easiersaid

I let XABF borrow my car to run an errand. Told him to be at my place at 4:30. He was on time, and brought the girls a pet fish home. But the second he walked in the door I could see a change in him. His complexion, his eyes, his voice.. And he locked the bathroom door got a few seconds. What for? To put makeup on his arm. He was nauseous earlier today and said he was having a hard time with drug cravings. He claims to have shot up suboxone this past Wednesday and that he had a reaction to it which is why he put makeup on his arm. I call ********. To that and to the claim that he injected suboxone. I just don't think he would do that. And I know how he acts and smells and looks like! But he denied that he used anything today! I just had a huge overwhelming feeling that he had used the second the walked through the door! This drives me nuts! And once again he wants me to apologize and says that I'm wrong and puts on his pouty face... What the freakin omg!!!!!!!!! I'm losing it.

lilyB2013

I completely understand- I see this same sort of thing with the AXBF I still live with. I wouldn't be surprised if he's still using... At this point I assume that's what mine is still doing. It feels better to just operate under that assumption. It's easier to care for myself if I do that than wracking my brain for answers.

easiersaid

He even offered to but a drug test.. Then told me to use my money to buy it. But I just didnt want to sound 40 dollars on something for him to pee in that wouldn't even change how I feel. It would just make me even more crazy. If it ended up being negative I would have wondered what he did to screw up the results. He's in drug court and one more failed drug test for them could land him right in jail..

lilyB2013

Ya- I've had that thrown in my face, too. "If you don't trust me, you should just test me!"

That's unacceptable. I should be able to trust someone I love, unconditionally. The moment he stops acting shady is the moment I can start to trust again.

I definitely encourage you to try to stop letting the little things he does be your main focus- it's what's been helping me a lot, especially when I notice my AXBF is doing things that are weird and out of character. Taking care of my business, focusing on one day at a time has been a saving grace. And I know it's hard- it's SO HARD. But when I find my mind wandering to what he's doing- I literally talk to myself aloud and say:

"NO. It doesn't matter what he's doing- what are YOU doing? Aren't you supposed to be working on something? Go do that."

Sounds totally lame written out, but coaching myself through it, being on the forums, writing in my journal, and reading CoDependent literature has been keeping me afloat.

bamboo38

NEVER doubt your instincts. I have said "I can feel it in my DNA" when my xabf is off the rails. They can talk you up and down and inside out, but you know what you know. I've even heard -- at least twice -- go ahead, give me a drug test! And when it's positive, it's never his fault. But it sounds like you know, or are learning, not to question yourself. After a while, you don't need to even ask.

atalose

I think I might call “bull sh*t” too. Suboxone is usually taken orally but an addict can cook up anything, Suboxone contains naloxone a drug that counteracts the effects of the opioid component of this drug when injection. So shooting up this medication can bring about rapid and severe withdrawal symptoms.

Denial is at the heart of addiction, he’s going to deny using with all he has. It’s almost a classic statement for them to say “go ahead drug test me”. And had you gone and bought one he’d have some other classic statement about “not trusting him”.

Trust you gut it never lies to you it never blames you and it never turns things around on you.

easiersaid

atalose, I have in fact bought him a test before after he told me to and the whole way to the store he was going on and on about me not trusting him. Right now he's texting me saying he doesnt want to live anymore. I told him if he keeps talking like that I'll have to take him seriously and call the police.

lilyB2013

If he goes on and on about it, I suggest you call the cops. Call him out on it if he insists in trying to emotionally manipulate you--- it'll put a stop to it quick.

Maylie

Trust your gut. When addicts are in recovery those around them don't get weird feelings. In fact if he was truly in recovery it would be radiating off of him and instead of seeing him and wondering what is off about him you would be looking at him going "wow I can't believe how far he has come".

Locking doors, putting makeup on his arm, making excuses, etc. are all signs of active addiction. Even if he did shoot up his suboxone, that is just as bad as shooting up his drug of choice. Either way it is active using and it is not recovery. He shouldn't even be thinking about needles never mind abusing his medication.

I would be careful allowing him to use your car. If he hits someone then that is on you, never mind that it is your car and if he ruins it then YOU are screwed. Have you considered setting a boundary that if he is actively using that you will not be around him and that he cannot be around your children? You and your children don't deserve to be dealing with someone who is acting shady and actively using.

easiersaid

Thank you all for helping me through this mess. I'm so glad I stumbled upon this site several months ago. I think I have come a pretty long way since then but I obviously still have my moments of extreme codependency! Yikes! And the things he is texting ne tonight aren't making me feel any better about my decision to make him leave. Says he was gonna put a ring on my finger, but I showed him that it will never happen. And that he will always love me and miss me, and that he may disappear in a week for a while and not to let any other man be called daddy by our kids.. Oh my good grief! Why?! I think I'm pretty much freaking out now. Times like this make me wish my therapist was a live-in.

zoso77

So you've figured out what (more than likely) happened. Classic question, isn't it? You gonna believe me or your lyin' eyes...

incitingsilence

The naxolone in the sub has no bearing at all. It can not compete with the bup. The bup will forever be the blocker and will be what strips the receptors and causes participated withdrawal if you use to soon and aren‘t in wd enough.

If you are clean, meaning your receptors are clear of opiates, you can shoot sub and you will can get high. This has been well known from before sub hit the market in the US. Sub is a very complicated drug, and hard to explain.

Drug testing, not worth the time, energy or cash. You could’ve spend that money on something for yourself. Usually if you feel like something is off it is off. And if the make crazy starts running, well that can be a confirmation.

Protect yourself, and take good care of you and your children.

graciousone

You know what that's what all addicts say if you don't trust me, test me! It's a reverse psychology thing. My ABF know not to say that to me, cuz I will. then if it's positive he's out and he knows i'm serious. He doesn't even challenge me that way way anymore, cuz he knows i'll do it. I don't care if he gets mad and he knows it.

My question is so you test him and it comes out positive, what do you do? Nothing but get crazy? and how does that help. It my BF tests positve i don't get crazy or mad, I just say see ya. I don't give him money, ever! and he never asks. in this situation you have two choices. Be stronger than him, don't be afraid of losing him and then he can't manipulate you. Or if that makes you too crazy, break up with him and be done. You'll be ok, you really will.

My BF is still my BF because what he does doesn't drive me crazy, It's a decision I made once I realized the pattern of his behavior and there is a pattern.

It's your choice, you can't keep him from using. so stop driving yourself crazy. You accept it and set boundaries and be firm with them and follow through or break up and be done.

All he'll do is lie when he is using. once my BF told me the truth about his addiction and read a lot and came on here to learn. I dealt with him very differently. we are still together, but he doesn't drive me crazy. i don't wonder anymore. I have bounderies and when he crosses them, he knows the deal. I'm always calm, but firm. He also knows what is a deal breaker for me and he knows I'll walk.

shockozulu

I finally learned through trial and error it doesn't matter if she used or not. If the behavior is there I will assume she did until I see or hear differently.

I got so tired of the guessing game with my mother that by the time sis began using I didn't care what or when. It drove my sister crazy when I got up and left the house. Sorry but if your behavior is erratic I'm not going to be around you. If you are paranoid to listen to my phone calls I'm acting as if you are using. If you suddenly leave for a short period of time I'm assuming you are getting drugs and will protect myself accordingly. If you lock yourself in the bathroom the second you come home from a short errand I'm assuming you are using and I'm going to a friends house for a while

laurie6781

This is QUACKING pure and simple. When he does this and you haven't yet gone no contact, think of the BIG WHITE AFLAC DUCK, and picture it going QUACK QUACK QUACK. Oh and you can set the ringtone for his calls to a Quacking Duck. Let's you know right away who it is and allows you to decide if you want to answer or let it go to voice mail.

He is being a 'typical addict' and is attempting to use his 'quacking' to manipulate you into taking him back. He is trying to 'lay a guilt trip on you'. You don't have to accept the guilt trip, not at all.

He is telling you who and what he is, BELIEVE HIM. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this drama and chaos? I think not. Do you want your children to have to live with this chaos and drama?

You did good, asking him to leave. I hope you are attending some Naranon or Alanon meetings and/or getting some one on one time with a therapist who specializes in Addiction.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care so very much. Know that we are walking with you in spirit, and when you are really feeling down, picture whatever space you are in TOTALLY FILLED with all of us here at SR, it does help, honest.

Love and hugs,

AnvilheadII

you freaking out is not helpful, at all. it's time to stop reacting and letting your emotions sweep you down the river. it's time to stop the madness and it stops with YOU.

no more lending him your car, your money, your couch, or your food. no more reacting to each text and thinking it's somehow a different bunch of gobbledegook than the last 500 texts.
no more making yourself crazy wondering if he's using. he's using. period.
if he is THAT concerned about being anybody's FATHER, then he'd get his damn head out of his @ss, take himself straight to treatment, church, NA or a doctor AND GET HELP. he'd stop harrassing you, and he'd dedicate the remaining minutes days and hours of HIS LIFE to being the best MAN possible and the best FATHER possible, contributing financially and emotionally to their well being.

until you see that.........he can just go eff off. everything else is just games.

Vale

(everything else is just games)

That's poetry,AnvilheadII!

ahhhhhh,addiction.
Actions are everything......all else is but dust and air!

tjp613

Poetry indeed.