He's avoiding jail time by deciding it's time to be sick
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He's avoiding jail time by deciding it's time to be sick
So early in the morning after my husband was sentenced to just seven measly days in jail (how dare I?), he decides it's time to care about his diabetes.
He is in the local hospital, pleading for pity. Only he's not going to die. No, he's just managed to get his horrible public defender (who trashed my character) to appeal the jail sentence. I'm calling the commonwealth attorney tomorrow, and tell them that his diabetes has been present for years, and that he didn't care about it when he was drinking.
I went without breakfast and lunch so this man could afford his insulin. Every day for quite a while. I would drink as much coffee as possible, and eat a big dinner. I went without clothes, for years I put him and my child first.
His defender painted me as such a bad person, and I'm still angry about that. Now dude is getting out of jail time. I feel like my civil rights are being infringed upon; I need to move somewhere else and start anew, I cannot live on my social security here. I cannot afford to live in this area. And I don't want to move south in this state. I have support elsewhere, but I am forbidden to leave because his sperm met my egg. And at no time has it been discussed, just how harmful this man is to MY special needs child. That awful public defender got up in my face and corrected me! How dare he?
I am my husband's next of kin. He has no contact with his other family. He was posting pitiful pictures of himself in his hospital bed on facebook. No one has responded, not even his daughters. I called him to see what the status of his health was. Under the terms of the protective order, I can call him with regards to our son. I thought he was dying (not that this horrible state will care, they keep painting me to be a ghetto statistic out to hurt this innocent man). I was prepared to let my mother take my son to see him one last time, and tell him I forgave him (even though I have not really, but I didn't want him to die with that on his mind). He told me what he was trying to get his lawyer to do, and said to me, "well, you're going to get what you want anyway."
And hung up.
He is telling everyone that I'm just trying to put him in jail. He keeps lying to people, who ALL believe him, and they're ganging up on me. I have no family to help me. Legal aid is just for the day you are in court around here, the first time I tried to get a protective order, my attorney had me in tears, telling me how sorry my case was. I just want to escape this.
How can I protect my child when I'm not even allowed to say in court how much he's being hurt? All they keep doing is asserting that he is essentially a joint piece of property. They keep telling me to save it for the custody hearing...which is obsolete, because under the terms of the protective order I have sole custody for two years.
Now that horrible sociopath is going to try to get that invalidated (watch his attorney suggest it...strange how he gets continued advice and I do not...I have to keep re-applying and waiting weeks for them to call me, while his crap is on call). And if he succeeds, my baby is going to be hurt.
I hate this state. I hate this man. And I honestly feel like it's going to come down to him or me, but he's like a roach after a nuclear blast. He keeps crawling up out of the freaking abyss!
He is in the local hospital, pleading for pity. Only he's not going to die. No, he's just managed to get his horrible public defender (who trashed my character) to appeal the jail sentence. I'm calling the commonwealth attorney tomorrow, and tell them that his diabetes has been present for years, and that he didn't care about it when he was drinking.
I went without breakfast and lunch so this man could afford his insulin. Every day for quite a while. I would drink as much coffee as possible, and eat a big dinner. I went without clothes, for years I put him and my child first.
His defender painted me as such a bad person, and I'm still angry about that. Now dude is getting out of jail time. I feel like my civil rights are being infringed upon; I need to move somewhere else and start anew, I cannot live on my social security here. I cannot afford to live in this area. And I don't want to move south in this state. I have support elsewhere, but I am forbidden to leave because his sperm met my egg. And at no time has it been discussed, just how harmful this man is to MY special needs child. That awful public defender got up in my face and corrected me! How dare he?
I am my husband's next of kin. He has no contact with his other family. He was posting pitiful pictures of himself in his hospital bed on facebook. No one has responded, not even his daughters. I called him to see what the status of his health was. Under the terms of the protective order, I can call him with regards to our son. I thought he was dying (not that this horrible state will care, they keep painting me to be a ghetto statistic out to hurt this innocent man). I was prepared to let my mother take my son to see him one last time, and tell him I forgave him (even though I have not really, but I didn't want him to die with that on his mind). He told me what he was trying to get his lawyer to do, and said to me, "well, you're going to get what you want anyway."
And hung up.
He is telling everyone that I'm just trying to put him in jail. He keeps lying to people, who ALL believe him, and they're ganging up on me. I have no family to help me. Legal aid is just for the day you are in court around here, the first time I tried to get a protective order, my attorney had me in tears, telling me how sorry my case was. I just want to escape this.
How can I protect my child when I'm not even allowed to say in court how much he's being hurt? All they keep doing is asserting that he is essentially a joint piece of property. They keep telling me to save it for the custody hearing...which is obsolete, because under the terms of the protective order I have sole custody for two years.
Now that horrible sociopath is going to try to get that invalidated (watch his attorney suggest it...strange how he gets continued advice and I do not...I have to keep re-applying and waiting weeks for them to call me, while his crap is on call). And if he succeeds, my baby is going to be hurt.
I hate this state. I hate this man. And I honestly feel like it's going to come down to him or me, but he's like a roach after a nuclear blast. He keeps crawling up out of the freaking abyss!
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And if my mother approaches me with another one of her "I can relate" stories, because she feels her situation with my father was so much worse (he never abused her; he ran from her...he just slept around a lot), I may hurt her feelings. I have never been tempted to speak ill of my father's memory, but I may just to shut her up. She has been trying to undermine my struggles with my child and his psycho father ever since I got here. Before, she would just tell me I wasn't allowed to talk about it...while she went on and on about my father, who has been dead a decade, and who she divorced 24 years ago.
I feel so hopeless. I am trapped in this state at the mercy of this man. I cannot rescind his rights, if I ask for a guardian ad litem, I might lose my child. I am trapped.
I feel so hopeless. I am trapped in this state at the mercy of this man. I cannot rescind his rights, if I ask for a guardian ad litem, I might lose my child. I am trapped.
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Lady,
You are catastrophizing here. Every criminal defendant gets the right to appeal. They are RARELY granted. Diabetes isn't that uncommon--it is a condition easily managed in a correctional setting. You are automatically assuming he is going to be released from having to serve his sentence.
I suggest that you contact the DV advocate, and find out what you need to do to be able to relocate under the terms of the protective order. You probably have to file a motion with the court to amend the order. Alternatively, contact the family court clerk's office and tell them what you would like to do. They should be able to give you paperwork so you can have your motion heard.
You are so angry and upset right now you are not thinking of solutions. There are ways to accomplish what you want to do, but it sometimes takes some research and determination to get there.
I forget, are you going to Al-Anon? That can be a big help in getting calmed down and focused on what you need to do to get your life where you want it to be.
You are catastrophizing here. Every criminal defendant gets the right to appeal. They are RARELY granted. Diabetes isn't that uncommon--it is a condition easily managed in a correctional setting. You are automatically assuming he is going to be released from having to serve his sentence.
I suggest that you contact the DV advocate, and find out what you need to do to be able to relocate under the terms of the protective order. You probably have to file a motion with the court to amend the order. Alternatively, contact the family court clerk's office and tell them what you would like to do. They should be able to give you paperwork so you can have your motion heard.
You are so angry and upset right now you are not thinking of solutions. There are ways to accomplish what you want to do, but it sometimes takes some research and determination to get there.
I forget, are you going to Al-Anon? That can be a big help in getting calmed down and focused on what you need to do to get your life where you want it to be.
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I go to my first meeting tomorrow. The last lawyer I spoke to told me that I could not legally leave the state; it'd be seen as parental kidnapping. That I have to give him written notice, and thirty days to object. If he does not, then I can move. But he will.
I feel like each time I get on my feet, he pulls something. I just want peace. I'm tired of losing my home, I'm tired of being abused by my mom. I'm tired of my son suffering alongside me. I just want peace.
I will be calling the DV advocate tomorrow, as well. I hope his appeal is denied. I hope so. I knew that he was going to do this.
I feel like each time I get on my feet, he pulls something. I just want peace. I'm tired of losing my home, I'm tired of being abused by my mom. I'm tired of my son suffering alongside me. I just want peace.
I will be calling the DV advocate tomorrow, as well. I hope his appeal is denied. I hope so. I knew that he was going to do this.
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If he does not, then I can move. But he will.
I hope you read what Lexie wrote again.
He can voice his objections, but maybe he is not this big powerful man you make him out to be, and others will see what you do.
He is a diabetic alcoholic facing jail time......
I do not see power here.
Do not give away your power Lady.
I just want peace. I'm tired of losing my home, I'm tired of being abused by my mom. I'm tired of my son suffering alongside me. I just want peace.
You have the power to stop the suffering Lady.
Bring that focus back to you.
All that power you are giving him to effect your life is within you.
AlAnon will keep you focused on what you can change.
It is you.
Beth
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When things went bad wicked, I sat and thought to myself that he would not let go of our son the way he did his daughters. He sees our son as a trophy, yet he cannot take care of him. S***** is in danger with his father. I have not even been able to speak on that in court yet.
Each time that my husband started to rage, my son and I had to flee. I'd go to a shelter, but that is no place for my son. My mom is a borderline; I try my best to avoid her and my stepfather, but it's not easy to do in this house. It's filled with memories. Bad ones.
I try to keep busy, I try to take it one day at a time. But when folks follow you, when they harass you...how do you just shut it off? Every time my son has an issue, my mother laughs in my face. She just now "figured out" that it hurts me when she tells me that it makes her happy when I struggle with my son. He's special needs, it would be nice to get help. But there is none.
I just want a small place for me and my son. If there's not going to be any help, at least let there be peace.
Each time that my husband started to rage, my son and I had to flee. I'd go to a shelter, but that is no place for my son. My mom is a borderline; I try my best to avoid her and my stepfather, but it's not easy to do in this house. It's filled with memories. Bad ones.
I try to keep busy, I try to take it one day at a time. But when folks follow you, when they harass you...how do you just shut it off? Every time my son has an issue, my mother laughs in my face. She just now "figured out" that it hurts me when she tells me that it makes her happy when I struggle with my son. He's special needs, it would be nice to get help. But there is none.
I just want a small place for me and my son. If there's not going to be any help, at least let there be peace.
Last edited by Seren; 04-25-2013 at 07:14 AM. Reason: Minor child name obscured.
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Look, the fact that he may object does not mean you can't move. All it means is that you can't move without a hearing. The law makes provisions for divorced parents who need to move. You may have to work something out so he can have visitation with your son on a periodic basis--maybe supervised visitation--but getting some distance from an abusive situation can be very good for both you and your son, and courts can recognize that as a good reason.
Did you talk to the advocate about your need to find a place to live besides the home of a man who tried to molest you?
Did you talk to the advocate about your need to find a place to live besides the home of a man who tried to molest you?
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Look, the fact that he may object does not mean you can't move. All it means is that you can't move without a hearing. The law makes provisions for divorced parents who need to move. You may have to work something out so he can have visitation with your son on a periodic basis--maybe supervised visitation--but getting some distance from an abusive situation can be very good for both you and your son, and courts can recognize that as a good reason.
Did you talk to the advocate about your need to find a place to live besides the home of a man who tried to molest you?
Did you talk to the advocate about your need to find a place to live besides the home of a man who tried to molest you?
Pretty much what I do to protect him from my parents is keep him with me when he's not in school. I trust my mother a bit more when it comes to him, but I would never leave him alone with my stepfather. The man is 78, but he still has issues.
My goal was to stay in this area until next summer, so that S***** could attend one more year of preschool. I would then move. Even if it's a move into a neighboring city, I'd be willing to settle for that (which it may well have to be).
I can't really afford to live here, but the neighboring city is a smaller, independent city (not a county), and services for those who are poor and disabled come a lot more quickly. Plus, I grew up there and went to school there; the school board admin and a lot of teachers know me. I think it'd be good for S*****.
Ironically, I slept well last night. I figured I'd be up tossing and turning. The al-anon meeting is at 12. And thankfully, today is my son's long day at school. I will be able to go and come home before he does.
Step by step, I guess. Get the divorce finalized first. Visitation, according to the protective order, is on my terms. Have I violated the order by calling him that once? We spoke about our child, which I'm allowed to do. But I'm also his next of kin, and I needed to know the status of his health. I don't want him trying to say that I'm not afraid of him anymore, because I am. But I'm the one who will have to make arrangements if he dies.
We're still going to do supervised visitation (my mom is the person present, there's literally no one else right now), should he get back on his feet. How often, I'm debating that. I have never really wanted to completely separate father and son; that is part of why I stayed so long. S***** spent Christmas with his father, while I contemplated suicide. It has not been easy, but I have tried to accommodate this man. I have tried. But my son cannot speak or advocate for himself. Thus, my husband's addiction is even more of a danger to this child. I have not been able to say those words in court yet. I keep being told to wait for the custody hearing.
I'm feeling a bit more clear-headed this morning. The way he blamed me for his situation was just shocking and hurtful. I feel sorry for him, but he's brought this on himself. And he's alone in this because of his actions.
When I get home, after I make all the phone calls I need to, I'm going to write down a plan of what I need to do step by step to get through this summer with regards to the legal issues.
LexieCat, I deeply appreciate your unique perspective on this. Thank you.
Last edited by Seren; 04-25-2013 at 07:16 AM. Reason: Obscured name of minor child.
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YOU cannot be charged with violating a protective order (unless he has one against you).
It's recommended (and a very good idea) for you not to contact him, in spite of the fact that you can't be charged with a violation.
That's the way to do it--step by step. Keep breathing, and don't let your fears spin you out of control. There is always a way. Keep your focus.
It's recommended (and a very good idea) for you not to contact him, in spite of the fact that you can't be charged with a violation.
That's the way to do it--step by step. Keep breathing, and don't let your fears spin you out of control. There is always a way. Keep your focus.
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I went to Al-anon. I am glad I went. I am going to try to go both times per week, but at least every Thursday. And it's in my old hometown. I plan to take a picnic lunch (or treat myself) every week. I'll probably only treat myself once a month (money's tight), but it'd be nice to sit by the river for a while before coming home. When I was younger, I always felt calm when I went there. Now is the perfect season to go hang around. And I have the perfect excuse.
The people were so warm. I look forward to going back. This is the first time I've been in the presence of such warmth in person for a long time. I feel so much more calm right now.
I have come to realize (and I hope I can keep remembering this) that ultimately, my husband is not going to be able to reach me and my son the way he has been in the past. He has let his health go so far that permanent damage has been done. And this makes him unable to keep my son overnight...ever. Which is good. If I have to just breathe my way through visitation, fine. I can counsel my son and comfort him, teach him about his dad who is ill. My fear has been that he was going to keep going full speed the way he was, and my baby get caught in the crossfire. THAT is what made me want to run away from him. But if he's going through what he claims he is, if what he is saying is true (and I saw that coming in the way he neglected himself), he won't be in any position to harm anyone physically anymore. Emotionally, yeah. But I can learn to detach, and teach my son to as well.
I realize now my focus has been solely on getting out of the immediate situation. Which can't be changed right now. But I can do things differently from day to day, and stop trying to simply pass the time quickly. Day by day doesn't seem as bad right now. That will probably change with the next crisis, but I'll make it somehow. I need to work on me, and I've been thinking about that a lot lately. My self-esteem has taken a hit, my heart is broken. I need to be whole for myself and my son.
The people were so warm. I look forward to going back. This is the first time I've been in the presence of such warmth in person for a long time. I feel so much more calm right now.
I have come to realize (and I hope I can keep remembering this) that ultimately, my husband is not going to be able to reach me and my son the way he has been in the past. He has let his health go so far that permanent damage has been done. And this makes him unable to keep my son overnight...ever. Which is good. If I have to just breathe my way through visitation, fine. I can counsel my son and comfort him, teach him about his dad who is ill. My fear has been that he was going to keep going full speed the way he was, and my baby get caught in the crossfire. THAT is what made me want to run away from him. But if he's going through what he claims he is, if what he is saying is true (and I saw that coming in the way he neglected himself), he won't be in any position to harm anyone physically anymore. Emotionally, yeah. But I can learn to detach, and teach my son to as well.
I realize now my focus has been solely on getting out of the immediate situation. Which can't be changed right now. But I can do things differently from day to day, and stop trying to simply pass the time quickly. Day by day doesn't seem as bad right now. That will probably change with the next crisis, but I'll make it somehow. I need to work on me, and I've been thinking about that a lot lately. My self-esteem has taken a hit, my heart is broken. I need to be whole for myself and my son.
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Attagirl. You don't have to be a hundred percent in balance at all times, but you can be there a lot more of the time. Al-Anon will help a LOT. Keep taking care of you and your son, first and foremost, and the rest will fall into place.
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Welp, the appeal means no jail time for now. I'm not even mad about it anymore. There's so much barreling down the pipe at him right now. I will however get the remainder of mine and my son's belongings from that apartment while he's still in the hospital. The eviction is going to happen, and that's that. I've lost another house full of stuff again, but it's just stuff.
He wants to take the case to a higher court. So be it, I will be there. What a gamble, if they convict him. He might get more time. All this because he doesn't want to sit for seven days. I did write the prosecutor after talking to the DV advocate, and let her know that I would be willing to let him forgo jail time completely, if it hangs over his head should he do something else. However, he needs to get back into the county-run alcohol treatment program (I should have asked for in-patient), as well as the domestic abuse program. The last time he did these, he putzed through them.
In these next two years that this protective order is in place, if he's really serious about getting better inside and out, he can do so. If not, I'll be somewhere else.
But all in all, I feel much calmer today. Que sera, sera.
Oh, and since he agreed to the PO...it can't be undone.
He wants to take the case to a higher court. So be it, I will be there. What a gamble, if they convict him. He might get more time. All this because he doesn't want to sit for seven days. I did write the prosecutor after talking to the DV advocate, and let her know that I would be willing to let him forgo jail time completely, if it hangs over his head should he do something else. However, he needs to get back into the county-run alcohol treatment program (I should have asked for in-patient), as well as the domestic abuse program. The last time he did these, he putzed through them.
In these next two years that this protective order is in place, if he's really serious about getting better inside and out, he can do so. If not, I'll be somewhere else.
But all in all, I feel much calmer today. Que sera, sera.
Oh, and since he agreed to the PO...it can't be undone.
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The last time he did these, he putzed through them.
This makes him unlikely to get many breaks in the justice system.
He is a proven abuser.
There's so much barreling down the pipe at him right now.
I'll probably only treat myself once a month (money's tight), but it'd be nice to sit by the river for a while before coming home.
But all in all, I feel much calmer today. Que sera, sera.
Oh, and since he agreed to the PO...it can't be undone.
Oh, and since he agreed to the PO...it can't be undone.
thank you for posting your update, I am happy for you.
Beth
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