Searching for Advice for boyfriends AA
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Midland
Posts: 9
Searching for Advice for boyfriends AA
Hello,
I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now. Before we started dating i knew he was a recovering alcoholic- sober over two years now. He has tried pretty much every type of treatment over the years, and thought nothing really worked. he did AA and then quit, and relapsed, then tried again, and quit, but managed to maintain sobriety for a couple years now without AA. Recently, he decided he wanted to get back into AA, which i thought was great at first. i did not know much about it so i decided to look into it more. Upon doing a LOT of research i have found AA has a few good things but also a few things that concerned me- mostly the fact that it largely claims that faith in a higher power can restore sanity. Yet, alcoholism is supposed to be a disease, a medical condition, and to me that means it requires a medically based treatment as opposed to a faith based one. I have nothing against faith, but i just feel that faith alone is not a way to treat a medical condition. Anyways, I have explained my concerns to him, but he has fully embraced all that AA offers. I just have a hard time believing that this is a long term solution and it really scares me. And im not okay with just sitting back and hoping that a higher power will treat my boyfriend. I love him with all my heart, i want to support his sobriety as best as i can. Im worried that if i dont also believe in AA, that in some way giving him the impression that im not supporting HIM. Please help me. I have read the Big Book, and it still has not convinced me that it is the solution.
I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now. Before we started dating i knew he was a recovering alcoholic- sober over two years now. He has tried pretty much every type of treatment over the years, and thought nothing really worked. he did AA and then quit, and relapsed, then tried again, and quit, but managed to maintain sobriety for a couple years now without AA. Recently, he decided he wanted to get back into AA, which i thought was great at first. i did not know much about it so i decided to look into it more. Upon doing a LOT of research i have found AA has a few good things but also a few things that concerned me- mostly the fact that it largely claims that faith in a higher power can restore sanity. Yet, alcoholism is supposed to be a disease, a medical condition, and to me that means it requires a medically based treatment as opposed to a faith based one. I have nothing against faith, but i just feel that faith alone is not a way to treat a medical condition. Anyways, I have explained my concerns to him, but he has fully embraced all that AA offers. I just have a hard time believing that this is a long term solution and it really scares me. And im not okay with just sitting back and hoping that a higher power will treat my boyfriend. I love him with all my heart, i want to support his sobriety as best as i can. Im worried that if i dont also believe in AA, that in some way giving him the impression that im not supporting HIM. Please help me. I have read the Big Book, and it still has not convinced me that it is the solution.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
You don't need to believe in AA. It's your boyfriend's recovery and AA is his choice. There are many roads to recovery and many methods used by our members here. The main concern is that each of us find something that works for him.
It would be a good idea for you to use AlAnon as a support for yourself, and allow your boyfriend to continue working on his own recovery.
It would be a good idea for you to use AlAnon as a support for yourself, and allow your boyfriend to continue working on his own recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Midland
Posts: 9
Thank you for your advice I really appreciate you taking the time. I have a question about alanon. I mean since I've only been dating him 6 months I don't really feel like I have to "recover" from anything. I have never seen him drunk or even close to drinking I have not suffered through that with him so I don't really know why alanon could help me. I sort of just "walked into" this and our relationship is still so fresh. I hope you see what I'm saying.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
It sounds to me like you're trying to fix your boyfriend and make things work the way you want them to. The only thing that I have control over is my reaction to things. I have no control over anyone else or choices that they make. AlAnon can help you to focus on yourself, rather than your boyfriend.
Also, please check out our Friends & Families of Alcoholics forum on this board where you will find lots of support.
Also, please check out our Friends & Families of Alcoholics forum on this board where you will find lots of support.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
My Higher power created the heavens and the earth and everything in between, I think he can handle this too.I think my faith has healed me. I was in a nursing home for 2 months a little less than 2 years ago paralyzed in a diaper and on a feeding tube following a withdrawal seizure which had me in a psych ward for 32 days total completely delusional(Insane). God fully restored me, I am clean and sober and reasonably happy. Yah I think faith in him can move mountains.
PS maybe you don't believe in miracles cuz you don't have faith they will come true. Faith produces miracles.
PS maybe you don't believe in miracles cuz you don't have faith they will come true. Faith produces miracles.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I have 33 years sober in AA and I am just a baby. Last week one of our founding mebers celebrated 60 years.. so I gues it is a long term solution for some, maybe many.
On the professional front we had a talk for a professor of psychiatry and head of our natinal addiction center. To paraphrase as near as possible he said "AA is the most successful self help programme for any disease, ever in history" Another thing he stressed was that there is a paricular group of alcoholics that have not responded well to various medications tried over the years, this group just continues to get worse in spite of all medical efforts.
He believes that recovery for this type can only be brought about by some kind of conversion experience, and up till now, medical science has not found a way to induce this.
By the sound of it, your BF is right where he has the best chance of success.
On the professional front we had a talk for a professor of psychiatry and head of our natinal addiction center. To paraphrase as near as possible he said "AA is the most successful self help programme for any disease, ever in history" Another thing he stressed was that there is a paricular group of alcoholics that have not responded well to various medications tried over the years, this group just continues to get worse in spite of all medical efforts.
He believes that recovery for this type can only be brought about by some kind of conversion experience, and up till now, medical science has not found a way to induce this.
By the sound of it, your BF is right where he has the best chance of success.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
Originally Posted by Gottalife 
I have 33 years sober in AA and I am just a baby. Last week one of our founding mebers celebrated 60 years.. so I gues it is a long term solution for some, maybe many.
On the professional front we had a talk for a professor of psychiatry and head of our natinal addiction center. To paraphrase as near as possible he said "AA is the most successful self help programme for any disease, ever in history" Another thing he stressed was that there is a paricular group of alcoholics that have not responded well to various medications tried over the years, this group just continues to get worse in spite of all medical efforts.
He believes that recovery for this type can only be brought about by some kind of conversion experience, and up till now, medical science has not found a way to induce this.
By the sound of it, your BF is right where he has the best chance of success.
On the professional front we had a talk for a professor of psychiatry and head of our natinal addiction center. To paraphrase as near as possible he said "AA is the most successful self help programme for any disease, ever in history" Another thing he stressed was that there is a paricular group of alcoholics that have not responded well to various medications tried over the years, this group just continues to get worse in spite of all medical efforts.
He believes that recovery for this type can only be brought about by some kind of conversion experience, and up till now, medical science has not found a way to induce this.
By the sound of it, your BF is right where he has the best chance of success.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Hi Bexland. Can you just accept the fact that AA has been successful for over 75 years and millions world wide are in recovery, notice I didn't write recovered. It's based on not drinking one day at a time. Some of your concerns might be answered by the fact that almost ALL detoxes and or rehabs are based on the principals of AA. I too have 33 years, one day at a time with AA. BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 429
You can't go to medical treatment centers for the rest of your life, its not an option. However you can go to AA for the rest of your life, for Free!
Once you realize there is a power greater than yourself, it makes all the difference in recovery. Be grateful he has done that & is sober.
Have you tried Al-Anon? You will surly find people that have had you concerns & would be easier to talk to them, instead of your boyfriend when he is working on HIS recovery.
Prayers!
Once you realize there is a power greater than yourself, it makes all the difference in recovery. Be grateful he has done that & is sober.
Have you tried Al-Anon? You will surly find people that have had you concerns & would be easier to talk to them, instead of your boyfriend when he is working on HIS recovery.
Prayers!
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Concern is commendable, but it's your boyfriend's recovery. Not yours. Stay out of it, please.
You should pop over to the friends and family of alcoholics forum. Read some posts from loved ones who are begging their alcoholic to do something, anything, to resolve their issue with drinking. They would embrace anything, ******, if it would get their loved one sober. And you have a sober bf. Count your blessings.
Have you read the AA Big Book?
You should pop over to the friends and family of alcoholics forum. Read some posts from loved ones who are begging their alcoholic to do something, anything, to resolve their issue with drinking. They would embrace anything, ******, if it would get their loved one sober. And you have a sober bf. Count your blessings.
Have you read the AA Big Book?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Midland
Posts: 9
Last night I came across a fantastic journal article and it has really helped me and I am in full support of aa now 
the article talks about the neuroscience behind aa and offers a scientific explanation, as opposed to a spiritual one which is what I was struggling with since I am Agnostic. For anyone else who is agnostic or even atheist and did not find the chapter to the agnostic helpful in the big book,I think you should check out this article below, I feel so much better about this now!!!
Okay so when I tried to attach the article it said I need at least 15 posts, so unfortunately I can't share it. But if interested just good neuroscience of aa and there is more information and articles published in scholarly, credible journals
the article talks about the neuroscience behind aa and offers a scientific explanation, as opposed to a spiritual one which is what I was struggling with since I am Agnostic. For anyone else who is agnostic or even atheist and did not find the chapter to the agnostic helpful in the big book,I think you should check out this article below, I feel so much better about this now!!! Okay so when I tried to attach the article it said I need at least 15 posts, so unfortunately I can't share it. But if interested just good neuroscience of aa and there is more information and articles published in scholarly, credible journals
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Bexland, if you get the chance to read the book "The Power of Habit", you will find that AA is addressed in some detail there also. You might find that interesting, based on the posts of yours I see here.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Bexland
And to doggoncarl, yes I have read the big book cover to cover
I'm glad you are onboard with the foundation of your bf's recovery. I had to study to full spectum of addiction and addiction science myself. Taking in what the founders of AA knew instinctively and melding it with what science is discovering....guided by my HP, of course
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
I don't believe in faith healing: be it Christian Science or AA. I don't see alcoholism as a disease, but as a behavioral malady. But be that as it may, this is your boyfriend's issue. If AA is working for him count yourself lucky. The recovery statistics are very depressingly poor.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Bexland, I go to aa on a regular and have now for 1021 days. I go for the fellowship of men and women who have a desire to stop drinking and aa gets its share of credit for helping me stay sober. You are right, faith and higher powers don't cure diseases. As far as being worried that if you don't believe in aa as he does is not being supportive, talk to him about that. I have no doubt you care and want to help, but the bottom line is he's the drunk, he's the one that has to do the work required to stay sober. Also, if you decide to go to an alanon meeting and don't like it, don't go back, like I said he's the drunk. 
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