prodigal

Okay - detach, detach, detach. Fine. So what do I do when I'm studying for a final and he won't quit???? Follows me around the house, starts crying, gripes at me for not being a GREAT dinner conversationalist. This from the man who was literally passed out on the dining room floor most of the afternoon. The only reason I knew this was I came inside from studying to get a glass of water and he was laying on the floor - I thought he was dead!

I'm just beat from all of this. I finally told him point-blank last night that it's not him I hate, it's his drinking - and the only person who hates him is HIM! God help me, but I'm exhausted from this nonstop drama. I ignore it, I leave the house, I don't react to it, but he WON'T LET UP ON ME!!! He'll sit on the stairs watching me clean up after dinner, he'll sigh, he'll start to cry, he'll say things that are almost pathetically child-like in response to just about anything I say -
ME: "I don't think I can take much more of your alcohol abuse."
HIM: "So you hate me."
ME: "No, I did not say I hate you, you said it."
HIM: "Oh."

And round-and-round-and-round it goes until I finally just tell him to f**k off and put on a diaper and play being a whining little baby girl - but for heaven's sake get out of my space.

ME: "I need to use the basement tonight so I can get online to use the computer to study for my final."
HIM: "So you don't want to sleep with me as usual."
ME" "This isn't about where I'm sleeping. I'm asking if I can use the basement because I know you prefer to watch t.v. down there and I would like to study down there so it won't be an imposition."
HIM:"Thanks for asking me. I'll watch upstairs."

Of course, this was followed moments later with him starting to cry at the dinner table and bring up the fact that I'm not being warm and loving to him because I'm not having some sort of loving conversation. Yeah, I'm feeling all warm and lovey-dovey with someone who's passed out on the floor at 2 in the afternoon ....

I don't know if he's just trying to suck me into his insanity (he's doing one helluva good job!), of if he's just such an emotional mess he can't deal with my detaching, or what, but I believe it's my Higher Power (I call it "God") who's keeping me from TOTALLY losing it and breaking up the furniture.

He dumps tons of junk his former wife did to him on me. For crying out loud, she hardly spoke to him the last TWO YEARS they were married and she refused to have sex with him, yet he forced her to go to marriage counseling because he wasn't ready to give up on the marriage and he was "devasted" when she left! Now here I am listening to comments like "You women just dump a guy and take him for all you can get," and "You don't love me, and you'll probably go out looking for a 'Sugar Daddy to replace me.'" He suspected his ex of cheating (she ended up marrying the guy my AH thought was the "other man") and the ex also just HAD to have $5,000 right away from my AH because she needed a downpayment on her condo (she used 3 grand to buy a piano)! Now I'm being crapped all over for all the junk she pulled that he's never dealt with.

Why don't I leave? You'd better believe I'm ready to walk, but I have to (1) get a job; (2) find a place to live; (3) have money for movers (I've got $35 in my checking account right now); (4) have money for a security deposit on an apartment; (5) buy a mattress to sleep on (I gave away my dining room and bedroom suite when I moved in with the H). Maybe it's because I'm in a vulnerable position he's pulling this baloney, but I'm ready to live in the backseat of my car rather than put up with another minute of this lunacy!!

All I know is I'm SICK, SICK SICK, WAAAAYYYY BEYOND SICK of all this crap!!!

sdp

Yowza!!! That's a lot to put up with!!!!
"His Majesty the Baby", eh?

Unfortunately, no magic word of advice for you. Just wishing you good luck..
And I guess I should be (sorta) grateful my H is gone when he drinks!!!

myles1

Hi Prodigal,

THere's a pamphlet in A.A called King Baby.........fits your A to a T!

As far as moving is there anyone you can stay with for awhile until you find a job, family, friends?

Ngaire

Lorelai

When I started detaching from my AH, he went into overdrive trying his usual bag of tricks to drag me back in. "You don't love me." "You've found somebody else." "You don't want me anymore."

He wanted me to go back to blaming myself - anything to get the focus off of the drinking. I had to keep repeating "It's not me." over and over about 5,000 times a day.

In my case, it got better. He finally figured out his old ways weren't working anymore. I don't know if he is just figuring out a new plan or not but it's better now.
Hugs - L

McKrazy

I live with the baby syndrome too, until without response he kicks into mean man syndrome. I'm not sure which is worse, just that both stink pretty bad. I have a mantra I "chant" silently in my head, it changes, sometimes it's a prayer, and sometimes it's rated "R" for language, but it does help me get out of the moment and stop myself from engaging in stupid or remorseful behavior myself that I'll have to accept responsibility for and apologize. Good luck, we're with you, you know. We all have been there in one way or another and we know how crazy it can seem! Take care,
Pam

Magichappens

I have never seen the pamphlet "King Baby" but I'm sitting here cracking up at the thought!
:laugh2: :king:

myles1

Quote from King Baby

"The King Baby mentality is driven by threee motives- power,attention and pleasure. By being overly friendly and charming we try to win friends. We may be clinging. We often try to control or dominate. Almost everything we do has strings attached and creates indebtedness to us. We fear rejection of our real selves,so we present a false,invented person to the world. This protects us from being hurt. Each personality or game we invent is based on a false promise or a myth."






Ngaire

McKrazy

I want to find that pamphlet..... anyone have any ideas? I know I haven't seen one at the meeting I attend. Well, I guess I'll sleuth around a bit.

myles1

McTired,

Hazelden

1-800-328-9000

The order number on the pamphlet is: 5368 called King Baby by Tom Cunningham

http://www.hazelden.org

Ngaire

lil'bit

Oh, Hugs to you!!!

I saw a lot of familiar things in what you wrote -- especially the "you hate me!" whining, instead of acknowledging that there is a problem and a solution to it is possible. When my H is drunk and feeling down, it seems that everything I say is somehow a criticism of him, or I'm not paying attention properly, etc. I get the "you're not being affectionate" and "you're mad at me, you think I'm a loser" and "you're not connected to me emotionally" stuff all the time ... worst part is, it sometimes happens when I'm doing my darndest *to* be affectionate. Somtimes the hangovers are almost worse than the drunk nights, too -- he's grumpy and blaming, and I just want to run away.

I find detachment very, very hard. Harder still when he is stumbling into bed after falling loudly in the hall and waking me up, and then thrashing and snoring in the bed, reeking of bourbon. I put in earplugs and try to sleep, and do my best to not react in the morning, but even my best "nothing's wrong" act doesn't quite cut it.