shinebright7

I was feeling hopeful...

That I could feel better and my husband could feel better too...

Especially after I had the courage to tell him he couldn't live here right now...

But I am discouraged today.

I keep reading stories of people who are going through all kinds of crap and stress even when their loved ones are clean.

The struggle to be able to trust again...

The relapses...

The continued manipulation...

I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it.

My husband and I have been married less than a year...

I didn't get it that he had a substance abuse problem when we got married.

He wasn't using and any things related to drugs that he told me about from his past, I thought were over in the same way that my drug use (pot) in the past was over too.

But it wasn't over for him. It was just on hold as he tried to will power his way to not using until he couldn't handle that anymore and started sneaking around behind my back.

Right now it looks like we won't even be living together for our 1 year anniversary in July. I kicked him out 2.5 weeks ago and even though he's not using, his addicted mind is still super alive.

I am not ready to let him come back yet.

The truth is I don't trust him -- particularly that he won't lie or trick me to get what he wants. Such an awful feeling -- that my husband would use me.

But I get that's what the addicted mind does.

I feel like I'm grieving.

My sweetheart is sick and will basically always be sick for the rest of his life -- and I can't do anything to help him.

This is not the life I intended to have.

But here it is. This IS my life right now.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change..
The courage to change the things I can...
And the wisdom to know the difference.

<sigh>

Only a miracle can help my husband.

Only a miracle can restore me to sanity.

But I can't get attached to this idea of a miracle.

I've heard that only 8-10% of addicts find recovery.

I don't know if my husband will be one of them...

But this emotional roller coaster I'm on is making is sick and sad and tired.

I have to focus more on me. And not even think about my husband right now.

Just venting and grieving. This too shall pass.

Lily1918

I feel as though I could have written this post.

hugs.

Ann

You are grieving, the loss of your dreams and hopes for a future together.

You can't save him, if love could save our addicted loved ones, not one of us would be here.

It is sad grieving for this loss, but it is part of healing and hopefully one day soon you will be able to heal and move forward.

Hugs

peacedove

my heart goes out to you. you will find your way. it is heartbreaking to discover the deception, the truth and then the reality. may you find strength, peace and understanding to help you navigate in the best direction for you.

Vale

shinebrite7,

We all have struggled to find a silver lining to this cloud called
addiction.One is tempted towards Friedrich Nietzsche's quote
"What does not destroy us...makes us stronger".

Sorry,Friedrich,I think I will stick with 'Vales corollary' to
your timeless quote.......AKA.....

"What does not destroy us,makes us stronger(except addiction,
in which case---just get the hell out of there!)"

Nana3

I could have written this post I sit in your exact same situation. I am tired and drained. I have been battling my partners addiction for two years but have come to realize I can't do it alone. It is time to move on for me. With the knowledge I have done everything in my power to aid in recovery it has done no good. It is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever been through.

peacedove

oh, a memory just came to me. may help but may not. the first week we dated, my ex and i had a convo regarding what we considered "dealbreakers" for relationships/marriage. two came to mind that i felt strongly about. one was drug addiction and the other was cheating. i stated them both clearly to him. explained how difficult and horrible they both were and how it was just too hard to get over, usually, in the long run. his answer to his own question? there were no deal breakers he could think of. that everything could be conquered. hmmmmmmmmmm. back then i thought "wow, what a guy. he's a keeper. rarely do you hear a man say something so strong and committed." fast forward to me now. i discovered he is an addict. he did cheat on me. some may say it wasn't a woman. no, it was worse.

he knew he was an addict when i answered the question the very first week. he was using when i answered the question the very first week. 10 months later, after giving he and his two boys my entire heart and soul, I found the truth. we were not married so it is different in many ways but the pain is the same. he denied any of this is even real. he's denied everything under the sun or said he "forgot" or whatever else you want to throw in there.

i pray for you to find your way through this. i really do. and you can!

neferkamichael

Hey shine, 8-10% is on the high side I hate to say. So sorry you have to go through this.

shinebright7

Thanks so much everyone. ((hugs))

I went to my friend's house and cried a bit then we sat and meditated together.

It felt good to be still and get centered.

I texted my sponsor that I woke up panicking about how I don't think I'm going to be able to handle a lifetime of this and that it sounds exhausting.

She texted back: "ODAT...projecting is exhausting."

(ODAT = One Day at a Time)

So that's what I"m trying to do now.

It's a necessity for me that I stay in the moment and not jump into "later" when it comes to my husband...whatever time frame that might be.

I just need to stay here, with me, and tend to what's in front of me.

Some things on my list:
- showering
- doing laundry
- calling my friend to borrow money
- watering the plants
- tending to the fish bowls
- putting away the winter clothes
- making something yummy for dinner
- brainstorm ideas for doing more consulting work
- getting gas in my car
- dropping off my rent check
- more meditating
- going to a meeting

I have plenty plenty plenty to do without worrying about what my life is going to be like in the future or in relation to my husband.

If more grieving comes up, I will not stuff my feelings.

I will let myself feel it and then trust that it will pass and I will feel available to do other things again soon.

I appreciate being able to come here and vent.

I'm sorry that so many of us can relate to these same types of feelings and situations, but it is comforting to know that I am not alone.

And that those of you who are further along this process than I am have found happiness and peace whether your addict is sober or or not. xo

shinebright7

My husband has said that he thinks I'm overreacting -- like I'm acting as if he cheated on me -- because of my kicking him out of the house and stuff. I told him I DO feel like you cheated on me...just not with a woman.

He also in our early relationship conversations asked me what the most important things are to me in a relationship.

My answer? Trust. His answer: Loyalty.

One night, in a moment of such honesty as we were laying in the dark looking into each others eyes, he said out of nowhere on the verge of tears: "Please tell me not to drink or do drugs."

I didn't know anything about addiction at the time...but even at that point in time I had the awareness to say sweetly: "Babe, I can't make you not drink or do drugs. That's something only you can do."

He said so sincerely, "Please, just say it."

I paused a long time, and eventually said it just so he could hear it.

Looking back now, knowing what I know about him and his issues, I see that he KNEW he had a problem.

His saying that was expressing his concern that he would use again and it would affect our relationship.

He seemed to think that if I didn't want him to do it, and told him so, that he would be able to stop FOR ME.

That obviously hasn't been the case.

When I can put myself in his shoes for a moment -- it just must feel so out of control and awful to watch yourself do things, and feel like you can't stop it even though you know it's going to make things crappy.

He doesn't want to ruin our marriage. He doesn't want me not to trust him. He doesn't want to have me kicking him out of the house...

And yet, because of addiction, he does things that are negatively affecting both of us.

<sigh>

Sitting with compassion. And love. And gratitude to God that I am not experiencing what he is experiencing.

Lily1918

this post made me literally whoop and holler!!!!! TALK ABOUT ESH!!! omg THANK YOU!!!
talk ABOUT all over the place emotions -_- haha all I know is that you gave me hop and made me smile.

shinebright7

Lily - I had to read your reply several times before I could finally LET IT IN and feel a smile come across my face. :-)

Thank you for sharing that it helped you. It really does make me happier thinking of you being that much more hopeful and smiley in your little world, too. *mwah*

Lily1918

the cheating convo came up with my addict before. well... my Ex addict. my whatever... he is an addict he isnt mine.

here is how I have decided to view it. Im not a wife but just bear with me.

we like to think that we are the wives, and that the drug is the mistress. but I don't think that in the addicted mind that is true. I believe that the drug is the wife. She (in my case heroin) held him first. She holds his heart and mind. I am (was... ugh that's gonna take getting used to) the mistress on the side. I asked him over and over to divorce his wife and be with me always. But she holds him. She is who he is loyal to. she gets his attention and love and physical desire even. not me. Im just the after thought. He loves her. He uses me
translated:
we want to believe they love us and use drugs... imho... no. They love drugs and use us.

peacedove

shine, there are some similarities in our story as with others here. early on, mine spoke of fear of abandonment. we talked a little about it but i didn't really put much weight on it other than assuring him i wasn't a leaver. he told me how glad hewas he had found someone who could say that to him. i remember thinking "huh, he's never really met anyone who was totally into commitment? weird, i mean, he's handsome, has tons of friends, has a business...." he told me it was because people today just aren't wired up the way they used to be. well, kind of true, we all know divorce rates these days and how things have changed over the years. for whatever reasons, it seemed like a normal conversation to me. i don't know how much longer it was after this when something happened and it triggered me to talk to him about how some of his actions/behaviors would actually sabatoge a relationship. he kind of laughed it off saying "you got me on that one." once again, i thought we had made headway. after all, he didn't do whatever it was i called him out on again. no.....not then...he didn't. but see, i didn't know he was using. somehow, me being caught up with his 3 yr old and 5 yr old, cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, teaching another to read for school, playing with them, getting bath time done and then me coming home to my place each night--i was preoccupied with the children and then when he and i had our time on a day here and there...well, it just didn't dawn on me what he was or what he was doing. somehow, he fit it all in there without me really knowing. some here will say i was clueless. i've wondered myself so don't worry. like i said in one of my first posts, i addressed him drinking too much early on-- i addressed him partying too much early on. he decreased it enough. but in the end, it flared back up.THAT's when i finally walked in on him using. i realize he never stopped. he merely changed his routine or kept it from me. until the day he didn't. until the day he didn't care? i don't know.
i can tell you the person i saw the last time i saw him when i walked in and saw blow on the countertop in the kitchen on the same night he was boozing it up with his buddy---the way he acted--his dismissal of me like i was a thorn in his side and a real pain in the butt. well, that's the person i try to remember these days. may not be what i am supposed to do but it's all i can do to get through.
i have no doubt he's never been in anything commited and i also believe he does fear abandonment. he chooses things that makes these other things happen. he still says or tells people i left him. i have to accept he says that. no one knows what he does other than he and the other users of his choice. but i also know this: i never left him. he was gone before i ever could.

in that sad last sentence i have to be find a way to be thankful. i can't change it. he is who he is. i gave him more than that. i deserve more than that, too.

pacificsunrise

Lily1918 - this is the first time someone has put it that way and it is so true. thank you so much for this insight. I couldn't agree more. hugs

peacedove

lily--that is perfect.

no, they love drugs...they use us.

omg, that is what i will call a "lillyism" from here on out!

EverHopeful721

Wow, Lily....powerful (and true) words. Thank you for posting this and giving me some much-needed clarity tonight.

pacificsunrise

peacedove - thank you for your post, my AH says the same thing about me leaving him. I like it much better the way you said it, I couldn't leave b/c he was already gone. mine too. hugs and hope.

allforcnm

I shared this earlier with Shinebright, but in case anyone else is interested in this topic thought I would share statistics from the National Institute of Drug Abuse. (link can be found in Stickies at top of page). They say that only about 10% of addicts actually seek out treatment. But out of those that do… assuming they get treatment that meets all of their needs: 40 – 60% DO NOT relapse. The stats are consistent with other chronic illness. There is another source, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Admin. that shares a similiar estimate.

shinebright7

Yeah, Peacedove -- i see that my husband has not really spent much time HERE because he has been gone mentally and preoccupied with drugs/alcohol in this thinking.

Not all the time, granted...and I am grateful that his situation is not one in which he has been using every day and is tangled up in something like heroin or hooked on pain pills that has him at the physical level too and needing detox and stuff like that.

But like Lily said...they love drugs and use us.

I do know that he loves drugs.

He loves to be high.

He loves been taken out of the feeling of his every day life (which for him is a somewhat depressed and anxious feeling.)

He particularly loves acid and mushrooms because of the ways it allows his mind to expand. (He did tons of this back in the day but is not something he has done since we have been together.)

But as I look back, when we first got together, he made jokes about drugs and quoted lines from drug movies like Matthew McConn...where he's all "cool" or whatever.

He's always been infatuated with the 60's and 70's music and Jim Morrison/The Doors.

He has this romanticized view of drugs and alcohol.

Started smoking cigarettes as a teenager to be and look cool...

Told me how he would copy the way actors held their cigarettes and blew out the smoke...like totally into how other people saw him.

(Thankfully he quit smoking many years ago.)

But so much of it for him has been social -- wanting to stop being shy and to be the life of the party instead.

Wanting to be cool. Wanting to experience something BETTER. And it's been wanting to escape the pain of his life.

My husband is never satisfied with what is. He always wants to be experiencing something new. Dreaming of a vacation. Wanting to live in Canada where there's better health care. Wishing he had a better job.

WHAT IS is never good enough for him. He's very unsettled in this way.

Which is part of why he keeps reaching for drugs to help him get that feeling of MORE and BETTER. I think it was KE that said her son's drug of choice was MORE.

My husband wants more too.

He's a seeker. I am too.

But he hasn't stopped looking for happiness and peace and spiritual insights in drugs.

Hmmm...I know I'm talking a lot about him right now, but this has been helpful for me to replay some of the signs I missed earlier on because I just didn't know to start adding them up.

Another downside to my being TERRIBLE at math since I was in the 4th grade? LOL