Newcomer and very confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 4
Newcomer and very confused
Hello. I have no idea where to start. I came here because I'm looking for information, support, and advice. I cant be truly honest with anyone around me because I don't wanting them knowing my business. I've been reading through some threads and I don't think my situation is as bad as most people on here but none the less it still has an effect on me and I don't know what to do or how to feel.
I'm in a relationship with what I thought was a recovering addict. We have been together for about 6 months and we already live together. In the beginning he told me that he had been addicted to pain killers but had just finished his last treatment of methadone(sp) and was going to go through withdrawal. And he did. We had only been together a couple of weeks and I tried to be there for him the best I could. He slept a lot and at other times he couldn't sleep at all. He sweated and couldn't eat. It only lasted a couple weeks and then one day he just seemed to be better. The other details I cant really remember but I have never known anything about withdrawal and didn't know what to do. About a week after he was better I went through his phone because I didn't trust that he was clean. I found a text about him trying to get Percocet. He said he had told me (which I didn't recall). He also said it was a very small dose and that he was only getting it to keep his withdrawal at bay while we were out. (We were going out for my birthday). After a long discussion I let it go and he supposedly never even got it.
After that he told me he is prescribed Ritalin and takes it for energy. I later discovered he also sniffs it and takes it more then once in a while. He now has his doc prescribe him Adderall instead. He gets 10 mg pills 90 a month. He goes through these in less then 2 weeks. He says he sells a lot of them but I don't believe him. He admitted to taking 65 of them and sniffing only a couple. But I cant believe him anymore.
Back to the pain killers..... There have been a few incidents where I have caught him getting things. About a month after the Percocet incident I found a text about Suboxine (sp). I heard him say he didn't like them in the past because of the withdrawal and that's why he had used methadone instead of them to get off the pain killers. When we talked about the Subs he said he was taking it because he was having cravings. I told him I didn't want him to keep things from me and that omitting things and hiding things are the same as lying. I then caught him getting 2 80mg oxytocin. He tried to lie but eventually broke and admitted it and apologized and flushed them down the toilet. It was new years eve and he wanted to get high. He then agreed to be honest about everything even if it would upset me. I kind of regret that now. He now takes subs without a prescription to stay away from pills. At first a 8mg strip would last a week now he goes through 2-3 a week. But seems to be trying to cut back down.
I haven't discovered anything else but I don't trust him when it comes to drugs. For some reason last month I was prescribed flexural for back issues. I took 5 of the 30 he took the rest within like a week. I don't understand this and he said it was to try to get off the subs and help him sleep. But he's still on the subs. I was prescribed another script this month and he hasn't touched them thankfully.
Last night I came to the conclusion that we were both in denial. I have tried to ignore everything and just let it go. Honestly the thing that bothers me right now is the Adderall usage. Once he runs out hell buy it from his friends to get by till his next script is ready. Also I cant trust him to be honest about everything. I've tried. And when I try to discuss my feelings about everything he gets defensive and acts like I should be proud of him and have complete trust in him. I'm always afraid that he's going to go back to the pain killers or already is behind my back. He only contacts his friends when he needs subs or Adderall and that makes me suspicious because he can be getting anything from them along with the Ritalin or addys. He's afraid I'm going to leave him and before last night I had plans on being with him for the rest of my life. I know he's getting ready to propose. I'm worried he's going to give himself a heart attack or ruin his body with the addys and ritz. He already has performance issues which I think steams from the drugs and if its doing that to him what else is it doing?
I don't want to lose him. In reality the drugs don't have effect on our life if I just turn my head. He doesn't ever act differently. He works an enormous amount of time to give us a good life and beyond my emotions it hasn't impacted our daily living. He's everything I want in a man beyond the drugs. He lets me be a stay at home mom. He encourages me to go back to college which I just enrolled to start again in the fall. We get along great as long as I don't start thinking about the drugs. I don't know if its the fact that I cant control it and that's why Im so obsessed with it or if I'm really worried. It could be both. Sometimes I wonder if I'm over thinking everything. For one he works third shift and goes on 4-5 hours of sleep. Sometimes he works shifts of 16 and will only get 2-3 hours of sleep in between shifts. this is why he says he uses the Adderall and ritz. He also takes Xanax which he honestly does need. He doesn't abuse it from what I can see. But sometimes he has to take it to counteract the addys. They give him anxiety.... therefore he takes Xanax to calm him down which most of the time balances it out but sometimes if he has to take to much it'll make him tired and he has to start the process all over again. I'm scared, lost, confused, and I feel sad and alone because I have none to talk to. I also worry he is getting high on the subs or using them as a cover so that I wont know he's on pain killers. Like I said he never acts differently so I don't even know what to look for.
A little background on myself. I try to be positive but I have been fighting depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. Also My father was a very violent alcoholic and he lived in the home with me till I was 12. He then moved out, hit bottom and became sober and has been ever since. I haven't really ever dealt with the childhood I had so I don't know if that's why my boyfriends addictions are making me more anxious. He is prescribed the Adderall and Xanax. The doc even upped his Rx of the Adderall to help him with over time at work. So is this safe or his doc enabling him and hindering him from seeing that he has an addiction? Again I have no idea what to think. I don't like the sub use either but if it really is helping him stay off pills then I have to just wait till he's ready to come off of them. I know he's been on them long enough that he's going to go through withdrawal when he does. He's scared of the withdrawal. I've asked him to stop both and he says hell do it when he has vacation next month because he's not going to be able to work while going through it. I was doing research last night and I've now discovered that if he tries to quit the addys cold turkey that it could be dangerous so now I'm scared for him to quit those. So lost...
I'm in a relationship with what I thought was a recovering addict. We have been together for about 6 months and we already live together. In the beginning he told me that he had been addicted to pain killers but had just finished his last treatment of methadone(sp) and was going to go through withdrawal. And he did. We had only been together a couple of weeks and I tried to be there for him the best I could. He slept a lot and at other times he couldn't sleep at all. He sweated and couldn't eat. It only lasted a couple weeks and then one day he just seemed to be better. The other details I cant really remember but I have never known anything about withdrawal and didn't know what to do. About a week after he was better I went through his phone because I didn't trust that he was clean. I found a text about him trying to get Percocet. He said he had told me (which I didn't recall). He also said it was a very small dose and that he was only getting it to keep his withdrawal at bay while we were out. (We were going out for my birthday). After a long discussion I let it go and he supposedly never even got it.
After that he told me he is prescribed Ritalin and takes it for energy. I later discovered he also sniffs it and takes it more then once in a while. He now has his doc prescribe him Adderall instead. He gets 10 mg pills 90 a month. He goes through these in less then 2 weeks. He says he sells a lot of them but I don't believe him. He admitted to taking 65 of them and sniffing only a couple. But I cant believe him anymore.
Back to the pain killers..... There have been a few incidents where I have caught him getting things. About a month after the Percocet incident I found a text about Suboxine (sp). I heard him say he didn't like them in the past because of the withdrawal and that's why he had used methadone instead of them to get off the pain killers. When we talked about the Subs he said he was taking it because he was having cravings. I told him I didn't want him to keep things from me and that omitting things and hiding things are the same as lying. I then caught him getting 2 80mg oxytocin. He tried to lie but eventually broke and admitted it and apologized and flushed them down the toilet. It was new years eve and he wanted to get high. He then agreed to be honest about everything even if it would upset me. I kind of regret that now. He now takes subs without a prescription to stay away from pills. At first a 8mg strip would last a week now he goes through 2-3 a week. But seems to be trying to cut back down.
I haven't discovered anything else but I don't trust him when it comes to drugs. For some reason last month I was prescribed flexural for back issues. I took 5 of the 30 he took the rest within like a week. I don't understand this and he said it was to try to get off the subs and help him sleep. But he's still on the subs. I was prescribed another script this month and he hasn't touched them thankfully.
Last night I came to the conclusion that we were both in denial. I have tried to ignore everything and just let it go. Honestly the thing that bothers me right now is the Adderall usage. Once he runs out hell buy it from his friends to get by till his next script is ready. Also I cant trust him to be honest about everything. I've tried. And when I try to discuss my feelings about everything he gets defensive and acts like I should be proud of him and have complete trust in him. I'm always afraid that he's going to go back to the pain killers or already is behind my back. He only contacts his friends when he needs subs or Adderall and that makes me suspicious because he can be getting anything from them along with the Ritalin or addys. He's afraid I'm going to leave him and before last night I had plans on being with him for the rest of my life. I know he's getting ready to propose. I'm worried he's going to give himself a heart attack or ruin his body with the addys and ritz. He already has performance issues which I think steams from the drugs and if its doing that to him what else is it doing?
I don't want to lose him. In reality the drugs don't have effect on our life if I just turn my head. He doesn't ever act differently. He works an enormous amount of time to give us a good life and beyond my emotions it hasn't impacted our daily living. He's everything I want in a man beyond the drugs. He lets me be a stay at home mom. He encourages me to go back to college which I just enrolled to start again in the fall. We get along great as long as I don't start thinking about the drugs. I don't know if its the fact that I cant control it and that's why Im so obsessed with it or if I'm really worried. It could be both. Sometimes I wonder if I'm over thinking everything. For one he works third shift and goes on 4-5 hours of sleep. Sometimes he works shifts of 16 and will only get 2-3 hours of sleep in between shifts. this is why he says he uses the Adderall and ritz. He also takes Xanax which he honestly does need. He doesn't abuse it from what I can see. But sometimes he has to take it to counteract the addys. They give him anxiety.... therefore he takes Xanax to calm him down which most of the time balances it out but sometimes if he has to take to much it'll make him tired and he has to start the process all over again. I'm scared, lost, confused, and I feel sad and alone because I have none to talk to. I also worry he is getting high on the subs or using them as a cover so that I wont know he's on pain killers. Like I said he never acts differently so I don't even know what to look for.
A little background on myself. I try to be positive but I have been fighting depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. Also My father was a very violent alcoholic and he lived in the home with me till I was 12. He then moved out, hit bottom and became sober and has been ever since. I haven't really ever dealt with the childhood I had so I don't know if that's why my boyfriends addictions are making me more anxious. He is prescribed the Adderall and Xanax. The doc even upped his Rx of the Adderall to help him with over time at work. So is this safe or his doc enabling him and hindering him from seeing that he has an addiction? Again I have no idea what to think. I don't like the sub use either but if it really is helping him stay off pills then I have to just wait till he's ready to come off of them. I know he's been on them long enough that he's going to go through withdrawal when he does. He's scared of the withdrawal. I've asked him to stop both and he says hell do it when he has vacation next month because he's not going to be able to work while going through it. I was doing research last night and I've now discovered that if he tries to quit the addys cold turkey that it could be dangerous so now I'm scared for him to quit those. So lost...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so let me get this straight, he is currently or has recently been taking:
your flexeril
suboxone
adderal
ritalin
xanax
2 weeks into meeting him, he was going thru methadone detox. and he has been taking some type of drug EVER SINCE. from what you share, not one single day without the use or aid of some type of drug. never used as prescribed. percocets, oxys, bought off the street, etc. SAYS he takes the subs to help not take other drugs, BUT TAKES OTHER DRUGS ANYWAYS. he was a walking pharmaceutical store. of course you can't tell the difference when he's on them, BECAUSE HE'S ALWAYS ON SOMETHING.
it's only been six months. look at all that has happened so far. he was a drug addict before you met and he is still at it. you have not changed that for him. and you are talking about marrying him????? you've only known him for half a year! and so far all you've really learned is the lengthy list of drugs he's taken or taking...
it is that bad. and it WILL get worse. at the very least you should strongly consider one of you moving out. you don't yet get the fully gravity of the situation of life with an active addict, and he can take full advantage of that.
AND YOU HAVE CHILDREN. how is ANY of the above ANY good for a child's life? what if the child gets his hands on the pills, or the strips, or whatever the heck else he might be using?
your flexeril
suboxone
adderal
ritalin
xanax
2 weeks into meeting him, he was going thru methadone detox. and he has been taking some type of drug EVER SINCE. from what you share, not one single day without the use or aid of some type of drug. never used as prescribed. percocets, oxys, bought off the street, etc. SAYS he takes the subs to help not take other drugs, BUT TAKES OTHER DRUGS ANYWAYS. he was a walking pharmaceutical store. of course you can't tell the difference when he's on them, BECAUSE HE'S ALWAYS ON SOMETHING.
it's only been six months. look at all that has happened so far. he was a drug addict before you met and he is still at it. you have not changed that for him. and you are talking about marrying him????? you've only known him for half a year! and so far all you've really learned is the lengthy list of drugs he's taken or taking...
it is that bad. and it WILL get worse. at the very least you should strongly consider one of you moving out. you don't yet get the fully gravity of the situation of life with an active addict, and he can take full advantage of that.
AND YOU HAVE CHILDREN. how is ANY of the above ANY good for a child's life? what if the child gets his hands on the pills, or the strips, or whatever the heck else he might be using?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Welcome Sunshine. I am new to SR too, but there are many people here that will give you good feedback so please keep reading/posting. Regardless of the perceived severity of your situation, this is affecting your life, and the live(s) of your child(ren). I see numerous red flags in your posting
I would encourage you to look for assistance through nar-anon and/or al-anon meetings in your area. It seems you have been affected by both an addicted partner and a recovering alcoholic parent.
My AH was sober when we met and remained that way for the first ten years we were together. He relapsed eighteen months ago, and I now know that had he been using when we were dating I would never have married him. Please take care of yourself and your child(ren) - this IS affecting you, more than you realize.
I would encourage you to look for assistance through nar-anon and/or al-anon meetings in your area. It seems you have been affected by both an addicted partner and a recovering alcoholic parent.
My AH was sober when we met and remained that way for the first ten years we were together. He relapsed eighteen months ago, and I now know that had he been using when we were dating I would never have married him. Please take care of yourself and your child(ren) - this IS affecting you, more than you realize.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for what brings you here.
You have lost him already, to the drugs.
You're the daughter of a violent alcoholic who has picked a drug addict to spend her life with. Do you see the correlation? You've not made a healthy choice here. Sorry.
Originally Posted by Sunshine77 
I don't want to lose him...
You're the daughter of a violent alcoholic who has picked a drug addict to spend her life with. Do you see the correlation? You've not made a healthy choice here. Sorry.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Hi Sunshine..
My brother is addicted to adderall, xanax, pot, and nitrous. And the adderall and xanax are prescribed by doctors. He goes to a few different doctors and gets triple of everything. His life has been destroyed by his drug addiction. He lives with my mother, is unemployed despite a graduate degree, and recently lost his wife because he wouldn't stop the drug use. Unfortunately, just because something comes from a doctor doesn't mean anything. It can still (and does) ruin lives.
I'm sorry but I agree with Anvilhead. Your boyfriend is not sober in any sense of the word. I don't think the fact your dad was an alcoholic is making you overreact to your bf's drug use. I think the opposite is true: your dad being an alcoholic has predisposed you to choose an addict partner.
I know it is hard to face the truth. My mom still hasn't faced it about my brother and it took the rest of us in the family a long time. You figure if it's prescribed and legal, it has to be okay. But I can tell you it isn't okay and that it gets much worse over time. For a long time my brother was like your bf in that it never seemed like the drug use affected his life too much. Then he turned a corner and went into rapid decline. Now he is skinny, pale, sweaty, and shakey. Basically, he looks like a veritable junkie. If my mom didn't enable him and allow him to live in her basement, I have no doubt he would be homeless.
I've also heard, BTW, that adderall abuse can segue into meth abuse since they are related drugs--something else to be concerned about, IMO.
Please take care of yourself and take your situation seriously. We don't want to get down on you, we just care.
Many hugs to you.
My brother is addicted to adderall, xanax, pot, and nitrous. And the adderall and xanax are prescribed by doctors. He goes to a few different doctors and gets triple of everything. His life has been destroyed by his drug addiction. He lives with my mother, is unemployed despite a graduate degree, and recently lost his wife because he wouldn't stop the drug use. Unfortunately, just because something comes from a doctor doesn't mean anything. It can still (and does) ruin lives.
I'm sorry but I agree with Anvilhead. Your boyfriend is not sober in any sense of the word. I don't think the fact your dad was an alcoholic is making you overreact to your bf's drug use. I think the opposite is true: your dad being an alcoholic has predisposed you to choose an addict partner.
I know it is hard to face the truth. My mom still hasn't faced it about my brother and it took the rest of us in the family a long time. You figure if it's prescribed and legal, it has to be okay. But I can tell you it isn't okay and that it gets much worse over time. For a long time my brother was like your bf in that it never seemed like the drug use affected his life too much. Then he turned a corner and went into rapid decline. Now he is skinny, pale, sweaty, and shakey. Basically, he looks like a veritable junkie. If my mom didn't enable him and allow him to live in her basement, I have no doubt he would be homeless.
I've also heard, BTW, that adderall abuse can segue into meth abuse since they are related drugs--something else to be concerned about, IMO.
Please take care of yourself and take your situation seriously. We don't want to get down on you, we just care.
Many hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"I don't want to loose him" (sunshine77)
^^^^^^^^
I'm confused, exactly what would you be losing?
He is an active addict, he is not capable of being in a committed relationship, it's just not humanly possible at this time. To continue on your current path is only going to cause more pain for yourself.
My suggestion, educate yourself about addiction. You need to understand what this disease truly is. You CANNOT help him. There is NOTHING you can say or do to fix this. don't fool yourself, your love for him is not the answer either.
But with 1000% certainty, I can say, You are going to find yourself in a very dark isolated black hole if you do not take the necessary measures to protect YOU and your kids.
^^^^^^^^
I'm confused, exactly what would you be losing?
He is an active addict, he is not capable of being in a committed relationship, it's just not humanly possible at this time. To continue on your current path is only going to cause more pain for yourself.
My suggestion, educate yourself about addiction. You need to understand what this disease truly is. You CANNOT help him. There is NOTHING you can say or do to fix this. don't fool yourself, your love for him is not the answer either.
But with 1000% certainty, I can say, You are going to find yourself in a very dark isolated black hole if you do not take the necessary measures to protect YOU and your kids.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi, Sunshine. I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I'm glad you're looking for support. You say several times in your post that you don't trust him. Take away all of the info about drugs... You don't trust him right now. And this is a fairly young relationship.
Trust should be one of the cornerstones of any relationship.
Trust should be one of the cornerstones of any relationship.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Dear Sunshine 77, your situation IS as bad as most people on here. Your children are co-habitating with an active drug addict. He has an excuse for every drug he takes. He's even stealing your drugs! Flexeril is NOT prescribed to get off subs. He is grabbing at drugs because of their mind-altering effects...period.
You are in a bad situation, that will only get worse. And your children will ultimately pay the price. You grew up with an A father, do you want your kids growing up with an addict adult in their home? Is the chance to stay at home and go to school worth it if they pay the price? Maybe you can go through life with your head turned, but the kids can't.
You need to start putting yourself first. You say "beyond my emotions it hasn't impacted our daily living". Your emotions count! And, no doubt, this will get worse. You have no control over his addictions, but you do have control over your own life. Find an AlAnon or Narcotics family group (sorry don't know what they call it) and start attending. Educate yourself and start working on making healthy choices.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's the truth. I hear you making excuses for his behaviors, and not trusting your own thoughts about it. But it's serious stuff, and you need to confront it.
You are in a bad situation, that will only get worse. And your children will ultimately pay the price. You grew up with an A father, do you want your kids growing up with an addict adult in their home? Is the chance to stay at home and go to school worth it if they pay the price? Maybe you can go through life with your head turned, but the kids can't.
You need to start putting yourself first. You say "beyond my emotions it hasn't impacted our daily living". Your emotions count! And, no doubt, this will get worse. You have no control over his addictions, but you do have control over your own life. Find an AlAnon or Narcotics family group (sorry don't know what they call it) and start attending. Educate yourself and start working on making healthy choices.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's the truth. I hear you making excuses for his behaviors, and not trusting your own thoughts about it. But it's serious stuff, and you need to confront it.
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