. He drinks at the kids sporting events and now I just found out has been stopping at 7-11 and pouring a tall beer into a big gulp cup when he picks them up from school (the only time he really drives). We have two young children and he is now just starting to interact with them more and do things with them. In 2011 a light bulb went on and I realized he was an alcoholic. I researched it and we had a heart to heart. I told him he needed help and needed to go to AA. He said "he would do better" and he did "cut down" for a bit but its like a roller coaster. Some times he's really good and then bam he's worse again. He has never fully admitted he has a problem and hasn't sought out AA. I think he still believes he can control it . I haven't made the decision yet to leave but I am slowly moving in that direction. No one can tell us if they will get better or not, its up to them. I am now just setting boundaries and taking care of myself and my kids.

NewToAlcoholism

Hi AnvilheadII,

Thanks for your reply. It gave me some things to think about. I do just want to clear the air -- I used to drink with him when we first met. I don't drink anymore since being pregnant and breastfeeding and taking care of our son. My DH is all on his own with the drinking now.

I do plan to look into al-anon.

Recovering2

You are so new to realizing your husband is an A, you would truly benefit from AlAnon. There is alot of experience, strength, and hope in those meetings. You don't have to share, but just by listening you will come away with tools to deal with your marriage. This is a progressive disease, so if he doesn't get into recovery it will get worse. You have to prepare for that, especially since you have a child. Educate yourself now, so you can learn to detach and take care of you.
BTW - FWIW I think it's a horrible idea to have "business" meetings in a bar when you're a struggling A. Horrible.