peacedove

Have knowledge of red flags, etc...but was wondering if anyone else here had to deal with their previous/current partner being the one to actually use the term "red flag" on you versus the other way around. He never used the term to my face. It was always by email or text only but it was always thrown in there regarding something I did that he thought I should not have done whether it be leaving(he called it me abandoning him over and over) or speaking up and out with a different opinion than his(he called it being argumentative)or if I stated we should be spending one on one time or more time together as a couple when the children were away so we could have some adult time(he would type Red Flag here--too needy of an individual--attention seeking). I ask if anyone else had it happen because it helps to know. He obviously has had experience with the term red flag is what I know now but I should have been red flagging him in my mind and exiting way before I did. Good at mind games they are. Anyway, any input would be appreciated. I'm getting there.....

Lily1918

oh yes. Just last night this happened. He says his sponsor warned him of red flags in me. He feels the effects of the detachment, but calls it emotional distance. He tries giving me all of these reasons like if I don't respond in a conversation the way he wants me too. He called telling me this grand plan about doing a worship service at the church. I personally have an attitude of I'll believe it when I see it, but my response was that's a great idea, I hope it works out. He called my lack of excitement a red flag.

Its just a mind game in my opinion.

peacedove

Interesting. Thank you. Wondering doesn't help much, I know but it's part of my processing these days. Once I got on this forum it was the first time I saw the phrase "you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it." It was extremely helpful like everything here is. Out of the blue, today, all these things are surfacing in my memory he would say to me when our relationship would hit a snag or bump(in his emails/texts of course). He would day "My mom or someone else told me I can't control the action of others I can only control my own and I don't cause someone else to do any one thing or another that is their own free choice." Sounds alot like what I am learning here in recovery for myself. Also, he would say "I live one day at the time and one day at the time only and enjoy each single moment to the fullest extent." Sounds similar to how in recovery it is one day at the time. Almost like he's been close to a program or in a program himself at some point in the past and I might not have known. Who knows, right? Honesty wasn't a strong point with him when it came to telling important things up front(like if you had previously been in a program, etc...)so I will never know. It could be nothing at all. I was only wondering if anyone else had this happen to them. Oh, the mind game is real. Now I need to get my own mind on my own self and stop wondering! Goodness, that is one hard thing to do! Trying to make sense so I can have solid footing while these thoughts are surfacing in my brain at the same time. Multi tasking has never been my strong point--I admit--so it's like I'm going in two different directions trying to gain ground with it. Again, any input is appreciated and thanks!

AnvilheadII

some folks hang around recovery just long enough to pick up the Talk, but don't stay long enough to learn the Walk.

peacedove

I'm staying to not only walk but to jog...and then run...and then run a marathon, too. If any of you ever think I am swaying from that approach and that commitment--call me out--immediately. When I get through this(if there is a get through this point)I never want to be in this position again. Ever. So, I'm trying! Definitely!

AnvilheadII

no no, not YOU silly - HIM! sorry, i should have been much clearer. stand down, Dove, you're fine!

peacedove

lol, anvilhead--i did know you meant him and not me in your post. i was switching gears in a humorous way to say I/ME will be here for the long haul and whenever else versus whatever he did in the past...i gotcha! all is well! my funky sense of humor just got in the way is all. it's all good!!!!

AnvilheadII

whew....you wouldn't believe how often my posts have been taken the wrong way and somebody goes flouncing off in a huff!!!

Lily1918

oh that has never happened before. ever. not even once.

speaking of flags. I feel that testing and emails are a red flag in my walk. Why can't you pick up the phone? so you don't answer but then you text me? do you know I will hear the drugs in your voice? are you lying about where you are? Take the addiction out of it... are you to much of a pansy to talk to me over the phone???

but then again even though Im only 25 I have never been much of a texter.

EverHopeful721

Lily, this is so interesting. My XA never liked to 'talk' on the phone, either!! We always spoke through texting. We only spoke on the phone a handful of times over the course of 16 months, and they were all in the 'earlier' days of the relationship. He even told me in the early days that he wasn't much of a 'phone' person, that he'd rather speak to the person face-to-face, but then when we were face-to-face, he didn't want to talk much, either....at least not about 'important' stuff. And when we DID talk on the phone, I could almost hear how nervous and tense he was throughout the conversation, I could literally FEEL that guard of his go up and hear it in his voice. I thought it was just me and my XA, but maybe not....maybe it IS something that a lot of addicts do....??

shinebright7

My AH hates texting. He only does it because he knows I really like it. He'd much rather be on the phone even though he's not always a man of many words.

Lily1918

Maybe texting is a cultural thing

EverHopeful721

Yeah, maybe it is a cultural thing, probably just a statement of society today, with the advance of technology, that most people text instead of talk anymore.

You're lucky, shinebright! I'd also much rather talk to someone, hear their voice....makes you feel closer to them. But I'm conditioned now to texting since that all my XA used to do....weird that it would take getting used to now if I was in a relationship where the guy actually wanted to TALK to me instead of just text me, lol.

peacedove

Doubt I will run a scientific study on this one now or in the future but I sure can say the AAXBF definitely said he only liked to use the phone for business purposes and he sure could talk the talk of a smooth as silk/got it together and whatever for business dealings on the phone and answer the calls pronto, too. Everything else--text preferred. So many things get messed up with texts=more chaos, more time, more confusion. I can see a text for some things but not as preferred communication. Also rolled over to an "avoidance" tactic if irritated or angry--just wouldn't answer a call or a text. Period. Just crappy behavior. I do believe I shall keep it in mind though for the future as "not normal" for my taste, anyway. I'm too old for crazy is what I've decided. Want to talk to me? Call me. Simple as that.

EverHopeful721

Agreed, peacedove. It was always much easier for my XA to 'blow off' one of my text messages and then come up with some ridiculous excuse a couple days later, when he actually WANTED to see me.....sorry I didn't text you back, I wasn't feeling well and went to bed early, or I just got a new phone and it's already screwed up, or I was exhausted and crashed, blah, blah, blah!!! UGH!!!!

peacedove

been there. heard those. next! lol