caliblondie

Hi. I'm reaching out because I am struggling with what my SO has done to us, and to our relationship in her addiction. I was blown away when last week she told me she was having an affair (I am a woman as well). I'm coming to the realization that although she didn't relapse in drugs or alcohol, she relapsed in impulse control.

I am having to examine what our relationship truly was in a whole new light. I think I was fooling myself all along, thinking that she was doing fine in her own recovery when truly, she wasn't. And even deeper issues like the fact that she probably wasn't the right one for me and that there were many, many signs leading up to this.

I'm trying not to blame myself but it's really hard not to. The difference between blaming yourself and figuring out what your role was in it seem so hard to decipher.

I hadn't been working my program either. I had gone to Al Anon at one point, but mostly in "support" of the recovery she was doing after a relapse that she had. But then we both stopped working the program. I'm trying to get back into Al Anon best I can although I think some people in my life are thinking, "Why? You aren't the one with the problem?" But I can't just be focused on her recovery. I have to admit that control is my drug and as a result, I need a 12 step program to help me recover from my own relapse.

Anyway, I'm just doing what we all do -- reaching out to find some understanding in the situation. It seems especially hard because as far as I know she isn't drinking so this isn't a relapse into the standard addict behaviors that I was expecting could crop up at some time.

DreamsofSerenity

Relationships can be very addictive too, especially when they are affairs. I was addicted to relationships for years; they were my DOC. So yes, I think you are right to assume her affair is a relapse of sorts.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Crazed

This happened to me as well - twice after EXAG got sober (rehab) she cheated within a few months. Personally, I think it was a "transference." She could not get her "high" from alcohol anymore, so she sought it through the excitement of another relationship. Lets face it, when you get in a new relationship, it is exciting and can be "a high."

Her sponsor referred to it as going to a "Bottle with Legs."

But it doesn't make it any less painful. I am sorry you are going through this. Having her drunk, or having her cheating - they are both pretty bad options.

AnvilheadII

sorry for the latest chapter. is this a deal breaker for you, an ongoing affair? i hope yuo aren't rationalizing in your head that because it's a "relapse" it's acceptable? cuz YOU, m'dear, deserve WAYYYY better.

Shadydeal

I am sorry and I also know how very painful this is too! I never understood it myself sober or drunk but in my XABF the behavior was the same! What I have learned (still trying) is we are best worrying about ourself and trying to except that we can only change ourself and how we react to things! I found that I was in love w/what he could have been but never who he was . Hoping you find peace and healing.

SolTraveler

Wow - I am so sorry. That is just terrible.

I agree with Anvilhead - you absolutely do not have to accept her behavior.

smacked

This may have absolutely nothing to do with recovery or lack thereof.. she may just be a cheater.

LifeRecovery

I can't type to if affairs and alcohol are related for the loved one in my life who struggled with both.

They both made me FEEL similar. Out of control, completely at fault and nuts. Though I did not struggle with the fact that he lived with a disease, I did struggle that he was not interested in help (or working on our relationship).

Recovery helped (Al-Anon helped ALOT) for both. Learning about detachment, learning what was mine (and what was not).

I celebrate three years in Al-Anon this week (and three years from the finding out about the affair). I was only with my qualifier for four of those months. I am sorry you are hurting and hope you can get some support.

LadyInLimbo

Do not blame yourself. Mark where you know you saw the red flags and walked past them, but use this as a learning experience.

I am struggling with the blame issue as well. Only it's coming from a different perspective. I know that I ignored the red flags, but I don't feel that this means my child and I deserve the horror we are experiencing.



I went to my first al-anon meeting today. I hope you can go back often.

NYCDoglvr

My heart goes out to you, such a painful experience. Going back to Alanon is a very good idea because now you need the support. It simply doesn't sound like the relationship you're seeking .....