izeywoot

Hi, everyone.

This isn't my first thread.. My last one was over a year ago. My ex is a recovering addict. He's been clean for over a year now and I'm very proud of him but we have broken up 3 months ago. To be honest, I don't know if it was my fault or his. I did something before as an effect of him using, broken promises, betrayal and leaving me. It was immature but I was hurt and confused. Now he says that I was the reason that led him to start using in the first place. I don't understand.. I'm just hurt that I have caused such thing.

atj9699

It is NOT your fault that he uses. It is a choice that he made as an adult...not one that you forced him into. He's putting that blame anywhere he can so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions. As long as you let him blame you, he will. I know that it's easier said than done but you are going to have to put the blame where it goes-back on him.
My DH (not an active addict but has used in the past) was very verbally abusive to me from the time we got married until I divorced him 15yrs later. I took the blame for everything, all the time and nothing that I ever said was right. Here we are, 3yrs later remarried (2yrs) and things are great. If he tries to get an attitude or blame me for something that I know isn't my fault I stand up to him. I will never be undermined, blamed or belittled again. If you look deep within your self, you will find that person in you too. I won't be easy to let him take the blame for his actions but the blame is all his.

Be strong...and take it one day at a time.

zoso77

Wow. You must be incredibly powerful. You'd have to be to drive someone to start using drugs.

< rolls eyes >

All you need to understand is your AXBF is refusing to take responsibility for his poor choices. Blaming others is a telltale sign of someone that doesn't wish to grow up.

Don't allow him to bring you down.

ZoSo

Ann

We are each responsible for our own actions, for our behaviour, our words and what choices we make.

We are also each responsible for how we react to others. We can "react" and blame and shame them for our own bad behaviour or we can act with maturity and thought.

He IS responsible for every choice he ever made in life. He owns what he did and blaming you shows his immaturity and lack of personal integrity.

Breaking up isn't a matter of fault, most times the room is already empty when you decide to close the door.

Move forward in your life with joyful anticipation of wonderful days ahead. They are there waiting for you, as soon as you close the door on the past. I promise.

Hugs

peacedove

When I met my AAXBF, noted he was on the party scene too often, talked to him about it and listened to what he said. THEN he told me it was due to "losing" his marriage, being so bored without the family in his life, lacking the routine of things he used to have and just trying to forget about it all. Naively, I thought "ok, this does happen to people and it is an awful thing to go through, too, so he's just been acting like a ditz to cover up pain and loss." NO, NO and NO again. If any of what he explained had actually been true I would not be here on this forum today. He was doing exactly what he wanted to be doing. Partying. Using. Not accepting responsibility for anything and being unhealthy because he wanted to be. I did not place him where he was when we met. I was a healthy partner while we were together. Had he really, really, really wanted a family, a home, a stable environment for children, a loving and healthy relationship with a woman and a commitment to all of it--I was there and he had it. Fast forward through the months and he broke it off with me after I discovered him using drugs and alcohol. Through all the twists and turns of our last conversation, he manipulated everything I said, he lied, he tried to lie over the lies and then just flat out stated I was "boring." Ok. You know what? Compared to cocaine, alcohol and weed I am boring. Seriously. It was his choice and he made it. We have no contact or relationship now. We have no future together because of choices that were made. One, he chose to party again and two, I chose to not "save" anything but myself. I am not responsible for what he chose or chooses to do. I was no where around when his marriage ended but I was there when we ended. I know the truth. He may or may not really know the truth depending on how you want to look at the way and addict/user thinks or processes or does not do either.
He threw in more BS when chaos would occur, when things I didn't understand happened or didn't happen--over time he was able to get me "off balance" with my own thinking and reasoning skills just because I was around him and with him.
Once you are away and I mean really away and out of it--the whole blame game is clear and evident and shallow at best.
Don't let yourself be confused, sidetracked, feel responsible or feel guilty. If you are with a user, from what I read here, this is likely to happen.
I have to work on all this now because I was there and let all this happen, too. I have to take ownership of my lack of realization I was in a situation for way too long I did not need to be in. I did not listen to my gut. But I am free now. I was given a gift and it is up to me to use it wisely and grow from it, too.
Embrace yourself, own what you need to but don't beat yourself up about it. We all make mistakes in life. But we do not have to make them again.

Impurrfect

I'm a recovering addict, and my choice to use drugs in the first place, and to choose recovery later, was totally mine. No one was powerful enough to make me choose either.

IMO, if someone is still blaming someone else for their addiction? They have a long way to go to be considered "recovering". I was "clean" for the better part of a year, but still had addict thinking. True recovery has allowed me to take responsibility for my own actions.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

izeywoot

Thank you, guys. Your words have made me think a lot about the relationship I had with him. I was always there for him. Gave him a second chance when he asked for it even though I was emotionally and mentally beaten up, though he was never verbally abusive nor treated me bad but the situation he left with when he left for rehab had made me go through so much that it changed me, and I've realized that now we are over. I didn't like what I did but I took the responsibility because I chose what I did. I mean sure, I did it because I was hurt but I never really considered I did it because he had caused the hurt.. I guess that's why I see it unfair on my part.

izeywoot

You are right. It makes me think now. He stopped going to meetings a few months after he got out. He was only active for the first few months, we even did the 12 step one time but he stopped and I forget his reason why. I like to believe he got tired of it. I remember him saying he's getting tired of having to call and coming in everyday for a pee test. He's not always the talker of emotions but he knows it was something he had to work on and for the last months we were together, he was hiding a very big problem from me - and I thought we have talked about him being open to me but I guess that's something I couldn't change. I clearly remember he said himself that he learned at rehab "no one is powerful enough to influence our actions"... Now I don't know why he says now I was one of the reasons.. Makes me wonder now if he's still clean or just hurt and angry at me because of the break up.

Impurrfect

Regardless of whether he's still clean, hurt, angry or all of the above, it's his decision, choices and consequences.

I am also in recovery for codependency. I've been blamed and done the blaming on XABFs. I learned to take responsibility for MY part in the relationships, and let the rest go. It didn't happen quickly or easily, but it sure feels better when I stop thinking that what happens with someone else is up to me. The great folks, here, helped me realize that

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

AnvilheadII

now is probably a good time to cut off contact. you don't need someone who chooses to blame you for their problems! just shut the door and walk away!

peacedove

I agree with the no contact option and it being a good time. Before I did it I suffered more hurt. Different situation but I left myself open for another incident of pain, frustration, anger, resentment, tears plus more. When really tired of it, really at "the end" and really wanting to be better, feel better and be a healthy person in the future NO CONTACT works. You can begin to heal yourself, do the steps and take care of yourself. You can begin the process of letting go and moving on. In all of this, pain and suffering happens...you just have to decide how much more you want to endure. Focus on you. Focus on healing. Focus on a better future. You deserve it!

Vale

>>>>>>>>>I don't understand.. I'm just hurt that I have caused such thing.<<<<<<<<<

As one of the more nasty,persistent,and annoying little trolls on SR,
I have read alot of WRONG things. But THIS statement is the wrongest
of the wrong (and I don't even care if 'wrongest' isn't a word---you get the
idea!)

This is black and white.Night and day.Maddow&Limbaugh.

YOU DIDN'T CAUSE ANYTHING.HE DID.YOU WERE NEVER RESPONSIBLE
FOR HIS USING!!!!.

(sometimes you just have to break the glass over the 'Caps lock' key!)

allforcnm

We are all responsible for our own choices, if he is outright blaming you then I think he has not taken responsibility for his issues. Im not defending him, but my other thought is maybe it was a slight miscommunication. Often people turn to drugs when there are problems in their life and they cant cope.
Their coping mechanisms are broken, weak, and cause triggers to use. Maybe whatever went on between you two stressed him, and he reacted by picking up. It is not your fault at all, but maybe in his mind he's trying to explain how his feelings triggered him to use. But still he has to realize he is responsible for changing his coping mechanism, for making better choices, and not picking up, no matter what. That's part of what he has to learn in recovery.

My husband has a year in recovery, and for the most part has made this distinction. But sometimes he still gets to questioning why certain things happened in his life, and he feels like if they hadn't happened, then he never would have used. I think it's just part of human nature to an extent.
When my husband was actively using, I made some bad choices for myself. He wasn't to blame (took me a while to open my eyes to this) but the situation going on with him did stir my emotions up, and those emotions contributed to my bad decisions. Sometimes when we have a disagreement, or if I am having a bad day, or faced with something from the past.. it would be easy to lash out at him. Hasn’t happened since the very beginning of his recovery, but I know I am going to have to stay mindful of it for a long time.

Probably your ex is lashing out at you in this way. He knows its not really your fault; but he says it to hurt in the heat of an argument, etc. And your no longer together, so he doesn’t have as many relationship limits. I would take it as this, and be confident - your not responsible.

peacedove

Continuing to real this thread just reminded me of ohhhhhhhhhh so many, many times the ex pulled out the psycho babble BS book during convo's explaining how "if YOU wouldn't do X then I would not do Y. you are causing this...." YOU ARE CAUSING THIS over and over and over--and this wasn't even in reference to his addictions--that convo never made it that far! Small laugh there but it didn't!!! I was somehow always the cause for just about anything and everything. Did I ever look at him and ask him if he were the cause of anything at all? Sure I did!! Did he give in and admit it? Sometimes. Not the important point though. The point to take away is this: No way was I the cause of every single incident or rough patch or bump we encountered. I was with an addict, a user and an abuser. Guess what??? In and of itself THAT causes a host and majority of issues in any relationship of any kind. The blame game is a mind game, once again.
I'm telling ya' there is only one of two things that can happen. You either go down with them or you rise above it. To each his own on how or what or which way. Just don't repeat the phrase you caused this...it is not healthy and it takes you nowhere but down. Have to move up and on!!

izeywoot

I have stopped communicating with him for almost a month now. He initiated the no contact first and he's been on it for almost 4 months now. He's so good at shutting himself but I'm thankful that he started it because it has made moving on easier for me. I find out the blaming part through my Aunt, they exchanged a few messages for closure I guess. I didn't really get into it. I will continue moving on no matter how long it will take me because I'm tired.

Allforcnm, you have a point. I see what you're saying. It's just hearing it from someone else hurts more but it doesn't really matter now. I'm too tired to even look at both sides.

Vale, I hear ya very clearly. Dont worry. Lol

Thank you, everyone. I knew I posted on the right forum. I don't really have people to turn to regarding to this kind of issue. I will keep moving forward and hopefully, heal and find myself again as time goes by. I miss him but more like the memories I had with him. I hope he stays clean for a long time. Thank you again.