JimiH576

Hi,

I am new to the site so if I'm posting in the wrong forum I apologize. I just need some advice. I'm a 25 year old male and I've been dating a girl for 2 years off and on. The cause of the off and on was drinking. Her drinking habits, and more specifically her mothers drinking habits have been an issue since our beginning. My girlfriend was a completely out of control drinker, attempted more than one suicide, and had an eating disorder, all before we met. Once we started hanging out, drinking socially, I noticed her stories turned to tragic memories of her childhood, centered around her mom's drinking. For the last two years, I have been trying to help my girlfriend with this. It is directly affecting our relationship. But I am the only person in her life that is saying, "hey, u might want to pay attention to Ur patterns of drinking because they are concerning." She was raised with no love, and suffered from every known symptom of being a child of an alcoholic. We fight and break up every couple of months bc I notice a bad pattern forming, she denies it, and we break up. It happened two days ago. I just sent her mom a text message laying it out. My girlfriend needs someone to fight for her, but we I'm going against the entire family's way of life, I'm bound to lose. Telling her mom all the things she is too afraid to tell her herself was my last play. I love her and I see the greatness in her. How do I get her to handle her issues without forcing her to do it? I've tried everything...

dandylion

Dear Jimi, sometimes it comes down to the fact that the only thing we can do is get out of their way and love them from a distance. This is a hard reality to accept for most of us.

I propose that the next constructive thing for you to do is to get some support through alanon. Also, learn all you can, here on this board. Knowledge and understanding of what you are up against will make your path easier.

Jimi, you are young--and the universe has presented you with an opportunity to gain something positive from a tragic situation. Learn more about yourself. Even if you end this toxic relationship--YOU ARE ALMOST CERTAIN TO ENTER INTO ANOTHER SIMILAR ONE (unwittingly, of course). These pattern almost always repeat themselves unless one gains more awareness in the meantime.

sincerely, dandylion

wanttobehealthy

I was married for 10 years to an alcoholic (who I didn't realize was an alcoholic for a long time but that's another issue) and I was and am the only one who told him he has an issue.

His family (his dad was an alcoholic, his brother is an alcoholic and his mom is a controlling enabler who smiles sweetly while manipulating everyone so she controls everything) all painted me as evil for suggesting their perfect son/brother had an issue and my ex managed to turn my family and friends against me very slowly but successfully by presenting one side of himself to them and the alcoholic abuser side only to me and family and friends believed I was crazy for not finding my ex the saint they all saw him as.

I wasted the past 15 yrs (dating and marriage time together) trying to help him, trying to get him to see his ways, etc.....

Do yourself a favor and wish your gf well and care about yourself first and walk away (even if just for a short time).

You can't fix her. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't change it...

You are 100% right in this sentence here: I have reached out to my ex's family hundreds of times during this marriage hoping they'd love him enough to want to help -- but like you know, going against the family's way of life (that they all have a vested interest in maintaining) you will lose and you will be hurt.

My self esteem is in the dumps and I have lost friends and family relationships because of my actions and his over time all following the same patterns you describe.

My heart goes out to you because I could have written just what you did and probably did write that several years ago.

Sadly your story is familiar and there is nothing you can do to change or help your gf or her family.

Please save yourself. If you stay and try to fight for your gf you will be hurting yourself. She has to want to fight for herself. It sounds, as was the case with my ex too, that you want her to be healthy SO much more than she wants it for herself.

Terrispots

Jimi - therein lies the problem, you are trying to save her, from herself, and you cant. You are trying to help her, but only she can help herself.

The relationship you think you have isnt there. She is an alcoholic and the person you think you know is not really her.

Her family isnt going to help her, they are as sick and wrongheaded as she is. If they admit that she has a problem, they will have to admit they have a problem.

I can honestly tell you, this is not a relationship that is going to end well. You sound like a great, loving, man, and should go find a woman that doesnt need to be saved to give that love and kindness to.

BoxinRotz

Ahhhhh yes.... telling her family. I called my MIL and told her, If you don't want to view AH in a casket at the funeral home, you best quit furbishing him with vodka!

Guess how well that went over even though it's the truth?!!! She told him I was a bitch and gave him more vodka! Grant it, she didn't shove a shot gun in his face and tell him to drink up but they are both alcoholics... oh hell, they are ALL alcoholics and here I am trying to take her drinking buddy off her because he's gonna kill himself on his bike because he likes to ride buzzed. His buzzed is flat out drunk!

You will lose that game. I did. Please, step away from the alcoholic and by all means... keep your hands in the cart while the ride spins out of control!

If you don't know what to do, I'll tell you just like a few others just did. Get out of her way!

Florence

If they don't think there's a problem, there's not much you can do to convince them. My STBXAH is fifteen-plus years into his addiction and is today in his fifth (!) inpatient rehab and they're only kind of convinced that he might have a problem. Seriously.

Recovering2

You're 25, and you've already spent 2 years of your young life trying to save someone who won't save herself. You have already seen the patterns, so you know what is ahead for this relationship. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, so it will get worse over time. There is, sadly, nothing you can do to make her come out of her denial. And I fear sending her A mother messages will only add fuel to the fire.

Start using your energy to take care of YOU. Find an AlAnon group, get support for yourself. The best thing you can do for yourself is walk away from this relationship.

JimiH576

Thank you all for the advice and perspectives. Its so crazy how we all have such a similar experience with these issues. I think I'd be a lot more willing to let go of this situation if I left like my AGF had at least SOME other support. I feel cruel letting her loose and saying "you've got to realize it on your own" when there is absolutely no hope of her realizing it on her own. The cards are stacked against her. I'm fairly certain that my choice to have a relationship with her was from a place of pity. We were friends in high school, and for some reason, her drunken rambling would always bother me, when mostly all the other drunk high school girls, I didn't care what they said. (not how I feel now obviously, just going back to that place lol). I realize now that it was because I knew even then, that her relationship with drinking was different from the norm. She wasn't just being a teenager socializing with it. She was there for the alcohol and the alcohol only. Gah its just so sad. I feel like I've done everything to avoid actually accepting that she's an alcoholic, because I don't like judging people like that ya know? I know that her mom has never shown her the love that she wants, and I know that her momma drinks daily, but I didn't grow up in their house, so I don't really know how it is. But it's like my Dad told me, she could be overdramatizing her past to keep the reason for the drink there. and had she not used drinking to cope, even though its the only thing she's been taught, she would have a better footing in dealing with her past. I am just thankful that it's only been two years, and that I have trusted my gut to not take the relationship further until this stuff was addressed. She would be satisfied with life if I married her today, she popped out some babies, and then emotionally torture them the way her mom did her. I'm not having that! I've pretty much accepted that I've done all that I could possibly do. I am just softhearted and I don't like seeing people struggle.

Thanks again for the support. As skeptical as I am about technology sometimes, it's moments like this that make me appreciate humanity and our inventions.