just need advice

Old 04-24-2013, 03:28 PM
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just need advice

I don't even know where to start....
My husband has always been a drinker. He has a pattern of getting really bad..me yelling and threatening..stops for 6 months and then the cycle repeats.
Last June he took two of my four children off roading and flipped the car over while drunk. He did go into therapy, lost his liscense for 3 month etc. Well 4 weeks ago I started to see the signs again. I asked him everytime and even begged his parents to help me. Once I even made him pull over the car because he was so f-ed up I would not allow him to drive our children. I have had to cancel many activities, and events for my kids because I had that gut feeling I could not leave him with our kids alone. I have 4 kids 7,3,3,2. I quit my job as a teacher to stay home and take care of our kids. The other night I found empty bottles of vodka, pot, cigerattes. I left everything on the table (instead of confronting him infront of the kids) he did start going to AA meetings but I just feel like I am done. I need to put my kids first. However I feel stuck. I do not have a job, I can not leave beacuse of the 4 kids. I asked him to leave and he did for overnight. He has been coming over after work to see the kids and that is fine with me (as long as he is not on something).
How do you know when to leave and seek divorce. I have had so many other things happen lately I am not sure if it is him or me. (my dad died suddenly in Oct, I am from Newtown CT and yes I know everyone, I am traing for a marathon and now my oldest is stressed out about me running because of the boston stuff) I am just so mad right now I don't know what to do. He wants to come back and "work it out" but I can not trust him, or trust him with the kids. I just know this is going to happen again in 6 months.
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Old 04-24-2013, 03:45 PM
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He may need an ultimatum. I wish I had been given one before my ex left, I have a drinking problem but I don't have kids or anything so she sort of just let it go, now when we talk (we are on good terms) she says she realizes how bad my drinking has become and wishes she had said something. I can't be sure, but if she had given me the choice of her or the alcohol, I like to think it would have helped me to quit. Each person and each relationship is different, that's just my two cents on the matter. Good luck with everything.
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Old 04-24-2013, 03:53 PM
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I'm new here too, and can't offer you very much advice about healing or handling the situation you are - because I just came here looking for those particular things!
But I did want to say something in regards to the fact that you have children.
My parents divorced when I was 16, they should have done it sooner. Both my parents had problems (both over indulged in alcohol, both were abusive in their own ways, my mother had severe emotional disturbances, just to give you a brief idea) - so it wasn't as clear cut as your situation. My sisters and I listened to them fight every night while we tried to sleep, dealt with all the uncomfortable social interactions - we were children, but we weren't dumb. We may not have understood the finer details, but we knew what was going on.
One night when my mother was drunk and pouring her heart and soul out to me, she went on an hour long talk about the reasons she stayed with him for so long - it boiled down to us. She kept telling me over and over again that she stayed because of us kids. That made me angry, and I still feel very strongly about it.
You are dealing with the safety of your children, so do what makes them safe. You are also dealing with their mental and emotional well being - do what you need to in order to protect those things.
You said: "I cannot leave because of the 4 kids". I think that those 4 kids ARE your reason to leave. There is always a way. But in the end, there are uncountable reasons why your kids don't want to feel like they are reason - you stayed, you suffered, they suffered, etc...
It wont be easy, but you have the best reason in the world to want to change your life and make it better, because it also makes theirs better.
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Old 04-24-2013, 04:16 PM
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thanks for the advice. Stiney just to clarify i can leave and will if he doesn't move out but kids are really little and they are in a routine so it is easier for him to leave than 5 of us. Plus if I leave right now I would have to pull my oldest out of school. Which really is not an option. I hate to say this but I am just numb. This last event I didn't even really get mad. I didn't yell, when he comes over we are fine in front of the kids (they need to see him too). I just feel like we are two people living in the same house and we don't even really like each other. I know drinking is a sickness but when you have kids they come first and they always will. I really feel like everything that has happened this year I have not had time to deal with. I have pushed everything to the side to take care of my kids. Is it too much for him to help me and take care of me? I am also angry becuase his parents say I need to be supportive of him. But what about me. I have had to deal with this for years. Where is my support. I am going to talk to a lawyer tomorrow so I guess my mind is really already made up. It just hurts and is stressful.
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Old 04-24-2013, 04:53 PM
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I am so sorry that you're going through this, I can hear the pain through your words. Yes, you deserve help and some care for you. But No, it will not come from your AH. He is addicted, and their first love is always the substance. His parents may have enabled, and are unable to see the truth of the situation. It doesn't matter what they think, you decide what is best for you and those kids.

This is a progressive disease. The fact that he can roll a vehicle with his own children inside should have stopped him from abusing again. But it didn't. That alone speaks volumes. Stiney is right....read the posts on here from children of alcoholics. There is alot of pain and anger from dealing with A parents. Pulling your kids out of school or changing their routine is a small price to pay in the short term for their long term health.

Your support is on this site, and in the rooms of AlAnon. Many AlAnon meetings have child care available during the meetings. You will find tremendous support, even serenity, in those meetings. Good luck with your attorney meeting. (((hugs)))
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Old 04-24-2013, 04:57 PM
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I was about to type that you need to talk to a lawyer to discuss your options, and I'm happy to see that you are already on that. An interim order can allow you and the kids to stay in the house and require him to move out. It can also require him to make support payments in the meantime.

The other thing you can do to help yourself is to get to Al-Anon. It will help you clear your head so you can make good decisions for your future.

You need to protect your children, first and foremost. He has already endangered their lives--they could have been killed when he flipped the car over driving drunk with them. Threats, yelling, ultimatums do not work. I am four and a half years sober (in addition to having been in two marriages to alcoholics), and one thing I have learned is that alcoholics quit drinking when they want sobriety badly enough to do the hard work involved in recovering.

Hope you will stick around here, too--this is another great source of support.
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Old 04-24-2013, 05:12 PM
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My heart goes out to you! I can't add much more here than what everybody has already said. But I wanted to share with you my experience--my AH would not leave the house. So, after 6 months of telling him he had to find an apartment, DS and I moved out. He now lives in the 4 bedroom house-alone-while DS and I found a place to live, DS had to change schools etc. Was it easy? No. But the peaceful household we have now is worth EVERYTHING I had to do to get us here. Hang in there and do what you can to protect those lovely babies. Oh, and welcome! This place is a lifeline for me and all of us...keep coming back and keep us posted. Hugs.
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Old 04-24-2013, 06:06 PM
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He wants to come back and "work it out" but I can not trust him, or trust him with the kids. I just know this is going to happen again in 6 months.
No, sad to say you can not trust him.
He has proven his unwillingness to become trustworthy.
I am recovering from alcohol.
I got the shivers when I read about him rolling the car.

I do understand how numb you feel. I have been there too, after I got sober and my ex was still using and adding crack to the mix.
Even though I knew better, I still hoped he would stop for his children's sake.
He did not. Never did.

Keep reaching out for help from those who have been there. You now know his parents are not out to help you. It is not your job to "help" him, he is a grown man with a wife and children. He is choosing his way of life.
You choose yours and the best for your children.

So glad you are here.

Beth
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Old 04-24-2013, 08:04 PM
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Kudos to you for not killing him when he rolled the car.

And I just want to add that you are very brave, and I applaud you for making this very difficult step.

(Hugs))
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Old 04-24-2013, 10:14 PM
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I'm in the same boat. Just dropped the wife off at a rehab tonight. I'm really scared by the prospect of raising my two children alone. I don't know what I'm going to do, but it's clear to me that my marriage is over. My wife clearly loves alcohol more than her husband and children. I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just sad. Really sad - and alone.
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Old 04-25-2013, 04:11 AM
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Originally Posted by BuckTheHero View Post
I'm in the same boat. Just dropped the wife off at a rehab tonight. I'm really scared by the prospect of raising my two children alone. I don't know what I'm going to do, but it's clear to me that my marriage is over. My wife clearly loves alcohol more than her husband and children. I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just sad. Really sad - and alone.
Buck, you don't have to navigate this alone. I hope you will find yourself an Al-Anon meeting. You have to get your head clear and your feet under you.

Yes, being a single parent is very, very hard work. Maybe your wife will grab onto recovery and she will regain the ability to parent. Some people do. Even if she does not, though, you can do this. Living with an alcoholic will suck the life and energy out of anyone. Al-Anon can help you get healthy again, for yourself and your kiddos.
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Old 04-25-2013, 04:42 AM
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Originally Posted by BuckTheHero View Post
I'm in the same boat. Just dropped the wife off at a rehab tonight. I'm really scared by the prospect of raising my two children alone. I don't know what I'm going to do, but it's clear to me that my marriage is over. My wife clearly loves alcohol more than her husband and children. I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just sad. Really sad - and alone.
Buck, I wish my wife would GO to rehab and give me some peace and quiet at home. You are not alone - you have this place first of all.

I would rather be a single parent (which I pretty much am anyway, even with AW in the house), then have to deal with a moody, depressed, oft-drunk 'roommate' hanging around creating chaos.

You have been given the gift of peace and quiet - enjoy every second of it. Mark my words - in a couple of days you'll probably be thanking the heavens she is out of the house for awhile.

Blessings and Peace to you,
C-OH Dad
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Old 04-25-2013, 05:48 AM
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Originally Posted by BuckTheHero View Post
I'm in the same boat. Just dropped the wife off at a rehab tonight. I'm really scared by the prospect of raising my two children alone. I don't know what I'm going to do, but it's clear to me that my marriage is over. My wife clearly loves alcohol more than her husband and children. I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just sad. Really sad - and alone.
Comparing Alcohol to Love is like comparing a shoe to a fountain.

The shoe protects your foot but you will still twist your ankle and fall.
The fountain is beautiful liquid art.

The alcohol wants kill your wife and is trying to take her from you and your children.

Your wife loves all of you...try to forgive her for a "disease," she didn't truly understand until it had its hooks in her.

(I still loved my wife with all my heart when I allowed alcohol to try and kill me, it has nothing to do with love) sober since 07/15/2007
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Old 04-25-2013, 07:26 AM
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Originally Posted by jme1976 View Post
I have pushed everything to the side to take care of my kids. Is it too much for him to help me and take care of me? I am also angry becuase his parents say I need to be supportive of him. But what about me. I have had to deal with this for years. Where is my support.
Something my SO told me last week. I was having a bad day inside of a bad week, feeling really low about myself. And somehow we got on the conversation...and I told him I wasn't feeling pretty or good about myself at all and that he wasn't helping. He told me "You need to take care of yourself. I'm struggeling right now, trying to learn how to take care of me. I can't be responsible for you too".
It was awful to hear, and it's still awful to think about - but it was 100% true and appropriate. It's not fair to rely on him, he has his hands full. And in your case, you KNOW you can't rely on him because he's irresponsible and still stuck in the grip of the drinks - his mind is full of all of his regrets, fears, mistakes, faults, etc... He's in a vicious circle, and nobody can say whether or not he will ever learn how to come out of it.
But you are right, what about us. We need support too, I sure as hell did. No way I can do any of this on my own, I've tried for so long just like so many others, including yourself, have. And that's why I came here. I turned to a bunch of perfect strangers, because I needed somebody to wrap their arms around me and tell me it would all be ok in the end....or something like that. More than anything, I just needed to get it all out from inside of me.
He can't be your support. How can he be expected to support you when he can't even do the same for himself? His parents obviously aren't stepping up either. So, INSTEAD of just being upset that nobody is with you on your side of the court - GO FIND SOMEBODY AND RECRUIT THEM TO YOUR TEAM! Your first post was the first step, cuz now you have us. But you could always use more.
Good luck at the lawyers.
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Old 04-25-2013, 07:53 AM
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How do you know when to leave and seek divorce.
For me it was the pain of staying grew more then the fear of leaving.

Change your thinking from I CAN'T to I CAN.....I can go see a lawyer and find out my options if a great big first step.

((hugs))
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