Dominica2

I have been through so much **** lately. Things are looking up. I landed a job at 35 thousand a year. Husband is about to get hired on at 42 an hour. I did the alchy thing and blamed my rape, grandmothers death, loss of employment, etc....just so I could still drink. But doesn't the drink emplore such things? My house is paid off, cars too. We are doing good. So why the hell am I still doing this? I am my own worst enemy, my own self destructor. My mind is my own prison. I grieve hard, I hate hard. I am so obsessed with my own self loathing and depression I can't focus on what the hell is important. It is a cycle, but most have you have overcome this....I know I am weak minded, I know I am selfish. Many of you have always given sooo much support towards to my sobriety. I am so sick of the redundancy. My prison of my mind keeps me captive, yet everyday I will say today is the day I quit. But as soon as I get home I drink, reeking of alcohol the next day. I cannot Fck this up, the good state I am in, that is. If I continue this life...I will die. I am so damn selfish yet I love the people around me with all of my soul. Just venting. Thanks for listening SR. You all help me out when all hope is lost.

Mizzuno

Hey you. This beating yourself up is not helping the situation. What if you went out and volunteered to help something? How about walking dogs at the local shelter? Serving food down at the food bank? What are 10 things that you are grateful for?
There are some things that we have to do until we just CANT do it any longer. For me, i had to learn my lesson hard. That meant that i lost in the process. You can get sober. If you want it bad enough it will happen for you. We are here for you. Vent away. Just dont give up.

Dominica2

Thanks Mizz, I really am not trying to dwell on misery. My grandmother was my mother. My real mother was shot in the head by my father 20 years ago and is paralyzed from the neck down. I really don't know sobriety. I had post pardum after I had my daughter, it sparked my alcoholism. Why the hell can't I kick it? This **** is poison. Thanks for the encouragement.

Mizzuno

You can kick it. You can do this. There are so many of us who got sober. It is challenging at times, you already know that. Not drinking is so much better than the alternative. I was depressed and self loathing while drinking. There was always so much to clean up internally and externally. We all have our stuff and some of it is really bad stuff to deal with. Ive got mine. It doesnt mean that drinking will change anything that I have gone through. In fact not drinking makes a lot of it easier and i am feeling a sense of resolve with it. You can do this!

Jeni26

Hey Dom, good to see you back and posting.

It isn't hopeless, never give up hope. You have had a really rough ride over the past year, it would have thrown any one of us off track.

Many people have faced desperate situations and have moved forward. You can do the same. Believe there is a better way of living for you, because its true.

What are you doing for your recovery? Have you got a plan?xxx

instant

Both roads are hard. The difference is the sobriety road is harder at first but gets easier.

i hope you can build a foundation you can work with. I now know what seems impossible is possible.

least

I hope you can come up with a plan to stop drinking. You know it will end badly if you don't stop. You've always got support here.

Weasel1966

Great to see you back Dom!

Let all those feeling of self loathing go and let them just dissintegrate into better feelings with each post.

Glad you saw that you used things as the excuse. Some dont ever see that.

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Ken

Dee74

I'm glad to see you back here too Dom.
It's never too late

Beating yourself up serves no purpose but to make it easier to drink again. You're certainly no worse than I was, and probably considerably better

Sometimes I think it's less about facing stuff as it is letting go of the fear of facing stuff, sober.

I found I imagined it hurt a lot worse than it actually did to finally put the bottle down and embrace life.

I hope you'll decide to do that too. You deserve it. We all do

D

visch1

Hi. Not knowing your story I see patterns most have, many remember when scenes in their memory. Boy did I hate the struggle and the idea that AA was needed for me. Resistance was my sore point for a couple years until I finally asked for help out of desperation. For me it was dishonesty turned to being honest with myself. Acceptance slowly came into the picture and then getting in AA made the difference. These forums are good however many need the personal touch of live people before, during and after the meetings. Nothing like a 2 hour coffee meeting at some ones house or coffee shop after a meeting. BE WELL.

hypochondriac

I found that my drinking wasn't contingent on any external factors. My life would be going great and I'd still be drinking. It's horrible that you've had such a tough time but I suspect even if you hadn't it wouldn't have changed your drinking. Have you tried any recovery programs before, something for an extra layer of support? Glad you're back x