Really? How can that be?
Co-dependant Control Freak
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 85
Really? How can that be?
I often wonder if I really am damaged/affected by my alcoholic mother and other family members or if it is just an excuse, or if it was all that OTHER crap that did the damage. How could I be THAT affected when she didnt even raise me? A basic background...
My mother was an alcoholic, she is now passed, 15yrs ago at the age of 46 she died of colon cancer. She didnt raise my sister and I. Dad and Mom divorced when we were 4/5 and Dad got custody because of Mom's drug and alcohol problems. We did go up to visit, though not frequently. I have few memories, and the ones I do, are not great.
We flew up to visit during summer break for a couple weeks usually, I think. Spring and Christmas breaks also. But that all ended while I was still in elementary school, I would say around 9 or 10 years old maybe. Then I didnt see her again until I graduated high school. So how much damage could be done?
My memories are mostly of being taken to bars, mom leaving us alone a lot, coming home late, drunk, with men we didnt know. She never hurt us physically, she was a happy drunk. We would drive somewhere and she would stop for "one" beer and not come back to the car for hours. So yes, some ugly stuff.
Then Dad remarried when I was 9. Stepmother and dad dont drink. SM was not only mean but abusive (to me, not sister) physically and emotionally. To this day even. We were never allowed to discuss it, any time there was a family problem the rule was it was hushed up and not talked about. If we dont talk about it, it didnt happen. I wrote my dad an 8 page letter about it when I was 20 and he never responded. This might be disfunctional, but not alcohol related.
As a teen I was put in a situation with my aunt and uncle where he was really drunk, and phsycotic. Beating up my aunt, screaming, crazy, and I was in the room protecting the kids. We were all scared out of our minds. I was able to get out and call police, eventually.
My older sister ended up an addict, drugs, alcohol, etc. Caused a bunch of family chaos, went to rehab. Joined the navy and moved on.
I had originally married a man who had never exhibited problems with violence while we dated, but became very controlling, depressed and violent. I divorced him within a couple years. I have ZERO tolderance for violence, yelling, anger. etc. But again, not alcohol related.
My sister and I ended up living together once after my divorce. Living with her ended very badly, with physical violence directed at me, other times we lived in the same town or town next to it. So, pretty close.
My sister has had relationships with men who are alcoholics, beat the tar out of her, etc. She just left her addict/bum husband and is now living with me temporarily.
Several years ago, after my divorce, problems with sister and such, I attempted suicide. I went to counseling, took meds, went to Al Anon, "recovered". Or so I thought.
My sister is still an active drinking alcoholic. I always feel sorry for her, I am usually a bit self righteous in feeling that my life is so much better than hers and I have made so much better decisions, but I HAVE! (see?) I always feel like I have to help her fix it.
Now, here is my question, yeah, my life is FULL of disfunctional crap and trauma that has happened to me, some of it involved alcohol, but not all of it. Is it the alchoholics or the abuse that has caused me to be so stinking damaged and carry around so much baggage?
My mother was an alcoholic, she is now passed, 15yrs ago at the age of 46 she died of colon cancer. She didnt raise my sister and I. Dad and Mom divorced when we were 4/5 and Dad got custody because of Mom's drug and alcohol problems. We did go up to visit, though not frequently. I have few memories, and the ones I do, are not great.
We flew up to visit during summer break for a couple weeks usually, I think. Spring and Christmas breaks also. But that all ended while I was still in elementary school, I would say around 9 or 10 years old maybe. Then I didnt see her again until I graduated high school. So how much damage could be done?
My memories are mostly of being taken to bars, mom leaving us alone a lot, coming home late, drunk, with men we didnt know. She never hurt us physically, she was a happy drunk. We would drive somewhere and she would stop for "one" beer and not come back to the car for hours. So yes, some ugly stuff.
Then Dad remarried when I was 9. Stepmother and dad dont drink. SM was not only mean but abusive (to me, not sister) physically and emotionally. To this day even. We were never allowed to discuss it, any time there was a family problem the rule was it was hushed up and not talked about. If we dont talk about it, it didnt happen. I wrote my dad an 8 page letter about it when I was 20 and he never responded. This might be disfunctional, but not alcohol related.
As a teen I was put in a situation with my aunt and uncle where he was really drunk, and phsycotic. Beating up my aunt, screaming, crazy, and I was in the room protecting the kids. We were all scared out of our minds. I was able to get out and call police, eventually.
My older sister ended up an addict, drugs, alcohol, etc. Caused a bunch of family chaos, went to rehab. Joined the navy and moved on.
I had originally married a man who had never exhibited problems with violence while we dated, but became very controlling, depressed and violent. I divorced him within a couple years. I have ZERO tolderance for violence, yelling, anger. etc. But again, not alcohol related.
My sister and I ended up living together once after my divorce. Living with her ended very badly, with physical violence directed at me, other times we lived in the same town or town next to it. So, pretty close.
My sister has had relationships with men who are alcoholics, beat the tar out of her, etc. She just left her addict/bum husband and is now living with me temporarily.
Several years ago, after my divorce, problems with sister and such, I attempted suicide. I went to counseling, took meds, went to Al Anon, "recovered". Or so I thought.
My sister is still an active drinking alcoholic. I always feel sorry for her, I am usually a bit self righteous in feeling that my life is so much better than hers and I have made so much better decisions, but I HAVE! (see?) I always feel like I have to help her fix it.
Now, here is my question, yeah, my life is FULL of disfunctional crap and trauma that has happened to me, some of it involved alcohol, but not all of it. Is it the alchoholics or the abuse that has caused me to be so stinking damaged and carry around so much baggage?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
I don't like the idea of labeling myself as "damaged". The label gives the dysfunction in my life more power than it should have.
I know the way I deal with emotions and relationships are not healthy. I am very mistrustful and bury my emotions so no one can see them. I know that comes from the very early times in my life, when I was 100% dependent on undependable people.
I'm working on overcoming that. I try to give trust where I don't feel it. I try to express my emotions and not hold them in. Even when I feel like expressing my emotions will embarrass me or make me vulnerable. I focus on spending time on people who honor that trust and set boundaries with people who abuse it.
Our emotional reactions to others form when we are children. If you can't trust your mom, who can you trust. When Dad supports the don't talk about it, it pushes you to not trust your feelings. You wanted to talk about it. You wanted to scream and cry for help, yet you were told you were wrong for wanting help. So, now, we don't ask for help. We may want it, but it still feels wrong.
I'm trying to get over how it feels, and do what I think is right. More logic and trying out the results. Initiating seems to be the hard part. Once I do something healthy and expressive it feels really good. The difficulty is overcoming the inertia, the fear that maybe it's wrong, or selfish, or stupid or whatever we were told when we were little.
I know the way I deal with emotions and relationships are not healthy. I am very mistrustful and bury my emotions so no one can see them. I know that comes from the very early times in my life, when I was 100% dependent on undependable people.
I'm working on overcoming that. I try to give trust where I don't feel it. I try to express my emotions and not hold them in. Even when I feel like expressing my emotions will embarrass me or make me vulnerable. I focus on spending time on people who honor that trust and set boundaries with people who abuse it.
Our emotional reactions to others form when we are children. If you can't trust your mom, who can you trust. When Dad supports the don't talk about it, it pushes you to not trust your feelings. You wanted to talk about it. You wanted to scream and cry for help, yet you were told you were wrong for wanting help. So, now, we don't ask for help. We may want it, but it still feels wrong.
I'm trying to get over how it feels, and do what I think is right. More logic and trying out the results. Initiating seems to be the hard part. Once I do something healthy and expressive it feels really good. The difficulty is overcoming the inertia, the fear that maybe it's wrong, or selfish, or stupid or whatever we were told when we were little.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South Pacific
Posts: 171
[QUOTE=Terrispots;3935481]I often wonder if I really am damaged/affected by my alcoholic mother and other family members or if it is just an excuse, or if it was all that OTHER crap that did the damage.
Well, adult children guess what normal is. Because the adult in our life have not modelled normal. At least not all of them...
...the biggest tool, I think, we use is the serenity prayer:
[God] Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Ter, you have described your life and family so well. A lot of us can relate to it. By comparing notes we can establish a bond of trust. We have so much in common...
DavidG.
Well, adult children guess what normal is. Because the adult in our life have not modelled normal. At least not all of them...
...the biggest tool, I think, we use is the serenity prayer:
[God] Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Ter, you have described your life and family so well. A lot of us can relate to it. By comparing notes we can establish a bond of trust. We have so much in common...
DavidG.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
Maybe it could help not to look at your decisions and whether they were correct or better/worse compared to anyone else's, but are you happy, do you regularly feel joy, do you feel connected to others in meaningful ways.
In other words, what would you like to get from recovery?
In other words, what would you like to get from recovery?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
A toxic family is toxic, whether the "cause" is alcohol, drugs, or the way the other members of the family were raised. Children who were sexually abused and grow into adults who believe this is "normal" may go on to sexually abuse in turn (not all, but some) and may not see anything wrong with it. And that may have nothing at all to do with alcohol. Or drugs.
We learn how to exist in the world by following the examples of those around us. If the behaviors modeled are toxic, we learn to both live in a toxic environment and often to perpetuate that environment because it's what we know, it's what we're comfortable with.
Was it the alcohol? Who knows? Does it matter? Not one jot. You had a toxic childhood. You are now trying to undo the mess that was created by living in a toxic environment. Now YOU can make your own choices about who you want to be, how you want to be treated and who you will associate with.
So. What kind of person do you want to be? And how can you become that person?
Those are the questions I've asked myself for a good 20 years. I'm a much different person now than I was 20 years ago. And I don't regret one bit of it.
Gin
We learn how to exist in the world by following the examples of those around us. If the behaviors modeled are toxic, we learn to both live in a toxic environment and often to perpetuate that environment because it's what we know, it's what we're comfortable with.
Was it the alcohol? Who knows? Does it matter? Not one jot. You had a toxic childhood. You are now trying to undo the mess that was created by living in a toxic environment. Now YOU can make your own choices about who you want to be, how you want to be treated and who you will associate with.
So. What kind of person do you want to be? And how can you become that person?
Those are the questions I've asked myself for a good 20 years. I'm a much different person now than I was 20 years ago. And I don't regret one bit of it.
Gin
Co-dependant Control Freak
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 85
Thanks Ginger, I think that may be what I was looking for.
I also started reading a book called "After The Tears", and it seems it is just as you stated: Toxic is Toxic, whether it comes from alcohol or from some other abuse.
Even though my SM was not an alcoholic, she had MANT of the same behaviours, which I never thought about until the other day.
Reedling: Yes, I am happy. I regularly feel joy. I have a great husband, a good job, a great daughter and a very nice peaceful life - when I dont let the toxic people in!!
I have landed back in Al Anon because I have let the toxic people back in my life and I dont know how to get them out without EVERYONE (except DH & DD) being mad at me.
I also started reading a book called "After The Tears", and it seems it is just as you stated: Toxic is Toxic, whether it comes from alcohol or from some other abuse.
Even though my SM was not an alcoholic, she had MANT of the same behaviours, which I never thought about until the other day.
Reedling: Yes, I am happy. I regularly feel joy. I have a great husband, a good job, a great daughter and a very nice peaceful life - when I dont let the toxic people in!!
I have landed back in Al Anon because I have let the toxic people back in my life and I dont know how to get them out without EVERYONE (except DH & DD) being mad at me.
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