CarryOn

I’ve been reading SR for a few weeks now, and have found it a good place to gather information in the form of experience so thought it was time to join and introduce myself. I would like to have another source for sharing what I am going through and getting support from others. I have been in individual counseling for about six months and started attending Al-Anon earlier this month but have yet to find a “regular” meeting for myself.

The A in my life is my husband. We are approaching ten years of marriage this year. My husband had been sober for several years when we met, and remained that way up until 18 months ago (17 years total). Through my counseling, I have learned that he was really a “dry drunk”. I have no idea what triggered him to begin drinking again nor did he discuss it with me at all. As I had not experienced his prior drinking, I went with the flow for several months. I was never comfortable with it but no one else was noting any issues so I expressed my concerns but nothing improved.

This past October, I recognized that things were much worse than I wanted to admit. I realized that I had not had a sober conversation with my husband in a week, he was not remembering conversations we had, and he was making statements that indicated a complete lack of self- esteem. I had always known him as being confident so I knew there was a real problem. I reached out for help for myself, realizing my actions were not helping, and hoping that would start both of us on a better path.

Over the last six months, my husband has “quit” five times…returning to drinking each time. I have been learning to establish boundaries and detach. I set a firm boundary five weeks ago that I would no longer live with an active alcoholic and kicked him out of our home. To his credit, he contacted a treatment program, went for the assessment and attended four nights of the IOP. Unfortunately, his job required him to leave town the next week and he resumed his drinking while away. He will not discuss anything about his drinking, treatment, etc. (another boundary – I will no longer initiate conversations about our relationship, his drinking or possible treatment because I only end up being upset). He says he wants to talk when he comes home this weekend.

So, back to waiting, trying to be patient and give him time. I’m not ready to take any other steps at this point.

I know you will ask…what am I doing to take care of myself? Counseling and al-anon, spending time with friends and family, spending more time on the quiet activities I enjoy, cuddling and playing with our dogs…and trying to identify the additional things I want to do for myself. I am slightly hindered in some of these activities as I have encountered other very stressful events over the last few weeks/months. I informed my HP a few days ago that He has given me enough for now…no more testing needed, please!

Thank you for helping me to feel comfortable posting here before I had even done so. I hope to learn a lot, be able to support others, and have others support me while helping to keep me in check, too.

Wes58

im new at all of this so i don't have lots to say, but i can send good thoughts your way, thanks for sharing your story.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting when needed. We understand and we are here to support you.

I think you are doing a great job of setting boundaries and not letting the alcoholic push your boundaries!

When I separated from my alcoholic husband, we went NO Contact for about a week. When I initiated contact to discuss a household matter, he started with the promises (all been said before). He started asking for another chance. This was a form of manipulation from him. I knew that I was vulnerable to hearing those promises. After all, they were what I wanted to hear. So I established the boundary of not discussing anything personal. I needed to have time and space to figure out my future and I needed it to be free of the manipulations of an alcoholic.

I told him I would not listen to the promises. He then started to promise and ask for chances after being told. I politely stated that I was finished with our conversation and hanging up. I hung up the phone. He got the point!

Keep reaching out for support, you are worth the effort!

SolTraveler

I am so sorry about your husband. How disappointing to watch him go downhill after so many years of marriage.

I agree that you have done an admirable job of setting boundaries. I hope he gets better.

CarryOn

Thank you all for your kind words and support.

I was fortunate to find a great counselor with a background in addiction. I need someone to help me understand what I am dealing with. She does a great job of gently working me into these concepts that I'm learning are necessary when dealing with an alcoholic.

He called tonight and asked me to have dinner with him Saturday. I just have to work hard at keeping my anxiety in check until then; then keeping my boundaries in place once I get there. I hope he'll initiate some discussion about everything, and if not, I'll keep my boundaries in line & try to enjoy my meal!

CarryOn

This has been so hard - a betrayal like I had never experienced. It is unbelievable to me how quickly this disease can make someone unrecognizable. One of the hardest things is I was the only one that really saw how the alcohol affected him, to most people he was just a more fun version of himself, but he saved the nastiness for me. He has not told his brother he started drinking again (red flag, anyone?), and his best friend since 12yo just told me to keep on him but offered no support. Parents are deceased, his dad was an alcoholic & mom may have been too. His other friends are enablers. So thankful my friends and family are supportive of me.