shinebright7

So I'd been dreading talking to my best friend about my AH...

Mostly because I was wanting to protect my husband knowing how private he is and how afraid he is of other people's judgments of him...

But two nights ago I finally told my BFF that I'd told my husband to leave last week...

I just told her I had issues I needed to deal with and needed some space.

And tonight she came over and was goofing around saying, Maybe I can just ask yes/no questions and you can answer them. : )

We had been talking earlier in the night and I told her I wanted to tell her more about what I was going through, but that I was being mindful of my husband's privacy etc.

I said sure we can try it with the yes/no questions...

So as we sat down with her tea, te first thing she said was, Is he smoking pot?

I said yes, that's part of it.

Then she said something that many of you have said friends have said when you told them about your own addict/alcoholic...

She said she figured he did because he always went on long walks.

LOL

So she was already thinking this before I even told her anything.

And here I am thinking no one knows what's going on with him and I have to protect his "secret", right?

Pfffttt!

So then I told her I was going to Al Anon.

She said with enthusiasm, "You ARE!?" and she was very curious.

I told her I'd been going since early March and she was like: oh my gosh I don't even know you...in a sweet empathetic voice and then she gave me a hug.

The night before when we had talked about how I kicked my husband out, she also was telling me about her relationship situation and she asked me if I had any opinions.

I told her about my thoughts about his potential gambling addiction since she flat out asked me to share...

And then tonight she was eager to look up Gam-Anon meetings near us so she could check it out. I also told her about CODA and we looked up those meetings also.

Honestly, talking with her about it made it seem like so much LESS of a big deal than I have been experiencing it as.

Granted, she doesn't know all the crazy details about things I've been through and I didn't tell her what happened the other night with him breaking in here with the locksmith and that's why the security stick is on the front door...

But she also shared that she's dated guys who have used drugs in the past - not necessarily addicts, but still she didn't like it.

So there...

She knows and my world didn't come crashing down.

And she doesn't seem to be in a mode of wanting to hate on my husband either. Not that she couldn't if she wanted to...but she just seems to be taking it in stride.

I don't know...

I feel weird about her knowing, but also relieved. I hate carrying around secrets that feel toxic like I can't share them.

At least now there's one other person in my personal world, besides my mom, who knows what I'm going through and can support me if I need it.

Reality continues to be kinder than what I imagine will happen in my crazy fears. Thankfully I continue to be wrong. :-)

wicked

Yes! Letting people know (sometimes they have a clue and want to help) is the best.
It relieved the weight.
Being loyal did not mean I had to carry that toxic information, it was sort of poisoning everything I did.
I did not realize that until I started to let it go.
Ah, recovery.


thank you for sharing that shinebright!

Beth

shinebright7

Thanks, Wicked... ((hugs))

I'm totally having to get over myself and get humble in my recovery too --

That's what I want my husband to do, right?!?

So I should do it myself and forget about whether he does it or not.

The more important question is can *I* do it?

Can I be humble?

I'm trying. Not always so easy, but I am doing my best.

On one hand my husband has an addiction issue and it's SERIOUS!

And on the other hand, he has an addiction issue and it's like yep...join the club.

There are so many people in the exact same boat!

I am NOT special because my husband has an addiction issue.

Hmmm.. yeah, I really need to get that right now.

In reality I am just another of probably millions of women who have addicted husbands.

There is nothing unique and special about my situation.

Those who have been in Al Anon for a long time have heard stories like mine countless times I'm sure.

My husband is not unique and special in how his addiction manifests.

I am not unique and special in my codependent ways.

He has the disease of addiction.

I have the disease of codependency.

Just like SO MANY OTHERS DO.

We are not doing anything new and innovative here. LOL

We are acting out of disease (when we do) and we're either trying to get healthier or we're not.

Pretty simple!

I don't know why this is so important for me to keep reiterating to myself right now, but it is.

By taking out the specialness of it in my mind, it becomes less personal.

It's just a life situation -- like sometimes we gotta move, or change jobs.

Not everyone has to, but some people do.

And not everyone has an addicted husband, but some people do.

I'm one of them. BIG DEAL!

It does not have to derail me. I need to educate myself and do the best I can to take care of myself, but then I need to let it go and know that I did my best.

Just like I would do if I had to move. I would educate myself about what kind of place I could move to, where I could go, how much things are, etc. and would know that I did my best in trying to find a new place.

I wouldn't have to let the act of moving consume me and ruin my life just because it's not what I planned on having to go through.

Wow, this is interesting to think about.

And I feel like my HP is restoring me to sanity RIGHT NOW.

Thanks Step 2!!

Hanna

That is great!!! Very glad you have more support!

Faithlove

I love my best friends!!!! It is so wonderful that you can talk to yours about EVERYTHING going on in your life!!! Lean on her. You'd do the same for her, wouldn't you?

Your statements about you not being special because you have an AH really hit home!!! I need to eat a piece of that humble pie! Even though I talk to all of you all on here, I still felt like no one has gone through what I have. That's obviously not true. Like you said, it's also not a big deal.

Keep shining bright!!!