help4hubby

Hi all! First time user here. I'm desperate for some advice from someone who has gone through an experience similar to mine whether as an addict or a loved one of an addict. I'll try to quickly sum up my current situation. ANY and ALL input/advice is so very welcome! My husband is a recovering drug addict and he has recently relapsed. He has a very extensive drug history. He abused cocaine, heroin, pot and pain pills. He went to prison for 5 years for drug related charges. He has legitimate pain issues as well from a car accident that further complicate this situation. All of his injuries and arrests and drug abuse was before me. Meaning I never saw him at his worst and I wasn't around for any legal trouble. We began dating after he got out of prison and I was well aware of his situation because we are both from the same small town and had gone to school together from kindergarten through high school. We have been married for one year and together for about 2.5 years. He smokes pot daily and very recently I discovered that he had been abusing pain pills I'm not exactly sure which ones. I confronted him and told his stepdad about it who is also his boss. The 3 of us had a long conversation and I thought we got everything out in the open. I found out a few days ago (on our 1st anniversary) that he had been abusing suboxone for the last 2 months even during our heart to heart with his stepdad. I truly don't know how I could be any more supportive at this point. I promised all along to be supportive if he ever slipped up and that he never needed to be afraid to come to me and that I would not react in anger. I told him that I would not however tolerate dishonesty. Unfortunately that's exactly what I've gotten. In light of the most recent relapse I went to his mom and stepdad. He has been in rehab 4 times before and refuses to go back. Initially he said that he would go to counseling but now that his parents have lined up a family friend to act as a sponsor he says he feels he doesn't need any other help. He has quit taking suboxone and is now detoxing. My question is, should I insist that he go to counseling or seek some sort of professional help or is meeting with this sponsor going to be enough?

melivinsober

No way. Meeting with your sponsor is helpful, but he'll definitely needs something else. I go to AA, counseling, my sponsor and I still find myself searching for extra help, be it friends or information on the internet. He needs to be fully immersed in this for it to help him.

instant

what does he want? don't work harder than he does- it doesn't work in my experience

Mizzuno

I agree with Instant. Your husband has to want to get help. What does he want? He may only be getting help because he was caught. I dont know the ins and outs, only what you stated. Is he serious about stopping? If he is, he will be putting in as much effort as you are.

help4hubby

Thank you both so much for the input! It really helps to hear from someone who is objective. He now says that he doesn't want to go to counseling. He thinks that talking with Mike (sponsor) will be enough. I disagree but I know I can't force him. I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable by wanting him to go in the first place...

FeelingGreat

You've got a couple of issues here; one is that he has stepped over the boundary you set for him, which was no dishonesty. Did you have a consequence set out in your mind if he lied to you? Because he may do it in the future and you need to be clear with yourself whether it's a deal breaker. If it isn't, then probably best not to make it a condition.
The second issue is his addiction and how committed he is to recovery. It's not about how committed you are. If he refuses to do more that use his sponsor, then you have no choice but to go along with it, but think about the likely path of his addiction and whether you are willing to stay around if he isn't willing to recover. What is your bottom line?
The dynamics around the mother/stepfather relationship are complicated by his employment, but there may also be some child/parent dynamics which are not helpful with an adult addict. For instance will his stepfather sack him if he continues to use?
So sorry if I sound too cold; I know you must be going through a lot of turmoil. I'm sure the other people on this forum will have a lot of wise advice. Look after yourself.

help4hubby

You make a lot of great points and I appreciate your input. I'm very close to my in-laws and they have made it clear to me that they will support me no matter what I do. To further complicate the situation, the house that my husband and I live in is ownedy m y in-laws and we rent it from them. I'm really not sure what will happen if we separate, if he will leave or if I will have to. I am in such a mess right now. I refuse to cry because I'm afraid I'll fall to pieces. I know I have to stay strong no matter what I decide. This site is really my only outlet at this point so I'm pretty much just venting. Thanks to all for the advice it's very welcome and appreciated.

help4hubby

Well I'm feeling a bit more hopeful today. My husband lined up an appointment with a counselor. I still feel like he's only doing it bc he's afraid of losing me. I want him to want to be healthy and clean for himself not for me. I suggested that he speak with an addiction specialist rather than a counselor at a facility he went to years ago for treatment (which was unsuccessful). I've spent the day being so angry. I even fought with my mom about my husband. She wants me to leave him and she spent the entire conversation telling me how much anxiety my life causes her and how she was awake all night bc of this. It makes me soooo mad to hear this! It just adds to my stress level. I'm trying so hard to stay calm and strong and to help my husband, now I have to hear about what she wants me to do and how hard this all is for her. At the same time I'm worried she will tell my dad and he will most definitely kill my husband. I can't tell my sis about it right now bc she is studying for finals and worried about graduating. My friends aren't happy with my hubby and don't have many positive things to say. Feeling hopeless at the moment but trying to stay strong. As always, advice welcome!

smacked

Well, you can't insist he do anything.. you can only decide what you're willing to live with. I didn't see you mention kids, but I'm hoping there aren't any involved. He'll do what he wants until he is ready to do something different. Not all addicts get recovered, actually very few do. So far it seems he has little interest in it, other than the people who care about him.. and that sucks, but it's reality. Are you ok with being married to an active drug addict? Are you ok with not having children to expose to the horror of living with an addict? I'm sure your mom is terrified for you and your wellbeing, I don't think it's unhealthy that she is struggling with her boundaries around her relationship with you considering the choices you're making so far.

help4hubby

Smacked, thank you for your input! I have to say it was a little disheartening to hear but I suppose that's the reality of the situation. I completely agree that demanding someone seek help just won't work. He did line up an appt. with an addiction specialist so we will see how it goes. Fortunately we do not have any kids even though we both want them I know that it just isn't smart. I hate so much that my husband's addiction and relapse is causing my mom to worry. You're right, of course she's going to worry I just wish that she would realize that he is my husband and as much as she worries about me, I worry about him. The statistics for drug addicts recovering are not good which is also depressing. Can I ask, are you an addict? Any advice on how I can handle this better? Right now I'm angry and thinking what did I get myself into???

smacked

Have you looked for any naranon meetings in the area? If there aren't any, you could go to alanon (they are meetings for friends/family of addicts/alcoholics). Personally I would recommend focusing on yourself, so you don't lose your way.. if that makes sense. Figure out how to maintain your health in your heart, your mind, you body. Addiction sucks.

Yes, I'm an addict, I've loved people who are addicts, was born of them, I sit on all sides of the fence 'round here. I've been sober for a while.

Post over on the Friends and Family section.. read the stickies. Observe your husband's actions. If he wants recovery, he will pursue it with our without you or your involvement. He'll move mountains (do anything) to get there, when he's ready.

As active addicts we truly don't have a thought about how our own choices are hurting or affecting other people, it's just not within the active thought process. That's not an excuse, it's awful.. but it's the way it usually is. Most of us never used because of anyone else, nor quit because of anyone.. you're not that powerful as we say around here. If love alone could cure this, these boards would be empty.. there's lots of love, and lots of pain here.

Step back. The recovery journey is his job, his experience.. there are a zillion resources out there for him to pursue. Please never ever believe that you're required to support his recovery for it to be successful, or that any part of it is something you 'should' help with.

It sucks to love an addict, some of us do get well though.

Anna

I agree, step back. Take care of yourself. Set boundaries that have consequences that protect you. Allow your husband to seek help for himself.

least

Why are his parents lining up the sponsor? He's an adult, he should do that himself. Another thing: if I were in his place I'd be unlikely to "tell all" to a "family friend". That's the whole point of counselors - they're unrelated to you and won't go drop your name to family and friends.

I don't blame you for being upset with his dishonesty. I'd set some firm boundaries on what you will and will not tolerate from him. And if he does not respect those boundaries, well, then maybe it's time to separate. Living with an addict brings pain. I know. I was a wino.

help4hubby

Good point! His parents set it up before he even knew that I had gone to them with the news of his relapse. I'm not sure how close they are with this guy. He was a guy that my husband's stepdad used to work with so he's more of an acquaintance than a friend but I think that you make a couple of very good points. He says that he doesn't want to go to NA meetings bc they are just "war stories". His mom and I both worry that hearing other addicts talk about getting high could be a bad thing. Does anyone find these meetings helpful or not helpful? Is this just an excuse not to go?