Dolphinaj25

Hello everyone,

I am new to this forum and I am in need of advice and support. My fiance recently entered rehab for opiate abuse. We have been together almost six years and have been engaged for three. I have been finishing up graduate school so we were waiting to get married until I finished school and we had saved up some money. Unfortunately, over the last year, he got wrapped up in a pretty severe opiate addiction that eventually led into heroin abuse. I told him that he needed to enter rehab or I could not continue in the relationship. He did choose to enter rehab about 12 days ago. The program does not allow any communication the first 30 days. I am having a hard time with that because I find myself obsessing about if he is doing OK and if he is getting better. I can call and talk to the councelors about how he is doing but I worry that they are not being honest with me about his condition. I realize that I am being overly paranoid but I can't help missing him and wanting to talk to him. I wish that I was at least allowed to write him a letter to show my support for his recovery. After the first 30 days are over, I can visit and participate in family counceling sessions.

My family has been less than supportive and they have been trying to convince me to move on. I can't do that because I love him and I can't really image life without him. I know that he has to actively participate in treatment and that he has want to get better. I have set boundaries and I have let him know that he needs to finish the 90 day treatment. Even after the treatment is over I know that he will need to go to meetings everyday to make it work. I also plan to start attending Nar-non and/or Al-anon meeting ASAP as I know that I have my own issues to address and my own recovery.

I understand my family and friends being concerned and I do know that I need to be careful and set clear boundaries. I just feel very isolated and I feel like no one remembers the person that I feel in love with (except for me, of course). How do I work through feeling so isolated and alone? And how do I get through the next 30 days without even a phone call with the person that I spoke with everyday of the last 6 years of my life.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

help4hubby

Hi there! I'm pretty new to this site as well and just recently discovered how many different forums were on here. I feel like an idiot now for not realizing this sooner! Although our circumstances are slightly different I can completely relate to how you are feeling! I feel so alone in my situation as well. I've been married for a year. I knew going into the relationship that he was an addict. He has been through treatment in the past before we dated but he has recently relapsed. I feel like I'm not getting a lot of support and I'm so unsure about what to do. My mom wants me to leave my husband and she's made it very clear to me how stressful my husband's relapse has been for HER. I feel like everyone wants me to give up on him. I've been checking up on him a lot (going throug his phone & email) and its got me thinking can I do this forever? But how can I give up now? He's made appts with a counselor and an addiction specialist. I'll quit rambling for now but know that I understand how you're feeling. I'm here if you'd ever care to talk more or trade stories.

Dolphinaj25

Hey there! Thank you so much for replying. Our situations are quite similar and my mom has been the least supportive about me supporting my partner through his recovery. I just can't help feeling angry and resentful towards her for being so cruel and judgemental towards the person that I love. Before my fiance went into treatment, I did find myself also reading through his text messages and emails. He would do the same to me and it was kind of a viscious cycle that was not healthy for either of us. At one point he started accussing me of cheating on him (which I wasn't of course). But the accussation was very hurtful. I too felt like he was cheating (not with another woman, but with the drug). I never thought I would become jealous of a chemical substance. I think I was more hurt by the lies and deceit. I just hope that the man that I fell in love with is still in there and after working through his treatment he will again be my best friend again. I am always here if you ever want to talk.

allforcnm

Hi – and Welcome to SR. My husband went to a 90 day rehab. We were able to have contact, but his rehab was out of state, and even with phone calls, the separation left a lot to the imagination. But, I think you have to trust that he is in a good place, and under the care of professionals who are dedicated to helping him work through this. Talking to his counselors is good I think. I talked to my husbands also; he signed the privacy waiver and all that. The more I talked to them, it gave me confidence in the program.

Also, its good that after 30 days they offer family support. My husband rehab provided me with a counselor, and she was a great help. She helped me in all aspects, but was primarily focused on helping me work through damage addiction had done to me, and the relationship. I always suggest you consider private therapy where you can talk it all out !

My parents were also against the relationship continuing, and primarily it was because they were afraid for me, and our son. Many variables involved in recovery. But they came around once they saw my husband was dedicated to his recovery, and he wanted to be back in our lives in a healthy way. The person who took the longest to come around in his case – was his own mother. Took her months and months after rehab. But, now they have restored their relationship also. Don’t forget however, boundaries are meant to be used on non addicts also. If they are causing you too much stress, then see if you can discuss your feelings, reach some understanding, and then if all else fails.. a boundary might be necessary.

To get through the 30 days, I would suggest allowing yourself to come to a state of rest to begin with. Usually we are stressed out by the time they get into rehab, so take extra good care of yourself, and try to begin doing things that make you happy. Also finding a source of support where you can talk and share is great. Things like journaling are also helpful to work through your feelings. If it would make you feel better, you might also put together a personal gift for your boyfriend, to share when you see him. A photo album with captions, inspirational quotes, expressing your feelings while he is away. The time will go by faster than you think no doubt.

Dolphinaj25

Thank you so much for replying. Your advice and encouraging words give me hope that he can recover and we can be happy together again. Making a scrap book is a great idea and will make a great gift for him on day 31 when I can finally visit him. A personal journal is also a great idea and I have seriously considered therapy sessions for myself. I just need to check with my health insurance to see if it would be covered. I hope that my parents will come around when they see him working for recovery. His parents have been supportive of him and of me. We are all working to be on the same page to help with his recovery. He actually signed the consent form for me to call and check on him but he did not add his parents to the list. So I have kind of been put in the awkward position of what to tell them and what not to tell them about the details because I don't want to invade his right to privacy during his recovery.

help4hubby

I can totally relate to how you're feeling with the lying. It is such a betrayal and I took it soo hard. I told my husband before we were married that if he ever slipped up and relapsed that he didn't need to be scared to come to me and that I would stay calm and not get angry. It was so important to me that he know that he could come to me and that I would help him rather than react. So when I found out that he had been lying for 2 months I was angry and hurt. The added stress of having my mom react negatively only made it worse. I knew I couldn't let my dad know bc he would explode! I went to my in-laws and fortunately they were very supportive but I still worry that if I decided to leave, they would change their tune. This is so stressful that's why I sought support online. I really feel for you, it must be hard not being able to talk with your fiance. Do you have any friends who are supportive?

Dolphinaj25

I do thankfully have friends that I can talk to and I've been considering finding a personal therapist. My fiances parents have also been supportive. After the initial 30 days, the rehab center also has family support groups so hopefully that will help us both work through the hurt and begin to trust each other again. I do love him so much and I really want this to work and for him to be healthy and happy again. I just miss the man I feel in love with and desperately want him back.

allforcnm

DolphinaJ25 - that is awkward having to relay the info. I didnt have that problem because my husbands parents didnt want any part of it, not at first. They caused me a lot of stress because I was angry and felt they were not supportive. It all worked out though, just try to take it slow and pace yourself !

Help4Hubby - I think you have a good attitude with being supportive. They lying... I think always happens because it is wrapped up in the guilt and shame of using. Its also protective, to avoid acknowleding the truth, and being resistant to making a change. My husband has had a hard time getting past those issues during his recovery. It had a very bad effect on his self esteem.

Dolphinaj25

I now realize so many mistakes that I made and I wish I would have done more research early on in his addiction. I just hope that he knows how much I love him and that I want nothing more than for him to be happy and healthy again so that we can have a wonderful life together. I too want him to feel like he can always come to me for support, even if he relapses. I just want him to know that I will be here to support him each step of the way. If I could just write him a letter I think I would feel a little better. I guess I could write it now and just wait to mail it until it is closer to the 30 day no-communication period being over. Is it typical of rehabs to allow no communication for 30 days? I understand that he needs to focus solely on his recovery but it just seems so long without even a phone call or a letter from a loved one. It just seems like he would feel very alone and isolated. I know I need to trust the professionals and the process.

allforcnm

Rehabs are all different. A lot of them limit contact initially so the patient can focus on their issues and not have any worries, stress related to external sources. My husbands rehab only had restrictions the first week. After that they encouraged structured interaction, and we even had marriage counseling as part of the recovery process through the rehab. (I even relocated for about 6 weeks to participate as they suggested). But from what I hear on this forum, a lot of the rehabs are more restricitve, and of course they should always ask what level of participation you feel comfortable with. Sometimes there are many issues, and family needs to work on themselves before reuiniting with their loved one, otherwise it would be an unhealthy situation for all. I think trusting in the process of the rehab he has picked is all you can really do.

I think writing out your feelings is a good idea. You can always decide later if you want to send them or not.

help4hubby

Dolphinaj25 I feel so bad for you :-( I imagine it's so hard to be apart with no communication. I'm really not sure if that's typical or not but I can ask my husband about it tomorrow. He's been to rehab 3 times before so I'm sure he would know. I feel the same way, I wish that I would have done some research about his addiction. I really didn't understand everything that came with loving an addict and I wasn't prepared for a relapse. I miss the person he used to be, it's definitely taken a toll on all of us. I know that counseling would help me but right now I'm between jobs and without health insurance. To be honest I've been putting off going back to work I'm kind of afraid to leave him even though me not working isn't helping. I just don't know how I will be able to focus on work when I know I will be worrying about him.

LoveMeNow

Hi Dolphin, welcome to SR but as always I am sorry for what brings you here.

Well, I am not trying to be a "Debbie Downer" but more someone who has worked hard to live in the truth and reality of addiction.

There are many things to think about when building a future with an addict because relapses are very common. Besides the emotional pain and insanity it can cause, there are other things to consider.

Buying a house. I would suggest you buy one that you can afford with your income only and not be dependent on his income. Having children. I would examine my feelings about being a single mother. Money/finances. I would not have any joint accounts or credit cards, etc. Keep money, accounts and debts separate.

IMO, you will need to protect yourself financially and emotionally more then the average person because there is no cure for addiction. It will always be there, waiting!

I can certainly understand your families concern. Sadly, it just the honest reality of addiction.

Lastly, before I take any advice over the Internet, I go back and read the original posts for consistency and truth. You are really in a vulnerable place and so be careful. I would highly recommend getting a therapist knowledgable about addiction. Cynical One also has great blog with excellent information to read.

You and your fiancé are in my prayers.

peacedove

Thank you, LMN, for your above points. All of them are spot on. I did not come out of this without loss BUT there were so many, many times along the way(when I did not even know he was an addict)when I could have made the serious mistakes of making him a loan, becoming his business partner on a new venture, purchasing a home, down payment money for a home...the list goes on and on because there were so many different situations that would present themselves and we were what I thought was a "functioning couple, marriage in the future and both committed to our success." Ummmmmmm, no. I am here now. I know now. Whew it could have been worse is right. For those who do know and are actively in a relationship? Your advice and opinion is priceless. Read it, take it, follow it and know this--it is correct and the most valuable thing you could ever know.

Kindeyes

Those first 30 days of no contact are critical to the success of his recovery. If you look at it that way instead of being consumed by how much you miss him, it might help.

The emotional state of an addict in very early recovery is fragile. The last thing they need is for us (their loved ones) to dump our emotional baggage on them. And that baggage can be in the form of hope, love, and everything we think of as important and positive. To the addict, it's additional emotional weight that they just can't handle initially. Thankfully, the professionals understand this.

So.....what can you do during this 30 day blackout period? Exactly what you are doing. Reach out to others who can handle your emotional baggage. Reach out to others who have been there....done that. Get yourself in an emotionally stable place however you need to do it...meetings, private counseling, reading, etc. Let go......trust the process.

I've been through the 30 black out. It is hard....no doubt about it. But if you take this time to focus on yourself, you'll be doing him more good than anything else you could possibly do for him right now.

Welcome to SR.....there's lots of support here. And there are a lot of people who have been dealing with addiction for a very long time.....including some who are addicts in recovery themselves. They are great resources.

gentle hugs
ke

Kindeyes

This is an example of projecting how you are feeling onto him. You feel very alone and isolated. He's not alone. He's not isolated. He's surrounded by people who intimately understand him, his disease, and his experience. He's being kept VERY busy.

There is no doubt he knows you love him. He may not feel deserving of that love right now.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

atalose

Welcome,

Also not wanting to be a “Debbie Downer” just real. Often it’s so hard to hear and understand the reality of addiction because we are so focused on getting them better wanting them better so OUR lives can be back to “normal” and we don’t have to deal with the upheaval of emotions we are experiencing.

Rehab is not a solution for addiction; it’s merely one tool – one chance – one opportunity for the addict to use while choosing the road of recovery. It’s like opening a door but he has to want with all his heart and soul to walk through it and stay on that other side.

You gave him an ultimatum and he made a choice, now it’s time to sit back and see “what more may be revealed”. And in the mean time work on YOU and learn as much as you can about addiction- which is a life long disease and a life long battle for the addict.

I also can’t blame your family for looking out for your best interest. The fact you now resent them for not feeling about it as you do speaks volumes on why you need to work on you. Don’t let that resentment towards the people who love you make you distance yourself from them.

You are going to have an internal/ external battle going on in yourself and with family and friends who love you……that battle is FANTASY VS REALITY…..DENIAL VS THE TRUTH.

That REALITY and TRUTH can be b*tches and ones we often don’t want to hear, see, feel or look at and especially ACCEPT.

interrupted

I don't think OP has been around for a while, but this is still great advice for anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation. It's very easy to completely ignore the reality that is right in front of us in favor of our gilded perception.

I did that for a long time. I think most of us have at some point or another.

atalose

It's always good when older posts come back around. And it's why we keep posting on them, same scenerios different day!!!

Hugs