My Sister, The Evangelist is an Enabler
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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My Sister, The Evangelist is an Enabler
My sister is an enabler. She and I have had the same back and forth about my brother who is a long term drug and alcohol abuser and goes to church with her so that he can beg her and others for money, food and anything he can get his hands on. My sister, the evangelist says that opening him up to God will convict him and he will change his ways. I realize that God works when he wants to on whomever he wants in his own time, but I still believe that we as human beings are responsible to maintain this life that he has given us as a gift and drugs and alcohol abuse seems like destruction of your body. That could not be good.
Having said that, the years just keep going and going like the Energizer bunny and yet....no change. He is 48, has been doing this same dance for many years....even got upset when I finally caught on to what he was doing and shut him down immediately. I can't talk to him, I can't look at him, I can't speak to him while he continue to use her and others. When I do speak, I have to control the slow burn inside my stomach at the deception.
Others in the family pretend and look away, invite him to family events where he has embarrassed us multiple times with young children around. I will not attend family events because this could not be good. What if he hurts one of the children? They appear to be clueless, although I think this is a way of not confronting him for fear he will either get hurt or not interact with the family. Honestly, these feelings I have where I can't stand to see or look at him in that condition are so over powering that I may have to disown everybody.
Having said that, the years just keep going and going like the Energizer bunny and yet....no change. He is 48, has been doing this same dance for many years....even got upset when I finally caught on to what he was doing and shut him down immediately. I can't talk to him, I can't look at him, I can't speak to him while he continue to use her and others. When I do speak, I have to control the slow burn inside my stomach at the deception.
Others in the family pretend and look away, invite him to family events where he has embarrassed us multiple times with young children around. I will not attend family events because this could not be good. What if he hurts one of the children? They appear to be clueless, although I think this is a way of not confronting him for fear he will either get hurt or not interact with the family. Honestly, these feelings I have where I can't stand to see or look at him in that condition are so over powering that I may have to disown everybody.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
We don't have to be with anyone we are uncomfortable with and I am glad you feel free to make your own choices.
Sometimes acceptance allows us to have a relationship, but when acceptance and enabling mix, I'd be gone in a heartbeat just like you.
Hugs
Sometimes acceptance allows us to have a relationship, but when acceptance and enabling mix, I'd be gone in a heartbeat just like you.
Hugs
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by Redvelvetcake59 
I can't talk to him, I can't look at him, I can't speak to him while he continue to use her and others. When I do speak, I have to control the slow burn inside my stomach at the deception.
If he is putting others in danger physically I would say you need to take some action. But otherwise it sounds like you need to back off and take care of your own peace of mind. He may hit bottom or he may not but no one had any power over my addictions, not my family, doctors, hospitals or jails. I had to hit an emotional and spiritual bottom all by myself.
I was the one who had to surrender, no one could do it for me.
You are powerless over what your sister does, please don't give your peace away. You been to nar -anon/al-anon?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Sounds like you have reached YOUR bottom related to your brother and that's why you don't want to be around him anymore. It's what got you to get online and find this forum and make your first post and reach out for help.
Good!
We, as the loved ones of those who suffer from the disease of addiction, definitely need help. We need help because addiction is a family disease and those around the addict are affected by the sickness too.
As deeker asked about Al Anon or Nar Anon -- these are the 12 step programs for loved ones of addicts and alcoholics. They help support us through our own recovery.
I hope you'll keep coming back here and posting and reading about how you can help yourself feel better whether your brother is getting clean or not...or whether your sister changes her ways or not.
You can definitely feel good again and it's not dependent on them changing their ways.
We just need to start by taking our attention off of THEM (your brother and your sister) and putting it back on ourselves and on God.
Good!
We, as the loved ones of those who suffer from the disease of addiction, definitely need help. We need help because addiction is a family disease and those around the addict are affected by the sickness too.
As deeker asked about Al Anon or Nar Anon -- these are the 12 step programs for loved ones of addicts and alcoholics. They help support us through our own recovery.
I hope you'll keep coming back here and posting and reading about how you can help yourself feel better whether your brother is getting clean or not...or whether your sister changes her ways or not.
You can definitely feel good again and it's not dependent on them changing their ways.
We just need to start by taking our attention off of THEM (your brother and your sister) and putting it back on ourselves and on God.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
There is an old proverb that goes: "Call on God, but row away from the rocks."
That's exactly what we're doing; we're calling on God, but we have to do our part also. You're doing yours by seeking to extract yourself from the chaos of your family. I had to do the same thing, the adults in my family all enable my sister so much that it's maddening. I used to enable her also, until I sought a way out of the darkness. I hope that they, too, will find that light at some point.
That's exactly what we're doing; we're calling on God, but we have to do our part also. You're doing yours by seeking to extract yourself from the chaos of your family. I had to do the same thing, the adults in my family all enable my sister so much that it's maddening. I used to enable her also, until I sought a way out of the darkness. I hope that they, too, will find that light at some point.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
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My sister, the evangelist says that opening him up to God will convict him and he will change his ways.
Seems to me that God's also given us the gift of Free Will, and with that gift comes the burden of choice. And it's pretty apparent that your brother has chosen to continue on the path he's on. Which is awful. And there's nothing that you or anyone can do about it.
It's unfortunate that you've had to take the steps you have in order to protect yourself. But those steps are necessary when it comes to maintaining your own wellness. Your family will have to come to terms with your brother's illness on their own terms. You take care of you.
ZoSo
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