mmw11969

Hi,

I am new to this site, so bear with me. Been looking for a site for support.

Recently, my now ex-boyfriend was arrested for domestic violence, which involved throwing me into the wall of our apartment. I didn't call the cops, a neighbor did. He was taken into custody, jailed for 2 night and 3 days. Judge put a no-contact order. He can't speak to me, I can't speak to him. Finally came to the apt. Sat to remove his things. Since then, he has been staying with the same neighbor that called the cops. I don't know WHY she would allow him to stay there, but I was told by the cop, that he has "no place to go". Was told he would be leaving the area today, however, he is still downstairs. We both have to attend court for the hearing. One of my daughters overheard him tell the cop outside that he had pleaded guilty, so that's what he says. IDK.

My exbf was drinking very heavily the night of the attack. We had been hanging a bit earlier in the evening and something was said that upsetted me, and I told him he needed to leave, get his things and leave. I was finally tired of the way he had been treating me, how his alcoholism has affected me. We've known each other 5 years, friends for 4, a couple for a year.

Just when I thought perhaps maybe this would have been his "rock bottom" sceanario, yesterday, my daughter saw him outside, with the neighbor, having a BEER! I'm thinking....UNBELIEVABLE. After literally smashing my face into the wall, you would think he would stop and think and realized that his drinking has gotten out of control.

I'm heartbroken because the alcoholism has taken over our relationship where violence has played a role also in it. How am I going to be able to heal from this? Since we can't communicate, I can't say what I want to say, let him know just how angry and hurt I am that everything is gone.

I'm angry and hurt and heart-broken that the man I loved, would hurt me this way.

LadyinBC

Hi MMW. You will find lots of support on this forum. You could write a letter and let it all out and then burn it.

I'm sorry you are going thru this.

DreamsofSerenity

I'm pretty new here too, so I don't have any answers for you. I am also wondering how they can hurt the way they do. I don't think just being an alcoholic explains it because there are some alcoholics who never get abusive. Then there are those that unleash fury and pain as if demons were living in them.

I think it's a very good thing the court ordered no contact between you too; nothing you'd say to him would matter anyway if he's still drinking. He's probably drinking to forget smashing your face into the wall.

As for the neighbor letting him stay there, that is a big WTF? That doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever.

Please protect yourself and your daughter.

Hugs

LexieCat

When you go to court, inform the judge that he is living downstairs from you, and that it makes you afraid. He's still drinking, and he's a violent drunk. What's to stop him getting angry while he's living downstairs and trying to barge his way into your apartment?

He should NOT be living downstairs from you. Do you have a restraining order/protection from abuse order? Or was there just a "no contact" condition on his bail? If you haven't applied for a restraining order, I strongly suggest that you do that. It's more permanent than a bail condition, and it can also prevent him from living in your immediate vicinity.

And I suggest you contact the prosecutor to find out what's going on with the criminal case. You should have been notified of any court dates.

The alcohol and abuse may be related, but the alcohol does not CAUSE abuse--it just lowers the inhibitions. I also suggest you reach out to your DV shelter or advocacy center, and talk to an advocate about getting some counseling and safety planning. Al-Anon can be a great help as well.

You CAN heal from this, but you must keep yourself safe in the meantime.

Hugs,

mmw11969

Thank you LadyinBC.

When I am ready to deal with this on a deeper level, a letter will be the thing I need to do. I'm still in shock that this happened. Never thought it would with this man. My ex-husband was abusive as well, not as severe, but still abuse is abuse, regardless. I have pretty much dealt with those demons of that part of my life, and now, I have to go through it all over again.

mmw11969

Yeah the neighbor is a lady that has always gotten into other people's lives, has nothing better to do. She's a miserable one. I think she has always had some kind of feeling for my exbf, so I guess she felt sorry for him and he is still staying there as of right now. I've been avoiding any eye contact everytime I walk past their door or when they've been outside. The cop said that because he is a "guest", as long as he isn't verbally speaking to me, there is nothing they can do. I have 2 daughters, and they've told me what they see. Especially about seeing him drinking a BEER, after all this crap happening, he's drinking?!?!?! It just BLEW my mind.

wiscsober

I am sure you will...but please ensure you and your daughters' safety. Welcome to this site and forum I appreciate your post (and by posting seeking help you are also helping me and many others).

You can find a lot of help through local agencies.

This too shall pass.

mmw11969

He is only staying there as a "guest", according to the apt mgr today, he can only stay there 14 days. I'm really not afraid of him, it's not that. I just avoid any confrontation whatsoever, I don't even look his way.

I am contacting the court tomorrow to find out the court date. I have dealt with DV before, my ex-husband was abusive, wasn't an alcoholic. I have joined the local Al-anon, so that's been a big help to me also.

I know I will heal eventually, it's going to take me a long time to deal with this one. I'm just angry because it came to this point. I look at that hole in the wall everytime I walk into my living room and it's a constant reminder of what happened. Then I get angry, start crying, etc. I don't want the relationship back, I can't do it. As for the neighbor, I thought she was my friend, a 2nd mother to me sort of. Not only did she betray me as a friend, she's a liar also.

I am just trying to cope with this in the best way I know how. Having my girls with me has been a big help. My youngest lets me cry anytime I need her shoulder to cry on, even though she's 11 years old. Now I'm finding myself angry, more at myself because I wasn't strong enough to leave way before now.

I know alcohol doesn't cause abuse. But I feel the cold stares now when they are around outside, making it look like I'm the bad guy. She's the ONE that called the damn cops, not me! Then she has the NERVES to let him stay with her for the time being. It's UNREAL.

mmw11969

ty for the warm welcome

I just want to be left alone and this no contact order is helping me by not contacting him also. I'm confused on how I am really feeling. My daughter overheard him also say that the judge was going to probably dismiss the order. I'm not sure on that.

wicked

I think you should be afraid of him. He is drinking and he is violent and he is right under your feet. I would be very concerned. He doesn't need you to look his way to get violent, all he needs is alcohol to give himself the reason to be violent.

Please do not use your daughter as a shoulder to lean on. That is a HUGE responsibility for someone so young. My mother did the same thing to me. I thought it was my job to make her happy and keep her safe. It led to the worse kind of codependency.

Find someone at AlAnon or the domestic violence advocate to lean on during these very difficult times. You are the mother and you must show strength even when you do not feel it, so they know you can be counted on in a crisis.

If the apartment manager lets a known alcoholic violent man "guest" in his buildings, I wonder what kind of insurance he has to cover anything that happens from here on.
Two weeks is a long long time in alcoholic land. (I am in recovery myself). How long do you think it will take him to convince himself it was your fault he got mad? How long before he thinks you need to pay for your digressions? (just happening in his mind).

I know you are coping in the best way possible. How awful of that woman to ask him to stay with her after knowing what happened.
Please protect yourself and your girls. As you know, from hard experience abuse will escalate.

I am praying so hard for you right now. Get some good people around you. They are there, at AlAnon and the DV center.

Beth

mmw11969

I understand what you are saying, I have thought about that myself. I already know he probably thinks it's my fault. I'm trying to not to run into any confrontations. I will find out when the court date is for the hearing. As for the neighbor, I am avoiding her like the plague.

What I meant was regarding my daughter was that she saw me crying, and she was trying to give me a hug. I finally had the strength to tell my boss at work about what happened. When the ex lived here, he was always making sure she got safely home, as I work, but I've made arrangements to have her come with me to work when I go pick her up from after school. It's a risk of losing my job if I didn't have a boss that understood.

I have a hearing involving my ex-husband in July, when that is done, we are leaving this place and never returning. I'm already making plans for employment and etc.

As for the ex, you are right though. I know he probably already blames me for this. I got some numbers for counseling through my company's sources and of course the people at the al-anon know this situation.

Prayers are needed, thank you.

LexieCat

I wouldn't count on the 14-day "guest" limit, and while I'm not suggesting you should be trembling with fear, a little bit of HEALTHY fear of dangerous people and situations is a good defense mechanism.

I hope you will at least contact a DV counselor and discuss your situation with a focus on safety planning. I'm so sorry you are going through this yet again.

theuncertainty

Hi and welcome, mmw11969. I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but am glad you're reaching out for support.

You state this a couple times in a single post:

I worried quite a bit about being blamed by AXH for the repercussions related to his abusive behavior (supervised visits with our DS being the main one). Even while I would say and understand that AXH's behavior wasn't my fault, that worry was there. Please know that you are in no way to blame for his behavior. He's the one who decided to slam you into the wall. Your telling him to get his stuff and leave was not an invitation to hurt you. His drinking most certainly was not a reason it occurred. People argue and one can be told to get out, without either party resorting to physical violence - even if there is alcohol involved. The option to walk away or out the door (to cool off or move out...) is always there.

Did AXH blame me for the consequences? Yes. Did he blame me for the what "made" him do it? Yes. It was so much easier than accepting that blame himself. Still, his justifications don't make it true: nothing I did could "make" him do it.

Sending you hugs and wishing you continued strength.

mmw11969

There is a local DV shelter that I am going to go talk to a counselor.

mmw11969

I know it's not my fault. I simply asked him to leave to go cool off before something bad happens, I even begged him to leave, get his things and leave. He failed to honor that. With the mix of alcohol and anger, 2 deadly combos, I got hurt. I don't think he cares though because he was drinking a BEER the day after he came (with the cop) to get his things. The very next day, was seen drinking a beer. So what does that tell me? That he has NO remorse whatsoever, period. Doesn't give a rat's ass, period.

theuncertainty

Yeah, AXH didn't give a rats a-- that he'd hurt me the way he did either. I completely understand the feeling of non-belief. I mean good god, I feel so bad when I accidentally step on some one's toes, why can't he feel some remorse for the horrendous acts he commited? Or at least enough remorse to say sorry without in the same breath saying if [I]'d only ____, he wouldn't have had to ___ and / or refrain from drinking? It comes down to:
1. he's abusive
2. he doesn't want to admit that he did anything wrong, because he is not wrong [in his twisted thinking] and
3. (for the drinking part and ONLY the drinking part) he's an alcoholic who is not ready to admit he has a problem

My feeling of unbelief in his callousness and inability to not drink was tied to my expectations that he'd behave as a non-abusive non-alcoholic should.

mmw11969

Update:

He is to appear this afternoon in front of a judge to determine what the next step is, which he pleaded guilty I was told by the court clerk. The local DV advocate is to be there, waiting on a call from her so I can speak with her directly, without having to show up. I am NOT required to show up, since he pleaded guilty, there is no "trial/hearing".....

I came home a while ago and he was outside speaking to the maintenance man and I overheard words like counseling, blah blah blah.....I kept on walking with my head held high and I didn't shed a tear. I hope the judge does imply counseling, and I hope he takes it very serious. He needs to do it for HIMSELF, not for me, my daughters or anyone else. I really hope he can get the help he needs before he continues to self destruct himself.

As far as the relationship is concerned, it is over. I can't go thru this again, so I rather be alone, focus on myself and my daughters.

If he is required counseling, he needs to do it for HIMSELF...not me or my daughters.

I was actually disgusted when he was standing right there with the maintenance man, and I'm thinking.......keep on going, keep your head high and keep a positive attitude. I've not shed a tear since I've been home in the last 30 minutes. I'm more disgusted than anything else right now.

If he was to come and apologize which he has before, I am not going to believe anything he says. Best thing for him to do is just let me be and go take care of himself, without depending on me to "fix" him. I'm trying to fix myself first and be the best mom I can be to my daughters.

BlueSkies1

You're doing absolutely great!
Can you get away from them? Stay with a friend on the weekend? If not, surround yourself with friends, family, those who will make you happy? Have a support system come over, or a good friend stay with you?
You could use a PPO or whatever it takes to keep him distance from you. He's upsetting your serenity in a way you have so little control over, a PPO might change that.

theuncertainty

mmw11969

I don't have family here, they are in another state. I'm planning to go back to my homestate in the summer, have a hearing in court involving my ex-husband, custody issues.

Actually I think he's leaving once this court is over with. I know my options because I had to do a P.O. with my ex-husband. I may be moving very soon also, to another place in town. I put dark curtains over my windows so I can surround myself in my own home, serenity and time to myself. I'm not going out of my way to intentionally run into him, what is done, is done. There is no going back this time. I rather be alone, focus more on myself, get some counseling in for myself also, and focus alot on my daughters. I don't need a man in my life to make me happy, I'm going to find my own happiness. ME!