lost (sorry its so long :-/ :e136:
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: rochester new york
Posts: 2
lost (sorry its so long :-/ :e136:
I stumbled upon this site looking for help on google for my boyfriend. I am a female, 24 yrs old, currently working part time and going to school full time.
my bf and i have been together for 3 years. here's a condensed history..
i tried to make it condensed as possible.. sorry :-) :
after the 1st yr we moved in together far from my work and friends. he is a musician and is constantly around a "party" scene. i was aware of his marijuana smoking and did not have an issue with it, but was unaware of his cocaine use. (he had previously admitted to heroin use, but it was about 6 years before we knew each other and he had not touched it since then.)
i didnt like being so far away and we started to grow apart for many reasons:
1) our work hours were polar opposites
2) i started to resent him for making me move away from everything i had
3) i was unfaithful and sought comfort in another man that i felt i wasnt getting.
few months had passed and we started to work things out, even though i had cheated he forgave me and we became stronger. it wasnt until he moved into his next apartment closer to the city until i became aware of his crack cocaine addiction. he wanted me to be more acceptable of it, so he would educate me on the chemical and physical aspects of cocaine. (my uncle committed suicide using cocaine so i was absolutley not accepting of it although...) he was very smart and i trusted his knowledge, and i wanted to make sure he was safe. so as an alternative he would rather be able to smoke crack in front of me at his apt and have me hold his keys and money, rather than hide from me and act like a feind.
it got worse from there:
he went up to bad parts of the city to get crack, ended up with a gun pointed at his head, which he wrestled out of the persons hands and shot through the window, scarring his hand.
he also had his car stolen (or taken/borrowed) by a crackhead he had met one night in an attempt to buy crack. somehow (in an unclear way) it was returned to him hours later.
the first time i had approached his habits the only attempt of confronting his addiction that he had made was to switch crack cocaine for heroin. He had said he never liked heroin and hadnt done it for years even before we met. but that was part of why it would help him kick the crack habit.
i could not understand this part. i was a wreck and was seeking any sort of help from friends and ended up getting close again to a long-time male friend. i was seeking happiness and an escape from the chaos so i made a terrible mistake and cheated on him a second time with this friend.
after this happened, we didnt trust me and i didnt trust him. with no trust, and both of us constantly checking up on one another, it seemed like it was a forced move to make it better again. it went alright for a bit, but there would be more and more times where he would ignore me and find more coke.
he disappeared for 42 hours. i worried and stressed, called jails and hospitals all over. went to a friends house who i knew he was with but he wasnt there. he returned back to that house later with more drugs for him and his friends, but they failed to tell me and stop my worrying. when i finally saw him walking outside of a bar i asked him if he was ok and why he didnt call me.
things he told me:
-i was too much up his butt and it was counterproductive to his recovery
-he was doing drugs to feel better cuz he was suicidal, depressed and low self esteem from me cheating on him
-he ran away cuz i only made things worse and wouldnt just love him and not give him lectures.
last sunday was our 3 yr anniversary. we were house-sitting at a friends taking care of their dogs. i get back, his phone is off, my friend meg said she would keep an eye out. on her way to town, he passes her on the road. she had to drive off the road into a yard to avoid him, as he was in the other lane. he hit a mailbox on the opposite side of the street and took off his driver side mirror. she calls me to tell me this as he pulls in the driveway. he was faded on heroin and was passing out driving. i told him he was very lucky to be alive, and started asking where he was and such, but he spent the day dopesick in bed and refused to listen or continue talking on the subject.
he later then said he wished he was dead cuz then he could dream and be at peace all the time and not have to face how much of a failure he was. i told him i would take that seriously when he said it and i didnt want to, but if i felt like it was the last resort that i would make a mental health arrest on him. he said "you want me to kill myself faster? 'cause that's what would do it."
at this point i'm scared. i dont want to be in this position anymore, but i cant walk away or else he says he will either just go "all out" and end up overdosing or kill himself one way or another.he says he wants to quit and he needs my help. i try to give him options for rehab, meetings, counseling, even told him to see a doctor for anti-depressants (but he said "you dont give more drugs to a drug addict") but every option i put on the table he dismisses before giving it a chance. (the only one he said he would do is counseling - so long as i drive him there and make him go cuz he wont on his own.)
what do i do? how do i help him? how do i help myself? is there a safe way to get out of this hell without killing him in the process???
my bf and i have been together for 3 years. here's a condensed history..
i tried to make it condensed as possible.. sorry :-) :
after the 1st yr we moved in together far from my work and friends. he is a musician and is constantly around a "party" scene. i was aware of his marijuana smoking and did not have an issue with it, but was unaware of his cocaine use. (he had previously admitted to heroin use, but it was about 6 years before we knew each other and he had not touched it since then.)
i didnt like being so far away and we started to grow apart for many reasons:
1) our work hours were polar opposites
2) i started to resent him for making me move away from everything i had
3) i was unfaithful and sought comfort in another man that i felt i wasnt getting.
few months had passed and we started to work things out, even though i had cheated he forgave me and we became stronger. it wasnt until he moved into his next apartment closer to the city until i became aware of his crack cocaine addiction. he wanted me to be more acceptable of it, so he would educate me on the chemical and physical aspects of cocaine. (my uncle committed suicide using cocaine so i was absolutley not accepting of it although...) he was very smart and i trusted his knowledge, and i wanted to make sure he was safe. so as an alternative he would rather be able to smoke crack in front of me at his apt and have me hold his keys and money, rather than hide from me and act like a feind.
it got worse from there:
he went up to bad parts of the city to get crack, ended up with a gun pointed at his head, which he wrestled out of the persons hands and shot through the window, scarring his hand.
he also had his car stolen (or taken/borrowed) by a crackhead he had met one night in an attempt to buy crack. somehow (in an unclear way) it was returned to him hours later.
the first time i had approached his habits the only attempt of confronting his addiction that he had made was to switch crack cocaine for heroin. He had said he never liked heroin and hadnt done it for years even before we met. but that was part of why it would help him kick the crack habit.
i could not understand this part. i was a wreck and was seeking any sort of help from friends and ended up getting close again to a long-time male friend. i was seeking happiness and an escape from the chaos so i made a terrible mistake and cheated on him a second time with this friend.
after this happened, we didnt trust me and i didnt trust him. with no trust, and both of us constantly checking up on one another, it seemed like it was a forced move to make it better again. it went alright for a bit, but there would be more and more times where he would ignore me and find more coke.
he disappeared for 42 hours. i worried and stressed, called jails and hospitals all over. went to a friends house who i knew he was with but he wasnt there. he returned back to that house later with more drugs for him and his friends, but they failed to tell me and stop my worrying. when i finally saw him walking outside of a bar i asked him if he was ok and why he didnt call me.
things he told me:
-i was too much up his butt and it was counterproductive to his recovery
-he was doing drugs to feel better cuz he was suicidal, depressed and low self esteem from me cheating on him
-he ran away cuz i only made things worse and wouldnt just love him and not give him lectures.
last sunday was our 3 yr anniversary. we were house-sitting at a friends taking care of their dogs. i get back, his phone is off, my friend meg said she would keep an eye out. on her way to town, he passes her on the road. she had to drive off the road into a yard to avoid him, as he was in the other lane. he hit a mailbox on the opposite side of the street and took off his driver side mirror. she calls me to tell me this as he pulls in the driveway. he was faded on heroin and was passing out driving. i told him he was very lucky to be alive, and started asking where he was and such, but he spent the day dopesick in bed and refused to listen or continue talking on the subject.
he later then said he wished he was dead cuz then he could dream and be at peace all the time and not have to face how much of a failure he was. i told him i would take that seriously when he said it and i didnt want to, but if i felt like it was the last resort that i would make a mental health arrest on him. he said "you want me to kill myself faster? 'cause that's what would do it."
at this point i'm scared. i dont want to be in this position anymore, but i cant walk away or else he says he will either just go "all out" and end up overdosing or kill himself one way or another.he says he wants to quit and he needs my help. i try to give him options for rehab, meetings, counseling, even told him to see a doctor for anti-depressants (but he said "you dont give more drugs to a drug addict") but every option i put on the table he dismisses before giving it a chance. (the only one he said he would do is counseling - so long as i drive him there and make him go cuz he wont on his own.)
what do i do? how do i help him? how do i help myself? is there a safe way to get out of this hell without killing him in the process???
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
I am sorry you are going through this. You are not responsible for his actions, and you cannot control or fix him. You have given him support and options, and he has not accepted them. I won't tell you what to do, but would suggest you figure out what you need for yourself. I will also suggest you go here, because there are great people with honest advice:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,415
Welcome Facepalm 
I think anytime you'vbe been through the kinds of things you've recounted here, and someone is making threats against themselves to make you stay in the chaos...it's time to seriously reconsider the relationship.
That's not love, thats control, in my opinion.
I really hope you'll look at the link Ghostly posted. You'll find a lot of support and experience down there.
D
I think anytime you'vbe been through the kinds of things you've recounted here, and someone is making threats against themselves to make you stay in the chaos...it's time to seriously reconsider the relationship.
That's not love, thats control, in my opinion.
I really hope you'll look at the link Ghostly posted. You'll find a lot of support and experience down there.
D
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