Still Trying to Calm Nerves & Move Forward
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Oldfort, Tn
Posts: 15
Still Trying to Calm Nerves & Move Forward
So many of you have responded to me and with wonderful advice and support, weather I liked it or not hearing the words. I don't know how to heal the pain of all this..I don't care about the physical pain, that will heal, but the emotional pain will never.
Each day has not gotten easier with my AS in jail..Turned my phone back on, first time since he kept calling me, and of course there was 4 voicemails where he tried to call and a couple from the bonds man..I know it is only 100 bucks to get him out, but my son really needs help mentally and for his drug addiction.
This has got to be so much stress that my husband calls me from work today and breaks down crying on phone, with his disease and all, its too much.
I believe once we get 2000 miles away and near his family that stress part may leave, but of course not the illness part. That won't happen til he gets a transplant and unfortuanalty he cannot get that til his body starts shutting down and then we pray one comes in time..I love my husband more than life. We go bac 37 yrs, been married 16, and our 16 yrs of marriage have been the greatest. People ask how we do it, his family, my family do not understand that we neve ever argue..If we have issues we talk about them..My soul mate. I am terrified that once I go 2000 miles away what will become of my AS. It has to be made clear to him that he can no longer maniuplate me or us or use his guilt trips on me. Such as I made him lose jobs, I cost him money, I made him do drugs, its my fault for everything. He lost every vehicle he had due to drugs. We done all we could to help him. I find it so hard to just breathe, my nerves are so bad. My husband is having severe panic attack and breakdowns.. Are we really doing the right thing letting my AS face this, that he may go to prison and we are walking away? Is that the best solution. I have no clue..Actually someone mentioned I was blessed with 2 other good sons, actually its 3 other sons, its just the oldest was not here on that day all went down, he is married and lives 20 miles away. Thank each and everyone of you..I feel for anyone who has an addict in their life. The pain is unbearable..
Each day has not gotten easier with my AS in jail..Turned my phone back on, first time since he kept calling me, and of course there was 4 voicemails where he tried to call and a couple from the bonds man..I know it is only 100 bucks to get him out, but my son really needs help mentally and for his drug addiction.
This has got to be so much stress that my husband calls me from work today and breaks down crying on phone, with his disease and all, its too much.
I believe once we get 2000 miles away and near his family that stress part may leave, but of course not the illness part. That won't happen til he gets a transplant and unfortuanalty he cannot get that til his body starts shutting down and then we pray one comes in time..I love my husband more than life. We go bac 37 yrs, been married 16, and our 16 yrs of marriage have been the greatest. People ask how we do it, his family, my family do not understand that we neve ever argue..If we have issues we talk about them..My soul mate. I am terrified that once I go 2000 miles away what will become of my AS. It has to be made clear to him that he can no longer maniuplate me or us or use his guilt trips on me. Such as I made him lose jobs, I cost him money, I made him do drugs, its my fault for everything. He lost every vehicle he had due to drugs. We done all we could to help him. I find it so hard to just breathe, my nerves are so bad. My husband is having severe panic attack and breakdowns.. Are we really doing the right thing letting my AS face this, that he may go to prison and we are walking away? Is that the best solution. I have no clue..Actually someone mentioned I was blessed with 2 other good sons, actually its 3 other sons, its just the oldest was not here on that day all went down, he is married and lives 20 miles away. Thank each and everyone of you..I feel for anyone who has an addict in their life. The pain is unbearable..
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am terrified that once I go 2000 miles away what will become of my AS.
We now live away from him and haven't seen him or heard from him in years...because he still chooses to use drugs.
The difference is that when he lived with us, our home became a combat zone and there was never peace or joy or anything but darkness and fear. Whereas today, living away from him, I have accepted that I cannot change him and instead give his care to God in prayer every morning and then live my life finding joy in every sunrise and beauty in ever day.
My son didn't change but I did. If I had not I would not be alive today.
Please do what you and your husband need to do to take care of yourselves. You cannot change your son, but you can pray for him and like me, hope that God can do for him what we cannot.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Debysue - I just don't see how you can "help" him. He doesn't even ask for help to get sober, only for a safe place to lay his head at night, a fridge full of food, electricity and water paid for, and .... a punching bag when things don't go his way.
None of this is OK.
He is a grown man and he is capable of choosing his own life....and he HAS chosen it!!! Don't you see? This is the life he has chosen. You also have the right to choose what your life looks like and control those things you can control in order to obtain a more peaceful existance with your soul mate.
Your son has willfully destroyed your relationship and you have every right to walk away. Yes, it hurts. It hurts BAD. But your pain will not be diminished by enabling him to continue this abuse. It's getting WORSE! Next time he might pull a knife or start choking one of you or set the house on fire!
You do not have the power to save him. Save yourselves.
I'm the mom of an addict, too. I'm talking to myself as much as I'm talking to you. I'm walking with you and I care.
None of this is OK.
He is a grown man and he is capable of choosing his own life....and he HAS chosen it!!! Don't you see? This is the life he has chosen. You also have the right to choose what your life looks like and control those things you can control in order to obtain a more peaceful existance with your soul mate.
Your son has willfully destroyed your relationship and you have every right to walk away. Yes, it hurts. It hurts BAD. But your pain will not be diminished by enabling him to continue this abuse. It's getting WORSE! Next time he might pull a knife or start choking one of you or set the house on fire!
You do not have the power to save him. Save yourselves.
I'm the mom of an addict, too. I'm talking to myself as much as I'm talking to you. I'm walking with you and I care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Oldfort, Tn
Posts: 15
Does It Ever Get Easier?
I read the responses and some are just so dead on..The threats have already been there. To burn our house down, kill all of us..Knifes have been pulled, clubs, whatever. I was just to dumb to admit I could not save him, my AS, I just begged give me one more day and I can fix this.
He has asked for help, but he is never serious. The help is only his way of getting what he wanted til the next fix. Such as if you don't let me use the computer I will have to do drugs. You make my life so miserable I have to use drugs. On and on..I just do not understand with all the damage and heartache how I can even allow myself to even care and be so scared for him. I guess because underneath is that son I did raise. Somewhere along the line he became an addict. His troubles did not start over night. I been dealing with him in and out of trouble since he was 11 and he is now 28.
I enabled, I bailed him out every time, with always the promise he was never gonna do that again. My AS at one time was found beaten and laying on side of road unconscience almost 3 hours from home. We had to drive there and get him. They had taken him to a rehab center. They talked to us and said he was real bad and he needed treatment. Of course with no insurance, money or anything we could not get that treatment. I know right now he is hating me.
I have to focus on us, as my husband had a near breakdown today at his work and I had to go to his work..It was a bad panic attack. He is stressing so much and dealing with his disease. I just don't understand how my AS could be so selfish that he did not even care what we are already going through and to put this stress on us. I am so sorry I am venting..I heard through someone that they had called the courts and was told my AS had already been to court. I thought that was strange because my husband and other son were to be there and they never gave them the court date. But I reckon he is still in there and thats all I know..yes its painful and it hurts and hard to accept..I will never get the answer as to why?
He has asked for help, but he is never serious. The help is only his way of getting what he wanted til the next fix. Such as if you don't let me use the computer I will have to do drugs. You make my life so miserable I have to use drugs. On and on..I just do not understand with all the damage and heartache how I can even allow myself to even care and be so scared for him. I guess because underneath is that son I did raise. Somewhere along the line he became an addict. His troubles did not start over night. I been dealing with him in and out of trouble since he was 11 and he is now 28.
I enabled, I bailed him out every time, with always the promise he was never gonna do that again. My AS at one time was found beaten and laying on side of road unconscience almost 3 hours from home. We had to drive there and get him. They had taken him to a rehab center. They talked to us and said he was real bad and he needed treatment. Of course with no insurance, money or anything we could not get that treatment. I know right now he is hating me.
I have to focus on us, as my husband had a near breakdown today at his work and I had to go to his work..It was a bad panic attack. He is stressing so much and dealing with his disease. I just don't understand how my AS could be so selfish that he did not even care what we are already going through and to put this stress on us. I am so sorry I am venting..I heard through someone that they had called the courts and was told my AS had already been to court. I thought that was strange because my husband and other son were to be there and they never gave them the court date. But I reckon he is still in there and thats all I know..yes its painful and it hurts and hard to accept..I will never get the answer as to why?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The Salvation Army has a very good rehab program that costs nothing. If he is serious about recovery he will contact them and find one. If he is not then do you really want to remain in a front row seat to his addiction? It's the worst seat in the house and I know that when I finally took a giant step back, I saw things more clearly.
There are many places where he can get help, meetings, free rehabs, sober living houses...if he wants it. If he doesn't, nothing you do or don't do will change him...but it will make you sicker and sicker as time goes by. I know because it almost destroyed me.
Hugs
There are many places where he can get help, meetings, free rehabs, sober living houses...if he wants it. If he doesn't, nothing you do or don't do will change him...but it will make you sicker and sicker as time goes by. I know because it almost destroyed me.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Oldfort, Tn
Posts: 15
Thank You Ann, I am going to research some of those places, so should he get out, I can have the list ready for him..No I cannot allow him to stay here anymore. He is like a little boy in a man's body at times. We will soon be gone 2000 miles away and it will be sink or swim for him. He will still have 2 brothers that will be living in same town as him but they too say he cannot stay with them. I honestly don't think he ever thought the day would come when I would turn my back on him like this.
Being sober for a year will not get it either, because he did that when I sent him 2000 miles away for that very reason, he lasted 1 yr and oh he looked so good and healthy, gained weight, got his Ged, then got a job and bam, thats all it took, start getting money, hanging with the wrong people and right back into it, of course with his dad's blessings..That is the hard part..
As for being sick, I am already sick, I have lost over 30 lbs from stress and stay nauseated, my husband is so sick with stress on top of his illness. We both agreed today that he still needs support and to know he is loved. Just he cannot hurt us anymore with his addiction or put us through it anymore.
Again I thank you for the advice..
Being sober for a year will not get it either, because he did that when I sent him 2000 miles away for that very reason, he lasted 1 yr and oh he looked so good and healthy, gained weight, got his Ged, then got a job and bam, thats all it took, start getting money, hanging with the wrong people and right back into it, of course with his dad's blessings..That is the hard part..
As for being sick, I am already sick, I have lost over 30 lbs from stress and stay nauseated, my husband is so sick with stress on top of his illness. We both agreed today that he still needs support and to know he is loved. Just he cannot hurt us anymore with his addiction or put us through it anymore.
Again I thank you for the advice..
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
You are not turning you back on him, you are merely allowing him to live the life and the consequences of his own choosing. That's the best we can do.
I have often heard many recovery addicts say when they lost all their enablers, they eventually sought help. I pray your son will be one of those people.
I have often heard many recovery addicts say when they lost all their enablers, they eventually sought help. I pray your son will be one of those people.
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