MTSlideAddict

This is really hard for me to say; I am really lonely. My husband is currently not drinking, but I feel it’s a matter of time that something will trigger his addiction. I feel so alone despite having my husband there. I mean, I laugh at times and we share some good times, but I feel like even those times I am guarded. It's like I have a constant fence around my heart and happiness. This has all happened sometime during the tail spin of the chaotic mess of me being codependent and living with an alcoholic. I think I have been hurt emotionally too many times that I am now afraid to let down the guard and truly allow myself to feel much of anything to be honest. I don’t think I can feel anything with HIM anymore. We don’t even sleep in the same room together. He sleeps on the couch and I sleep in the bed, and it’s been that way for years. He may have slept in bed on average of once a month. The thing is, I like it that way. My dog and I get the whole king size bed to ourselves, but I am still lonely. I’m lonely for conversations that touch my heart.

This is probably why I dream of leaving. I dream of traveling alone. I dream that I can one day be happy if I choose to leave. I dream of new surroundings. A space where I no longer wash his socks, move his shoes, clean his used dishes, or clean up messy countertops full of his clutter. This space would be mine. It would be my socks I wash only. My Shoes and dishes. My mess on the counter top. My before dream of a settled family life with a sober version of my husband seems to be fading although honestly I still wish it to come true sometimes.

Why is fear such a huge hindrance to me being happy? I wish I can just be strong and push for my happiness. It seems like my fear is not allowing me to find a clear solution for my future and overall happiness.

lilynic

Don't know if it helps, but I feel very similar to you. you end up living in this limbo because you don't know what to do...

dandylion

Dear MTSlide, I have hear it often said that it is some aspect of the FOG that hold us back when we should be moving forward. F=fear O=obligation G=guilt .

If you know it is your fear--maybe you could begin by admitting to yourself what you are really afraid of. I think having the courage to admit our worst fears to ourselves takes some courage--but, maybe you could START there. Often the fear of the fear is the worst part--in my experience.

These are my thoughts--maybe this will help you a little.

sincerely, dandylion

Al27

Oh my~ it sounds like you are hurting so much. I'm so glad you posted~ everyone here is wonderful. I just posted for the first time recently... I feel very much the same way. Just lonely. AH... Love him, happy he's in recovery, but am very lonely. It seems to be a trend. Are you in al anon?

Recovering2

I heard someone say in a recent AlAnon meeting that he realized his happiness was waiting on the other side of his fear. And the only way to that happiness was to get through the fear.
Do you go to AlAnon? It's a great place to safely confront what's holding you back. You may not even know what that is, but you may recognize yourself in someone else's story and learn from them. People share their Experience, Strength, and Hope. It can help you gain confidence in going after your joy.

MTSlideAddict

It is definitely the fear that is keeping me trapped. I feel fear of many things. Mostly I fear the fight the marriage ending will cause. I fear losing the dog to him in a legal battle. I fear how this will effect my niece. I fear not being able to support myself. I fear losing the comfort. I fear the unknown. I just need to figure out how to gain the courage to face the fear. Afraid of feeling the fear sounds fitting for me too.

I love this. Thanks for sharing. I think this sums it up. I see the happiness sitting just on the other side of my fears. Now I just have to take that step into the fear and come out the other side. I haven't been to Al-Anon in awhile. It did help me get to where I am now. Believe me I feel I have come a long way. You're right; it would be wise for me to make the time to go again. There is only one meeting in my city and that is a Spanish speaking meeting, and I don't speak Spanish. There are a few in some nearby cities though that my lazy self could attend on one of my days off.

P.S. I spoke too soon earlier; my husband has caved to his addiction tonight. So tonight after my ten hour shift I picked my niece up from work, came home and took care of my neglected dog, packed a lunch for work tomorrow, and I went up stairs to my beloved sanctuary while he was, and still is, passed out. I showered and watched my show I missed this past weekend with some candles lit. Now, I'm sitting here just as lonely as ever with my dog cuddled to my side while looking at SR from my iPad and glancing down periodically in sadness to where I set my wedding rings that normally do not leave my finger. I'm going to do a meditation before bed. Hopefully, tomorrow I will feel less perplexed.

outonalimb

(((MT)))))

My heart goes out to you. I lived in limbo for years before divorcing my exah. He had periods of sobriety but they were always followed by relapse. I too had a fence around myself emotionally. I used to come home from work just like you and retreat to our bedroom...my sanctuary. And when my exah finally came to bed, I would tense up and actually pray that he wouldnt touch me or try to interact with me in anyway.

I do think it was fear of the unknown that kept me frozen in place in a sad, lonley situation. I prayed. I meditated. I talked to friends and family but none of them really understood why I didn't just file for divorce. I suffered for years. The ONLY thing that helped me find clarity was going to al anon, finding a sponsor, and working the steps. I wish I had gone years earlier. I know it might seem like going to al anon is just another chore that you have to take care of on top of anything else. I felt like this in the beginning. But the more I went, the more I realized taht going to meetings and working the steps was actually the most loving thing i had ever done for myself. It gave me a roadmap so I could work on myself and make decisions that were based on truth and reality rather than fear and guilt.

I hope today is a better one for you. Keep posting. Keep reaching out.

Hugs..
Mary

LexieCat

Funny thing about fear--Churchill was right when he said the fear itself is what we most fear. It's like we are afraid that if we make the effort then we will be stuck out in the middle of the tightrope with no net, too paralyzed to get to the other side.

In my experience it doesn't work that way. Once you get MOVING, having made a DECISION, each step builds new courage. The first couple of obstacles can freak you out just a little, but as you calm down and work through each one, you feel steadily stronger and more confident.

There is a saying in AA that if we just do the "next right thing" as it presents itself, things will work out. In my experience, that is very true. You don't have to see the total outcome of everything before you begin. Have a general kind of plan, but be ready to make adjustments as needed along the way. Take each step, one at a time. You will be very surprised what you can accomplish that way.

FeelingGreat

MT I'm sorry you're going through the difficult time which you describe so vividly. If no other brilliant career presents itself, maybe you could become a writer.
I takes time to go through the process of letting go; you are moving at your own pace so don't beat yourself up for something you 'should' have done. You'll get there in the end.
I love the thought that you have a sanctuary where you can retreat and think things through. I'm sure that when you're ready and have made your plans, you'll move on.

LifeRecovery

I heard this in an Al-Anon meeting once and it really spoke to me.

"Courage is fear that has said it prayers."

SolTraveler

I SO identify with this. I have a plan to travel with my oldest daughter (age 12 now) the summer after things blow up here, if they do. Planning a vacation with the ABF is a pain - his primary concern is drinking and meeting people. I don't really care about "making new (drinking) buddies." I just want to see a new place and relax. I could do that with my daughter. With him... I think it would be just like being here for him, just a new place.

But anyway, gotta have something to look forward to.

And I am so sorry, MTSlide.

When you are ready, you will know. And if that time is now, I agree with the others who said to make a general plan. If you can, put some money aside. Make a general budget and figure out how much you need to get by. Research divorce in Texas. Maybe have a free consultation with a lawyer. That way, when you feel it is time to go, you will know what you have to do.

Making a plan doesn't mean that you have to do it now. It just means that you are ready, in case.

CeciliaV

I'm with SolTraveler here. Planning is good. A just-in-case fund is a great idea. I hope I never have to use mine, but it's there if I need it. And I put together some budget numbers to see what I can do on my own if need be. Knowing I can figure out how to get by financially on my own is comforting. I don't want to find myself in a situation where I have to figure all that out on the fly when emotions and stress are high.

m1k3

MT (((((hugs))))

I know where you are coming from. I was in the same place 2 years ago. What happened to me was that after another relapse something simply snapped. I had to leave, no doubts, nothing. I HAD to leave. Just like a switch had been flipped.

I will also say I do not regret leaving at all. There were hard times and scary times and all sorts of stuff to deal with but you know what, I dealt with it, I got past it and now there is no way I could ever see myself going back to that relationship no matter what she does or how much recovery she has. It's over and I'm glad.

Your friend,

petmagnet

A couple months ago, I was in your spot exactly. Living with this horrible sense of lonliness and feeling incomplete without my life partner in general. I was feeling very sorry for myself. I guess my one question for you as it was for myself, would be, is there any love left at all in the relationship? If not, then I agree with the others that it is time to move thru the fear and continue forward w/o the relationship. If there is some level of love- which still lingers in mine, dispite the many issues, then try to learn to detach the person from the disease. It's not easy, and for me depends on if there is any functionality left in the person. My determining factor was that he still has a job, he has a few sober days here and there, he doesn't bleed our bank acct, he doesn't cheat. Make a list of the pro's and con's of your marriage. Does one side out weigh the other? Are the cons something you can fix yourself? Like vacationing with a sister or best friend? Spend awsome quality time with the kids, nieces nephews, pets. Can you be happy filling in with other things, hobbies and people, if he isn't "there"? I think you're in the grieving state of this process. It sucks. I know! My AH failed recovery 101 too. But I decided it is, what it is, for now and have decided to stay. I have as others suggested learned my options as far as seeing an attny, and have a plan just in case. I believe in being prepared. But as far as the future, who knows. For now I am going day by day. I try not to wander into the future. I am prepared if need be, but I do not dwell there too long. It's a scary place for us choosing to live w our A's. I hope you find some resolutions for yourself soon and find a comfortable place to exist with or without him if need be.

atalose

A friend told me that there are two words that have the power to make or break you. Two words that keep you stuck in a miserable situation: I CAN”T

It’s amazing the power words have over people.

 I can’t leave my alcoholic husband
 I can’t support myself
 I can’t take care of myself
 I can’t support my children
 I can’t ever find a new parner

Two words that changed my life: I CAN

 I can let go of the people and situations that stand in my way of happiness
 I can find a good job
 I can afford to live on my own
 I can take care of myself and my children
 I can find a healthy and supportive partner
 I can live a happy and peaceful life.


Two words have the power to make or break you. In order to change my life, I had to stop believing I can't and start believing I can.