stiney

Yesterday was actually a good day, I felt so much better just getting all of this stuff out of me that has been trapped for so long.
I've been petsitting, so last night I didn't stay at home with him. I showed up this morning. I had breakfast for him, I started making him his tea, gave him kisses, started to wake him up, and just as I finished his tea I saw the bottle. A bottle of MD 20/20 sitting next to him on the sofa. I put his tea down and left to go to school, I didn't try to wake him up anymore. I spent all day sitting in class crying, and trying to hide it. I cried through 2 exams. I'm crying right now.
I feel so broken inside, it hurts so bad. I haven't texted him, he hasn't texted me. I'm heartbroken. I can't imagine going through what some of you have suffered - relapse after relapse after relapse. But the thought of leaving him, my little lamb, nearly kills me. So many dreams, and hopes and wishes, gone, unsalvageable. I've dreamed about the children we were going to have, I want those little girls so badly, how could I walk away from them? And I have no money left. I spent almost everything in my saving to help him buy a truck for his job, he's been paying all of our bills. I can't survive on my own, even if I found the strength to make him leave.
I just feel so unhopeful, about everything. My ex-husband chose video games over me, and then other women. I fell in love with this guy so fast, so hard - he was everything I had ever wanted to have in my life...but now all of this. He wasn't always like this. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I don't understand why life has to be so cruel. I'm all alone in this world. I chose to share my life with this man and look what's happened, where I've turned up. I have no one else. I have nowhere else. If I lose him it's just me.
And I don't feel like he cares at all.

LexieCat

Sorry you're hurting today, Stiney, but all those things you claim are so hopeless definitely do NOT doom you to unhappiness. Read some of the other threads around here recently, where people have been through the same kinds of hopeless feelings you have now, and have come through on the other side.

None of us is so "special" in our misery that we cannot get better. Honest. You can survive on your own. What would happen if he dropped dead tomorrow? Would you drop dead because you couldn't survive? I seriously doubt it. Lots of us have been broke, in debt, and gone through tough financial times, but we have gotten to the other side. We had dreams, too, that were shattered, but now we have new ones we are working to make reality.

So have a good cry, and then start looking at what you can do to make your own life better. Nobody else can do it for you. But we'll be here to support you while you do it.

Hugs,

Florence

Remember, he's not a little lamb. He's a grown man who is capable of taking care of himself and managing his own business.

You are more than what he -- or your ex -- thinks of you. And you're not alone! There are people around you who do and will appreciate you, your intellect, your beauty, and your kindness in ways he is incapable of seeing you. Trust me on this. You are MORE than his problems. And you deserve more than his problems.

Recovering2

I spent days on end crying. Would spend the entire day in bed crying, with my cat curled up next to me. He didn't seem to even notice, which made the pain worse. Until I decided I was sick of being so miserable. The pain of staying became worse than the pain of leaving.
There is nothing you can't overcome if you set your mind to it. Don't give your power away to someone else. Find an AlAnon meeting, continue with your counselor at school, and keep posting on here. You WILL get through this.

SolTraveler

You can have everything you want - a partner who genuinely cares about YOU with no other strings, financial security, everything. You really can. As much as it hurts right now, there is something better out there for you.

((Hugs))

MTSlideAddict

Your raw emotion has put tears in my eyes today. It feels so similar to what I feel at times. I'm sorry you are going through this. I understand this pain.

My husband used to be the man of my dreams, but today he is not. Looking back today, there seems to be more days in our past of him being my nightmare instead of my dream. My mistake is hanging on to the man he once was for far too long.

Remember you are NOT alone. We are all here with you. Feel the emotion that is coming to you right now. Tomorrow will be a new day.

dandylion

Dear stiney, when you feel overwhelmed by the pain, fear and confusion, and you can't "see your way out of it"---this is the time that you grab on to a lifeline. For you, right now, that would be the school counselor that you talked to, the psychiatrist, and alanon. You can lean on them until you get your emotional legs (your normal emotional coping mechanisms) back.

Right now, you seem to be decompensating--and that is not unusual--as most of us on this board who tried fighting a loosing battle against addictions have experienced.
You are not able to see the solutions, right now--but, they are there. You are capable of doing all the things that you think you "can't". You are 24yrs. old with a great career hanging in the balance--if you scrap that--you will spend the rest of your life regretting it and end up hating him for it.

You CANNOT help him. He is being controlled by a monster disease that does not care one twit about a 24yr. old's tears, wrecked career or good intentions. I'm sorry, honey, but that is the REALITY of it.

Help yourself--get out of his way so that he might help himself. You will never ever be able to help the animals that will need you if you let this take you down.

Please contact one of your helping persons---and keep posting here. We care about you.

I say this to you out of deep caring for you.

sincerely, dandylion

wicked

Your little lamb?
Is he your child? Even if he were, it sounds like he is a grown up person.
You are walking away from children (girls) that are only in your mind?

Please stiney, your life happening for you right now.

Grieve for this relationship. Learn about yourself and what you can do for yourself.

There is no doubt, none, that you can survive on your own.
Actually, the best thing you could do for yourself is to find out how to survive on your own. Then, when the next one comes along, you will not have this fear of death (not surviving) without him.
The choice will not be life or death, just happy or not.

Beth

CeciliaV

Stiney, I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know it's hard, and you may not feel it right now, but please don't forget that you are a strong, capable, and deserving person. As was said before, the solutions are there, but you just can't see them right now. Sometimes we're presented with choices that we may not like, and we have to make the right choice for ourselves. Keep reaching out, keep posting. You're not alone - we're here for you and we care about you!

CodeJob

Have a good cry then start making an exit plan. I have been married to AH 19 years. You do not need to keep on this path at age 24. I understand crying over your planned future daughters, but you want a strong capable father for them. Get a copy of Codependent No More to help bolster your self esteem and determine how you drew this type of partner into your life. You have your entire life before you and it will all be well if you take your own hand for a time. Peace and resolve

Sunshine84

I'm so sorry you are hurting. The pain I feel is not just emotional but physical. Like I can't breathe. And I've already said that I would rather not exist than have to feel all this ****. It's do much easier to give advice than take it but I try to focus on the fact that yes, I'm in pain and the whole situation is shltty but at least I didn't marry him or have children with my alcoholic bf, we at least can truly make a clean cut...

LexieCat

Sunshine,

I hope you are getting some help for those feelings of "would rather not exist" than feeling all the pain. A good therapist can help, Al-Anon can help, and sometimes medication can help.

Please do not sit alone with those feelings. And keep posting here--that helps, too.