brightstar43

I've been doing ok, keeping busy and spending time with friends. I was out last night and had a really good night with a female friend then my cousin and a few of his friends joined us. It was good to have some male company too. The thing is when I got home I had this urge to contact my ex and did. I got no answer and today I'm really glad he didn't answer. I'm now really disappointed in myself and feel its like a setback and an old pattern returning. When we broke up in the past I always contacted him when I was feeling good, not when I was really sad. I'm mixed up with this and wonder has anyone else done this. I want to be able to let go completely.Its almost 2 months since we broke up. I don't know why I contact him after being out. Can't work out if its loneliness and the urge to contact him seems overwhelming at this time. I don't want to stop going out but I'm not want to keep repeating the same pattern. Any words of advice..? Has anyone experienced this?

dandylion

Dear brightstar, it looks to me like you pretty much identified what happened--you have had a pattern of contacting him when you feel good (in addition to other times)--so, you were feeling good and that triggered your almost automatic response to call. It makes all the sense in the world, to me.

Kind of like the alcoholic has all kinds of triggers to crave a drink. You just have to be aware of when you feel triggered--and, do everything in your power to resist the impulse to call.

As to how to resist this particular trigger--I think making the phone physically more difficult to access might help a bit. For instance--remove his programmed number if you haven't already--and, when you come home, put your phone far away--like in the top of the linen closet or on the back porch--or somewhere. This buys you time to rethink your decision rather than just a spinal reflex.

I am sure that others will have some good ideas for you.

I think you have done REALLY good, thus far. Congratulate yourself on that! So, you stumbled--you are human and this is hard. Like they say "Progress not Perfection".

Don't stop going out! You need to be socializing and continuing a healthy life.

sincerely, dandylion

brightstar43

Thanks dandylion it is hard sometimes. I know I must maintain no contact it has really helped me. I just wish the urge to contact would leave me then I would know I'm over him. This is the same pattern as always.... I break up with him then end up contacting him. He never contacts me first. I don't even know if it's him I miss or am just lonely and miss close male contact. I know in future I will need to try harder to resist that urge to call I just wish I didn't have it in the first place! Sometimes feel I'm doing all the hard work on myself. He has just continued to do the same old thing and to me it's seems for him it's easier to get on with his life when we break up and that hurts.

wicked

If you are waiting for him to do the same hard work on himself that you are doing on yourself, you are still "there" in the past.
Today, you work on yourself, and one of the things you do for yourself is forget any concern about what he is doing.
Your recovery (no contact) is about you. It has nothing to do with him and what he is or isn't doing. You are no longer an item. So, it follows he is no longer your business.
Take it easy on yourself. You did not talk to him and that is progress.
Remember, it is ALL about you!

Beth

dandylion

Dear brightstar43--I hear what you are saying. Of course, you don't like how you are feeling---who would? But, I promise you that it will get easier the longer you go without contact. It is just that 2mo. is not a long enough time for you to have it completely behind you. You are probably still grieving the loss of the relationship--that is normal and necessary. The grieving is actually the beginning of the healing process--it just doesn't feel that way to you, yet.

You are doing the right thing--resisting the urge to call; coming here for moral support; going out and having fun with friends. This is all good.

Can you think of anything else to do this week-end that would be fun. I'll bet you can.

atalose

If you can’t get yourself to the point of removing his contact # from your phone then change his name to HURT PAIN AND DISSAPOINTMENT so if you get that over whelming urge again to call him you’ll see you are calling HURT PAIN AND DISSAPOINTMENT.

brightstar43

The longest I have went no contact is 8 months so I reckon I need to get past that mark this time before I feel I'm making progress? With the support on this forum and reading various posts it has been easy most times not to phone him. I don't want the pain,hurt and disappointment that goes with having a relationship with an alcoholic. I'm feeling ok today, just wish I hadn't made that call last night. Was going to order the book Journey from Abandonment to Healing. Has this book been helpful to anyone?

wicked

or just

QUACK!

wicked

Yes, it helped me a great deal brightstar. There are exercises and some great insights there that were AHA! moments for me.

Beth

brightstar43

Dandylion your right 2mths is not long enough and I'm still grieving. It's sometimes I think hey I'm feeling like I'm over it then like last night when I got home I know I'm not there yet. I'm going to order the book I mentioned and keep doing all the things I'm doing. I'm lucky to have good friends in my life and the support of this forum.

Wicked, I read a chapter from the book online and think it will help me. I'll do anything to get over this break up. How long did it take you?