iamthird

I am sitting here in my last full week of treatment. Can you guys believe its already been 8 weeks? Time flies. So much has happened in this series of treatments. Ive stopped working, went on disability, I am not doing well physically...at times I cannot even care for children. I posted last week about separated AH buying a new car (not anything economical either) and that was only one of many blows he has delivered to me over these past 8 weeks. He had moments of kindness here and there like dropping off cooked dinner or going to store for me but it never lasts!

Its so hard to get to a meeting when you dont drive. Most days I dont even have a voice because radiation has killed my throat. I dont think anyone will ever understand what i have to endure alone with minimal help. Those times when Im getting sick and my 14 year old son is running around trying to help mom as best as he can I get so resentful and think about who isnt there, separated AH.

I keep wondering when is he ever going to pay for abandoning me and our family. Then I realize how crazy I am driving myself. I need someone who is already on the other side of this to tell me I am not crazy. I need someone to tell me although weve been separated for just under a year, i shouldnt be "over it" as separated AH says I should be. Tell me one day I will not wake up so angry with so much resentment in my heart. I accept that He may never face reality or get sober and thats his journey to deal with, not mine. If he never finds recovery, I will never get the amends I desire, have to accept that. I know where I need to be, I just need to get there!

I want to be happy. I dont want to feel this way anymore. Its mental. Im too sad and tired of being the sad story.

Dublin

New to this so no words of wisdom I'm afraid but have read some of your other posts and you are clearly a brilliant person to be getting through all this with added stress of separation. I have a family member and friends who have gone through treatment without the added battle you have and I admire you for your strength, although you sound fed up you sound strong and you must be such a role model for your children.

Fancy new cars are two a penny, knowing you did the right thing for you and your family knowing you are strong and met the challenges sent to you - that is priceless! Every best wish for your last week of treatment. My family member gets word this week on his treatment and if there will be more treatment required but he like you is strong and makes me humble by his outlook.

Be kind to yourself. Rest.

fedup3

iamthird, I can't say I'm totally over the other side of this but I'm closer today than when I began. I just finished my second bout of cancer without him this time and all I know I had peace and did not have to deal with the toxic, crazy madness of being with someone with alcoholism at the same time! You will come through this, even stronger. My prayers are with you.

MsPINKAcres

Just the fact that you are open to the possiblity of knowing that one day you won't feel those emotions toward him is wonderful progress ~
for a while I wanted to hold on to that resentment, anger, hate and thoughts of revenge ~

it took time to process the emotions, pain and grief - but then like you I wanted peace

and peace came - not over night, but slowly and surely -

and now often people will ask about my ex- I will just say that's old business, my old life and it's behind me now - I'd rather not even talk about it.

and the peace is truly there ~

continued prayers for you and your precious children ~

pink hugs

LifeRecovery

My loved one that got me here had an affair.

I have regularly seen data that it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair. At least in my case that is turning out to be true for both the affair and the disease of addiction (which in actuality has been harder for me to heal from). For some reason this time frame gave me permission to take all the time I needed (because it is "normal" I suspect)

In addition studies show very strongly that once the physical course for cancer treatment is over it is often mentally and emotionally challenges that come up for people (they have shown this repeatedly). I don't have a time frame for this, but I was only dealing with two out of three and I want to normalize your experience for you.

Rosiepetal

You will get through this.
You will one day have no anger.
You are going through a process & a difficult one.
Ride the wave, there are calmer shores awaiting.
Try to focus on yourself & not on him.
Peace & lots of well vibes to you.

iamthird

Help me all!! Why do I still hope in my mind he comes around and does the right thing? I am as delusional as he is! Lol!

DreamsofSerenity

You are surely just worn out, both physically and mentally. And it's so hard to get your head into a good space when you are exhausted. Try for your own sake to let go of the anger you have for him, not because he deserves to be forgiven but because you deserve to heal in peace. My thoughts are with you.

dancingnow

Hugs and prayers for you iamthird. You are doing the right thing, taking care of yourself and that is all that matters.

It may seem that it is so unfair for how things turned out for you and with your AH but God is there for you.

I couldn't even imagine dealing with all that you are dealing with on top of interaction with an active A.

Take good care of yourself and if you truly can't shut the thoughts in your brain, try meditating. It takes a while of practice to rewire how our brains work but it truly does bring some peace.