zoid

hi, yall. I have 3 yrs in a.a. had almost a year, got cocky, then quit a.a. for 8 months while drinking progressed. went back into a.a. 6 months ago but am a multiple relapser. getting so many white chips is embarrassing and I feel like my sober time I was so much happier, and I just can't seem to get it back! it's like something is missing in me now. I know all the right things to do, and I've been around the program long enough to know what things will make me feel better....so why do I (and many of us) sabotage ourselves when we know that drink will only lead to more misery? why is it hard to get off my butt, go to a mtg, go work out, or call a sober friend, even though I know those things make me happy? why do I go to buy another bottle of nasty vodka even though I know it will make me sad, depressed, waste another day being hung over, skip the gym, get fat, hurt my health, etc etc etc? I know a lot of us had f-ed up childhoods so is it a matter of not thinking you deserve sobriety/happiness? same reason I don't like to share in mtgs - I feel I don't have anything of worth to say. for those of you with lasting sobriety, how do you get out of the pity party and realize you DO deserve to be happy and sober, when all you have been told your whole life is that you are sh_t? I want what you have, sober friends! I had it before, for a short time, and the difference I felt in myself was amazing. I want that again, so very badly, but am stuck in the quicksand of hopelessness. hugs.

Flip77

Hey Zoid, this is what I have to say and it really isn't much but I hope it helps in some way. As for getting off your butt and getting started in doing the things that make you feel good.....this is what I do to 'motivate' myself. I tell myself, 'well lets just get going at it for only like 5mins and if I really am not feeling it I can just stop", nothing ventured-nothing gained, in a way. Usually after just preparing myself for the event I become more willing to follow through and have some fun, 99% of the time I complete my desires. Idk, that's what works for me.

As for the messed up childhood you're right, most of us may have had one.....I know I did. Now for me, I was lucky enough to realize when I was very young that it wasn't my fault, I had nothing to do with it......as I would lament to myself to comprehend my parents I would always come to the same conclusion....."THEY're freakin' weird". Hahaa, you catch the they? It has nothing to do with the child, speaking of deserving......we deserved better as children so why not do that for ourselves now. Good luck com padre!

least

I had (and still have) the support of a wonderful addiction counselor. She's been a great help in getting and staying sober. Is counseling an option? Check it out if possible. Sounds like you have a lot going on inside your head. Therapy might be just the thing to help you lose that hopeless attitude.

zoid

thank you both for your replies....I really appreciate it

Flip77

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing that Least said, that you have a lot going on in your head. Just keep it simple and stay in control I would say.

hypochondriac

I can understand this. The hardest thing I have been trying to learn is that my experience matters. I found it really hard to share in AA meetings too. Funny though that you can't shut me up in SMART meetings. I think it is the cross talk that makes it easier for me. Maybe that might be worth trying too, learn some new tools. I think it is natural too to think that the same thing is going to happen over and over again so if you have lapsed a few times you are just waiting for it to happen again. Stop it You can do this and make it stick. I had so many doubts but decided to just hold out no matter what happened and not drink. Even if I felt really bad. I think that time helps a lot as well as all the techniques you can learn to help you stay sober. And I am a great believer that we can change the way we think. It is difficult and takes practice but it is possible. Start thinking positively x