Exah's sentencing for aggravated stalking behind me.....
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Exah's sentencing for aggravated stalking behind me.....
First of all, I just want to say thank you again for all of your encouragement and support. I felt your presence yesterday. I really did.
I'm still trying to process all the emotions and feelings that flooded my heart and mind yesterday. I've just been all over the place emotionally since walking out of that courtroom yesterday.
Last time, when I had to actually testify against him, I didn't feel anything when I looked at him. Yesterday was a different story. When it came time for sentencing, I saw the man I married and loved so much. I know in my head that he is very sick and potentially dangerous to me. I KNOW this in my head but my heart plays tricks on me. My heart sees the man I loved so much, married, had a child with, and planned to grow old with. My heart sees my old best friend.
It therefore hurt to just SEE him yesterday. I am baffled that after all this time, and after two years of working a program, I still had this internal battle raging inside me. I hate that. I really do. On some level, I want to hate him. I want to be angry. I want to feel contempt. But I don't. And I can't. I just feel sadness and compassion towards him. I don't have any control over my emotions. They are what they are. As much as I'd like to say that I felt empowered or a sense of satisfaction when I walked out of that courtroom yesterday, I only felt sadness. Addiction is such an insidious, destructive, and devastating disease. It's tenacles reach far and wide.
I didn't feel sad that he was in jail. I know this is where he needs to be. I didn't feel sad I filed charges. Again, I did the right thing. You know what made me sad? When the judge asked my exah if he has a problem with drugs and alcohol, my exah flat out said "NO". He said "I don't know what this is about me having a problem with drugs and alochol...I haven't had a drink since August.." Well...my exah has been in jail since August...it's no wonder he hasn't had a drink.
This man's life has been COMPLETELY destroyed by this disease. Our marriage and our friendship have been destroyed. Our family has been torn apart. He has lost his freedom. He is likely headed to prison on other more serious charges related to his drinking. He hasn't seen his kids in almost a year. He is broke and homeless and destitute and yet he still does not see or cannot admit that he has a problem with drugs or alcohol.
When they say this is a disease of DENIAL, they sure aren't kidding.
I know that I have built a solid foundation of recovery for myself. I know our son is building a similar foundation with the help of al ateen. I KNOW we are going to be okay no matter what exah does. This is huge. I can't lose sight of this. I need to continue to turn my exah over to the care of his higher power and live my life. But I don't want to lose hope. As long as he is alive, there is hope.
I think I just need a while to regroup from this experience. I have to trust that all of this is part of my higher power's plan for me...and even for my exah. I don't understand it...I don't like it...but I do trust that God is working in my life.
Thanks again to all of you...your steely stink eyes, blankets, prayers and good thoughts were all with me yesterday. I know you were all there with me.
I'm still trying to process all the emotions and feelings that flooded my heart and mind yesterday. I've just been all over the place emotionally since walking out of that courtroom yesterday.
Last time, when I had to actually testify against him, I didn't feel anything when I looked at him. Yesterday was a different story. When it came time for sentencing, I saw the man I married and loved so much. I know in my head that he is very sick and potentially dangerous to me. I KNOW this in my head but my heart plays tricks on me. My heart sees the man I loved so much, married, had a child with, and planned to grow old with. My heart sees my old best friend.
It therefore hurt to just SEE him yesterday. I am baffled that after all this time, and after two years of working a program, I still had this internal battle raging inside me. I hate that. I really do. On some level, I want to hate him. I want to be angry. I want to feel contempt. But I don't. And I can't. I just feel sadness and compassion towards him. I don't have any control over my emotions. They are what they are. As much as I'd like to say that I felt empowered or a sense of satisfaction when I walked out of that courtroom yesterday, I only felt sadness. Addiction is such an insidious, destructive, and devastating disease. It's tenacles reach far and wide.
I didn't feel sad that he was in jail. I know this is where he needs to be. I didn't feel sad I filed charges. Again, I did the right thing. You know what made me sad? When the judge asked my exah if he has a problem with drugs and alcohol, my exah flat out said "NO". He said "I don't know what this is about me having a problem with drugs and alochol...I haven't had a drink since August.." Well...my exah has been in jail since August...it's no wonder he hasn't had a drink.
This man's life has been COMPLETELY destroyed by this disease. Our marriage and our friendship have been destroyed. Our family has been torn apart. He has lost his freedom. He is likely headed to prison on other more serious charges related to his drinking. He hasn't seen his kids in almost a year. He is broke and homeless and destitute and yet he still does not see or cannot admit that he has a problem with drugs or alcohol.
When they say this is a disease of DENIAL, they sure aren't kidding.
I know that I have built a solid foundation of recovery for myself. I know our son is building a similar foundation with the help of al ateen. I KNOW we are going to be okay no matter what exah does. This is huge. I can't lose sight of this. I need to continue to turn my exah over to the care of his higher power and live my life. But I don't want to lose hope. As long as he is alive, there is hope.
I think I just need a while to regroup from this experience. I have to trust that all of this is part of my higher power's plan for me...and even for my exah. I don't understand it...I don't like it...but I do trust that God is working in my life.
Thanks again to all of you...your steely stink eyes, blankets, prayers and good thoughts were all with me yesterday. I know you were all there with me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
I am glad you made it through.
I just posted this same sentiment. It is baffling, but feelings are what they are.
I am baffled that after all this time, and after two years of working a program, I still had this internal battle raging inside me. I hate that. I really do. On some level, I want to hate him. I want to be angry. I want to feel contempt. But I don't. And I can't. I just feel sadness and compassion towards him. I don't have any control over my emotions. They are what they are.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Working a program does not in anyway mean that we will not have feelings.
A sense of compassion for ourselves inevitably leads to compassion for others.
If you did not have strong feelings after all that you have walked through I personally would find that odd.
You lost someone you love in a terrilbly hard way. It's okay to feel those feelings, you are not acting on them, that's the evidence of your dedication to the program.
So glad that chapter is over. You are very strong.
Katie
A sense of compassion for ourselves inevitably leads to compassion for others.
If you did not have strong feelings after all that you have walked through I personally would find that odd.
You lost someone you love in a terrilbly hard way. It's okay to feel those feelings, you are not acting on them, that's the evidence of your dedication to the program.
So glad that chapter is over. You are very strong.
Katie
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
On some level, I want to hate him. I want to be angry. I want to feel contempt. But I don't. And I can't. I just feel sadness and compassion towards him. I don't have any control over my emotions. They are what they are. As much as I'd like to say that I felt empowered or a sense of satisfaction when I walked out of that courtroom yesterday, I only felt sadness.
The sadness and compassion are the next step.
Well, they were for me anyway.
Steely stink eyes are needed when my natural way is to say,
"he didn't mean it, he is ill, I cannot be furious at him now"
When he is facing the natural consequences of his addiction (including the super sized denial).
You are a lovely person Mary.
I KNOW we are going to be okay no matter what exah does. This is huge.
Yep, I know it too. It is huge to know it will be fine.
Keep turning it over.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
just my thoughts ~
i believe it is perfectly healthy to have those emotions ~ to me it shows just how far you have come in your recovery
It is a wonderful testament of your ability to truly understand the depths of the disease and to be able to have healthy compassion for someone who suffers gravely from it's hold.
Please continue your self-care - this is one of those processes that is like major emotional surgery that requires lots of healing time - your mind & spirit has been thru an ordeal - give yourself the tender loving care you would your physical body if you had been thru physical surgery. You deserve the time to heal thru the grief.
Once again - thank you for sharing your brave story with us - for me, it encourages me always.
gentle loving pink hugs (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
i believe it is perfectly healthy to have those emotions ~ to me it shows just how far you have come in your recovery
It is a wonderful testament of your ability to truly understand the depths of the disease and to be able to have healthy compassion for someone who suffers gravely from it's hold.
Please continue your self-care - this is one of those processes that is like major emotional surgery that requires lots of healing time - your mind & spirit has been thru an ordeal - give yourself the tender loving care you would your physical body if you had been thru physical surgery. You deserve the time to heal thru the grief.
Once again - thank you for sharing your brave story with us - for me, it encourages me always.
gentle loving pink hugs (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Outonalimb-
In a much less serious situation a few weeks ago I ran into some similar emotions.
In the course of an evening I ran into my ex-MIL and the best friend and his wife of my ex. Late last year I had written both, stated that I did not think that in any way they were at fault, but that I wanted no contact with them.
I acknowledged all of them with a "hi" and just kept walking. My MIL got up to come and talk to me, and I just kept walking. Seeing them made me anxious. Then I got upset that it made me anxious and just flat out made me uncomfortable. In my pre-recovery days I would have made small talk and "pretended" it was all okay. Then probably I would have gone home and in the privacy of my own home burst into tears. Previously I would have made it all my fault. The newness of it was that I sad "hi" and kept walking.
This is a drop in the bucket compared to what you experienced yesterday, but I suspect it was I think the feelings you had yesterday were so normal. I think that you felt them and are working on them shows your recovery in such a lovely way.
How could this not be hard and challenging? Just reading your experience it sounded hard to me.
Thanks for sharing and showing your recovery in a lovely light.
In a much less serious situation a few weeks ago I ran into some similar emotions.
In the course of an evening I ran into my ex-MIL and the best friend and his wife of my ex. Late last year I had written both, stated that I did not think that in any way they were at fault, but that I wanted no contact with them.
I acknowledged all of them with a "hi" and just kept walking. My MIL got up to come and talk to me, and I just kept walking. Seeing them made me anxious. Then I got upset that it made me anxious and just flat out made me uncomfortable. In my pre-recovery days I would have made small talk and "pretended" it was all okay. Then probably I would have gone home and in the privacy of my own home burst into tears. Previously I would have made it all my fault. The newness of it was that I sad "hi" and kept walking.
This is a drop in the bucket compared to what you experienced yesterday, but I suspect it was I think the feelings you had yesterday were so normal. I think that you felt them and are working on them shows your recovery in such a lovely way.
How could this not be hard and challenging? Just reading your experience it sounded hard to me.
Thanks for sharing and showing your recovery in a lovely light.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Really needed to read this post today.
You sound strong. And stop sound like you know that feelings are jus feelings and nothing that needs to compel you to act in any particular way.
Feeling compassion is only dangerous if it makes you lose awareness of how destructive he has become. It sounds like that is not a risk for you.
I'm sorry for your pain. But I'm glad you stood up for yourself and your son despite that. You should be very proud of how far you have come.
You sound strong. And stop sound like you know that feelings are jus feelings and nothing that needs to compel you to act in any particular way.
Feeling compassion is only dangerous if it makes you lose awareness of how destructive he has become. It sounds like that is not a risk for you.
I'm sorry for your pain. But I'm glad you stood up for yourself and your son despite that. You should be very proud of how far you have come.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
"As long as he is alive, there is hope."
I think Mary a lot of us can say the same thing. Every time I'm getting overwhelmed with compassion for my ex and think that I will see him I have to pull myself back and not act on that feeling, ugh, it can be so hard. You've come a long way, Mary, keep moving forward.
I think Mary a lot of us can say the same thing. Every time I'm getting overwhelmed with compassion for my ex and think that I will see him I have to pull myself back and not act on that feeling, ugh, it can be so hard. You've come a long way, Mary, keep moving forward.
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