Crazed

Since EXAG and I haven't spoken in about 3 weeks, I have no idea how she is doing in rehab. Today my codie self kicked in, and I checked the county court website to see if anything happened with her 4th DUI case. It appears to be been reduced from a felony back to a traffic case.

On one hand I think "Great News! She will not be a convicted felon, and not lose her license for life! If she finds sobriety, she will have a chance at employment, mobility, etc."

On the other hand, I think, "She did it again. Shirked the full brunt of her consequences. Nothing will change."

I also found out today from her aunt that she will be in rehab for another 6 weeks. Then they will be trying to keep her there for another 60 days.

I know I should run, and have been doing my best. Without the alcoholic chaos in my life things have been much more calm. But it is difficult to just write her completely out of my mind and my life. I do not want to live with hate and anger towards her- which would probably make things easier. My heart goes out to all of you that have to go through divorce, custody, etc.

But I have my weak moments where I think about and miss her so much. My hope is that she will find true sobriety and happiness. It is not about a glorious reunion between us. It is about having empathy for another human being that I shared a large portion of my life with (good and bad).

Thanks for listening...

DreamsofSerenity

I was sitting here thinking poor Crazed is listening to his AV and had a codie relapse when he checked up on his ex's DUI case. But now I'm thinking "I didn't know I could do THAT!!" and am seriously tempted to check up on my ex's DUI case. (Triggered). Thank you for showing me how much of an addict I truly am.

Crazed, it's okay to miss her, and it's very good you posted. No one is saying you need to hate her, just that you need to love yourself enough to get off the roller coaster ride. Remember, when you are missing her, rewind and play the WHOLE tape.

Hugs

SparkleKitty

Feelings are feelings. We cannot control what we feel (nor should we). You can only control what you DO because of those feelings (or in many cases, what you DON'T do). You have really come an amazingly long way since you first started posting. It's natural to be sad and feel that empathy, but we don't always have to do something about it.

Crazed

Thanks. I am still in pain. Releasing the dream of what I know we both wanted in a relationship but failed to achieve is proving to be difficult. I so wish she could have found sobriety. I think maybe we could have had a chance at happiness together. I wish I told her how I felt vs. tried to control her. I wish I handled things with more sympathy instead of anger every time she relapsed.

But I know it wouldn't have mattered....

Hammer

Maybe go pick up another crazy drunk chick at a bar.

Spend some quality time, loan her your car to wreck it, probably some money, too. And oh, try to save her kids.

That should fulfill your Rescue Ranger quota, and let you figure out that Parts is Parts at the same time.

Just trying to help.

BuckTheHero

I'm kind of new at this, but I just don't get why WE are supposed to be sympathetic. My wife chose the bottle over me and our children. We're the ones that deserve sympathy, not the drunk.

I'm pretty damned furious right now....and I hope I stay that was so I don't let my wife back into our lives.

thislonelygirl

thislonelygirl

i know exaclty how you feel when you say yay she got off but wait.....she got off , ugh oh.
ive thought the same with my ah. its a win/lose situation. hopefully she sees this as a blessing and as her higher power watching out for her and turns her life around but regardless of what she does it is good that you are taking care of you.
i know what you mean by not wanting to just write her off. when you care for someone and even love them, its hard to just leave it well enough as thats that. there is naturally some caring to go along with the territory. thats good though, a person should strive not to hold onto a grudge or any ill will. keep watcing out for yourself

LexieCat

Crazed, listen to yourself. In your first post you are talking about how it would be easier if you could feel anger and hatred toward her, and in the next you are talking about how you wish you could have been more sympathetic.

Your feelings have NOTHING to do with what she does.

What helped me was letting go of the anger, and even the pity, and working on an attitude of detached compassion. Carrying around resentments do NOT make our own recovery easier. Acceptance, on the other hand, does. Accepting that the alcoholic's journey is his or her own, and that it isn't our problem anymore. You can wish them "bon voyage" and hope they travel safely, but you are on your OWN path, and you need to worry about your own journey. She has all the help she needs, but it's her own choice whether to take advantage of it.

I wish my second husband would get well. But I'm much better off not knowing the details of his sad life in the meantime. His problem, not mine.

Keep working to pry yourself away from those remaining contacts with her family, and resisting the urge to check up on what's going on with her. You've been doing much better, but recovery isn't a straight line for anyone. Keep moving forward.

Crazed

Thanks Lexie -

Which voice in my head

I am doing my best to detatch. I do have my weak moments. For me, if she is still on a downward spiral, I really don't want to know or be part of it.... but the other side of me thinks that if she is really "getting it" this time, which is what I have wanted for SO LONG, I woud like to be part of it.

Unfortunately I don't think I can have it both ways...

AnvilheadII

which is what I have wanted for SO LONG, I woud like to be part of it.

there it is again. you can't stand the fact that she MIGHT get on track and get sober and you not have your fingers all over it. in your head, HER getting sober AND racing back to your arms is your REWARD.

what if she DOES get sober.....and doesn't come back? can you deal?

LexieCat

LOL, I said LISTEN to yourself, not BELIEVE yourself. We can quack to ourselves, too, you know.

Nope, you can't. Try this. Imagine her getting well and having a happy life--WITHOUT YOU IN IT. Surely you don't want her to get well ONLY if you can share it, right? I mean, her life is more than just who she is when she is with you.

Learning to let go of another person, and allowing them the possibility of happiness without us, is a big step forward in maturing. You can lovingly let go of her and allow her to follow her own journey. Which, if she is fortunate, will someday end in peaceful sobriety. She may be in a different place, but she is still a real person with a real right to sobriety if she chooses it. Even without good old Crazed, who loved her enough to let her go.

Crazed

Oh... This just isn't possible. There is no way she could get well and be happy without me around. And it is my responsibilty to fix her.

..... just kidding

FireSprite

I wonder this kind of stuff sometimes - WHAT IF she can ONLY be sober without you? Would you rather she be sober & not a part of your life or part of your life & in a state of constant relapse/crisis?

Crazed, you really have come a long, long way!

dandylion

Dear Crazed, also, try to imagine it in the reverse direction. You can see her becoming sober and living a great "normal" life---and poor you, sitting alone, on a rock, and crying: "How did I get left out of this (when I was so in love with her).

Her recovery may or may not happen--you have no control--since it has nothing to do with you. (sorry).

HOW ABOUT THIS: Crazed, 5 yrs. from now, sitting happily on a sunny rock--with his s*** together; in a healthy, mutually nurturing relationship and living life to his full potential; no longer needing to grieve a relationship that did not work out??

You don't know how it will turn out for her. You can make sure that it does work out this way for you. There would be no reason that you should matter so little that you would sit on a shelf--in suspended misery---for the next years wanting something that might not happen.

Even as you go on living---we all get that you would wish her well.

Crazed, I know that much of what we are saying will not "soak in" right now--because I believe that you are still in the grieving process. Grieving SUCKS---but, you have no choice but to go through it. Grieving comes to an eventual end (if you don't block it too much). Then new life begins--and you will love the new life---with memories of the previous pain taking it's rightful place in your memories of this life journey.

I have been through this--that is how I can say these things to you.

Have faith in your self; have faith in your higher power (in whatever form that is for you).

very sincerely, dandylion

Crazed

Thank you all for the support.

I would like to say as a mature adult - yes. If she is happy and healthy, I would love her enough to let her be - Happy and healthy. It is getting me to act like a mature adult that seems to be somewhat of a challenge.

This may very well be the case. Unfortunately, I would read this incorrectly as I was somehow responsible for her drinking.

Either way, who knows what the future holds. For either one of us. One day at a time...

FireSprite

I know it can be interpreted that way, but that's not how I meant it. Glad you didn't take it that way!