Manipulative alcoholic

Old 04-25-2013, 08:05 AM
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Manipulative alcoholic

I've never posted on a forum before, but here goes...

My brother is 21 years old, and has struggled with alcoholism for 3 years now. Ever since he started drinking heavily his personality has completely changed, it’s like he's becoming more and more manipulative every day. He's not only mentally abusive but sometimes physically as well.

It’s gotten to the point where my mum (who suffers from depression and a personality disorder) has been constantly crying and feeling really ill. My brother constantly tries to guilt trip her into thinking it's all her fault he drinks (He’s never taken the blame for ANYTHING). My mum is the main target of his manipulation, and I think this is because mentally she's more vulnerable because of her mental health problems. He will say to her ‘It’s your fault I drink so it’s your responsibility to buy my beer’ or ‘If you don’t buy me beer I’ll kill myself and it’ll be your fault’. Everyone can see that he’s manipulative other than my mum.

Recently he’s gotten so much worse. A few months ago he was trying to wake my mum up in the middle of the night for money, so he could go to our local 24 hour ASDA. I heard the commotion and went to see what was going on, and saw him hitting her to try and wake her up (she’s hardly been sleeping, so she wasn’t waking up easily). I shouted at him to stop it, to which he told me to go away and started hitting her again. At which point I pulled him away from her, and he turned his anger on me. He was getting in my face saying he was going to hit me, whilst I was trying to calm him down. The next thing I know I’d been punched in the face (hard), he looked like he was going to do it again until my fiancé (who had been woken up by the noise) ran into the room and put a stop to it. The next day when my mum talked to him about it he laughed, said I deserved it and he hoped he’d broke my face. I had every intention of reporting it to the police, but when I mentioned it to my mum she begged me not to. He has her wrapped around his little finger and it’s so frustrating what he’s doing to her. After this incident it calmed down for a little while, until recently (about a week ago) when I was defending my mum because he was trying to manipulate my mum again. I ended up having an argument with him about how he treats people and he came towards me like he was going to hit me again, but my mum held him back until he calmed down. Since then he has threatened to kill me numerous times, saying that I’ve driven him to it. I was that scared by it that I started blocking my bedroom door off at night and have been getting panic attacks. I really want to move out with my fiancé but I’m so scared of leaving my mum alone with him, she nearly 60 and isn’t getting any younger. My mum has tried everything to help him but he doesn’t want to help himself. She hardly has enough money to feed herself (or replace the doors he’s punched through because he couldn’t get his own way) because he’s drained her of all her money to feed his alcoholism. I just don’t know what to do.

He just doesn’t seem like my little brother anymore, and I feel I’ve lost him. Can alcoholism make a person behave like this?

Thanks for taking the time to read.
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Old 04-25-2013, 08:26 AM
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Welcome to SR.

Yes, alcohol can cause these behaviors as it alters the brain.

Alcoholism is FAMILY disease, and the FAMILY can contribute to this pattern by shielding the alcoholic from the real consequences of their behaviors.

Who else would you allow to punch you in the face, threaten to kill you, allow to strike your mother, AND NOT REPORT TO THE POLICE? You see, because he is a FAMILY member, the FAMILY is trying to shield him from otherwise criminal acts.

So unless something changes, things will get worse. Because alcoholism is progressive, both for the alcoholic, and for the family around the alcoholic that is shielding them from natural consequences.

This is NOT to say the family is to blame for his drinking. That is HIS and HIS responsibility alone.

The family's responsibility is to determine, and uphold, what is acceptable behavior in your household.

Your mother needs protection. You are NOT protecting her by NOT reporting your violent brother to police. Please know this. Again, this is not to blame, but to provide perspective that alcoholism is a FAMILY disease.

Others will be along shortly with more support.

CLMI
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Old 04-25-2013, 09:14 AM
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Welcome to SR, and I am so very sorry for your situation.

You NEED to report your brother's behavior to the authorities - it will only get worse and you need to think of this as self-preservation, for you and your mom. Just because he is drunk at the time of the abuse doesn't make it OK, and it's not fair to your 60 year-old mother (and you, your fiance, anyone) to be subjected to threats or live in fear.

Stay strong! You will find lots of support here!
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Old 04-25-2013, 09:35 AM
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I know how you feel. You are in a horrible position. My brother is a 40 year old addict who lives with, and emotionally abuses my mother. I've struggled to know how to deal with it my entire life. (Before he started drugs at age 13, he was a major behavior problem).

I used to fight with my brother all the time, with similar results to your fights with your brother. He's not physically abusive anymore (probably because he knows I WOULD call the cops), but he is extremely verbally abusive. Having grown up with me, he knows exactly what to say to REALLY hurt me. Consequently, I am still very scared of him. In fact, the entire family is scared of him which is how he controls the situation. Anyway, my standing up to him on behalf of my mother did absolutely nothing except make me sick. I finally realized that I am no match for the demon of addiction.

I looked into doing some sort of intervention because like you, I am worried about my mother. However my therapist said it would never work because my mom is so heavily enabling him. So now I've given up. I don't have a relationship with him, and I only see my mom at my house. I'm working on my own recovery which apparently is all I can do.

My advice to you is to move out as soon as possible. I just don't know how you will stay healthy if you don't. It's too hard to see two people you love so much self destructing without getting dragged into it yourself. You can't protect your mother unless she wants protection and is willing to do the hard work necessary to learn how to detach from your brother.

Objectively speaking, you should call the cops and report your brother for punching you; it would be the healthiest thing for everyone involved. However, I understand how hard that would be because you don't want to hurt or alienate your mom. Just remember though, when your mom is asking you to protect your brother from his actions, she is doing it from a place of sickness, not love.

If you can't move out, go to Al Anon ASAP and keep posting here. You really need to focus on saving yourself right now.

Hugs to you
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Old 04-25-2013, 09:43 AM
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Also, you are young. Don't make the mistake I did and let your family's sickness cast a shadow over YOUR life. Give yourself a chance to have the best life you can have which means not carrying around a bunch of crap that isn't yours.
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Old 04-25-2013, 10:05 AM
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Thank you so much for your replies and support. I was a bit dubious in joining a forum and telling people about this, but I really wanted to hear from others in the same situation, people that understand it more.

I realise I should have reported him for the sake of my mum and myself. I know it would really hurt her if I did, but at the same time it would protect her and be better in the long run. I stayed with my fiancé's family for the night after he had hit me (they're some of the only people that really know about the situation). When I told them I was thinking of reporting him they told me it would be best not to because it could ruin my relationship with my mum. Now I really wish I had reported him and have vowed to myself any more violence and I will.

I've called the police a few times in the past, and every time I have they don't seem to take it seriously, they just give him a slap on the wrist and off they go. In fact they seemed to get frustrated that they kept getting calls from us about him.

It's just so horrible seeing him constantly put my mum down. When she gets upset and cries he shouts at her, telling her she's got nothing to cry about because he's the only one going through hell. He tries to turn people against each other as well. For example a couple days ago he said to me that my fiancé doesn't love me, that my friends all hate me etc. He just seems to take joy in putting others down.

Thanks again.
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Old 04-25-2013, 10:25 AM
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DreamsofSerenity - Thanks so much for your post, and I know exactly what you mean when you say they seem to know exactly what to say to hurt you the most. I've tried so hard to console her after he's put her down but she doesn't take in anything I say, only what HE says. She's convinced that everything is her fault and so takes the blame for all of his actions. It's hard to see her like that, she's such a lovely person and was always an amazing mum to us. It effects her physical health too, she has recently got a heart murmur and her blood pressure is through the roof. It must have been so hard for you too move on from it all, Thanks again for the post it helps so much to hear from someone in a very similar situation.
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Old 04-25-2013, 10:42 AM
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Andrea, it sounds like your mom is also afraid of him, could be the reason she doesn't take in anything you say. Fear makes us all do things we wouldn't normally do. Please call a family abuse line, seek some help for you and your mom.
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Old 04-25-2013, 11:01 AM
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My mom is afraid of a lot of things: his abuse, what will happen to him if she quits letting him abuse her, facing her role in who he has become, etc. My mom is also a really good person and is so healthy in her interactions with the outside world. She is an ACOA though and a huge codie/enabler. It's so hard because I love her so much yet I am so angry with her sometimes about her denial and fear.

I try not to think about my brother because the whole thing makes me so sad, and when I feel sad, I can fall back into enabling. I know with absolute certainty that my brother will never recover while living with my mother.

Andrea, you get to a point where you just have to detach. I'd love to see you do it sooner rather than later. The fact of the matter is, you have a whole beautiful life ahead of you, and being in the middle of your mother and brother is only going to detract from your happiness.
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Old 04-25-2013, 11:07 AM
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If your mom is willing to discuss it, you could try to get her into Al Anon and therapy. Aside from that, I don't see what else you can do.
I'm coming from my own situation where I don't see my mom as a victim of my brother; I see them both in a sick relationship of mutual destruction. But like I said, my mom has really enabled my brother his entire life. There might be more hope for your mom; I don't mean to sound so pessimistic about the whole thing. However the bottom line remains: it is not your job to fix it.

And my mom has high BP too..
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Old 04-25-2013, 11:49 AM
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I am sorry I am probably not qualified to comment on this thread because I am from the 'other' side, but your situation makes me feel mad and sad.

Why should you and your boyfriend have to move out?
Why should you have to leave your mum?
Why can't your brother move out and spread his misery elsewhere?

I am glad you are here, but I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you.

I hope you continue to come and get the wise advice of the experts here.
Remember too, we have al-anon in the UK.
In time perhaps your mum might come with you.

My best to you x
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Old 04-25-2013, 12:07 PM
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The 1st step in al-anon

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (and the alcoholic) and that our lives had become unmanageable.

We learn to walk on egg shells so we don’t upset them more. We jump through hoops believing that if we please them today life will go smoothly tomorrow. And then they change the game plan and those things we tried in the past that brought us a little relief don’t work for us today.

Without even realizing it, we have taught the alcoholic how to treat us. We’ve shown them exactly what we will put up with. He knows he can push your mom around and there are no consequences in fact he’s rewarded for it, she buys him beer or he gets money. Just like there were no consequences for assaulting you.

When you have called the police in the past – what was your purpose in doing that? Was it to have them calm him down? Did you want them to tell him he needs to treat you and your mother better? What were you expecting the police to do if you weren’t willing to press any charges?

If you can’t get your mother to attend al-anon or seek counseling then you need to do it for yourself!!!
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Old 04-25-2013, 04:17 PM
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This whole thread is hard to read, my life has been very similar with my brother and parents. He has been an abusive alcoholic most of his adult life, and has also lived with them most of his adult life. He is now 49, and still lives with them. He never physically hurt them, but the emotional abuse/manipulation took a toll on their health. The blaming, the guilt, it was awful. I tried really hard to get them to see it, to help them get out of the situation. They would ask for help, then find a million reasons why they couldn't follow through with anything. They would get upset with me then for pushing things! They just wanted everyone to be quiet so my brother wouldn't get upset.

DreamsofSerenity is right on the money. I was powerless to do anything about their situation. They weren't going to change, and I was getting sick by being caught up in the chaos. I finally had to make a painful decision to step out of it. I had to detach completely from my brother, and stay away from their house. I see my parents when they come to my house, but I don't go to theirs. I focus on making them happy in my own way. When they're at my house I don't bring my brother up. I don't make suggestions etc. It's a sad situation, but it's keeping me out of the chaos. Now, if I ever saw my brother physically assault anyone...anyone....I would not hesitate to call the cops.

In "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie, the Jan 4th reading is about Separating from Family Issues. It's a beautiful reading, and helped me with my decision. AlAnon would be a huge help to you, I hope you find a meeting near you.
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Old 04-25-2013, 04:31 PM
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i can understand the fear you have, you never know how far a person will go when they are an addict let alone behaving in the way that he has. I would call the police BUT as that would probably cause problems...i would look for another place to live and then when witnessing his abusiveness call the police.
I would suggest finding a place to live seperate from the relationship that is unhealthy going on here between your mother and him.
i know you said you do not want to leave your 60 year old mother alone with him and i can understand that but there isnt much you can do being there either in my opinion. hes going to do what he is going to do and shes going to allow it to happen. perhapse you should speak with your mother when your brother is not present and ask her if she would go with you to an alanon meeting. this would be healthy for the both of you and possibly help her to see what she is truly dealing with here. she is not dealing with just "her son" nor is she dealing with someone who is "like her" as she probably feels like her having a personailty disorder puts her in the same boat as him. he needs help and your mother is trying to be doctor. it never works.
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Old 04-25-2013, 04:44 PM
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Can you check to see if you have anyone in your area familiar with Elder Abuse laws? Possibly they could give you some good advice as well since he is clearly abusing her-physically and emotionally. Sorry you are going through this. You do not deserve it and neither does your mom. Hugs.
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Old 04-25-2013, 06:06 PM
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It sounds like he is out of control. And while you mention your mum has a personality disorder, it sounds like your brother has the disorder. Wth no consequences for his unacceptable behavior, nothing will change.... Other than getting worse.

Seriously, who punches their sister in the face? It is criminal, anti-social behavior. Drunk or not. Next time take photos of any marks he puts on your body, and call the police.
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Old 04-26-2013, 07:33 AM
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Thank you all for your comments, your replies are really helpful

I have considered al anon before, as there is a meeting that's held 5 minutes from were I live. I've just been too scared of going, I had really bad social anxiety disorder in my early teenage years and although I got treatment and am a lot better these days, I still get a bit panicky in face to face social situations with strangers. I might give it a try, but I really don't think I could convince my mum to go too. Definitely worth a try though.

My mum never used to give into him too easily, but now she doesn't even put up a protest, I know it's not her fault but it's really frustrating sometimes. Around a year ago she told him if he went out and bought more alcohol, she wouldn't let him back in the house. So when he came back with a large bottle of vodka she locked the door. After about 10 minutes of him pleading with her he started trying to kick the door down saying he was going to kill us when he gets in. When that didn't work he picked up a garden chair and tried to break the windows with it, at this point I locked me and my mum in an upstairs room and called the police. My mum was in hysterics and couldn't stop shaking. I think after this she became scared of him, as she just stopped putting up any kind of protest against him.
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Old 04-26-2013, 07:41 AM
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Can't u ask your mum to go with u to help u with your anxiety. Just tell her you need to go to a meeting and could do with her help to get through the first meeting. She may like it
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Old 04-26-2013, 08:20 AM
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Maybe the police would be more helpful if you and your mom met with them during a time of NO drama. Make a plan w/them for the next crisis, they can explain the options to your mom, if she can get some sort of conditional restraining order, etc, etc.

I waited a long tiime to go to Al anon b/c of my anxiety. Since I began going, my anxiety has lessened and I have so much more peace in my life. best of luck to you and your mother.
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Old 04-26-2013, 09:09 AM
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This is a fairly certainly GREAT IDEA from fairlyuncertain
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