FireSprite

This isn't an emotion I'm comfortable with or have experienced a lot in my life. I tend to be more the "glass-half-full", "things-can-always-get-worse", "count-my-blessings" type of person. But lately, I've been overcome with these jealous feelings & I'm hoping it's just a phase of my recovery that I have to just grin & bear & make it through.

I'm so jealous of those around me in relation to how their successes measure up to our setbacks, mostly. Buying new cars, houses, taking dream vacations, etc. I'm having the HARDEST time being happy for others and I've NEVER been like this!

I worked hard my entire life, in a career/field I don't particularly care for but that provided us financial security. I had a solid financial plan & my partner's addiction & poor decisions landed us just this side of bankruptcy - all of our savings, his retirement savings (not significant until you factor in the growth), our incredible credit score/history.... gone, gone, gone over the course of about 4 years & our debt has risen almost equally - previously we were debt free with the exception of our mortgage.

He is working his arse off to get things back on track, but it is a much longer road to putting the pieces back together than it was to tear it apart. I'm not 20-something any longer with a gung-ho "We can do it!" attitude..... the plan was supposed to allow me time at this point in our lives to change careers to something I'm more passionate about, but I can't make that kind of change while we depend on my income so much.

So, I guess I just feel screwed all the way around. No matter how sorry RAH is, it doesn't change the reality that DD & I are making sacrifices every single day NOW because of his decisions THEN. I *hate* that she sees us struggling so much & how much of a Loser I feel like when I have to tell her "no" for something that would not/should not have been a problem.

Can anyone relate? I hate feeling so petty & spiteful!

Terrispots

I think you are feeling completely normal. Its not so much petty or spiteful, its anger about the situation that you are in. And you should be. I think you are just fine.

stella27

I can relate. I am a professional. My XAH comes from a very wealthy family and even though they didn't supplement our income, he lived and spent as though WE were wealthy, and we never were. So my children never heard "no, that's too expensive" when they were tiny and now they never hear it from him - only from me, because although I am a professional, I work for a state agency.

Personally I think it's healthy for my kids and I have felt relieved to be free of the comparing myself to others treadmill, but every now and then, I do wonder why everybody else gets big houses and newer cars and vacations and I am struggling in every way.

So yes. Even though I recognize the gifts of my independence, I am financially poor and I don't appreciate it.

AnvilheadII

you don't sound petty or spiteful to me...you sound like a woman whose life and lifestyle went thru some drastic changes in a short period of time...and YOUR Life Plan got up ended.

a few years back, here at work, i was contemplating taking a 6 month sabbatical which is an option for long term employees (i'm in the 20+ year category). i had JUST started a writing course and thought how wonderful it would be to devote myself to that FULL TIME, without all the distractions etc. putter around and wait for my muse to awaken!

it wasn't but a month later that my assistant in our admin dept of two told me he was going to retire in a few months. due to our funding woes "we" decided NOT to hire a replacement, "we" decided "I" could do it all.

bye bye sabbatical. hell, bye bye VACATION. poof, just like that it went from being the dawn of a dream to vaporized.

i realize the situations are not the SAME, but i think i understand to some degree what you are feeling. try to just yourself feel what you need to feel...disappointment, disillusionment, disenchanment, dis s*cks...whatever. grieve a bit...you HAVE suffered a loss.

Florence

I suffer with this a lot. My sisters married "well" and have huge incomes, gorgeous homes, new cars, big vacations. In the past I had a lot of resentment about this -- especially since I was saddled with a ton of student loan debt and my sisters had their educations paid for (thanks, Mom and Dad!).

I just... don't feel that way anymore. Not towards them anyway. I'm still mad at my parents. I'm jealous of being left out while my sisters were included in all the fun vacations and whatnot. It's my mom, not them.

My ex, my son's dad, is a lifetime freeloader who has lived of his mother's hard work. She's bought him three houses (not kidding) since he's been an adult. Imagine what you could spend your money on if you didn't have a mortgage to pay! Well, he spent it. Tons of new, stupid cars, giant TVs, the newest gadgets. He's a giant douche, pardon my language.

I also look at my STBXAH's family. His parents are very wealthy. They have $10,000 Christmases every year between themselves and their two adult children, meanwhile they get me, like, body wash, and I watched them open crazy expensive presents and a lot of them. They like to "keep things equal" between AH and his sister, so, for example, this past year they sent him to rehab and bought his sister a house. Totally equal, right? A couple of years ago, they paid for his rehab again, and got her a new car. You can hear my eyes rolling, right?

I... struggle. Finances are not my strong suit and I like nice things and want to enjoy the spoils of my hard work. I have a lot of student loan debt. A lot of it. But I can say that everything I have in my life is mine, I earned it and I paid for it, and I don't owe anyone jack. That feels pretty good, especially when looking at my peers.

Also? Let's drop the whole "American Dream" thing. Maybe it used to be that hard work guaranteed Americans a comfortable lifestyle, but not anymore. For most of us, we're just going to work our asses off for the majority of our adult lives.

Yeah, this sucks. I tell myself that this is what nights and weekends are for.

SolTraveler

Yeah, I struggle with this too. In my case, I am a professional with a decent income - I can fairly easily take care of my 3 (soon to be four) kids with minimal support, and I do mean minimal, from my 2 exes. I get so angry sometimes when I see friends from my childhood who did not work nearly as hard as I did, and still do, and they have gorgeous houses and cars, the works. And why? Because they did not have my codie issues and they valued themselves and found a partner who valued them as well and actually contribute to their marriage.

Sigh.

But I think you have every right to be angry. I would be as well. Your feelings are normal and even though they are not pleasant to experience, it doesn't mean that you do not have a right to them.

Al27

I can relate in a slightly different way~ I am having the worst time being jealous but it's not about other people's things its like I can't bear to see pictures of couples on Facebook anymore, happy photos, or sappy movies, because my marriage is going downhill despite everything I do. I'm trying soooo hard to fix everything and it's like a bitter stone wall with recovering AH... He just doesn't care about us anymore. like at all!! An example is our anniversary a few months ago, for no reason he wanted to cancel our fancy anniversary dinner plans (he tells me while I was getting dressed up and doing makeup) and so a huge fight ensued, ended with me sobbing. Well we didn't go, no cards, nothing. I've been so very very sad ever since and he's just ignored it. I've brought it up a few times and he's been like "yes whatever we'll have a do over when I'm ready but just get off my case" so the jealousy rears its ugly head when a few days I saw on FB that one of my good friend's husband posted a big picture of them and said how "10 years ago today I met the love of my life. My amazing wife. Etc etc etc" and it made me so jealous, I still feel like a horrible person for being so selfish. I should be happy for all of my friends instead of wishing for what I don't have.

LexieCat

I felt like I was going to be stuck with debt for the rest of my life due to the bad choices I had made in male companionship. I was making good money but basically living paycheck to paycheck for the last 15 years or so of my career. Then I retired, hoping I would pick up a few extra bucks doing SOMETHING that would allow me to at least have some hope of paying off the debt in my lifetime (also having a never-ending series of home ownership disasters).

Things can change in a heartbeat. All of a sudden I got this great second-career job, doing interesting stuff, traveling, and having money to have fun (when I can find the time to do it, that is!). And by my calculations, within a couple of years I should have all my debt paid off with the exception of the mortgage--and with the other bills paid off, I can throw extra money at that, too.

I get how you feel--I used to look at my friends taking great vacations and living in a much more relaxed way because they hadn't made some of the dumb decisions I did. But now I am getting some rewards for my perseverance all those years, not giving up, keeping a good credit rating, working hard at my job. I don't know that I "deserve" everything I have right now, but I sure am grateful for it.

Your life won't look the same way ten years from now. And when good stuff does come along, you will really, REALLY appreciate it.

SolTraveler

That is great, LexieCat - thanks so much for sharing that. I am also emerging from the financial hole created by the men in my life (well, MY poor decisions regarding the men in my life, in my case).

It is nice to know that it is possible to undo the financial mess. Sometimes it seems that there is no end in sight.

FireSprite

You ALL have made me feel so much better. I really appreciate all the different perspectives.

Florence - WOW, just... wow. That is a whole new level of insanity I can't even comprehend, although, yes I can. I've seen stuff like that between families when we work with multi-generations. It's baffling to say the least.

Al27 ~ Although it isn't the same as what I am going through now, I can absolutely relate to the feelings you describe. When my RAH was actively drinking, I went through the same thing & it seemed that there were unbelievably, over-the-top happy happy couples everywhere I looked. In reality though, what I saw on the surface wasn't always a true representation of their relationship. It was hard to be around nonetheless. ((HUGS))


These feelings generally pass in some time I just feel like I've been stuck in a rut with it not passing as quickly as it should; or maybe, as quickly as I would like. It just goes against my grain, but then again, maybe that's another codie reaction (if the "grain" is really just the habit of putting others feelings first... hmmm..... maybe that's part of my lesson in all of this).

The reality is I KNOW that this is temporary & I keep saying that OUT LOUD to myself.

It hasn't helped things that RAH has been working 2 jobs & literally gone day & night & after a few months of that schedule it just gets to you. We have a few well-earned days off coming up next week & actually have some really good family time planned, so I'm sure I'll be able to recharge a bit & get the big picture back into focus.

petmagnet

I totally get you. That's where my jealousy came in as well. I finally realized my marriage is what it is. I always got that kick to the stomach feeling when I saw a "healthy" relationship bragged up. I tend to think now, and maybe it's still jealousy or just plain cynicism, or my way of dealing, but I think, yeah, ok, and what is really going on behind your closed doors? FB should be renamed bragg book. All that ever comes across is the good, oh so wonderful, stuff. It's not reality land. This, where we bear the truth here, this is a sample of reality land. I wonder how many of the perfects on FB cruz alcoholism, drug, porno, or infidelity/ addiction sites secretly. I know I'd never air my nasty dirty laundry with my superficial FB friends. FB is nothing but a look how perfect I appear place. We all have issues, rich, poor, marriage, kids ,sex, family, or addictions... no one is perfect, and it helps me to remember that.

unsureoffuture

You are grieving the life you "could have had" or "should have had". Its a normal feeling. You are feeling the loss of what could/should have been your life. It is not fair and you have every right to be angry, sad etc etc etc. I understand exactly how you feel and I feel this way when I look at other people's marriages. They have an "invested" partner who loves, supports and works with them on a daily basis. I have none of that. Mine is so lost in his own issues he cannot be that person for me. It's so sad.