LaughAway

My RAX recently went to court to receive his sentencing for his DUI. He received a 36 month sentence which includes: 6 months of house arrest, 30 months of daily breathalyzers 3x's a day, and license suspension for 270 days. This is his 4th DUI, 2nd in less than 5 years if anyone is questioning the sentencing.

I feel that I have just been put on house arrest for 6 months as well. I know it sounds crazy but other than going to work he can't leave the house. So therefore I will have to endure his complaints, anger, frustration and so on because he can't leave the house. I will be asked to become his "errand girl" and I assume if I refuse the task I will endure more anger.

How do I cope with this? Why do I feel like a am the one who has committed a crime?

HopefulmomtoD

Jewel- is he your husband? I'm a little confused by RAX? I know how you feel in someways. My RAS just got his license back- so while I can't say I ran errands for him- I did take him to AA meetings and back and forth to work. It was his first (and hopefully his last) DUI and there were days I resented it. I definitely felt like I was being punished to.

Only you can decide how much you are going to do for him and how much you are going to take. Are you going to alanon? There is NO reason you should have to take abuse in your home. Why are you willing to accept that behavior?

fourmaggie

you make choices and you can set boundaries...you dont have to feel SENTENCED...this is not your fault...none of this is....

your happiness should be 100 percent approved by YOU, no one else...

have you thought of a 12 step program like Al ANON? now is the time to do so...you will receive so much insite on how NOT TO INGAGE...

more of my friends will give you some better insites...have a read around the past forums...

ooh ya...trust me there is gonna be alot of QUACKING...start learning them too...

fedup3

I'm so sorry Jewel, it seems the only crime all of us committed was marrying them.

AnvilheadII

i think it's a good idea to set boundaries and guidelines NOW. you do NOT have to ENDURE any of his moaning, anger, etc because he is suffering the consequences of HIS actions. 4th DUI - he's damn lucky he isn't in prison for vehicular manslaughter or assault, for injuring, maiming or killing someone. you are NOT his step n fetch it - if he's allowed out of the house to go to and from work, he can most certainly make a quick stop and get whatever he needs.

he should be grateful and humble that he's been given the chance.
if he maintains ANGER and indignation i believe that says a LOT about his TRUE character. and that more than anything is what i would begin to question.

LaughAway

He is my fiancé and a recovering alcoholic (RAX). We have been together for 4 years. So I have seen him at his worst moments, watched him struggle with alcoholism, dealt with the frustration of feeling controlled by him because of his disease and his DUI's...and now house arrest and breathalyzers for 3 years! This is a machine he keeps at home and it goes off at certain times (1:30AM for instance) and I don't feel like I should have to be woken up nightly for this....BTW he has been using this device for over a month now because he blew dirty on his once a day breathalyzer.

Huge fight broke out last night because I asked him to sleep in the living room with his new lovely piece of equipment....this is not good. He won't see that I'm suffering and I am just as hateful as can be about the interruption at night.

So what do I do? I can't force him to go somewhere else and sleep. And when I went to the living room he just followed me yapping on and on about how he doesn't deserve to be treated like that.

AnvilheadII

if he now has the home installed device for 30 days, i presume that he must have been drinking some 31+ days ago? i'm struggling to see the upside and RECOVERY of which you speak here? and i don't hear at all where YOU are being valued and respected by someone you plan to marry. that concerns me!

m1k3

Jewel, if you consider this a prison sentence think what being married to him will be like.

Your friend,

Florence

I wouldn't marry a guy that had legal issues surrounding his grown man choices and behavior. I would be reevaluating my relationship, and planning my exit.

That's me. I married the alcoholic. Eight years later, we're getting a divorce and you couldn't pay me to relive those eight years again, good times or not.

LaughAway

I use the word "recovery" because he went to partial hospitalization for treatment. He asked the court if he could go to avoid jail time for blowing dirty while out on bail. I personally think he should have went to jail....just because I think he should suffer for what he did.

And I agree, I am not being valued nor respected from the person I am to marry. He tells me I need to stop looking back at what happened and start thinking about the future. Well, I haven't completely let the past go. He hurt me emotionally and I have endured it for many years and as far as the future......I get to look forward to his BS.

I have made my fair share of mistakes. I have said hateful, horrible things that were uncalled for to him. I admit and take responsibility for my actions. He however, tends to hold me responsible for the root of all arguments and frustration in our relationship.

LaughAway

I've asked him to leave. Go stay with his mom or dad for a few days. Just to get some space or persepective and he won't.

My only option is to move out. I have tow children and he is one person. Why do I have to go? Can I make him leave?

suki44883

I really hope you will reconsider tying yourself legally to someone who treats you that way, in addition to being an alcoholic. Learn from those of us who made the mistake. I think you deserve better and I'm sure your children do.

Seren

Well, no, not if you decide you deserve a better future, you don't. That decision is, however, up to you. We cannot make it for you. It does make me sad that you seem so resigned and sad. Sending hugs!

m1k3

Jewel, look at the way he is treating you. Now, is this what you want your children to learn?

Your friend,

LaughAway

I suppose bottom line is I need to man up (well women up) put my damn foot down and say " No more". I am tired of feeling angry, used, and forced into situations I should not have to deal with. I am in charge of my own happiness and this person in my life doesn't get to control me.

Florence

I wouldn't let it go! Past behavior is an excellent indicator of future behavior.

As far as whether or not you can make him leave... My AH left willingly, I guess. I kicked him out for drinking and I changed the lock on the door. I didn't give him much of an option.

honeypig

That's more like it! Do some more reading here, get yourself to an Alanon meeting or 10 if you can...your life w/this guy is NOT set in stone. As I have seen others post here regarding similar situations, why should YOU work harder at his "recovery" than HE is? That sure struck a note w/me when I read it and thought about my own situation....and as others mentioned, it doesn't actually sound as if he is in recovery at all.

dandylion

Dear jewel, in alanon you would find others who have dealt with these same kinds of problems and who have been affected by living with this disease. They will understand--and not judge you.

You don't have to live like this--and, I am sure that you as a mother--realize that the vulnerable little children don't deserve this?

sincerely, dandylion

LaughAway

For the most part I feel as though he is doing what He "has" to to get by. However, there have been some positive changes. He can't drink for 3 years otherwise it's jail!!! HaHa!!! And in jail he can't drink either.

It's not just him I am angry at. I am angry at his mother for enableing his behavior. She does not know what I have endured for the past 4 years. She is like a horse with blinders on and refuses to believe that her son has a problem. She is looking to blame someone for his actions....like me.

Carlotta

You could always move out or even better, if he gets out of hand, kick him out and let him deal with his PO. You don't have to be a prisoner in your own home you know, the only bars holding you in are the one you set for yourself.