It's working!

Old 04-25-2013, 10:22 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
shinebright7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
It's working!

I'm being restored to sanity this week...

Well, maybe just in the last 48 hours...

But thank God, because it feels so much better.

After the episode of my husband breaking into our apartment with a lock smith because I had kicked him out several days prior and he "just so desperate to see me" I had a huge insight.

I really got at a deeper level of understanding that addiction is a disease -- separate from my husband in the same way that when my BFF has a cold, that cold is separate from her.

It doesn't make me like her less. It just makes me not want to hang out with her so that I don't get sick too.

Before this deeper insight about addiction as a disease, I couldn't honestly write about how my husband was sick, because I was too wrapped up in the SYMPTOMS and wanting to judge those as crazy, scary, wrong, bad, etc.

I was also suffering from that concept of "uniqueness" that my story and situation with my husband was a big deal and worthy of freaking out over.

But since I have had this shift, I don't even feel like I'm on a forum here talking about drugs and addicts and all this in the same way that I used to.

Honestly I used to get stressed sometimes coming to the board because I would instantly think about all the incidents in our marriage that qualified me to be here.

But now, I feel like I'm on a board where there are loved ones talking about their sick spouses and family members -- like they would on a board for family members of those who have cancer.

We are talking about our loved ones' symptoms and whether they're have a good day or a bad day...

And how it's hard for us to watch them suffer...

And then we remind each other that our loved ones are in God's hands and we need to take care of ourselves first.

It's the same kind of thing that would happen in some other support forum for a medical condition where the loved ones were hanging out together.

I gotta say...

My heart is so much softer since I had this deeper understanding about it really being a disease.

I feel so much more sane!

Today I genuinely missed my husband -- not in a codependent desperate way...but in a fully loving, mature way that felt healthy and so refreshing. It was really beautiful.

I know it's because I've finally gotten the difference between the addiction (the beast) and my husband (the child of God.)

I feel so much more hopeful!

The drama is out of the picture when I think about things now and replay things in my head.

I'm experiencing so much compassion, understanding, and trust in God now.

If my husband were in a treatment center to receive chemo right now, I would be so full of love toward him. Not resentment for being sick.

I wouldn't be replaying times in my mind where he threw up on me, or was too tired to go to the store with me, or felt nauseated and couldn't eat the meal I prepared. I wouldn't be replaying how he snapped at me when he was in pain.

But that's what I'd been doing related to the disease of Addiction. I'm holding onto anger about the things he's done and said while in the grips of the addiction. Blaming him for his symptoms.

So silly! Like getting mad at someone for coughing if they have a cold or having a fever if they have the flu.

So now that my husband is still out of the house and in the hotel, I've been feeling so much love toward him. Picturing his sweet self laying on the bed, having done his meeting with his sponsor today and trying to process whatever he's going through.

Going through the "treatments" that are geared to help him with his condition.

He and his sponsor wound up going to the same church where I had my meeting this morning so I saw them walk past the window and my heart just swooned seeing him.

I feel like God has given me the grace to experience more love toward my husband again instead of all the confusion, anger, and impatience I've had toward him lately.

It's like a gift.

I can't quite express all of this in words yet, but it's just a wonderful feeling to see things differently than I had before.

My husband is my husband.

The Beast is the The Beast.

I love my husband.

I am getting wiser and wiser to the beast.

And I'm learning how to take care of myself given the fact that The Beast is active and alive in my husband right now.

That doesn't mean I have to reject my husband.

Detaching with love.

Detach from the beast. Love my husband.

I can love my husband and not let the beast live here with me because it will make me sick too. Just like my friends with colds and flus are not allowed to come hang out and be with me in my home either.

So grateful for this. Thank you, step 2. Thank you, God.
shinebright7 is offline  
Old 04-25-2013, 11:27 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
allforcnm's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.

I felt the same when I thought about addiction this way. Plus, it also helped me to realize that while I would love to cure cancer, I cant. Its a complicated, serious disease. Way beyond my scope. If my loved one was diagnosed with cancer, then all I could do would be to try to ensure proper treatment, encourage them to follow the recovery plan, support as best I could while continuing to care for myself & my son, And Pray. Addiction is no different. Its sad to realize that, but in a way it does bring peace.

I hope things continue to go well for both of you. Good to hear he is back in recovery mode !
allforcnm is offline  
Old 04-26-2013, 07:21 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
shinebright7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Yes, thank you ALLFOR. The fact that I would never think that my controlling, crying, pleading, and hoping could fix cancer if that were in my husband does help me realize that I can't do it with the addiction either. And how hopeless and foolish it is to try. Like trying to use my will power to make it stop raining.

All I can do is make sure I'm taking the best care of myself that I can so that I can continue to live my life and I can continue to be there in healthy ways for my husband as he goes through what he is going through.

I keep kind of pinching myself to see "do I still feel the same way? or was it just a fleeting moment of clarity this whole thing I'm talking about?"

So far, it's still my experience. One moment at a time, we'll see if I continue to enjoy this new clarity, understanding, compassion and return to sanity. Thanks for your reply! xo
shinebright7 is offline  
Old 04-26-2013, 10:23 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
BeavsDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
I'm down with the "disease" thing, but only up to a point.

There is never a good excuse for abuse and disrespect.

And if you have cancer and you steal from me, I will still break your hands and then call the cops.
BeavsDad is offline  
Old 04-26-2013, 11:22 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
I haven't reached a point of being so blessed to feel and/or believe anything and everything the AAXBF did/has done is all due to a disease, either...haven't reached a lot of points though. It is nice to see someone is in a place of such peace and forgiveness and ability that truly seems to be working for them. I don't know...some of the things were so intentional and so well thought out...makes it harder to accept it was not within the ability to choose right or make the correct choice. Ugghhhh...hard to know...but I'm trying!
peacedove is offline  
Old 04-26-2013, 12:23 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
shinebright7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by peacedove View Post
I haven't reached a point of being so blessed to feel and/or believe anything and everything the AAXBF did/has done is all due to a disease, either...haven't reached a lot of points though. It is nice to see someone is in a place of such peace and forgiveness and ability that truly seems to be working for them. I don't know...some of the things were so intentional and so well thought out...makes it harder to accept it was not within the ability to choose right or make the correct choice. Ugghhhh...hard to know...but I'm trying!
Peacedove - Some of the things that my husband has done have been very intentional and well-thought out too.

The other day he intentionally broke into our home using a lock smith because he was desperate to see me. I had kicked him out several days earlier and taken his house key.

So in an emotionally desperate state, he had a key made by a locksmith and then he hid out in the apartment while I was in the city at a wedding reception knowing that I would come home eventually and then he would finally be able to see me again.

Then...while he was already in the house, he was texting me, asking if he could see me that night and telling me he loved me.

He already knew he was going to see me tonight, (because he's in the house and eventually I will come home) and yet he's asking if he can see me knowing full well that I won't even have a choice.

This was his addictive mind in action. Tricking. Deceiving. Scheming.

I, not knowing that he was in our apartment, texted him back saying we could talk about getting together later tonight when I got back to the suburbs.

Little did I realize at the time that he was manipulating me and planned the whole thing out.

He even carried his shoes up from the bottom of the stairs so that when I walked in from the garage, I wouldn't see them down there with the other shoes and know that he was in the house again.

It was *that* well planned out. And when I called him out on it, he admitted that he had already planned this out a long time before he did it.

People who don't suffer from addiction don't do that to people they love.

Manipulation is one of the symptoms of my husband's addiction.

With the continued grace of God, I may cease to be surprised by it.

Rather, I can know that this is one of the symptoms of his condition and I can take care of myself knowing that I may on occasion be exposed to it.

And in the meantime, I can have compassion for my husband because I know that he is a child of God, he loves me tremendously, and deep down he does not want to be hurting me and putting me through crap.

The fact that "he" continues to manipulate me points to the fact that it is not my husband. It is the beast doing the manipulation.

My husband, from my perspective, is helpless to this beast.

This is what Step 1 is about:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/addiction. That our lives had become unmanageable.

He is powerless over this beast living in him. I am powerless over it also.

The shadow of addiction, the beast of addiction, has him right now and it is covering up his LIGHT.

But, I choose to believe and remember that his Light is there.

It seems like my husband should see the difference between right and wrong -- he's a grown man, after all!

But when the shadow of addiction is cast over him, he is not capable in that moment. He is powerless.

With my Higher Power's continuous help, I will stop taking the symptoms of my husband's condition personally.

These concepts are definitely hard to accept intellectually -- I struggled with that too. That's why the steps are so important, I think.

They help take me out of my mind and into a SPIRITUAL SOLUTION so that I can receive help and guidance and wisdom from my Higher Power.

Are you attending Al Anon, PeaceDove? If so, have you considered getting a sponsor to help guide you through the 12 steps?

I read in some of the materials that our willingness to reach out for help can be seen as one of our greatest character assets (when we're doing our inventory for step 4)...

So I just wanted to acknowledge that willingness in you and me and Beav's dad and ALLFOR and all those reading and those here on SR...because we've done something to help ourselves and that's a BIG DEAL!

Big hug,

ShineBright
shinebright7 is offline  
Old 04-26-2013, 01:53 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
crazybabie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Shinebright, I love the way you worded your post beautiful. I have been working hard on my steps yet still resentful and sometimes just plain out angry thanks for your post.
crazybabie is offline  
Old 04-26-2013, 02:15 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Thanks formsharing your insight. Your husband's actions were creepy--I'd be scared having somebody hiding in my house. You sound like you have been able to detach which is good. It still creeps me out.
bluebelle is offline  
Old 04-26-2013, 04:38 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
shinebright7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by bluebelle View Post
Thanks formsharing your insight. Your husband's actions were creepy--I'd be scared having somebody hiding in my house. You sound like you have been able to detach which is good. It still creeps me out.
It absolutely was scary when I realized that I wasn't in the house alone. I was putting my things away on the counter and saw movement out of the corner of my eye as he peeked his head around the bedroom door at like 1:15 in the morning.

He wasn't intending to scare me, but I was definitely shaken by it and was also angry.

But in those hours that passed after that, and the hours we spent talking to each other the next day...that's when I saw him switch back and forth between being consumed by the beast and then having these glimmer moments of clarity.

I needed to see that firsthand -- and this was the first time I had really seen it.

The Beast vs. Child of God

So yeah, it was scary for sure, but it gave way to some understanding that has been super powerful in my recovery. And yes, the detachment with love part is really starting to jive for me. Thank, God!
shinebright7 is offline  
Old 04-26-2013, 04:47 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
shinebright7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by crazybabie View Post
Shinebright, I love the way you worded your post beautiful. I have been working hard on my steps yet still resentful and sometimes just plain out angry thanks for your post.
Good for you, Crazybabie -- We are like flower buds that open according to our Higher Power's time table.

We can't rush our recovery just like we can't rush our addict's recovery.

I didn't see this insight coming and I didn't cause it to happen either.

I just kept showing up to my meetings, (I go to one almost every day), kept journaling, working my steps, meditating, talking with my sponsor, etc. and boom...some sanity, serenity, and clarity appeared and I was the grateful recipient of it.

So glad you're taking steps in the right direction too, CB. Big hugs!
shinebright7 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:58 PM.