15 years on and off using. its bad now...need to talk to people
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: UTAH
Posts: 17
15 years on and off using. its bad now...need to talk to people
ive done it all! but now im 36 and using pills, drinking, meth daily. im going to be dead if i dont stop..my liver is enlarged, was homeless a year just got a place but keep blowing my money on drugs..so in no time ill be homeless again. ive turned into a liar lost my fiance..he has 3 years clean but left me cuz i risk his sobriety. loosing great clean friends and family to hang out with drug users. ive done treatment, detox, meetings, why cant i say enough is enough! i am today, this is so not me to do this. but im willing to try anything at this point..im lost and broken!
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Welcome Lela. I bounced around for 2 years and have an idea of your pain and shame. Finally a day came when I got a little honest with myself and as a result haven't had a drink in over 30 years. I'm not having an ego trip only showing many have done it and are comfortable in our own skin as never before. It was truthfully pointed out that the alcohol was not the real problem, its only the tip of the iceberg. Our real problem is getting honest, stopping the denial and surrendering to win. The male species in general hates to admit we drank so heavily because of feelings until the pain gets so unbearable we do the insane act of drinking more to escape the pain. Feelings come in many packages from bad memories to worry about $, people, places and things etc. Hang in and keep coming and BE WELL.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
At 36 you've had your fill of drugs and alcohol. There's nothing to miss out on by quitting, you've seen what there is to see and done what there is to do in that life.
Getting clean and sober could be the rebirth or reinvention of yourself that you need. I guarantee it will be interesting. Remember that all journeys, even trips around the world, or missions to space, start with the first step.
Shoot for a day clean and dry. If you manage a day you've got momentum, and hopefully that momentum carries you to your next goal -- a week sober.
You get to a week, you have serious inertia going and you build confidence--you learn that you can do it. And if you fall off the wagon later (hey, it can happen -- quitting is hard and sometimes takes more than one attempt to get it down pat) you're in a better position to climb back aboard because you've done it before and you know you can do it again.
Everything's a process in life.
Good fortune, traveler!
Getting clean and sober could be the rebirth or reinvention of yourself that you need. I guarantee it will be interesting. Remember that all journeys, even trips around the world, or missions to space, start with the first step.
Shoot for a day clean and dry. If you manage a day you've got momentum, and hopefully that momentum carries you to your next goal -- a week sober.
You get to a week, you have serious inertia going and you build confidence--you learn that you can do it. And if you fall off the wagon later (hey, it can happen -- quitting is hard and sometimes takes more than one attempt to get it down pat) you're in a better position to climb back aboard because you've done it before and you know you can do it again.
Everything's a process in life.
Good fortune, traveler!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: UTAH
Posts: 17
Thank you for all your great words of wisdom!! I havnt even got out of bed. i called into work and i know thats not responsible..but I work at a place where one of there main hires is recovering addicts, to help get em on there feet. So when other addicts are struggling alot of them as we know try and get them to use with em. So work to me is my drug dealer per say. I can walk in the door and get whatever I want..and even recieved texts today saying I would be taken care of as soon as I got there. So work was the last place I wanted to be on my first day on this new happy life..but I need a job.So what cab I or how cab
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Lela I was in active addiction for 7 years and no matter how many times I tried to kick it I couldn't. Every place I went and everyone I saw reminded me of using and it was just too much.
When I finally had enough I changed my phone number and moved 12 hours away. Moving 12 hours away was the BEST decision I have ever made in my entire life. Once I moved it didn't matter where I went because I hadn't used anywhere in this state, nevermind this town. Changing my phone number and not having a face book was great to because no one could send me messages and trigger me. Also, moving so far away allowed me to start fresh since no one here knew about my past. I was no long Maylie the drug addict where people could gossip about crazy stories about me, now I was just Maylie the law student
I'm not sure if you would be able to pick up and go but it might just be what you need to save you life
When I finally had enough I changed my phone number and moved 12 hours away. Moving 12 hours away was the BEST decision I have ever made in my entire life. Once I moved it didn't matter where I went because I hadn't used anywhere in this state, nevermind this town. Changing my phone number and not having a face book was great to because no one could send me messages and trigger me. Also, moving so far away allowed me to start fresh since no one here knew about my past. I was no long Maylie the drug addict where people could gossip about crazy stories about me, now I was just Maylie the law student
I'm not sure if you would be able to pick up and go but it might just be what you need to save you life
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: CT
Posts: 189
Hi Lele, stay close to here and keep posting. The bottom can be scary but there are so many good things waiting for you on the way back up. Sounds like its time to find a new job! That environment seems toxic for you, especially in the beginning. Can you get to an NA meeting? People there want to help too & maybe someone there knows of a job that is not so dangerous for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Lela I hope you are feeling a little better today, we are all here for you and we know what it is like since we have all been there.
Have you tried finding an addiction counselor to talk about how you are feeling and what triggers you to use? When I started going to a counselor I found that there were some deep rooted issues that I had pushed aside that were at the root of my using. I need to work through and look at those issues before I could fully embrace recovery. While I know money is tight right now, there are many counselors that have a sliding scale and you could prob. go to one very cheap. There are also some free drug hotlines where you can call the number and talk to someone over the phone when you have a craving or are feeling really down.
I know there is a lot of thing going on right now and your head is spinning but try to remember to breath! Take it one day at a time and set a small goal for the day and work on tackling that goal. Looking at the big picture can be scary and it gets easy to think it is hopeless, but it isn't!
Have you tried finding an addiction counselor to talk about how you are feeling and what triggers you to use? When I started going to a counselor I found that there were some deep rooted issues that I had pushed aside that were at the root of my using. I need to work through and look at those issues before I could fully embrace recovery. While I know money is tight right now, there are many counselors that have a sliding scale and you could prob. go to one very cheap. There are also some free drug hotlines where you can call the number and talk to someone over the phone when you have a craving or are feeling really down.
I know there is a lot of thing going on right now and your head is spinning but try to remember to breath! Take it one day at a time and set a small goal for the day and work on tackling that goal. Looking at the big picture can be scary and it gets easy to think it is hopeless, but it isn't!
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