New to group-17 years w/functional alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Northwest
Posts: 25
New to group-17 years w/functional alcoholic
Hello,
I just wanted to introduce myself to the forum as I just signed up.
I have been married to a functional alcoholic for 17 years. Though
it has not been a physically abusive relationship it has been a
tough one and progressively getting tougher. We have a 9 year
old daughter who is obviously the most innocent victim of all.
My husband recently went on what I call a binger last month
and has been drinking pretty heavily since. He drinks between
9 and 12 (or more because he hides it) 16 oz cans of beer a night
lately. He denys hiding the beer (they magically appear in the fridge)
and also that he is drinking too much. He acknowledges he has a
problem sometimes and promises to "cut down". Maybe this lasts
for 2 to 3 days, but then it starts up again. He blames everything
under the rainbow for his drinking but mainly me for nagging. I admit
I do alot of the time, I also try to be his friend and talk to him and
get him to understand what he is doing to us, his daughter. Its like
talking to a wall. I'm at the end of my rope I guess. I don't know what
to do, but I am sooooooo tired of living like this and want more for my
poor daughter!! Thanks for listening.
I just wanted to introduce myself to the forum as I just signed up.
I have been married to a functional alcoholic for 17 years. Though
it has not been a physically abusive relationship it has been a
tough one and progressively getting tougher. We have a 9 year
old daughter who is obviously the most innocent victim of all.
My husband recently went on what I call a binger last month
and has been drinking pretty heavily since. He drinks between
9 and 12 (or more because he hides it) 16 oz cans of beer a night
lately. He denys hiding the beer (they magically appear in the fridge)
and also that he is drinking too much. He acknowledges he has a
problem sometimes and promises to "cut down". Maybe this lasts
for 2 to 3 days, but then it starts up again. He blames everything
under the rainbow for his drinking but mainly me for nagging. I admit
I do alot of the time, I also try to be his friend and talk to him and
get him to understand what he is doing to us, his daughter. Its like
talking to a wall. I'm at the end of my rope I guess. I don't know what
to do, but I am sooooooo tired of living like this and want more for my
poor daughter!! Thanks for listening.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
welcome to sr.
First of all YOU do NOT cause him to drink, its apart of his alcoholism that he blames you and anyone else for his behaviour. it is his own.
Cutting back never works, not from my experience and this is a sure sign that he has not yet faced giving the drink up. he does not sound ready and he may never be.
Youll find great support here at sr, weve all been there, done that, heard this and witnessed that. the best thing for you and your daughter is to continue to reach out in any way and be a healthy YOU. you are the only person YOU can control and you can make your life better, you can make your daughters life better and you can be happy.
best wishes
First of all YOU do NOT cause him to drink, its apart of his alcoholism that he blames you and anyone else for his behaviour. it is his own.
Cutting back never works, not from my experience and this is a sure sign that he has not yet faced giving the drink up. he does not sound ready and he may never be.
Youll find great support here at sr, weve all been there, done that, heard this and witnessed that. the best thing for you and your daughter is to continue to reach out in any way and be a healthy YOU. you are the only person YOU can control and you can make your life better, you can make your daughters life better and you can be happy.
best wishes
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Luv, it might help to realize that alcoholics don't necessarily drink to deliberately hurt us or because they don't love us---it is what they do--because they are in denial in order to protect their ability to continue to drink. The disease "lies" to them (insider their head) because of an intense compulsion to consume alcohol. That voice in their head is always there--it is a never ending battle for them. The only thing that gets it under control is a program of total abstinence.
Understanding this helps us by keeping us from personalizing their actions. Then, we can learn to detach from them a bit easier. Detaching makes life easier for us, while we figure out what to do for ourselves in the BIG PICTURE.
Luv, I say this to help you stop tormenting yourself so much over his motivation for drinking. Alcoholics drink because of a powerful compulsion. You can't do anything about it. (understanding this helped me---Maybe it will help you a little.... )
dandylion
Understanding this helps us by keeping us from personalizing their actions. Then, we can learn to detach from them a bit easier. Detaching makes life easier for us, while we figure out what to do for ourselves in the BIG PICTURE.
Luv, I say this to help you stop tormenting yourself so much over his motivation for drinking. Alcoholics drink because of a powerful compulsion. You can't do anything about it. (understanding this helped me---Maybe it will help you a little.... )
dandylion
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting when needed. We understand!
Some of our stories are in the permanent posts at the top of this main page. We refer to those posts as Sticky Posts. I am always finding wisdom when I read in the Stickies. One of my favorite Stickies contains steps that helped me while living with my husband's active alcoholism. Here is a link to that Sticky Post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting when needed. We understand!
Some of our stories are in the permanent posts at the top of this main page. We refer to those posts as Sticky Posts. I am always finding wisdom when I read in the Stickies. One of my favorite Stickies contains steps that helped me while living with my husband's active alcoholism. Here is a link to that Sticky Post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Northwest
Posts: 25
Thanks for the link. It was very enlightening and I see that I have been handling just about every aspect of my husband's drinking problem wrong, especially by forgetting to take care of myself and my daughter and doing what need to do to be happy and live our lives. This is going to be a challenge, but something to work towards.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Hi and welcome,
I am a fairly newby to this group as well. My DH is a functioning alcoholic too. We have been married 11 years and have 2 kids aged 7 and 4. My DH drinks daily and has for all of our marriage. I never really noticed it in the early years, he'd have a few beers each night with dinner. Then it progressed to more and more then wine and once I found vodka bottles hidden. He has stopped the vodka and is back to wine. He is very functioning. He never misses a day at work, never gets a hangover etc. but its always the elephant in the room. He isn't available emotionally and hasn't been for many years. There is no "relationship" between us we are roomates at best. He is a good dad to our kids but drinks at their sports games and all weekend every weekend. They will tell me occasionally he will drive with them in the car with wine in a cup to get more if he runs out and I happen to be away at the grocery store. Its not often because I rarely leave them alone with him. He has passed out in the car (me driving) and on the couch in front of them but not very often. I am fed up. I want to leave but cannot because of the kids. He is very non-confrontational and withdraws. Whenever I confront him about the drinking he will stop or "cut down" for a few days but then its right back to doing it again. My oldest is just now starting to notice things and I really don't want it to affect them.
I am a fairly newby to this group as well. My DH is a functioning alcoholic too. We have been married 11 years and have 2 kids aged 7 and 4. My DH drinks daily and has for all of our marriage. I never really noticed it in the early years, he'd have a few beers each night with dinner. Then it progressed to more and more then wine and once I found vodka bottles hidden. He has stopped the vodka and is back to wine. He is very functioning. He never misses a day at work, never gets a hangover etc. but its always the elephant in the room. He isn't available emotionally and hasn't been for many years. There is no "relationship" between us we are roomates at best. He is a good dad to our kids but drinks at their sports games and all weekend every weekend. They will tell me occasionally he will drive with them in the car with wine in a cup to get more if he runs out and I happen to be away at the grocery store. Its not often because I rarely leave them alone with him. He has passed out in the car (me driving) and on the couch in front of them but not very often. I am fed up. I want to leave but cannot because of the kids. He is very non-confrontational and withdraws. Whenever I confront him about the drinking he will stop or "cut down" for a few days but then its right back to doing it again. My oldest is just now starting to notice things and I really don't want it to affect them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Northwest
Posts: 25
I can sympathize with your situation! Unfortunately, my husbands drinking has affected our daughter which I warned him about from the day she was born. He is the type that when he does start getting drunk (takes a lot!) he wants hugs and kisses from her and she doesn't want anything to do with him which makes him mad, then he starts blaming me for the way she is acting. It's nearly the same scenerio every weekend as that is when he drinks the most. It has affected his work as his co-workers have went to the manager about how he smells of alcohol. Not that he is drinking on the job, but smells from his night before. Nothing worse than masking alcohol with cologne if you ask me. Anyhow, I have talked with his boss and he talked to my husband and is trying to help. He works for the state and they will pay for rehab or counseling, but he will not hear of it. He also says he will cut down and does for a couple days, but then back to the same thing. I am just sick of seeing him drunk, sick of my daughter having to endure this and sick of worrying about him getting drunk. Our whole life revolves around it. I guess that is where I try to detach myself from that. I am trying to do my own thing, not nag him and let him do what he wants.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
Your post was exactly my life with my XAH. I finally left when our son was 12 because I just couldn't let my son watch it anymore. I told him if he got sober we would be there and I wouldn't go anywhere. He blamed me for everything even his drinking. 3 yrs later, we are divorced, he is sober and still blaming me for everything, including his drinking. He is angry that I "made" him stop drinking. He is angry I left...he is just angry. If I had it to do over again I would have told him look I love you enough to leave and let you do what your going to do..drink or get sober. and I would have NEVER let him blame me. I put myself threw a lot of emotional hell taking that blame. You didn't cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it...that's all on him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Northwest
Posts: 25
Its a relief to hear that others have went through the same thing I have and am going through and feel the same way. I live in a very small rural area and although the community has an AA, there is no Al-non meetings around here and I needed to talk about things in a big way. I have tried to get his family involved but they are enablers. His dad is an alcoholic and his mom just puts up with it and is like a beaten horse. I asked her for help and all she could offer was "divorce him, he's just like his dad". His brother offered to talk to him about his drinking, while he took him to a bar to drink. Makes no sense to me. Anyway, I appreciate all the feed back and I feel better and alittle more empowered than before and I hope that continues. I have some huge life decisions to make!!
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