justme11

So, here is my story. He is 60 and I am 45. We met 3 years ago in his country. We were casual friends for the first year and a half and only started a relationship the summer of '11. When we first started dating, his mom had just died after a prolonged battle with cancer and he started drinking again. Recently his daughter said he had been sober for 19 years but losing his mom was the catalyst for him to start drinking again. I didn't realize at first that he had a problem with alcohol. We both drank when we went out, seemed pretty normal at the time, a couple or 3 or 4 beers during the evening. Then in December '11 I moved in with him and realized he was drinking was almost every day. He was NEVER violent or physically abusive in any way, just a sloppy drunk sometimes.

After living with him about 6 months, one night he doesn't come home and he doesn't call me. I call his cell phone a dozen times and am really worried as this is completely out of character. At 1am I hear the garage door opening and I jump up... Trying to get his car in he rams it into the side and when he gets out to see what the damage is his car is he stumbles about a bit then trips and falls down. He just lays there. I go out and try to get him to come in and he just mumbles that he wants to sleep. so being quite furious, I just leave him there. The next morning, I tell him I can't take it anymore and I am leaving. He tries to talk me into staying but I tell him I want to give him a chance to figure out what he wants and I will come back in a month. He calls me every day and during the time I am gone I can feel that almost every night he is talking clear and is not drinking. I return. After a couple of months together, during which time he does not drink, he goes out to help his brother one evening with something and comes home drunk.... I tell him I can't do this anymore and I leave and return to the USA. He still calls me almost every day, but I tell him I am not returning to his country again. ​In January, after almost 6 months apart, he says he is ready to stop drinking forever and he comes here to stay with me. We have 3 wonderful completely alcohol free months together. He is a kind and generous man and we have a great deal of fun together and I simply love being with him when he is sober. We are so happy together during this time, I mean it could not have been any more perfect. When he needed to return we talked at length and decided that we want to be together. We decide that he will sell his business, home and cars and this will give him sufficient income to comfortably retire. I don't like living in his country so he will move here to the USA to be with me permanently. He has a 10 year Multi Entry business visa so can come and go from the USA as he pleases​ and he has an adult US Citizen daughter from his first marriage who could ​petition for​ him an immediate residency here so him staying in the USA is not an issue.

Anyway, I know this is going to be a stressful time for him, selling his business, home, cars and basically leaving his extended family behind, and I hope he can go back home and not drink. However, the very first weekend there, he doesn't call me on Saturday evening and when I finally reach him at noon the next day it is obvious he is hung over. After a few minutes talking he finally​ admits to it. I am upset, but decide to just let it go, write it off as stress. We talk every night for the past 3 weeks and he is fine. Then, last night, he calls me and again, he is obviously slurring and drunk. I don't talk long as I am upset and and this morning, he doesn't even remember talking to me.

He is actually in the process of negotiating the sale of his business right now and it should be completed in less than 2 weeks. His house is with a realtor. The cars can be sold easily at the last minute. He is scheduled to come back here in 5 more weeks.

I am at a crossroads, I need to make a decision fast, things are moving forward and if I am going to end it, I should do so sooner rather than later. I KNOW we can be happy together if he can remain sober, but will he be able to leave the temptations of drinking behind? He was sober for 19 years so I know he can do it.. but will he? I can NOT live with a drunk. I just can not.

tromboneliness

"I KNOW we can be happy together if he can remain sober, but will he be able to leave the temptations of drinking behind?"

This is the definition of codependency! What you're describing is a prescription for a lifetime of... all the stuff you hear at Al-Anon meetings. (You do go to Al-Anon, yes? If not, tonight might be a good time to start.)

Happiness is an inside job.

Good luck,

T

justme11

I am not exactly sure what al anon is? Neither of my parents drank at all and I and most of my friends are either non-drinkers or a very light social drinker and I have never been romantically involved with an alcoholic before. I really don't know what to expect as far as alcoholism goes, just mainly what I see on TV which may or may not be how things really work out. I found this forum during the night when researching alcoholism. I am hoping people who have lived with it before can advise me. Thanks

Pelican

I believe that your AH (alcoholic husband) has shown you who he is: an actively drinking alcoholic. This is who he is today. This is who he plans to be. Moving, selling businesses, death of loved ones are all excuses to justify drinking. Millions of people face those situations everyday around the world, but only alcoholics choose to cope by getting drunk.

I hope you will stick around and do some reading on this forum. Some of our stories of living with alcoholics are listed at the top of this main page. There is also information in those links about alcoholism, about codependency and about Alanon. I will try to post a few of the links for you:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...self-test.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-meetings.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html

DreamsofSerenity

Hi justme, it sounds like you are in a really difficult situation. The problem is you have no way of knowing or controlling whether he will quit drinking or not. You said you can not live with someone who is drinking. That's an important statement because you are entering into a very serious commitment with a man who is NOT sober. So right there you have wagered your happiness against something only he holds the cards to.

Others on here know more about alcoholism than I do and will be along to offer more advice about what you can expect his chances of recovery to be. It does seem positive that he had 19 years sobriety-- that's a long time--but I don't know enough about the disease to really say. I do know about having one's life and happiness revolve around someone else's drinking though, and that is certainly NOT a way I'd ever choose to live again.

I hope you find some clarity.

justme11

I wish I understood more about the alcoholic and what the chances are that he can stop drinking forever. I hate for him to sell everything then after coming here start drinking again. I will NOT stay with him if he does and I will not feel (much) guilt for sending him on his way if he does as I have been very clear that I am not willing to live with his drinking. That will be his choice.

I have been reading the forum for several hours and it seems to be such a horrible and sad disease, both for the alcoholic and everyone around them.

If I could see into the future, and know he would stop drinking forever I know for certain we would be so happy together, the time we spent together recently was wonderful and I hate to give up on him so easily, but unfortunately I don't have a crystal ball and perhaps today is the day I tell him that he has used up all his chances and end it once and for all. I am very conflicted.

thislonelygirl

justme11
alanon is a support group that have meetings where people who are involved with an alcoholic come together and better themselves and gain support from others.
you learn alot. you can search online to find a metting near you

dandylion

Dear justme11, how about asking him to demonstrate one full year of sobriety---and then reevaluate the situation?

sincerely, dandylion

tromboneliness

That's the thing; you're making your own happiness dependent upon someone else's behavior. What happens (or what happened to me, when I was there) is that life begins to revolve around trying to do things that we think/hope will "make him happy, so he won't need to drink." Unfortunately, an alcoholic will drink no matter how perfect/accommodating/supportive/helpful/great we are. They don't get drunk because "we made them" do it -- that's just a hogwash excuse. They drink because they are compelled to do it. And when we hitch our emotional wagon to their behavior -- we'll be happy if, and only if, they stay sober -- that's bad news.

The short version of my story is that my wife used to drink a lot -- I'd say a fifth of vodka a day, or thereabouts. For a time, I thought I had some influence over that -- but eventually, I figured out that I didn't.

Al-Anon is a group for friends and relatives of alcoholics -- it's not about making them give up booze, though; it's about working on our own... issues of various kinds, so that we can get out of the crazy/unmanageable patterns that happen when our lives revolve around an alcoholic and their sick behavior. Eventually, the goal is to unhitch the wagon -- I can be happy (or unhappy, as the case may be, but not dependent on someone else) regardless of whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

The important takeaways would be that (a) if the alcoholic tries to tell you that he drinks because YOU drove him to drink, that is not true, and (b) the "I'd be happy if only..." pattern doesn't work very well, because we're putting our mental health in someone else's hands -- when there's a lot we can do about it on our own.

T

lillamy

One of my friends grew up in a very "proper" family. Her wedding was planned for over two years. Three weeks before the wedding, she walked into her father's study, closed the door, and said: "Dad. This is wrong. I can't do this."

Knowing her father, I know that took an incredible amount of chutzpah. This authoritarian and strict father just looked at his daughter with the greatest love in his eyes and said, "I love you and it's a lot better that you figure this out now than on the other side of the wedding."

I think going ahead with something just because you feel bad calling it off, even if you know it's wrong or are hesitant about it, is always dangerous.

When my AXH proposed to me, I said yes because I was afraid of how angry he would get if I said no. We were on a vacation together and I knew the rest of the trip would be unbearable if I said no or even hesitated in my yes.

That decision, made despite the fact that there were so many red flashing warning lights in my head that it was like a five-alarm fire, bought me a marriage where I spent my entire time trying to get him to stop drinking and turning myself into a doormat in order to not give him a reason to drink. (At that point, I still thought alcoholics needed a reason to drink; now I know they will turn anything into a excuse to drink.) to this day, he is stalking me and threatening me as he descends farther into the hell that is addiction.

It is heartbreaking that addiction can turn amazing, intelligent, fun, caring people into shells. Zombies, really. Addiction eats brains. As the person who is not the addict, you have a voice in whether you will allow the zombie of another's choice to eat your brain.

AnvilheadII

I hate for him to sell everything then after coming here start drinking again.

he's drinking NOW. he MAY have had long term sobriety at one time....but he chose to resume drinking, using the death of his mother as an excuse. even tho one may abstain from alcohol for a long time, the addiction actually continues and when the alcoholic picks up a drink again, the addiction comes back full force. and recovery gets harder to achieve. his age is also a factor.

I won't tell you what you should do....but this is YOUR life. in 10 years you'll have a 70 yr old on your hands. in 5 weeks you may very well have an active alcoholic on your hands.

LexieCat

I'm with dandelion. A full year of SOLID sobriety before I would even consider sharing a home with him.

Yes, he was sober before, but did he have a recovery program, such as AA? Alcoholism never, ever goes away. The best you can do is to arrest it, and the best way to ensure long-term sobriety is to work a recovery program that will enable you to cope with things like death in the family, work-related stress, all the stressful things that can happen. I know people who have stayed sober through the tragic deaths of children.

I'm four and a half years sober in AA, and it changed my life. I also have been in two marriages to alcoholics--one of whom is still sober after 33 years, and the other who went back to drinking himself to death. Al-Anon was a life-saver when I was dealing with active alcoholism in my relationships.

Betting on his staying sober if he moves here sounds like a pretty bad wager. He is in full relapse mode right now. The odds aren't good, IMO, unless he gets into a recovery program and really works it.

BoxinRotz

My AH touted 20 years of sobriety! Guess what? He's a drunk! He'll always be an alcoholic! He will chose when, where, n for what reason . This is not your game! It's theirs!!!

When I realized that, everything became clear. I cannot control this, I did not cause this n I cannot cure it. Only he can do that. This is a disease that eats away a family because everyone suffers the ramifications of said drinker in one way or another be it job, dui, sickness whatever. The cure lies within to stop the train to personal destruction. The family is only there to watch. It is freightful, yes but you have to learn to separate yourself from that to be able to deal n cope. It's very difficult if you ask me.

My AH is a wonderful man 20 years my senior. I could say everything good about him until he fires up his caboose n takes a ride through hell. I cannot stop it but I can leave n he knows it. We all suffer. We all have to figure out what is acceptable and what is not and that is what you need to do. If you cannot accept him for who he is today then you need to make your move n stick to it!