I need to talk to someone

Old 04-24-2013, 01:16 PM
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Unhappy I need to talk to someone

Hi, I'm new to this, and I know that I need to talk to someone and to share - because I've kept so much locked up for so long I feel like I will explode. But there is so much, I don't even know where to start. I feel like if I told the whole story I would be writing all night.
I'm 24 years old, I'm getting ready to start my second year of Vet School. And I am in love with an addict. About a year ago we had trouble with Percocets. I blame myself. And I enabled him for some time, because I saw how much better they made him feel. I forgave him when he stole money from me to buy pills, and I cried myself to sleep when he was so catatonic that I couldn't even wake him. After several tries, and a few small relapses, I think they're finally over. We've moved 4 hours away from all of his contacts.
But now he's here in this place with me, away from everyone he has ever known. And he is having trouble relating to people here, the culture is so different (as crazy as that sounds) - so he can't make friends. About a month ago he went on an awful drinking binge for about 4 days. I came home from class and found him passed out in the living room. When he finally got up, he told me he would stop, and he started going to AA meetings. He's gone almost every night since, sometimes to multiple meetings in one day. But he hasn't been sober the entire time. He's had 1 drinking night a week. It really hasn't been bad, but twice I feel like he moved into excessive territory. He doesn't tell anybody, I'm not sure he plans to.
Last night I asked him what I needed to do to help. What to do when he drinks. How should I act? What should I say? Do I get angry? Do I get sad? Do I leave? I have simply taken the silent path, practically ignoring what I see and what causes me pain - because I don't know what to do to help. He told me that I can't do anything, it's not my place. Then he told me that talking to me about it makes him want to drink. He didn't come out and say it, but he implied that he feels I am judging him (unlike his fellow AA members). All I want is to help him, I want him clean, and sober, and happy, that is all I have ever wanted.
I didn't know that Al-Anon existed until last night - he told me that I should be glad he wasn't making me go to the meetings for the wives. I offered to go his AA meetings with him, to help, he didn't want me to. He wants me to keep it all a secret, just like the pills last year - I think that is why he doesn't want me to go. He tells me all the time that I have no right to feel bad about what he is doing - because it doesn't affect me. Just because he doesn't hit me when he's stoned or drunk doesn't mean I'm unaffected. My heart is broken, and it hurts, and it aches for him and worries - and he can't, won't, see it.
I've kept so much secret for so long, having no one in the world to talk to. I just don't know how to do it anymore. I feel like I cry every day. Sometimes, like today, I can't stop.
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to help. I don't even know what to say.
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Old 04-24-2013, 01:26 PM
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Thanks for sharing, im am new at this too but Al Anon seems to be helping me and this site has been helpful to.
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Old 04-24-2013, 02:07 PM
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stiney,

Welcome to SR. Your post is so filled with pain. I am the mother of an addict son (who is currently sober,) not a spouse. But I wanted to acknowledge your post and let you know you were heard.

I can only speak for myself, but AlAnon is a great place to find face to face support and to learn to take care of yourself. You can't change your boyfriend, you can't control him, nothing you do or don't do will make him drink, take drugs or not drink or take drugs. That is his responsibility, his life to take care of.

You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you, you should be happy and focusing on your future. Try reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and getting to an AlAnon meeting - for you, not because your boyfriend "made you go".

Good luck, there will be many others along to respond as well.
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Old 04-24-2013, 02:10 PM
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"Last night I asked him what I needed to do to help. What to do when he drinks. How should I act? What should I say? Do I get angry? Do I get sad? Do I leave? I have simply taken the silent path, practically ignoring what I see and what causes me pain - because I don't know what to do to help. He told me that I can't do anything, it's not my place. Then he told me that talking to me about it makes him want to drink"

Stiney,
Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry for what brings you here, but glad that you found us. There is so much wonderful information and wisdom on this board. Read the stickys above and learn all you can. It sounds like a good mantra for right now is the three C's - You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You can't control it.

He's pretty much confirmed that for you. You are not responsible for him and the choices he is making. He has to do this on his own. The best thing for you is to take care of yourself and let him find his own path....it sounds like he is open to a path of recovery, which is good. Be careful not to let yourself get sucked into being the scapegoat for his behavior or being the reason that he drinks. YOU ARE NOT!

There are so many of us here on SR that have been through what you are going through now. Some of us are just at the beginning of understanding like you, some in the middle and some who have such inspirational stories of recovery. Rest assured you will find support here.

Keep posting, we get it!
Hugs,
MamaKit
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Old 04-24-2013, 02:25 PM
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Drunk people don't always realize how different their personalities are under the influence vs. not. Your reality is your reality, I guess, whatever the influence.

A couple times when my gf was drunk and belligerent I just told myself I'm not even interacting with the person I know, and it's kind of true. I just want to say "talk to me when you're back."

Your man sounds pretty troubled right now. Long shot, but maybe when he's in an agreeable mood, you can talk him into a six week trial of antabuse just so he can't "escape" for a few weeks. Good luck. p.s. my gf is going back on antabuse, she says it's one of the only times she was able to be sober for 6 months in a row.
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Old 04-24-2013, 02:26 PM
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"he told me that I should be glad he wasn't making me go to the meetings for the wives."

That takes a lot of nerves!!! Obviously he has it twisted Al Anon is not about becoming a tolerant little "wifey", it's about empowering yourself and learning to set boundaries and not let other people's craziness drive you nuts. You should try it, chances are you'll like it and he won't like you going there LOL.
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Old 04-24-2013, 02:52 PM
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Thank you so much guys. I was thinking the other day: Just like they tell us that we don't understand what they go through, they don't understand what we go through either. It goes both ways.
I'm struggling with his lack of respect for what I have endured. He talks about the 12 steps, and the deep look at himself and his faults that he needs to do as well as his making amends - I don't feel like I'm on that list. I truly he thinks that he feels like he has never done anything wrong by me, never hurt me, never affected me - I don't know how to make him understand. I don't think I can, I think that is up to his AA companions and the journey that they make together - but I don't feel very hopeful about him ever acknowledging my hurt, let alone apologize for it.
I'm worried about this idea of 'concentrating on myself'. That was something I never learned very well, I'm not very good at it. I know I can learn, and that I need to. There is a therapist at school I'm going to start seeing tomorrow. But I can't imagine just sitting by the sidelines and watching him take this journey on his own, boy...that really sounded like the inner 'mom' in me - huh?
There are 2 alanon meetings close to me. The closest is in the same building of his meetings, I don't think I could go there, at least not at first. And I've never been very good in social situations...on top of all the pain I'm dealing with right now, I begin to feel panicky just thinking about walking into a room full of strangers.
I don't know if the antabuse would work. I feel like deep down he struggles with depression and anxiety, and his drug and alcohol problems have stemmed from those going untreated. But every time he decides to go talk to a therapist, he comes up with some excuse at the last minute to not go - I think he's worried that he will simply be labeled as an 'addict' and not really helped. He's told me in the past he worries that somebody is just going to want to put him into rehab or a program of some kind, and it will go on his record and affect his ability to get educated and find employment in the future. It sounds paranoid to me, but he was in a few programs in high school and I think they left him that way.
I just want to understand and to be there for him when he needs me. I want to be healthier, I want him healthy. I want him to understand that this hasn't been a picnic for me, it's been like hell - the hardest thing I have done emotionally. I want him sober, and I want him to get help (and potentially medication). He's been trying to self medicate for so long, and it has just destroyed him.
He has so much good inside of him, I know it's there, I see glimpses. But something keeps...holding him back.
Thanks again guys, I was actually able to write this without crying. So I must be feeling a little more stable.
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Old 04-24-2013, 02:55 PM
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I am so sorry you are going through this. Noone can tell you how you are supposed to act when he is drinking. But al anon can help you figure out how you feel about it and what YOU want to do about the situation you are in.

You cant help him. You cant fix it. Either he is going to decide to stop drinking or he is not. Al Anon can help you decide how you want to deal with it regardless of what he decides to do.
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Old 04-24-2013, 02:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Carlotta View Post
"he told me that I should be glad he wasn't making me go to the meetings for the wives."

That takes a lot of nerves!!! Obviously he has it twisted Al Anon is not about becoming a tolerant little "wifey", it's about empowering yourself and learning to set boundaries and not let other people's craziness drive you nuts. You should try it, chances are you'll like it and he won't like you going there LOL.
I didn't even know any of this existed until he made that comment last night. I've spent the entire day on google looking for meetings and online blogs/chat rooms, trying to find someone to talk to. That's how I found you all. I never even would have thought to look if he hadn't said that. So I'm grateful. And he didn't say it out of meanness, it's hard to make his tone come across via written word, but he really just doesn't understand the pain and hurt I feel.
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Old 04-24-2013, 03:07 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting as often as needed. We understand!

I find wisdom in reading the experiences of other members who have walked this same path. Some of their stories are in the permanent posts at the top of this page. They are referred to as the Sticky Posts. You will recognize them by the little padlock symbol in the left side column.

Here is a link to my favorite sticky post:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 04-24-2013, 03:16 PM
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Originally Posted by stiney View Post
I want him sober, and I want him to get help (and potentially medication). He's been trying to self medicate for so long, and it has just destroyed him.
He has so much good inside of him, I know it's there, I see glimpses. But something keeps...holding him back.
Thanks again guys, I was actually able to write this without crying. So I must be feeling a little more stable.
You are not alone in wanting to bring out the positive in your partner. I too wanted to help my husband realize his full potential as husband, father and friend. I was sure I could change him into the man I knew he could be.

I was as effective in changing him as I was in teaching my cat to bark.

Recovery has taught me to focus on the here in now instead of fantasizing about Potential.

Here is a great link to a sticky post about the Potential of others (and ourselves)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
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Old 04-24-2013, 03:17 PM
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Originally Posted by stiney View Post
Thank you so much guys. I was thinking the other day: Just like they tell us that we don't understand what they go through, they don't understand what we go through either. It goes both ways.
I'm struggling with his lack of respect for what I have endured. He talks about the 12 steps, and the deep look at himself and his faults that he needs to do as well as his making amends - I don't feel like I'm on that list. I truly he thinks that he feels like he has never done anything wrong by me, never hurt me, never affected me - I don't know how to make him understand. I don't think I can, I think that is up to his AA companions and the journey that they make together - but I don't feel very hopeful about him ever acknowledging my hurt, let alone apologize for it.
I'm worried about this idea of 'concentrating on myself'. That was something I never learned very well, I'm not very good at it. I know I can learn, and that I need to. There is a therapist at school I'm going to start seeing tomorrow. But I can't imagine just sitting by the sidelines and watching him take this journey on his own, boy...that really sounded like the inner 'mom' in me - huh?
There are 2 alanon meetings close to me. The closest is in the same building of his meetings, I don't think I could go there, at least not at first. And I've never been very good in social situations...on top of all the pain I'm dealing with right now, I begin to feel panicky just thinking about walking into a room full of strangers.
I don't know if the antabuse would work. I feel like deep down he struggles with depression and anxiety, and his drug and alcohol problems have stemmed from those going untreated. But every time he decides to go talk to a therapist, he comes up with some excuse at the last minute to not go - I think he's worried that he will simply be labeled as an 'addict' and not really helped. He's told me in the past he worries that somebody is just going to want to put him into rehab or a program of some kind, and it will go on his record and affect his ability to get educated and find employment in the future. It sounds paranoid to me, but he was in a few programs in high school and I think they left him that way.
I just want to understand and to be there for him when he needs me. I want to be healthier, I want him healthy. I want him to understand that this hasn't been a picnic for me, it's been like hell - the hardest thing I have done emotionally. I want him sober, and I want him to get help (and potentially medication). He's been trying to self medicate for so long, and it has just destroyed him.
He has so much good inside of him, I know it's there, I see glimpses. But something keeps...holding him back.
Thanks again guys, I was actually able to write this without crying. So I must be feeling a little more stable.
Hi stiney - welcome to SR, and so sorry for what brought you here.

You're right - A's have no idea what their loved ones go through. They get to escape by getting drunk, and we are left to deal with the mess and stress. It does affect us when they drink - we're obviously affected by what's going on in our environment!

And I have to say...traditionally, I've sucked at taking care of and focusing on myself! I'm a caretaker by nature, and I always have focused on others before or in lieu of myself. But taking care of yourself is a GREAT habit to learn. I'm still learning myself and I have a long way to go, but just in acknowledging that I need to take care of myself and taking steps to do so by putting myself first and establishing healthy boundaries, I feel like I've made great strides.

As for rehab or programs going on his record and preventing employment, I think that is paranoia talking. There's no "permanent record" outside of high school, and rehab and addiction programs are medical treatment...HIPA privacy rules apply. Unless he authorizes the release of his medical records or authorizes someone to speak with his treatment facility, no information would get out to anyone.

If you are hesitant to go to an in-person meeting, there are online Al Anon meetings & online Smart Recovery Family & Friends meetings as well. There's lots of great info here and oodles of friendly & supportive & understanding folks who have been where you are. Keep reaching out, keep learning, keep posting.

Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
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Old 04-24-2013, 04:22 PM
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Hi there,

Glad you have joined us. LOL, that cracked me up about "making you go to meetings for wives"--so clueless! Al-Anon saved my sanity when I was in two alcoholic marriages. I am now four and a half years sober, myself (my alcoholism came about a little later in life).

I cannot suggest strongly enough that you get yourself to a meeting. They are warm and welcoming. I found it a HUGE relief to talk face-to-face with others who understood EXACTLY what I was going through.

There isn't anything you can do to make him get sober. He has to want it enough to do exactly what is suggested to him. Don't worry about his program--you can have one of your own. Al-Anon is where you can find it.

You don't have to say a thing at the meeting if you don't want to. Lots of people find themselves just crying at their first meeting (or the first few!). It's very accepting and can change your life.

Hugs,
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Old 04-24-2013, 05:06 PM
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You are 24 years old, and in Vet school. You have a very bright future ahead of you. But you are headed down a roller coaster path to pain with your ABF. There is nothing you can do to save him, no matter how supportive you want to be. And you are in no way responsible for his decisions. If he is still drinking once a week, then he is not in recovery. You can't do anything about that. The only thing you have control over is your own health.

AlAnon is an amazing support system of like souls. That first meeting is hard to walk into, but the minute you're there you realize you are in a room full of friends. If you just want to listen, that's fine.

Keep posting and reading here. I wish you the best. I would LOVE to have become a Veterinarian!
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Old 04-24-2013, 05:19 PM
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Welcome to SR! Your post made me - as I'm sure everyone here can relate too - feel so badly for you because I've been there. We all know what it's like to feel helpless as we watch our loved ones in the grip of addiction. And you're right - they have no idea what we go through. The nature of addiction is selfishness - it is all about the addict. You will find so much support and advice here! I feel like it has helped me regain my sanity.

And Al Anon is a wonderful thing! Take care of you. Cecilia said it is a great feeling - and it is! It is empowering, and after all - you are the only person you can control. Once I got that I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't change it through my head I could begin to focus on making myself healthy.

Stay strong, and keep your head up! We're all rooting for ya!
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Old 04-24-2013, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by stiney View Post
Thank you so much guys. I was thinking the other day: Just like they tell us that we don't understand what they go through, they don't understand what we go through either. It goes both ways.
You hit the nail on the head there - they genuinely do not know, because they rationalize everything. I know - I have been on both ends of the spectrum. For at least thirteen years I was a high-functioning alcoholic - I would make it to work, school, take care of my kids, etc., but then 2-3 nights I week I would binge to the point that my (now ex) husband thought I would die.

I told myself that I was only hurting myself. Now I know that is sooooo wrong.

I am now on the other end, with a high-functioning ABF. He has no idea what it is like to worry about him not locking doors, having to hide keys, worrying about how and when he will get home, and dear God, hopefully he doesn't try to cook and set something on fire!!!

Anyway, welcome to SR. You will find lots of support here. And I agree with the others - Al-Anon (and this board) are true life savers.
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Old 04-25-2013, 09:12 AM
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You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You can't control it.
When I first started reading these boards, this was my mantra. When he tries to suck you in and make you feel guilty, keep saying this to yourself.

I'm worried about this idea of 'concentrating on myself'. That was something I never learned very well, I'm not very good at it. I know I can learn, and that I need to. There is a therapist at school I'm going to start seeing tomorrow. But I can't imagine just sitting by the sidelines and watching him take this journey on his own, boy...that really sounded like the inner 'mom' in me - huh?
The sad fact is that there is NOTHING you can do to care for or love him out of this disease. If love were enough, we wouldn't live with addiction.

Self care is about taking that energy that you sink into him and his addiction -- which you can't cure or control -- and putting it towards yourself, to calm your anxiety, to fill up your tank, to help you achieve goals in your life that take the sidelines because of living with addiction. If he is committed to get addiction out of his life, he will figure this out. If your wish is to stay with him through this process, your goal will be to love and support his journey with a sense of emotional detachment from the outcome. You don't have relationships with people's potential, you have relationships with people as they are today. Things are what they are.

I wonder about you in a caring profession like veterinary work. Those of us who find ourselves in relationships with addicts also find out through time that we are predisposed to relationships with addicts. There's something about us that's drawn to fixer uppers. Keep repeating: You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. You can't control it.

I got together with my STBXAH when I was about 23. He was a heavy drinker (which I thought was kind of fun -- no more!) and had had addiction problems in the past (so I thought). Today I am 32, he is 35, and he is in his fifth rehab, and I am home caring for two children and have filed for divorce. There is nothing I can do for him in this regard. What I've realized is that while every addict is different and every addiction present differently, there's nothing about my AH that makes him better or worse or more "worth it" than anyone else. This is a cunning disease that takes smart, wonderful people down every day.

If I knew then what I know now, I would not have entered a relationship with him, married him, merged bank accounts with him, hung my personal and professional goals on his support that never appeared, tried "helping" him by taking over his life responsibilities for him, introduced him to my son, had another child with him, let go of my goals big and small to care of him, shared credit cards, I mean, I could go on and on.

What would your life look like if you broke up with him and he moved out? Really! Good and bad. What that you're holding on to is reality and what is fantasy and/or his unrealized potential?

I've been where you are. It sucks. Stick around here and keep reading. And YES, self-care. Yes, self-care. Yes, yes, yes.
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Old 04-25-2013, 03:42 PM
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I have talked to the counselors at school two day sin a row now, and they are referring me to the school psychiatrist - getting all of this out in the open is helping a lot.
I just don't want to walk around on egg shells at home, his sobriety makes him so grumpy and cold, very sensitive to the tiniest little things. I told him that tomorrow night I'm going to a school function dinner, he was really upset that I didn't invite him. I tried to tell him that I was trying to take his advice - do more social things on my own without relying on him, it didn't seem to help.
I worry that he will never truly be able to recover without the help of professional therapy and prescription medication, but I don't know how to broach the subject again without risking his wrath (that actually made me smile a little while writing it, it sounds so ridiculous). He knows he needs to go, he's brought it up himself numerous times, but for some reason he just can't bring himself to actually walk through that office door - I guess it's fear holding him back. I know it's not my job to help him, take care of him, etc... but I wish there was something that would give him that extra jump of courage to follow through with it. I think it would help so much, I think it's the only thing that will make this sober episode become a real long term, permanent change for him.
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Old 04-25-2013, 03:46 PM
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I think the best thing you can do is to take care of yourself. I'm not saying it will make him change *his* behaviors, but it's good for you regardless and sometimes leading by example does influence those around us.
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