sdp

Daffodil made a comment on a thread of mine that got me thinking.

"HA! I thought this is silly! But it was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Spend $1.50 on a rose for me when HE was supposed to do that without me even asking. "

It seems to me that we, the anon, just want things to be normal!!!Normal SOs will WANT to make us happy...

2 parents, kids.. A SO who will love us and take care of us. Be there when we need them, support and encourage us.

And we don't get that!!!! I hate, on TV shows, where the husband is 1/2 hour late for dinner, and comes in with roses and apologies... I mean, hello??? When does that ever happen?? In OUR reality, anyway??? We get someone never being home at all, stumbling in, maybe apologies, but they are meaningless...

WE are the ones who have to be strong, especially for the kids, if there are any. When do we get a break? Someone to talk to about "normal" stuff??? Someone we can trust?

It doesn't seem too much to ask, does it?

Daffodil

Hello there! Here I am because I need to clear somethings up about my post.

Most importantly: An Al-Anon is an active member of the Al-Anon groups. She/he goes to meetings, studies the literature, has a sponsor she/he works the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions with. Just living with the family disease did not make me an Al-Anon. Now I'll get off my soap box about that.

Secondly I came into my marriage with all the rules of living with the disease of alcoholism in place. Both my parents were practicing alcoholics. I grew up with all the tools, rules, and attitudes that I got from them. I believe today that "sick seeks sick." The holes in my head just fit the horns on theirs. Every man I ever loved or thought I'd loved turned out to be an alcoholic. What else? The first man I loved, my father was alcoholic. I believe I am a magnet for alcoholics.

Yes, I do believe TV, magazines, books, all paint an unrealistic picture of what normal is. After all I grew up watching Father knows Best, Lassie, and Leave it to Beaver.

To his credit, Mr D never brought me cut flowers because he doesn't like them. He hates to see them die. (Says something for a tender heart doesn't it) Hence the rose bushes. I also have to admit I never asked him to. Somehow I got the idea that if I had to ask something it didn't count on the "I love you chart." Today I believe that I at least should ask for what I need/want, only then do I have a 50/50 chance that I'll get it.

I need also tell you that he's drinking was not a problem when I started working the Al-Anon program. It was years later that I could've gotten crazy with his drinking if I had not gotten help. I believe my H.P. knew just how crazy I would become with it so He got me into Al-Anon before he turned to alcohol.
I don't know "normal". I know today what I can and cannot live with. Mr. D. has provided our family with reasonable honesty, hard work, stability, faithfulness, and love to the best of his abilities.


When I began Al-Anon Mr. D. was not even drinking yet. I was the real sick one. Filled with resentment, anger, and still trying to play peace at any price. I could get him a cup of coffee before he knew he wanted one. Gave me great job security. If they NEEDED me how on earth could they fire me.

My Mr. D isn't drinking today. He quit all on his own after progressive drinking more, with no help from me about a year ago.

I do believe that my H.P. got me into Al-Anon long before he start drinking simply because He knew just how Crazy I would get with it if I didn't get help first.

I do work the Al-Anon program to the best of my abilities. But today I no longer wait for someone else to know what I want/need. I ask. Then if I don't get it by asking and really want it I find out how I can achieve it for my
self.

I realize that my marriage isn't horrific, but pain is pain, is pain. There aren't any beatings, no violence, no screaming. But in truth, it's still a work in progress.
I hope that clears somethings up for you spd.

Keep looking for your dreams but I'll have to stay in reality here.

Love and prayers,
Daffodil

sunflowergal29

Yeah, sorta like how the Cinderella story is every girl's dream. But that is what it is- a dream. No one is going to come and rescue us or devote their energy to "making us happy". It sucks, but even in "normal" relationships the SO can not "make" someone happy- comes from inside us.
For a long time I totally believed in fairytale endings, that the way it should be is where my SO would always know how to make me happy. ((I still love the movie EVER AFTER)).

smoke gets in my eyes

If I had a "normal" relationship (I mean like in the tv shows), I believe it would drown me. I think if I had been someone who knew how to accept flowers, I would have selected someone who did that. I have hurt Dino's feelings more than once when he was "giving" and I wasn't "taking". The fact that I have not ever been in a "normal" relationship is at least half me. Changing me is slow. There are lots of things I "get" about codependent recovery that I simply haven't assimilated into my personality. I've gotten a handle on the big things, in the same way that an alcoholic might get a handle on "the big thing" (not drinking) at first, but then begin the slow process of restructuring the way they think. But the bottom line for me is that I am not in a "normal" relationship because I am not normal. Some of normal I wouldn't want, but for the parts I think that I do want, I have to examine the choices I make that keep things from being that way.

Magichappens

Alanon has helped me to grow up and face life on life's terms. Nobody lives like the TV families. Life has many challenges, and they can't be solved in an hour or thirty minutes. I am grateful today that people like my sponsor and Daff and Smoke are there to support and encourage me to enjoy the life I've been given instead of crying over something that isn't real. Today I love me, and I know that others love me. It isn't always the way I picture love, but I appreciate it all the same. Hugs, Magic

bookworm

Well sdp,
there's no such thing as normal, I'm afraid! The 'normal' on TV is a fantasy. Normal is what you make it and define it as. Normal may traditionally be defined as Mum, Dad, 2.4 children, a volvo and a dog but good grief, I've never seen it!!

Don't think about normal - think about what you need to make you happy with your life. Think about you. The Steps are great for this.
HugZ
Sandra

sdp

Well, i KNOW the TV stuff is fantasy.... I guess I mean more when I see other people who have "normal" relationships.. Not perfect, but normal. Most of my family is pretty normal.. People I ork with are normal... And again, not perfect.

I never expected perfection, and am in fact pretty easy going.. I didn;t sign up for what I did get tho.. Yikes.

jessieandme2003

I feel as you do, sdp.

I see it everyday at work too, and long for it. The husbands discussing what to get their wives for Mother's Day. Agonizing over finding something special. When I know my AH will get me nothing, not even a card. (I was right.)

I think some of the others who replied here have just gotten past that "longing for it phase" already. They've reached a place of acceptance. They have the ability to see what they get instead, and take happiness from it. My AH did end going with my daughter and I to a carnival on Mother's Day (which we were going to go to without him), and he paid about $75 on games and iced teas for us. He won us several stuffed toys, two dragons which my daughter loves! He sees that as my gift, as he is not a guy with a lot of money.

But I don't see any THOUGHT in that. It was my plan, he just used it to get by and say he did something. No effort. No true heartfelt giving involved. Just repsonsibility. So he can say he did something. He dropped us at home aftertward and went right to the bar. 2 hours with us at the carnival, 6 at the bar afterward. Happy Mother's Day.

As I said, I guess I just haven't gotten to the point, yet, where this seems acceptable and I don't long for the "normal' I see with other folks not married to an AH. Don't get me wrong, I loved every minute of the carnival and my husbands love and attention. It just seems to me that its like being a dog who takes a treat happily, but yet still knowing the pain of the next kick is coming soon also.

Blondie

I guess for some of us there comes a phase where we just expect nothing. I've come to that phase myself. I guess it is to protect myself from disappointment.