Wow
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 60
Wow
I remember right before me and my XABF broke up and I had to go "rescue" him from a bar that he was at ( behind my back ) because he never called me to tell me he was *off work*....my friend just happened to be at the bar he was at and saw him with *new friends* zonked outta their minds and sent me a text letting me know he was here with weirdo friends....
When I picked him up he was OBVIOUSLY not only drunk but on pain pills im sure....( hes an ex heroin addict ) who admitted to relapsing in January...
I was screaming and crying in the car heartbroken that he betrayed me....Im asking WHY would you do this to me? Not let me know you are out with "co-workers?"...
His response was....." Well I didnt think u would allow me 2 go out..." WHICH IS BS....
He could of invited me? But NO he did not want me there for a reason....reason being: DRUGS he cannot do DRUGS when he is with me.
Then I add.....Well your suppose to be in "recovery" and your drinking! Ex heroin addicts CANT drink!! and his response was "Well drinking is the ONLY thing keeping me from doing *other* things...."
*shake my head*....and he even told me his therapist told him its ok for him to continue *drinking* because if he gives up all substances he will relapse faster back to opiates...
LIES.LIES.LIES
Can't believe i fell for that crock of SH*T!
Sorry im ranting....this is random but it came into my head today and I had to get out.....ok SR community.....thoughts please <3
When I picked him up he was OBVIOUSLY not only drunk but on pain pills im sure....( hes an ex heroin addict ) who admitted to relapsing in January...
I was screaming and crying in the car heartbroken that he betrayed me....Im asking WHY would you do this to me? Not let me know you are out with "co-workers?"...
His response was....." Well I didnt think u would allow me 2 go out..." WHICH IS BS....
He could of invited me? But NO he did not want me there for a reason....reason being: DRUGS he cannot do DRUGS when he is with me.
Then I add.....Well your suppose to be in "recovery" and your drinking! Ex heroin addicts CANT drink!! and his response was "Well drinking is the ONLY thing keeping me from doing *other* things...."
*shake my head*....and he even told me his therapist told him its ok for him to continue *drinking* because if he gives up all substances he will relapse faster back to opiates...
LIES.LIES.LIES
Can't believe i fell for that crock of SH*T!
Sorry im ranting....this is random but it came into my head today and I had to get out.....ok SR community.....thoughts please <3
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Im asking WHY would you do this to me?
Evey, I encourage you not to personalize what he did or didn't do, because his behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
You're going to flash back a lot to moments where, in hindsight, you were naive. Don't be too hard on yourself. The goal is always to learn from your experiences, not to beat yourself up because you didn't handle things better. There is no one on this board that hasn't f**ked up. Trust me. Just keep learning, keep working on you, and then you'll come to understand that, this too shall pass...
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
for future reference:
1) you did not HAVE to go RESCUE him that night. that was not your JOB.
2) he did not BETRAY you, he chose not to tell of his whereabouts and chose to go to a bar
3) he didn't do anything TO you.
4) he didn't need your permission, he had the right to do whatever the heck he felt like, REGARDLESS of how you felt about it.
yes his drug use was a big part of the problem in the relationship....but you also attempted to CONTROL him, CONTROL what he did, felt the need to SAVE him from himself and it got you exactly precisely NOWHERE. that's the lesson for you to learn. not so much that he was full of BS, which he was by the way, but you overpowering NEED to make him try and be somebody he had no desire to be.
1) you did not HAVE to go RESCUE him that night. that was not your JOB.
2) he did not BETRAY you, he chose not to tell of his whereabouts and chose to go to a bar
3) he didn't do anything TO you.
4) he didn't need your permission, he had the right to do whatever the heck he felt like, REGARDLESS of how you felt about it.
yes his drug use was a big part of the problem in the relationship....but you also attempted to CONTROL him, CONTROL what he did, felt the need to SAVE him from himself and it got you exactly precisely NOWHERE. that's the lesson for you to learn. not so much that he was full of BS, which he was by the way, but you overpowering NEED to make him try and be somebody he had no desire to be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by zoso77 
He didn't do it to you. He did it to himself.
Evey, I encourage you not to personalize what he did or didn't do, because his behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
You're going to flash back a lot to moments where, in hindsight, you were naive. Don't be too hard on yourself. The goal is always to learn from your experiences, not to beat yourself up because you didn't handle things better. There is no one on this board that hasn't f**ked up. Trust me. Just keep learning, keep working on you, and then you'll come to understand that, this too shall pass...
Best,
ZoSo
Evey, I encourage you not to personalize what he did or didn't do, because his behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
You're going to flash back a lot to moments where, in hindsight, you were naive. Don't be too hard on yourself. The goal is always to learn from your experiences, not to beat yourself up because you didn't handle things better. There is no one on this board that hasn't f**ked up. Trust me. Just keep learning, keep working on you, and then you'll come to understand that, this too shall pass...
Best,
ZoSo
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
Evey
I fell for things, too. Yesterday was a tough day with memories coming back to me of things which would happen and I would question, there would be an answer, it seemed ok but today i now know what was reality versus what i was told at the moment. I'll never know all of it. What I do know is bad enough. It hurts, it just plain hurts. So I understand what you are doing in your mind(to a point)and the way it makes you feel. Remember this...one day we will not feel or think the way we do right now if we keep working on it the way we need to. The ex's did us wrong, they've done their own selves wrong, they've done wrong to family and friends, children, work mates, clients...the list goes on and on. We focus on "us" because of what we feel in the here and now due to them. With them gone out of our lives we can get past this. We can heal. Most likely, the ex's will continue on with what they do in the way they do it to everyone. We weren't the first ones to feel the pain, I bet. And I bet we won't be the last ones either. It's what they do. Until they do not. If ever.
Not trying to take away from your feelings because I have them as well. It's a struggle each day right now. The best thing we can do is forget about them. Takes time, yes, but it can be done. Honestly, I can tell you right now, for sure--my ex is NOT thinking about me and he is fine and dandy. He is not suffering and feeling what I am so WHY would I want to give him so much more of me when he is not even in my life now???? I am free. All I have to do is heal. He is not free--not like me--he has an addiction--and whatever he is doing, wherever he is, whoever he is with--he is happy enough with himself he does not want to change and he does not feel or think he has done anything to me. Well, I'm here. I know better. It's all a work in progress for me BUT I am doing it.
I can't give him anymore(meaning hope/anger/resentment/energy toward him instead of me)than I already did. I gave it all. But he is an addict. And an addict is an addict. The lies are a part of the package. We have to accept that then get back to us! Prayers!
I fell for things, too. Yesterday was a tough day with memories coming back to me of things which would happen and I would question, there would be an answer, it seemed ok but today i now know what was reality versus what i was told at the moment. I'll never know all of it. What I do know is bad enough. It hurts, it just plain hurts. So I understand what you are doing in your mind(to a point)and the way it makes you feel. Remember this...one day we will not feel or think the way we do right now if we keep working on it the way we need to. The ex's did us wrong, they've done their own selves wrong, they've done wrong to family and friends, children, work mates, clients...the list goes on and on. We focus on "us" because of what we feel in the here and now due to them. With them gone out of our lives we can get past this. We can heal. Most likely, the ex's will continue on with what they do in the way they do it to everyone. We weren't the first ones to feel the pain, I bet. And I bet we won't be the last ones either. It's what they do. Until they do not. If ever.
Not trying to take away from your feelings because I have them as well. It's a struggle each day right now. The best thing we can do is forget about them. Takes time, yes, but it can be done. Honestly, I can tell you right now, for sure--my ex is NOT thinking about me and he is fine and dandy. He is not suffering and feeling what I am so WHY would I want to give him so much more of me when he is not even in my life now???? I am free. All I have to do is heal. He is not free--not like me--he has an addiction--and whatever he is doing, wherever he is, whoever he is with--he is happy enough with himself he does not want to change and he does not feel or think he has done anything to me. Well, I'm here. I know better. It's all a work in progress for me BUT I am doing it.
I can't give him anymore(meaning hope/anger/resentment/energy toward him instead of me)than I already did. I gave it all. But he is an addict. And an addict is an addict. The lies are a part of the package. We have to accept that then get back to us! Prayers!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
for future reference:
1) you did not HAVE to go RESCUE him that night. that was not your JOB.
2) he did not BETRAY you, he chose not to tell of his whereabouts and chose to go to a bar
3) he didn't do anything TO you.
4) he didn't need your permission, he had the right to do whatever the heck he felt like, REGARDLESS of how you felt about it.
yes his drug use was a big part of the problem in the relationship....but you also attempted to CONTROL him, CONTROL what he did, felt the need to SAVE him from himself and it got you exactly precisely NOWHERE. that's the lesson for you to learn. not so much that he was full of BS, which he was by the way, but you overpowering NEED to make him try and be somebody he had no desire to be.
1) you did not HAVE to go RESCUE him that night. that was not your JOB.
2) he did not BETRAY you, he chose not to tell of his whereabouts and chose to go to a bar
3) he didn't do anything TO you.
4) he didn't need your permission, he had the right to do whatever the heck he felt like, REGARDLESS of how you felt about it.
yes his drug use was a big part of the problem in the relationship....but you also attempted to CONTROL him, CONTROL what he did, felt the need to SAVE him from himself and it got you exactly precisely NOWHERE. that's the lesson for you to learn. not so much that he was full of BS, which he was by the way, but you overpowering NEED to make him try and be somebody he had no desire to be.
2. Even if it wasnt betrayel...it sure felt it was... He purposely told me he was gonna call me when he left work but he didnt...his excuse for that was *i forgot*....yeah right.......i felt disrespected....like i was a POS.....
3. your right....he didnt do anything to me physically...but that night i was hurt *emotionally* from his actions that yes...he did to HIMSELF....its just hard to not feel when your involved with a person
4. your right he DIDNT need my permission...but its the fact of calling likeyou said you weregoing too.....and when he didnt call i got worried and thats when my girlfriend sent me a text from the bar saying HES here....its just a level of respect i guess.....i wasnt expecting him 2 ask me if he could go out...but like im your GF.....i dont have a right to know? apparntly not....and thats why we broke up a month ago
*sigh* sorry for ranting......im still hurt
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Cant wait for the day ill be able to look back and laugh!
Why?
Well, she had eaten a Fentnyl patch and almost died, and Fukushima is where that Japanese nuclear power plant had a meltdown after the earthquake in 2011. And since my AXGF was always in meltdown, my buddy figured Patch Fukushima was a great nickname.
And it is friggin' hilarious.
ZoSo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by peacedove
Evey
I fell for things, too. Yesterday was a tough day with memories coming back to me of things which would happen and I would question, there would be an answer, it seemed ok but today i now know what was reality versus what i was told at the moment. I'll never know all of it. What I do know is bad enough. It hurts, it just plain hurts. So I understand what you are doing in your mind(to a point)and the way it makes you feel. Remember this...one day we will not feel or think the way we do right now if we keep working on it the way we need to. The ex's did us wrong, they've done their own selves wrong, they've done wrong to family and friends, children, work mates, clients...the list goes on and on. We focus on "us" because of what we feel in the here and now due to them. With them gone out of our lives we can get past this. We can heal. Most likely, the ex's will continue on with what they do in the way they do it to everyone. We weren't the first ones to feel the pain, I bet. And I bet we won't be the last ones either. It's what they do. Until they do not. If ever.
Not trying to take away from your feelings because I have them as well. It's a struggle each day right now. The best thing we can do is forget about them. Takes time, yes, but it can be done. Honestly, I can tell you right now, for sure--my ex is NOT thinking about me and he is fine and dandy. He is not suffering and feeling what I am so WHY would I want to give him so much more of me when he is not even in my life now???? I am free. All I have to do is heal. He is not free--not like me--he has an addiction--and whatever he is doing, wherever he is, whoever he is with--he is happy enough with himself he does not want to change and he does not feel or think he has done anything to me. Well, I'm here. I know better. It's all a work in progress for me BUT I am doing it.
I can't give him anymore(meaning hope/anger/resentment/energy toward him instead of me)than I already did. I gave it all. But he is an addict. And an addict is an addict. The lies are a part of the package. We have to accept that then get back to us! Prayers!
I fell for things, too. Yesterday was a tough day with memories coming back to me of things which would happen and I would question, there would be an answer, it seemed ok but today i now know what was reality versus what i was told at the moment. I'll never know all of it. What I do know is bad enough. It hurts, it just plain hurts. So I understand what you are doing in your mind(to a point)and the way it makes you feel. Remember this...one day we will not feel or think the way we do right now if we keep working on it the way we need to. The ex's did us wrong, they've done their own selves wrong, they've done wrong to family and friends, children, work mates, clients...the list goes on and on. We focus on "us" because of what we feel in the here and now due to them. With them gone out of our lives we can get past this. We can heal. Most likely, the ex's will continue on with what they do in the way they do it to everyone. We weren't the first ones to feel the pain, I bet. And I bet we won't be the last ones either. It's what they do. Until they do not. If ever.
Not trying to take away from your feelings because I have them as well. It's a struggle each day right now. The best thing we can do is forget about them. Takes time, yes, but it can be done. Honestly, I can tell you right now, for sure--my ex is NOT thinking about me and he is fine and dandy. He is not suffering and feeling what I am so WHY would I want to give him so much more of me when he is not even in my life now???? I am free. All I have to do is heal. He is not free--not like me--he has an addiction--and whatever he is doing, wherever he is, whoever he is with--he is happy enough with himself he does not want to change and he does not feel or think he has done anything to me. Well, I'm here. I know better. It's all a work in progress for me BUT I am doing it.
I can't give him anymore(meaning hope/anger/resentment/energy toward him instead of me)than I already did. I gave it all. But he is an addict. And an addict is an addict. The lies are a part of the package. We have to accept that then get back to us! Prayers!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
Respect, following through with things, trust, honesty, maturity, emotional stability come with a healthy relationship. Not an unhealthy one. We aren't babysitters. We are adults. Friends texting to tell others someones location, activities, status, or even call or whatever way or word someone wants to put in there for "telling" on someone. Uh uh. Just immature. I get people do it. I get people wonder. I get we all aren't the same and want and need different things.
Healthy is my choice. None of this other creeps in if it starts with the right thing and the right person. Anything else is a recipe for disaster.
Healthy is my choice. None of this other creeps in if it starts with the right thing and the right person. Anything else is a recipe for disaster.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by peacedove
Respect, following through with things, trust, honesty, maturity, emotional stability come with a healthy relationship. Not an unhealthy one. We aren't babysitters. We are adults. Friends texting to tell others someones location, activities, status, or even call or whatever way or word someone wants to put in there for "telling" on someone. Uh uh. Just immature. I get people do it. I get people wonder. I get we all aren't the same and want and need different things.
Healthy is my choice. None of this other creeps in if it starts with the right thing and the right person. Anything else is a recipe for disaster.
Healthy is my choice. None of this other creeps in if it starts with the right thing and the right person. Anything else is a recipe for disaster.
I dont think my friend meant to be immature about the text, she was just wondering where i was at since she saw he wasnt with me. Either way, im thankful it happened, because everything *happens* for a reason.
I should of broken up with him months prior to this incident....we were suppose to be moving into a townhouse 2months ago....well when we went to sign the lease with the landlord, he gave the landlord a check from a "closed bank account".....now mind you within that few day gap it took the landlord to deposit the check and have it bounce back, i went to walmart/target withh him and shelled out well over 600$ on stuff for a new apartment for us.....when the landlord called back to tell me what had happened i was humiliated...made a fool.....
but all things happen for a reason right?....if its not meant to be its just not! and in my case that was proven correct. he claims the reasoning for that was he *wasnt ready* to move in yet, we were moving too fast, and he didnt wanna hurt my feelings....YET he knew what he was writing (bad check).....ugh
im rambling again sorry
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
yes, things happen for a reason. then i have to add "up to a point." meaning we have to use good judgment, too, and can not lump some things that happen in to a category. however, things can happen for a reason to teach us something and for other reasons as well.
i may have been viewed as a babysitter as well during my time. i don't know. but i loved those children with all my heart and i was there for the right reasons. so if i was a "babysitter" then i was a really good one and glad i had the opportunity to love and be loved by his children.
probably more than the two of us here have heard the things moving too fast scenario out of the blue. i mean, didn't we pretty much hear everything under the sun? really?! i equate it with them wanting to use and we were in the way. more lies or whatever but bottom line is drugs first with them. impeding them in any way just isn't going to work. in my case, i didn't realize i was because i did not know he was an addict but our plans to be married, working on the house together, etc...stressed him because he knew he was an addict. once that was out well then...it was downhill from there with anything he said. just lies is all i can say. to make himself feel in the right and to make himself happy. selfish. all about him.
ok, so he now has HIM all to himself. i am not, unknowingly, in the way anymore. time for me to get back to me now.
there was one incident involving his business checking account i should have zoned in on more than i did. he hated paperwork, etc., detailing entries and such so bookkeeping was not his thing. there was a check bouncing incident but it did not involve me--it was me watching a bookkeeper come in and try to make heads or tails of things after the fact for him to get back on track. anyway, it was another RED FLAG. hindsight is 20/20. he was completely overspending, couldn't keep up with it because he could not focus himself and plain didn't care to. my guess? he never will. the whole financial aspect of addiction was already happening under my nose but i took his explanation of "forgetting" entries. i can't live with someone like this. the instability is too great. i deserve better. so knowing what i know now it's not nearly as bad as where i could have ended up. married, having sold my own home and moved to his, joined up all finances without knowing what i do now--only to realize later everything was gone and he was an addict.
no matter what i feel like today or tomorrow or the next and so on--i am better where i am right now than where this could have taken me.
look, when a person really loves someone in a healthy manner and gets healthy back in return then it will work differently. it may not be peaches and cream all the time but it won't be this.
i'm glad i did what i did for he and his children. i was me. i am who i am. i did the very best i could and love is precious to give to anyone. it didn't go like i expected but i wouldn't want to be anyone other than who i am. just my take on it at this point.
i may have been viewed as a babysitter as well during my time. i don't know. but i loved those children with all my heart and i was there for the right reasons. so if i was a "babysitter" then i was a really good one and glad i had the opportunity to love and be loved by his children.
probably more than the two of us here have heard the things moving too fast scenario out of the blue. i mean, didn't we pretty much hear everything under the sun? really?! i equate it with them wanting to use and we were in the way. more lies or whatever but bottom line is drugs first with them. impeding them in any way just isn't going to work. in my case, i didn't realize i was because i did not know he was an addict but our plans to be married, working on the house together, etc...stressed him because he knew he was an addict. once that was out well then...it was downhill from there with anything he said. just lies is all i can say. to make himself feel in the right and to make himself happy. selfish. all about him.
ok, so he now has HIM all to himself. i am not, unknowingly, in the way anymore. time for me to get back to me now.
there was one incident involving his business checking account i should have zoned in on more than i did. he hated paperwork, etc., detailing entries and such so bookkeeping was not his thing. there was a check bouncing incident but it did not involve me--it was me watching a bookkeeper come in and try to make heads or tails of things after the fact for him to get back on track. anyway, it was another RED FLAG. hindsight is 20/20. he was completely overspending, couldn't keep up with it because he could not focus himself and plain didn't care to. my guess? he never will. the whole financial aspect of addiction was already happening under my nose but i took his explanation of "forgetting" entries. i can't live with someone like this. the instability is too great. i deserve better. so knowing what i know now it's not nearly as bad as where i could have ended up. married, having sold my own home and moved to his, joined up all finances without knowing what i do now--only to realize later everything was gone and he was an addict.
no matter what i feel like today or tomorrow or the next and so on--i am better where i am right now than where this could have taken me.
look, when a person really loves someone in a healthy manner and gets healthy back in return then it will work differently. it may not be peaches and cream all the time but it won't be this.
i'm glad i did what i did for he and his children. i was me. i am who i am. i did the very best i could and love is precious to give to anyone. it didn't go like i expected but i wouldn't want to be anyone other than who i am. just my take on it at this point.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by peacedove
yes, things happen for a reason. then i have to add "up to a point." meaning we have to use good judgment, too, and can not lump some things that happen in to a category. however, things can happen for a reason to teach us something and for other reasons as well.
i may have been viewed as a babysitter as well during my time. i don't know. but i loved those children with all my heart and i was there for the right reasons. so if i was a "babysitter" then i was a really good one and glad i had the opportunity to love and be loved by his children.
probably more than the two of us here have heard the things moving too fast scenario out of the blue. i mean, didn't we pretty much hear everything under the sun? really?! i equate it with them wanting to use and we were in the way. more lies or whatever but bottom line is drugs first with them. impeding them in any way just isn't going to work. in my case, i didn't realize i was because i did not know he was an addict but our plans to be married, working on the house together, etc...stressed him because he knew he was an addict. once that was out well then...it was downhill from there with anything he said. just lies is all i can say. to make himself feel in the right and to make himself happy. selfish. all about him.
ok, so he now has HIM all to himself. i am not, unknowingly, in the way anymore. time for me to get back to me now.
there was one incident involving his business checking account i should have zoned in on more than i did. he hated paperwork, etc., detailing entries and such so bookkeeping was not his thing. there was a check bouncing incident but it did not involve me--it was me watching a bookkeeper come in and try to make heads or tails of things after the fact for him to get back on track. anyway, it was another RED FLAG. hindsight is 20/20. he was completely overspending, couldn't keep up with it because he could not focus himself and plain didn't care to. my guess? he never will. the whole financial aspect of addiction was already happening under my nose but i took his explanation of "forgetting" entries. i can't live with someone like this. the instability is too great. i deserve better. so knowing what i know now it's not nearly as bad as where i could have ended up. married, having sold my own home and moved to his, joined up all finances without knowing what i do now--only to realize later everything was gone and he was an addict.
no matter what i feel like today or tomorrow or the next and so on--i am better where i am right now than where this could have taken me.
look, when a person really loves someone in a healthy manner and gets healthy back in return then it will work differently. it may not be peaches and cream all the time but it won't be this.
i'm glad i did what i did for he and his children. i was me. i am who i am. i did the very best i could and love is precious to give to anyone. it didn't go like i expected but i wouldn't want to be anyone other than who i am. just my take on it at this point.
i may have been viewed as a babysitter as well during my time. i don't know. but i loved those children with all my heart and i was there for the right reasons. so if i was a "babysitter" then i was a really good one and glad i had the opportunity to love and be loved by his children.
probably more than the two of us here have heard the things moving too fast scenario out of the blue. i mean, didn't we pretty much hear everything under the sun? really?! i equate it with them wanting to use and we were in the way. more lies or whatever but bottom line is drugs first with them. impeding them in any way just isn't going to work. in my case, i didn't realize i was because i did not know he was an addict but our plans to be married, working on the house together, etc...stressed him because he knew he was an addict. once that was out well then...it was downhill from there with anything he said. just lies is all i can say. to make himself feel in the right and to make himself happy. selfish. all about him.
ok, so he now has HIM all to himself. i am not, unknowingly, in the way anymore. time for me to get back to me now.
there was one incident involving his business checking account i should have zoned in on more than i did. he hated paperwork, etc., detailing entries and such so bookkeeping was not his thing. there was a check bouncing incident but it did not involve me--it was me watching a bookkeeper come in and try to make heads or tails of things after the fact for him to get back on track. anyway, it was another RED FLAG. hindsight is 20/20. he was completely overspending, couldn't keep up with it because he could not focus himself and plain didn't care to. my guess? he never will. the whole financial aspect of addiction was already happening under my nose but i took his explanation of "forgetting" entries. i can't live with someone like this. the instability is too great. i deserve better. so knowing what i know now it's not nearly as bad as where i could have ended up. married, having sold my own home and moved to his, joined up all finances without knowing what i do now--only to realize later everything was gone and he was an addict.
no matter what i feel like today or tomorrow or the next and so on--i am better where i am right now than where this could have taken me.
look, when a person really loves someone in a healthy manner and gets healthy back in return then it will work differently. it may not be peaches and cream all the time but it won't be this.
i'm glad i did what i did for he and his children. i was me. i am who i am. i did the very best i could and love is precious to give to anyone. it didn't go like i expected but i wouldn't want to be anyone other than who i am. just my take on it at this point.
it gets exhausting. so exhausting i forgot about myself. i ended up dropping two classes in the fall semester because of all this wacky drama with him.
im just lucky enough i never got pregnant with him or actually did move in, and a few months later he lost a job and couldnt pay rent.
im trying to view it as my HP gave me a "get out of jail free card"
but this time when i pass go instead of collecting "200" i collected a lesson learned!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
evey, he just wasn't ALL THAT...and you m'dear deserve sooooo much better! I hope you know that. he didn't meet even minimum requirements to be in the same ZIPCODE as you!!!
smh...
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by zoso77
One of my best friends started calling my AXGF "Patch Fukushima".
Why?
Well, she had eaten a Fentnyl patch and almost died, and Fukushima is where that Japanese nuclear power plant had a meltdown after the earthquake in 2011. And since my AXGF was always in meltdown, my buddy figured Patch Fukushima was a great nickname.
Why?
Well, she had eaten a Fentnyl patch and almost died, and Fukushima is where that Japanese nuclear power plant had a meltdown after the earthquake in 2011. And since my AXGF was always in meltdown, my buddy figured Patch Fukushima was a great nickname.
This is the first time that I've laughed while visiting SR.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
I've never been able to laugh about the things that happened when I dated an addict.
My overwhelming feeling is still shame that I didn't see the red flags sooner. Second feeling is disgust. I believe that once I forgive myself I will let go of those bad feelings toward him and myself and be left only with sorrow that anyone lives the way these people do.
As a family member, I just couldn't ever laugh about someone nearly overdosing. I almost lost my brother to addiction. I have another brother that is mentally ill, I believe. I couldn't ever make jokes about that. I do understand that people who were romantically involved with an addict have a great deal of pain to unravel and anger, too. I am obviously still recovering from that very short lived relationship. It's very different when you are on the family side or still consider yourself an actual friend of the addict.
So I don't see the jokes as funny or a sign of recovery, but as coming from a source of deep pain that is not yet healed. It's a step along the way.
My overwhelming feeling is still shame that I didn't see the red flags sooner. Second feeling is disgust. I believe that once I forgive myself I will let go of those bad feelings toward him and myself and be left only with sorrow that anyone lives the way these people do.
As a family member, I just couldn't ever laugh about someone nearly overdosing. I almost lost my brother to addiction. I have another brother that is mentally ill, I believe. I couldn't ever make jokes about that. I do understand that people who were romantically involved with an addict have a great deal of pain to unravel and anger, too. I am obviously still recovering from that very short lived relationship. It's very different when you are on the family side or still consider yourself an actual friend of the addict.
So I don't see the jokes as funny or a sign of recovery, but as coming from a source of deep pain that is not yet healed. It's a step along the way.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by Hanna
I've never been able to laugh about the things that happened when I dated an addict.
My overwhelming feeling is still shame that I didn't see the red flags sooner. Second feeling is disgust. I believe that once I forgive myself I will let go of those bad feelings toward him and myself and be left only with sorrow that anyone lives the way these people do.
As a family member, I just couldn't ever laugh about someone nearly overdosing. I almost lost my brother to addiction. I have another brother that is mentally ill, I believe. I couldn't ever make jokes about that. I do understand that people who were romantically involved with an addict have a great deal of pain to unravel and anger, too. I am obviously still recovering from that very short lived relationship. It's very different when you are on the family side or still consider yourself an actual friend of the addict.
So I don't see the jokes as funny or a sign of recovery, but as coming from a source of deep pain that is not yet healed. It's a step along the way.
My overwhelming feeling is still shame that I didn't see the red flags sooner. Second feeling is disgust. I believe that once I forgive myself I will let go of those bad feelings toward him and myself and be left only with sorrow that anyone lives the way these people do.
As a family member, I just couldn't ever laugh about someone nearly overdosing. I almost lost my brother to addiction. I have another brother that is mentally ill, I believe. I couldn't ever make jokes about that. I do understand that people who were romantically involved with an addict have a great deal of pain to unravel and anger, too. I am obviously still recovering from that very short lived relationship. It's very different when you are on the family side or still consider yourself an actual friend of the addict.
So I don't see the jokes as funny or a sign of recovery, but as coming from a source of deep pain that is not yet healed. It's a step along the way.
Zoso's comment is funny to me.
I'm the son of an addict and I was the partner of an addict for 4 years. I love my father and I believe that there was love between me and my former partner. Through my participation in Nar-Anon and in personal therapy, I've been working on understanding how my past has been ruling my present, and I thank God that I can now laugh a little at the absurdity of not only my father's or former partner's behaviors, but, at mine, as well.
I would be among the first to call for compassion and understanding when it comes to people who are addicted. I started a bit of a commotion here on SR a while back when I wrote about my own evolving understanding of the subject (compassion), and it's a continual process of growth for me. However, in my world, how I live, I need/use laughter to express things that I simply cannot by other means – essentially the tragic absurdity of it all.
I have to laugh when I think about my father falling on the ice and shattering his hip and shoulder because he had to go buy a lottery ticket (this was two months ago) – it seems that no matter what I or my brother does to protect him and keep him safe as he ages, my father's end will ultimately be related to his addiction(s). It's tragically funny to me -- it's absurd.
The last time my partner came in from the streets, his lips were burned to the point that they were blistered, the skin cracked and oozing pus. Later, when I was alone in the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and laughed. I laughed because I had no other way to express my horror, and because I understood that everyone around me was telling me the same thing (and that it was correct): I cannot be responsible for the actions of another person, and if I try to "save him" one more time, I will only be prolonging the suffering of both of us. It made me laugh.
This is how I process things. It does not mean that I do not love these people, nor that I don't have compassion for their illness(es).
I respect your experiences, but they cannot be measured against mine, nor can mine be measured against any others'. We are here to share experience, not pontificate.
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Originally Posted by Hanna
I've never been able to laugh about the things that happened when I dated an addict.
My overwhelming feeling is still shame that I didn't see the red flags sooner. Second feeling is disgust. I believe that once I forgive myself I will let go of those bad feelings toward him and myself and be left only with sorrow that anyone lives the way these people do.
As a family member, I just couldn't ever laugh about someone nearly overdosing. I almost lost my brother to addiction. I have another brother that is mentally ill, I believe. I couldn't ever make jokes about that. I do understand that people who were romantically involved with an addict have a great deal of pain to unravel and anger, too. I am obviously still recovering from that very short lived relationship. It's very different when you are on the family side or still consider yourself an actual friend of the addict.
So I don't see the jokes as funny or a sign of recovery, but as coming from a source of deep pain that is not yet healed. It's a step along the way.
My overwhelming feeling is still shame that I didn't see the red flags sooner. Second feeling is disgust. I believe that once I forgive myself I will let go of those bad feelings toward him and myself and be left only with sorrow that anyone lives the way these people do.
As a family member, I just couldn't ever laugh about someone nearly overdosing. I almost lost my brother to addiction. I have another brother that is mentally ill, I believe. I couldn't ever make jokes about that. I do understand that people who were romantically involved with an addict have a great deal of pain to unravel and anger, too. I am obviously still recovering from that very short lived relationship. It's very different when you are on the family side or still consider yourself an actual friend of the addict.
So I don't see the jokes as funny or a sign of recovery, but as coming from a source of deep pain that is not yet healed. It's a step along the way.
Almost losing a brother is, in my eyes, different than almost losing a girlfriend. You can choose who you date; you can't choose your family.
In my case, I've been clear of my AXGF for nearly 16 months. And I'm the type of person that has a vivid recollection of everything. Almost too vivid. When I examine the aggregate sum of her behavior, the only conclusion that is plausible is she's, concurrently, ridiculous and dangerous. Every negative stereotype of an addict and of a Borderline Personality she validates and reinforces and will continue to so for the rest of her life.
I'll be forthright on something, Hanna. When I think back to being intimate with her, I want to vomit because I now know what she was doing behind my back. I want to take a chemical shower to kill the filth. I want to fumigate my house. The day after she dropped the bomb, I got tested for STD's. At the time, I was traumatized. Not because our relationship was over, but because I had never been the victim of such unbridled, unapologetic sadism before.
But at the same time, my extremely warped sense of humor relishes making light of things that you can't necessarily make light of easily, or appropriately. So she ate a Fentanyl patch and nearly died two years ago. She made an incredibly selfish, and stupid, decision to do that. She's made a lot of incredibly selfish and stupid decisions, and will likely continue to make more because that's who she is. Thankfully, she's gone, and the poor ******* who's marrying her has to put up with her now.
So, I guess this is a long and rambling way of saying I'd rather laugh at something horrible than to be traumatized by something horrible. Does that mean I'm still bleeding from what she did?
No.
You can't be bleeding and regain one's professional reputation at work the way I have. You can't be bleeding and take two incredibly hard courses in the hard sciences while working full time and do as well as I have if you're bleeding. In eight days, I graduate, and that's something that never would have happened if my AXGF was still in the picture. The greatest gift she ever gave me was her sadism. Because, at her core, she's a sadist, and she was finally honest about it. It propelled me towards recovery, and now, I can make fun of everything that happened, and make fun of her. Can everyone do that? No. But laughing beats crying any day...
ZoSo
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Agree to both posts. I still think it's pain, folks. Humor in the way the book Little Bee is wry and even hysterical at times while addressing truly horrific events.
I get it, trust me. We cope the way we cope. This isn't judgement, just personal impression. No one strong enough to be here and keep coming back is bleeding. Doesn't mean we are not still healing. Hell, I don't buy that we'd be here if we weren't healing and/or continuing to maintain our sanity.
You may not see it that way, but that's what it looks like to me from where I sit. This is solely my own opinion. Do I need to say that?
And I completely relate to the sentiments re: disgust over intimacy and also absurd family behaviors. But it's still not really humor and laughter we are talking about, in my opinion. Shock, horror, disbelief at the idiocy of it all.
I get it, trust me. We cope the way we cope. This isn't judgement, just personal impression. No one strong enough to be here and keep coming back is bleeding. Doesn't mean we are not still healing. Hell, I don't buy that we'd be here if we weren't healing and/or continuing to maintain our sanity.
You may not see it that way, but that's what it looks like to me from where I sit. This is solely my own opinion. Do I need to say that?
And I completely relate to the sentiments re: disgust over intimacy and also absurd family behaviors. But it's still not really humor and laughter we are talking about, in my opinion. Shock, horror, disbelief at the idiocy of it all.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am so glad that my husband and I can laugh at ourselves. His friend that works in our home office is finally able to laugh at himself too. He is 20 yrs sober, the ACOA and very serious but with a heck of a sense of humor when it comes out.
He is very good looking, smart and sweet with such low self esteem. Today, he told me thank you for helping him not take himself so serious. To quote Laurie, it made my heart smile.
He is very good looking, smart and sweet with such low self esteem. Today, he told me thank you for helping him not take himself so serious. To quote Laurie, it made my heart smile.
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