Messed up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Wales, UK
Posts: 70
Messed up
I don't really know where to begin other than by saying that I've screwed up again. I had a phone call about four days ago from a friend in my relapse prevention group who'd fallen off the wagon. I drove straight there and the state she was in shocked me. I tried talking, pleading but she was in no fit state to listen.
How did I handle it? I left her and went straight to buy a drink - I didn't realise how vulnerable I am and how weak I really am. This is now day four and I've reduced drastically today but I feel like my world has ended. Am I destined to die an alcoholic? I hate it - I hate what it's done to me and hate who I am when I drink. I don't know if I have the strength to fight this anymore.
How did I handle it? I left her and went straight to buy a drink - I didn't realise how vulnerable I am and how weak I really am. This is now day four and I've reduced drastically today but I feel like my world has ended. Am I destined to die an alcoholic? I hate it - I hate what it's done to me and hate who I am when I drink. I don't know if I have the strength to fight this anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
TM75,
We are ALL vulnerable. Ironically, you just told a piece of my "story". I had finished a wearisome day of getting a relapser into a halfway house, it was about 5PM and what did I do? I decided I deserved a drink for all that I had done that day.
That ONE drink led me into pure hell for months, culminating in a rehab.
Go figure. Just know that we must be ever vigilant on a daily basis. It is so easy to get complacent.
You DO have the strength and you must get back on the wagon. What is the alternative: drink yourself to death? Kill yourself? Drive drunk like I did (Fortunately I only acquired a lot of decorations on my license and did not injure anyone.) I plan to thank those arresting officers one of these days.
Get sober again, and we will do this journey together along with all the support here at SR.
We are ALL vulnerable. Ironically, you just told a piece of my "story". I had finished a wearisome day of getting a relapser into a halfway house, it was about 5PM and what did I do? I decided I deserved a drink for all that I had done that day.
That ONE drink led me into pure hell for months, culminating in a rehab.
Go figure. Just know that we must be ever vigilant on a daily basis. It is so easy to get complacent.
You DO have the strength and you must get back on the wagon. What is the alternative: drink yourself to death? Kill yourself? Drive drunk like I did (Fortunately I only acquired a lot of decorations on my license and did not injure anyone.) I plan to thank those arresting officers one of these days.
Get sober again, and we will do this journey together along with all the support here at SR.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: London, UK
Posts: 148
I am very sorry to hear about what you are going through. I drank yesterday after 17 days sober. I don't feel I have a lot of wisdom to share, but just to let you know I am here to listen and support. There are so many good people on here, with a lot of helpful advice. I've had so many nice responses today. A big hug to you. One day at a time. Don't be hard on yourself, be kind.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Learn what you can from it , dust yourself off and get back on your sober bike , you were doing so well , just because you fell off there is no need to throw the sober bike away and not come on the sober journey with the rest of us ..
sobriety can be a life skill you have to learn much like riding a bike , falling off isn't fun and is best avoided , it happens even to the best of riders .. it's what you do when you fall off that counts ..
*ring ring*
Bestwishes, M
sobriety can be a life skill you have to learn much like riding a bike , falling off isn't fun and is best avoided , it happens even to the best of riders .. it's what you do when you fall off that counts ..
*ring ring*
Bestwishes, M
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by TM75 
How did I handle it? I left her and went straight to buy a drink - I didn't realise how vulnerable I am and how weak I really am.
This is now day four and I've reduced drastically today but I feel like my world has ended.
Am I destined to die an alcoholic?
I hate it - I hate what it's done to me and hate who I am when I drink.
I don't know if I have the strength to fight this anymore.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
An old expression in AA is that a successful 12 step call is one that you leave sober. How true. Hang on, no one said the road will always be smooth. Be good to yourself and do not pick up that first drink. BE WELL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Wales, UK
Posts: 70
Thank you everyone for your kind words. It's just the aftermath that's so hard to deal with. How could I be so daft as to think I could go to someone's rescue when I'm so early on in recovery. That is one very hard lesson learned!! Today has been the longest day in history but I guess tomorrow can only get better.
Thank you once again for your support
Thank you once again for your support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Wales, UK
Posts: 70
This is just an update on my previous post. I just had a phone call to tell me that the friend I tried to rescue on Thursday has died. She died yesterday and I'm so shocked and devastated. Could I have done more?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
How sad. And no, you couldn't have done more. All you can do now is keep yourself from the same end.
With my drastic relapse, I am sure that I was trying to numb the "pain" of my life, and had it not been for a few people who got me into the rehab, I would have died. While I was there we heard of two people who had been discharged a week ago and one had died of an overdose and another drank himself into such a state that he choked on his own vomit.
Sadly, this is increasingly the outcome for addicts.
With my drastic relapse, I am sure that I was trying to numb the "pain" of my life, and had it not been for a few people who got me into the rehab, I would have died. While I was there we heard of two people who had been discharged a week ago and one had died of an overdose and another drank himself into such a state that he choked on his own vomit.
Sadly, this is increasingly the outcome for addicts.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by TM75
This is just an update on my previous post. I just had a phone call to tell me that the friend I tried to rescue on Thursday has died. She died yesterday and I'm so shocked and devastated. Could I have done more?
Bob
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I'm very sorry for your loss TM.
I don't think for a second you should blame yourself...this was obviously the culmination of many years of drinking and abuse. You simply got involved in the last chapter.
You did one of the basic acts of kindness - you tried to help another human being. That's a great and noble thing.
To be the best guide tho, we need to learn those forest trails ourselves well first.
There's absolutely no sense in two hikers ending up lost.
There's always plenty of other guides to call on - there's no shame in waiting until you really know those woods
D
I don't think for a second you should blame yourself...this was obviously the culmination of many years of drinking and abuse. You simply got involved in the last chapter.
You did one of the basic acts of kindness - you tried to help another human being. That's a great and noble thing.
To be the best guide tho, we need to learn those forest trails ourselves well first.
There's absolutely no sense in two hikers ending up lost.
There's always plenty of other guides to call on - there's no shame in waiting until you really know those woods
D
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