My baby sister is addicted to pain pills
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: KC MO
Posts: 12
My baby sister is addicted to pain pills
I'm copying my first post from the newcomers board below.
Greetings,
I signed up on this site to explore possible options and see what others have done to aid in their personal recovery or aiding their loved ones in recovery. My baby sister, whom I raised for the most part as a child, has developed and addiction to pain pills and a drinking problem on top of it. Last night (Early this morning I suppose) she hit rock bottom. She physically assaulted me because I would not let her jump out of a moving vehicle. I had to physically restrain her for the duration of the 15 minute car ride home. It was her birthday and she was highly intoxicated and high on pain pills. After arriving home, she continued to physically assault me, my mother, step dad, cousin and aunt. I had to carry her over my shoulder into the house while she bit/scratched/punched and flailed. As I approached the house, while carrying her, she grabbed onto the bush in the front yard and yanked herself out of my carry. She fell to the concrete and smacked her head. She has a fractured skull and is currently in the hospital.
After this incident, I decided to sit down and write what was on my mind. I wrote a short story about my relationship with my baby sister, and then I wrote a letter to my baby sister that I plan to give to her in the very near future.
The short story summarizes our life, relationship and hardships. The letter to her is my resignation. I cannot continue to live this way and I will no longer be a part of her life. I will not enable her anymore by being a part of her life until she gets professional help.
I would really like some opinions on the matter. I really want to have this letter delivered to my sister and I want her to read the words that I have not had the strength to say to her face. I want advice on whether or not the letter could have any negative consequences.
I will copy the short story and letter below.
Short Story
---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a young girl that could brighten my whole day with, simply, a laugh or a smile; someone that I loved talking to and being around. I could trust this girl with all my secrets and she would have taken a bullet for me, just as I would for her. I knew this girl to be the most caring and loving person in my entire world. I bragged to all my friends about this accomplished young girl AND it was obvious to everyone around that she was the apple of my eye.
I adored this young girl and for many years I looked after her as if she was not only my sister, but more. I took an almost father-figure like role for this young girl and I was blessed with the opportunity to see her blossom. She blossomed into this mature, young adult with all of her priorities in line. You have no idea what it feels like to see such a transformation; a young girl becoming a lady. This girl had everything going for her in life… And I loved her more than anything I’ve ever loved.
This juvenile seed had sprouted into a beautiful flower, full of color and life. I was so proud to be her brother; however, I was sad because I knew that I could not keep her under my wing forever. My baby caterpillar had changed into a beautiful butterfly with wings of its own. I felt very bitter-sweet about the situation. This, newly independent, young lady had started a new life and began her own journey. She started out on a straight path but somewhere along the way she had drifted off in an unknown direction.
I had always wanted the best for her and never approved of any of the boys that she dated. I loved my sister dearly and only wanted the best for her. No guy would ever be good enough for my baby sister. I, also, knew that she was now her own person. I allowed her to make her own decisions and to learn from her own mistakes. However, somewhere along her path she had become very lost.
I watched slowly as my sisters priorities in life had changed. She was no longer the mature young lady that I had bragged about to friends over the years. She had become a stranger and my heart broke every time I saw this person. It has been difficult for me over the past few years because I see the outer shell of the girl I loved with all my heart; yet, a stranger has filled the inside.
I despise of this stranger from the deepest part of my heart. I hate the person that has stolen my beautiful, fun-loving baby sister from my life. It has been years since I’ve seen the sister that I kept so close to my heart and I grieve constantly because I have to see the stranger that replaced her. This stranger has taken more from me than anyone will ever know. The worst feeling in the world is when you feel like your most loved one has died; yet, they still have a pulse and a heartbeat.
This stranger, whom I talk about, goes by the name Addiction. Addiction has taken my baby sister, and I want her back! My life has not been the same since I've had her stolen away from me.
Personal Letter
--------------------------------------------------------------
Sister,
You have no idea how much I love you and how important you are to my life. I love you so much that I must do something that I never thought I could do. This is the last time you will hear from me. I will have this letter delivered to you and this will be the last you will ever hear from me unless you make some drastic changes in your life.
I cannot stand the person that you have become. You’re so lost and I can’t keep watching you deteriorate. I miss my sister and I hate this person you are now. You have become so lost over the years and I have become so bitter. It makes me sick to my stomach every time I’m around you. My beautiful, fun-loving, caring sister is dead to me. There is now a stranger that fills her shoes and I refuse to be a part of this stranger’s life. This stranger is not my sister and I hate this person with all of my heart.
You need to get help and your opinion does not matter in this case. I don’t care if you don’t think that you have a problem. If you care about and love me enough then you will get help regardless of your opinion of whether or not you are addicted to drugs.
Less than 2 months ago you had a nearly fatal seizure. Last night you physically assaulted me for the duration of our car ride home because I would not let you jump out of a moving car. I had to restrain you while you: punched, kicked, bit, scratched and spit on me. After we arrived home safely, you continued to physically assault me in the front yard. I never retaliated and I even watched as you physically assaulted our mother. You had to be restrained again and then I attempted to carry you into the house while you were still biting, scratching and punching me. As I struggled to carry you up the stairs while you were physically assaulting me, you decided to grab on to the bush so I could not take you inside. At this point you yanked yourself out of my arms and fell to the concrete. I heard your skull smash against the concrete. I had never felt so much heart ache in my entire life.
The cops and paramedics had already been dispatched and arrived shortly after. You resisted arrest with the cops and struggled with the paramedics; however, they finally got you loaded up in the ambulance. Mom, step dad and I drove to the emergency room to find out that you had suffered a fractured skull.
I seriously hope you consider getting help.
I will miss you dearly,
Joey
Greetings,
I signed up on this site to explore possible options and see what others have done to aid in their personal recovery or aiding their loved ones in recovery. My baby sister, whom I raised for the most part as a child, has developed and addiction to pain pills and a drinking problem on top of it. Last night (Early this morning I suppose) she hit rock bottom. She physically assaulted me because I would not let her jump out of a moving vehicle. I had to physically restrain her for the duration of the 15 minute car ride home. It was her birthday and she was highly intoxicated and high on pain pills. After arriving home, she continued to physically assault me, my mother, step dad, cousin and aunt. I had to carry her over my shoulder into the house while she bit/scratched/punched and flailed. As I approached the house, while carrying her, she grabbed onto the bush in the front yard and yanked herself out of my carry. She fell to the concrete and smacked her head. She has a fractured skull and is currently in the hospital.
After this incident, I decided to sit down and write what was on my mind. I wrote a short story about my relationship with my baby sister, and then I wrote a letter to my baby sister that I plan to give to her in the very near future.
The short story summarizes our life, relationship and hardships. The letter to her is my resignation. I cannot continue to live this way and I will no longer be a part of her life. I will not enable her anymore by being a part of her life until she gets professional help.
I would really like some opinions on the matter. I really want to have this letter delivered to my sister and I want her to read the words that I have not had the strength to say to her face. I want advice on whether or not the letter could have any negative consequences.
I will copy the short story and letter below.
Short Story
---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a young girl that could brighten my whole day with, simply, a laugh or a smile; someone that I loved talking to and being around. I could trust this girl with all my secrets and she would have taken a bullet for me, just as I would for her. I knew this girl to be the most caring and loving person in my entire world. I bragged to all my friends about this accomplished young girl AND it was obvious to everyone around that she was the apple of my eye.
I adored this young girl and for many years I looked after her as if she was not only my sister, but more. I took an almost father-figure like role for this young girl and I was blessed with the opportunity to see her blossom. She blossomed into this mature, young adult with all of her priorities in line. You have no idea what it feels like to see such a transformation; a young girl becoming a lady. This girl had everything going for her in life… And I loved her more than anything I’ve ever loved.
This juvenile seed had sprouted into a beautiful flower, full of color and life. I was so proud to be her brother; however, I was sad because I knew that I could not keep her under my wing forever. My baby caterpillar had changed into a beautiful butterfly with wings of its own. I felt very bitter-sweet about the situation. This, newly independent, young lady had started a new life and began her own journey. She started out on a straight path but somewhere along the way she had drifted off in an unknown direction.
I had always wanted the best for her and never approved of any of the boys that she dated. I loved my sister dearly and only wanted the best for her. No guy would ever be good enough for my baby sister. I, also, knew that she was now her own person. I allowed her to make her own decisions and to learn from her own mistakes. However, somewhere along her path she had become very lost.
I watched slowly as my sisters priorities in life had changed. She was no longer the mature young lady that I had bragged about to friends over the years. She had become a stranger and my heart broke every time I saw this person. It has been difficult for me over the past few years because I see the outer shell of the girl I loved with all my heart; yet, a stranger has filled the inside.
I despise of this stranger from the deepest part of my heart. I hate the person that has stolen my beautiful, fun-loving baby sister from my life. It has been years since I’ve seen the sister that I kept so close to my heart and I grieve constantly because I have to see the stranger that replaced her. This stranger has taken more from me than anyone will ever know. The worst feeling in the world is when you feel like your most loved one has died; yet, they still have a pulse and a heartbeat.
This stranger, whom I talk about, goes by the name Addiction. Addiction has taken my baby sister, and I want her back! My life has not been the same since I've had her stolen away from me.
Personal Letter
--------------------------------------------------------------
Sister,
You have no idea how much I love you and how important you are to my life. I love you so much that I must do something that I never thought I could do. This is the last time you will hear from me. I will have this letter delivered to you and this will be the last you will ever hear from me unless you make some drastic changes in your life.
I cannot stand the person that you have become. You’re so lost and I can’t keep watching you deteriorate. I miss my sister and I hate this person you are now. You have become so lost over the years and I have become so bitter. It makes me sick to my stomach every time I’m around you. My beautiful, fun-loving, caring sister is dead to me. There is now a stranger that fills her shoes and I refuse to be a part of this stranger’s life. This stranger is not my sister and I hate this person with all of my heart.
You need to get help and your opinion does not matter in this case. I don’t care if you don’t think that you have a problem. If you care about and love me enough then you will get help regardless of your opinion of whether or not you are addicted to drugs.
Less than 2 months ago you had a nearly fatal seizure. Last night you physically assaulted me for the duration of our car ride home because I would not let you jump out of a moving car. I had to restrain you while you: punched, kicked, bit, scratched and spit on me. After we arrived home safely, you continued to physically assault me in the front yard. I never retaliated and I even watched as you physically assaulted our mother. You had to be restrained again and then I attempted to carry you into the house while you were still biting, scratching and punching me. As I struggled to carry you up the stairs while you were physically assaulting me, you decided to grab on to the bush so I could not take you inside. At this point you yanked yourself out of my arms and fell to the concrete. I heard your skull smash against the concrete. I had never felt so much heart ache in my entire life.
The cops and paramedics had already been dispatched and arrived shortly after. You resisted arrest with the cops and struggled with the paramedics; however, they finally got you loaded up in the ambulance. Mom, step dad and I drove to the emergency room to find out that you had suffered a fractured skull.
I seriously hope you consider getting help.
I will miss you dearly,
Joey
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Joey,
I'm so sorry for the pain you've experienced with your little sister's addiction. Sooner or later, those of us who love an addict, come to the point you have reached. There is no amount of love, reasoning, pleading, helping, leading, etc. that will make your sister want to stop using drugs. We are powerless over their addiction.
My 22 year old son is an alcoholic and I can remember feeling many of the feelings that you so eloquently put in words.
There is much knowledge and information on this site, so I hope you stick around. Right now, you need to work on YOU. You may find out that once she loses her "support", it may be enough to push her to the bottom and want to get clean.
We came to the point in our family where we told our son (who lived at home) that he could not drink in our home. And, if he did, he was out. He was at the point in his life where his alcoholism had really isolated him. He had no where to go. We'd supported him with rehabs, but we were at the end of our support. He had a rough few days and finally hit a bottom where he knew he was powerless over alcohol. He's now been sober almost four months. He is working full time, going to school, attending AA meetings daily, and seems to be getting his spark back for life.
So, its not hopeless for your sister. Many do get it eventually- but you unfortunately don't have the power to do it.
I'm so sorry for the pain you've experienced with your little sister's addiction. Sooner or later, those of us who love an addict, come to the point you have reached. There is no amount of love, reasoning, pleading, helping, leading, etc. that will make your sister want to stop using drugs. We are powerless over their addiction.
My 22 year old son is an alcoholic and I can remember feeling many of the feelings that you so eloquently put in words.
There is much knowledge and information on this site, so I hope you stick around. Right now, you need to work on YOU. You may find out that once she loses her "support", it may be enough to push her to the bottom and want to get clean.
We came to the point in our family where we told our son (who lived at home) that he could not drink in our home. And, if he did, he was out. He was at the point in his life where his alcoholism had really isolated him. He had no where to go. We'd supported him with rehabs, but we were at the end of our support. He had a rough few days and finally hit a bottom where he knew he was powerless over alcohol. He's now been sober almost four months. He is working full time, going to school, attending AA meetings daily, and seems to be getting his spark back for life.
So, its not hopeless for your sister. Many do get it eventually- but you unfortunately don't have the power to do it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
This line here…
It shows that you have lost your way within her madness. She doesn’t use at you. It is not personal at all, don’t take it as such. Do you really think she doesn’t care, doesn’t love you just because she uses drugs?
I wouldn’t give her that letter. I would burn it, well unless you find you need to give her some more fuel to hurt herself.
Her addiction is not about you, it is not yours to fix, protect her from, love her less because of or need to love more just because. If love was enough, none of us would be here. Allow her the dignity to find her way, because she can and will when she is ready.
Accept that she is an addict. Find some boundaries, ones that keep you in a good place, in your life, meaning living it and ones that keep you from crossing the line and being part of the problem now the solution.
Addiction is a complicated disease. And I know how hard it is to watch someone you love use. Just as I know how it is to be on that other side, and the reactions of if you didn’t use then I would be ok. As if that is true, really. As if the addicts are the sole cause of the problem … and they aren’t, don’t buy into that view. Everyone else is out of their mind needing to react, because of themselves, not the addicts in their lives, even if they do make a good distraction. Don’t allow her to be the reason, the why to stay stuck and sick in your own right.
Addiction isn't called a family disease without good reason.
I will keep good thoughts for her.
Please seek out some support and get some help for you.
“If you care about and love me enough then you will get help regardless of your opinion of whether or not you are addicted to drugs.”
I wouldn’t give her that letter. I would burn it, well unless you find you need to give her some more fuel to hurt herself.
Her addiction is not about you, it is not yours to fix, protect her from, love her less because of or need to love more just because. If love was enough, none of us would be here. Allow her the dignity to find her way, because she can and will when she is ready.
Accept that she is an addict. Find some boundaries, ones that keep you in a good place, in your life, meaning living it and ones that keep you from crossing the line and being part of the problem now the solution.
Addiction is a complicated disease. And I know how hard it is to watch someone you love use. Just as I know how it is to be on that other side, and the reactions of if you didn’t use then I would be ok. As if that is true, really. As if the addicts are the sole cause of the problem … and they aren’t, don’t buy into that view. Everyone else is out of their mind needing to react, because of themselves, not the addicts in their lives, even if they do make a good distraction. Don’t allow her to be the reason, the why to stay stuck and sick in your own right.
Addiction isn't called a family disease without good reason.
I will keep good thoughts for her.
Please seek out some support and get some help for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I have more for you to think about....Couldn't edit.
And you owe her an apology. I know she used, I know she was high. Why were you restraining her, what was the purpose of this, and why couldn’t she just be left to be? And would she have gotten hurt in that moment if you did just leave her be. Just something to think about.
And How old is she, although I don't think my view would change at all, just curious.
And you owe her an apology. I know she used, I know she was high. Why were you restraining her, what was the purpose of this, and why couldn’t she just be left to be? And would she have gotten hurt in that moment if you did just leave her be. Just something to think about.
And How old is she, although I don't think my view would change at all, just curious.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I would strongly suggest you find an al-anon or nar-anon meeting for yourself to help you understand addiction and help you figure out your role as someone who loves an addict.
I agree with incitingsilence about her addiction is NOT being done to you. Is her behavior hurtful – of course and you do have every right to be angry and upset.
You also have every right to not want to be around her when she is in active addiction.
But threats don’t work with addicts you stating that unless she makes some drastic changes in her life you will pull your love away from her and not be bothered is setting yourself up for further disappointment from her. How about something more along the lines of “I love you but I will not be present in your life when you are using drugs”.
And next time someone is in your vehicle and becomes unruly and wants to jump out of your car…….pull over and put them out!!!! Not sure what you were thinking while driving a car and restraining her instead of just letting her out. Had you let her out instead of trying to CONTROL her you wouldn’t have gotten assaulted, she wouldn’t have fallen and fractured her skull.
You didn’t CAUSE her addiction.
You can’t CURE her addiction.
You can’t CONTROL her addiction.
((hugs))
I agree with incitingsilence about her addiction is NOT being done to you. Is her behavior hurtful – of course and you do have every right to be angry and upset.
You also have every right to not want to be around her when she is in active addiction.
But threats don’t work with addicts you stating that unless she makes some drastic changes in her life you will pull your love away from her and not be bothered is setting yourself up for further disappointment from her. How about something more along the lines of “I love you but I will not be present in your life when you are using drugs”.
And next time someone is in your vehicle and becomes unruly and wants to jump out of your car…….pull over and put them out!!!! Not sure what you were thinking while driving a car and restraining her instead of just letting her out. Had you let her out instead of trying to CONTROL her you wouldn’t have gotten assaulted, she wouldn’t have fallen and fractured her skull.
You didn’t CAUSE her addiction.
You can’t CURE her addiction.
You can’t CONTROL her addiction.
((hugs))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: KC MO
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by incitingsilence 
I have more for you to think about....Couldn't edit.
And you owe her an apology. I know she used, I know she was high. Why were you restraining her, what was the purpose of this, and why couldn’t she just be left to be? And would she have gotten hurt in that moment if you did just leave her be. Just something to think about.
And How old is she, although I don't think my view would change at all, just curious.
And you owe her an apology. I know she used, I know she was high. Why were you restraining her, what was the purpose of this, and why couldn’t she just be left to be? And would she have gotten hurt in that moment if you did just leave her be. Just something to think about.
And How old is she, although I don't think my view would change at all, just curious.
I do not owe her an apology. She was attempting to jump out of a vehicle going 45mph. I had to restrain her from jumping out and then restrain her from kicking out the car windows of a relative who was kind enough to give her a ride home.
I actually first took a lot of offense when I read this. However, maybe we are completely different people. I'm not going to let my sister kill herself when there's something that I can do to stop it. I had to hold her to save her, while she was punching, scratching, kicking, biting, and spitting on me. This is my baby sister and if you seriously think I was hurting her when I said restraining her... you have sadly mistaken. I have bite marks, scratches and bruises all over my body because I didn't let her jump out of the car.
My sister just turned 23 years old and is very ill. I'm desperately in need of help, as I do not know what to do. But please, don't insult me for trying to get help on here.
FYI: I did not send the letter. I posted on this site to gather responses from experienced individuals on the matter. The letter has actually been edited since then; however, I still do not plan on giving it to her. I don't know what I'm going to do with the letter, but it made me feel better to write down my feelings at the time. So that's what I did.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by incitingsilence
I have more for you to think about....Couldn't edit.
And you owe her an apology. I know she used, I know she was high. Why were you restraining her, what was the purpose of this, and why couldn’t she just be left to be? And would she have gotten hurt in that moment if you did just leave her be. Just something to think about.
And How old is she, although I don't think my view would change at all, just curious.
And you owe her an apology. I know she used, I know she was high. Why were you restraining her, what was the purpose of this, and why couldn’t she just be left to be? And would she have gotten hurt in that moment if you did just leave her be. Just something to think about.
And How old is she, although I don't think my view would change at all, just curious.
Joey loves his sister and was trying to help her. She was out of control. In the future, he'll probably realize its best to just call 911 and let the cops deal with her.
I don't agree with blaming family- he's already in enough pain over his sister.
He came here asking for support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: KC MO
Posts: 12
I did call the cops and paramedics. There was nothing I could do at the time though... It was either let her jump out of a vehicle going 45mph or not to let her... It actually saddens me to say this but I actually considered both options... As much as she has hurt herself and the family... I thought that maybe the jumping out of the car option would actually bring her back to reality if it didnt kill her.
I was not driving the vehicle and I don't think anyone would have supported my decision to let her run off into busy traffic in that mindset. I just made an instinctive decision to keep her in the car. As I have said many times before, when I restrained her... It was not violent or physically painful. I would never do anything to physically harm my little sister. She is honestly the one thing in life that I would never be able to recover from losing. Which is why I am here. I need help, advice etc.
She has admitted that she has a pill problem; however, she only tied it to financial problems. She said that she was quitting and she stopped taking pills for 1-5 days (Somewhere in that time frame). The hardest part is that I got a glimpse of my baby sister when she stopped pills for a few days (however long it may have been). She looked, sounded, and acted like her old self that I haven't seen in years. I was truly happy to be around her for the first time in forever.
The reason I say all this is because she has admitted to having financial problems due to pain pills... She is aware that a problem exists. However, she has not tied her problems to anything other than financial burdens. I feel like my main priority she be to try to make her realize that there is much more than financial issues that are being observed from my perspective and that she is an addict. She has yet to admit she is an addict. I just want my sister back. Those few days she was sober have made this process so much harder. I saw my actual sister for a few days and now I want her back for good.
I was not driving the vehicle and I don't think anyone would have supported my decision to let her run off into busy traffic in that mindset. I just made an instinctive decision to keep her in the car. As I have said many times before, when I restrained her... It was not violent or physically painful. I would never do anything to physically harm my little sister. She is honestly the one thing in life that I would never be able to recover from losing. Which is why I am here. I need help, advice etc.
She has admitted that she has a pill problem; however, she only tied it to financial problems. She said that she was quitting and she stopped taking pills for 1-5 days (Somewhere in that time frame). The hardest part is that I got a glimpse of my baby sister when she stopped pills for a few days (however long it may have been). She looked, sounded, and acted like her old self that I haven't seen in years. I was truly happy to be around her for the first time in forever.
The reason I say all this is because she has admitted to having financial problems due to pain pills... She is aware that a problem exists. However, she has not tied her problems to anything other than financial burdens. I feel like my main priority she be to try to make her realize that there is much more than financial issues that are being observed from my perspective and that she is an addict. She has yet to admit she is an addict. I just want my sister back. Those few days she was sober have made this process so much harder. I saw my actual sister for a few days and now I want her back for good.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: KC MO
Posts: 12
After some help from people in the newcomers board.. I have made changes to the original letter I wrote; however, I still have no plan to give it to her. The letter has no more hate in it like my original letter did.
******,
You have no idea how much I love you and how important you are to my life. I love you so much that I must do something that I never thought I could do. Until you get help for your problem with pain pills and drinking, I can't be in contact with you. I will have this letter delivered to you and this will be the last you will hear from me unless you make some drastic changes in your life.
I can’t keep watching you deteriorate. You have become so lost over the years and I have become so bitter. You were always my beautiful, fun-loving, caring sister and I know that you still are underneath your problems. But things have gotten so bad lately.
You need to get help. I don’t care if you don’t think that you have a problem. If you care about and love me enough then you will get help regardless of your opinion of whether or not you are addicted to drugs.
Less than 2 months ago you had a nearly fatal seizure. Last night you physically assaulted me for the duration of our car ride home because I would not let you jump out of a moving car. I had to restrain you while you: punched, kicked, bit, scratched and spit on me. After we arrived home safely, you continued to physically assault me in the front yard. I never retaliated and I even watched as you physically assaulted our mother. You had to be restrained again and then I attempted to carry you into the house while you were still biting, scratching and punching me. As I struggled to carry you up the stairs while you were physically assaulting me, you decided to grab on to the bush so I could not take you inside. At this point you yanked yourself out of my arms and fell to the concrete. I heard your skull smash against the concrete. I had never felt so much heart ache in my entire life.
The cops and paramedics had already been dispatched and arrived shortly after. You resisted arrest with the cops and struggled with the paramedics; however, they finally got you loaded up in the ambulance. Mom, ***** and I drove to the emergency room to find out that you had suffered a fractured skull.
I will do anything I can to help you get better, but I can't sit back and watch while you self destruct. I seriously hope you consider getting help. Whenever you do, I will be here for you.
I will miss you dearly until then,
Joey
(thank you fantail)
******,
You have no idea how much I love you and how important you are to my life. I love you so much that I must do something that I never thought I could do. Until you get help for your problem with pain pills and drinking, I can't be in contact with you. I will have this letter delivered to you and this will be the last you will hear from me unless you make some drastic changes in your life.
I can’t keep watching you deteriorate. You have become so lost over the years and I have become so bitter. You were always my beautiful, fun-loving, caring sister and I know that you still are underneath your problems. But things have gotten so bad lately.
You need to get help. I don’t care if you don’t think that you have a problem. If you care about and love me enough then you will get help regardless of your opinion of whether or not you are addicted to drugs.
Less than 2 months ago you had a nearly fatal seizure. Last night you physically assaulted me for the duration of our car ride home because I would not let you jump out of a moving car. I had to restrain you while you: punched, kicked, bit, scratched and spit on me. After we arrived home safely, you continued to physically assault me in the front yard. I never retaliated and I even watched as you physically assaulted our mother. You had to be restrained again and then I attempted to carry you into the house while you were still biting, scratching and punching me. As I struggled to carry you up the stairs while you were physically assaulting me, you decided to grab on to the bush so I could not take you inside. At this point you yanked yourself out of my arms and fell to the concrete. I heard your skull smash against the concrete. I had never felt so much heart ache in my entire life.
The cops and paramedics had already been dispatched and arrived shortly after. You resisted arrest with the cops and struggled with the paramedics; however, they finally got you loaded up in the ambulance. Mom, ***** and I drove to the emergency room to find out that you had suffered a fractured skull.
I will do anything I can to help you get better, but I can't sit back and watch while you self destruct. I seriously hope you consider getting help. Whenever you do, I will be here for you.
I will miss you dearly until then,
Joey
(thank you fantail)
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I'm so sorry about your sister.
It has taken me an excruciating year of pain and sorrow attempting to reason with my loved one, and protecting my loved one from his choices, to finally let go. It was painful to realize I have absolutely no control. I am not God.
I still love and adore him. But I have boundaries now, and those don't allow for any mistreatment of myself or my family. If he wants to buy alcohol, that is his choice without any needed input by me. If he is homeless, that is his choice. If he wants out of the car, I stop the car and let him out without a word. He is an adult and knows what is right and wrong. I allow him the dignity to live his life as he chooses.
Catching the glimpses of his descent is painful, but he knows we are here to provide a ride to the SA or rehab when he is ready, or to call 911 if he is an immediate threat to himself.
The weight of the world is no longer on me. I can be of greater help to my loved ones by taking care of myself.
Just love her. Let her know you will give her a ride to rehab when she is ready. It will be better for both of you.
Just my experience.
It has taken me an excruciating year of pain and sorrow attempting to reason with my loved one, and protecting my loved one from his choices, to finally let go. It was painful to realize I have absolutely no control. I am not God.
I still love and adore him. But I have boundaries now, and those don't allow for any mistreatment of myself or my family. If he wants to buy alcohol, that is his choice without any needed input by me. If he is homeless, that is his choice. If he wants out of the car, I stop the car and let him out without a word. He is an adult and knows what is right and wrong. I allow him the dignity to live his life as he chooses.
Catching the glimpses of his descent is painful, but he knows we are here to provide a ride to the SA or rehab when he is ready, or to call 911 if he is an immediate threat to himself.
The weight of the world is no longer on me. I can be of greater help to my loved ones by taking care of myself.
Just love her. Let her know you will give her a ride to rehab when she is ready. It will be better for both of you.
Just my experience.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Hi JSawyer...I'm so sorry for what has brought you here. The pain in your letter is so evident. We have all experienced this pain and I'm glad you have found this forum. When I read your first letter I did notice some key phrases that made me go "hmmmm". I agree your sister isn't doing this TO you. I used to feel this way in regards to my son. If only I said the right thing he'd stop doing this to me. He'd stop causing all this angst and chaos. If he only loved me enough. By detaching with love I have learned it really isn't about ME. They have an addiction and by us interferring we are cushioning their bottom. I'm sorry you feel so powerless....I do too. It's a really tough spot to be in. Feeling like if we could just get them to "see" the light of course they'd want to change. It's bigger than that. The reasoning is gone. I have to say your revised version is much closer to the mark. It imparts a lot of love and concern and outlines what you will do to protect yourself in the future. I agree with cynical one in removing the "if you care and love me" line. You've let her know you'll be there for her when she is ready to reclaim her life....but until she is....there isn't much you can do other than work on methods of detachment and gaining your own strength so that when she is ready you are in the best spot possible to help. I don't know what I would have done in the car situation. In that type of craziness we all have to decide for ourselves at the moment. I truly believe, you did what you felt was best at the time. Please continue to come here....al-anon or Nar-anon would be something worth checking out as well. Both of these venues have given me so much strength. I have stopped blocking the doorway so my son's higher power can step in to help. Big hug to you today JSawyer.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
[QUOT]I was not driving the vehicle and I don't think anyone would have supported my decision to let her run off into busy traffic in that mindset][/QUOTE]
I'm not sure of the living situation, does she live with your mom and step dad? Do you also live with them/her?
Again, I believe you setting yourself up for dissapointment. You are basically asking her to chose you over drugs..........it doesn't work that way, you can't manipulate an addict. It's not that simple of a choice for them. If love alone could stop addiction no one would be addicted.
Her financial problems may not be enough of an issue to her. Does she live with your parents?
I'm not sure of the living situation, does she live with your mom and step dad? Do you also live with them/her?
If you care about and love me enough then you will get help regardless of your opinion of whether or not you are addicted to drugs.
Her financial problems may not be enough of an issue to her. Does she live with your parents?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I have decided today that I will remove myself from your addiction and allow you the dignity of finding your own way. I will respect your decision to use, just as I would respect your decision to get well. I will remember that in the end neither should be a gauge to loving you. And neither will be allowed to be just another excuse or sick bit of manipulation. I also understand that I have no idea what is driving you, nor can I expect to understand why you have chosen to live as you do.
While it pains me greatly knowing how the choices you have made to use are hurting you. I can not save you from yourself, only you are capable of that. But I can love you as is and let go.
You could squeeze the above in ... although I think you should burn the letter as a way of letting go, and move on with any need to say anything to her. Let her be, don’t distract her, let he think it all out, see if she can learn something.
The love is no different, just the reactions are.
And I don’t think you were trying to hurt her, but look where the day ended and is anyone any better off than when it started … Or are there just more rifts added, more pain, more confusion.
You called and they wouldn’t take her before the car incident? Trying to understand.
And they you took her and from there…
Did she want to jump for no reason, like just snapped? Oh damn been there done that. Or was she in there and didn’t want to be from the get go, or changed her mind after and wasn’t allowed out? Although I don’t know if any of those really make a difference the second she wanted out she should have been let go. And that doesn’t mean you allow her to jump from the car while it is moving, you pull over and let her out. From what you wrote it doesn’t seem like she wanted to be anywhere near anyone in the car or out of it…
No one in that car was safe with her like that, and no one in your home sounds real safe either from what you shared to this point. Addicts are unpredictable high, out of their minds and just as equally dangerous not high but needing one.
She is 23. She is a big girl, even if she doesn’t act like it. She is not helpless, she is just an addict and drugs oh and that high are more important now than anything. It is how it is, there is no way to make you understand and hopefully never in your life will you find that you do,
Now if you want to learn how to help it is so simple, get help for you, that will give her the best of chances.
And despite all the pain, sadness, anger, horror, fear you may feel or fixate on. She is lost and a mess ... but incapable, NEVER, EVER. And won’t be and shouldn’t be viewed as that no matter how she presents herself.
Love her as is, let her go, and pray lots.
While it pains me greatly knowing how the choices you have made to use are hurting you. I can not save you from yourself, only you are capable of that. But I can love you as is and let go.
You could squeeze the above in ... although I think you should burn the letter as a way of letting go, and move on with any need to say anything to her. Let her be, don’t distract her, let he think it all out, see if she can learn something.
The love is no different, just the reactions are.
And I don’t think you were trying to hurt her, but look where the day ended and is anyone any better off than when it started … Or are there just more rifts added, more pain, more confusion.
You called and they wouldn’t take her before the car incident? Trying to understand.
And they you took her and from there…
Did she want to jump for no reason, like just snapped? Oh damn been there done that. Or was she in there and didn’t want to be from the get go, or changed her mind after and wasn’t allowed out? Although I don’t know if any of those really make a difference the second she wanted out she should have been let go. And that doesn’t mean you allow her to jump from the car while it is moving, you pull over and let her out. From what you wrote it doesn’t seem like she wanted to be anywhere near anyone in the car or out of it…
No one in that car was safe with her like that, and no one in your home sounds real safe either from what you shared to this point. Addicts are unpredictable high, out of their minds and just as equally dangerous not high but needing one.
She is 23. She is a big girl, even if she doesn’t act like it. She is not helpless, she is just an addict and drugs oh and that high are more important now than anything. It is how it is, there is no way to make you understand and hopefully never in your life will you find that you do,
Now if you want to learn how to help it is so simple, get help for you, that will give her the best of chances.
And despite all the pain, sadness, anger, horror, fear you may feel or fixate on. She is lost and a mess ... but incapable, NEVER, EVER. And won’t be and shouldn’t be viewed as that no matter how she presents herself.
Love her as is, let her go, and pray lots.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
You refer to your sister as a baby throughout your posts. Your sister is an adult. She's a grown woman. She deserves the opportunity to make her own choices, even when they aren't good choices, or they aren't the choices that *you* would make.
I too raised my heroin-addicted sister; it was extremely difficult for me to learn how to stop trying to control her, and to learn that my need to constantly save her from herself was my problem, not hers.
I know how hard it is to watch someone you love destroy herself. Keep posting here, it helps, you're not alone in this.
I too raised my heroin-addicted sister; it was extremely difficult for me to learn how to stop trying to control her, and to learn that my need to constantly save her from herself was my problem, not hers.
I know how hard it is to watch someone you love destroy herself. Keep posting here, it helps, you're not alone in this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: KC MO
Posts: 12
My sister recently moved back in with my mother and step father. She has been living with an alcoholic boyfriend who also pops pills. I thought things would get better once she moved back in with my parents; however, the worst of everything has happened... Or maybe I am just aware of all the terrible things that happen now. My sister suffered a nearly fatal seizure, the following week she had cops called to my brothers house (my brother thought he would have her watch his house to give her a little space). Her and her ex boyfriend ended up getting the cops called on them and the police searched all of my brothers house. I still havent heard all the details on that story. This past weekend was the skull fracture. She has been hospitalized for nearly 1/3 of April at this point in time.
My mother is the exact same person as my sister; however, my mother does not have a drinking problem. My mother does take pills and she is still functional but very unstable and depressed at times. My mother and sister are constantly fighting with each other and my mother even supplies my sister with money and pills.
A civil war has erupted with my family because my brother told my mother the truth when she asked "do you think I am part of the problem?" My mother is a huge part of the problem.
There's a lot of other factors that I feel have made a significant impact in all of this. My mother and sister both decided to have gastric bypass surgeries and I seriously believe the surgeries have changed them. They are both so mentally unstable. They both have had issues with depression and bi-polar issues and it seems like they have been taking an arsenal of prescription drugs over the past few years. There are just so many things that, I feel, have contributed to this situation.
The whole car ride situation. You have no idea how many times I've thought about all the possible scenarios that night. My work is suffering badly right now because I can't focus or think clearly because I can't get the regrets off my chest. I keep seeing the moment that my sisters head split against the concrete and my heart re breaks every time. I have been crying since Friday and can't figure out what to do. I just can't get the image out of my head.
My mother is the exact same person as my sister; however, my mother does not have a drinking problem. My mother does take pills and she is still functional but very unstable and depressed at times. My mother and sister are constantly fighting with each other and my mother even supplies my sister with money and pills.
A civil war has erupted with my family because my brother told my mother the truth when she asked "do you think I am part of the problem?" My mother is a huge part of the problem.
There's a lot of other factors that I feel have made a significant impact in all of this. My mother and sister both decided to have gastric bypass surgeries and I seriously believe the surgeries have changed them. They are both so mentally unstable. They both have had issues with depression and bi-polar issues and it seems like they have been taking an arsenal of prescription drugs over the past few years. There are just so many things that, I feel, have contributed to this situation.
The whole car ride situation. You have no idea how many times I've thought about all the possible scenarios that night. My work is suffering badly right now because I can't focus or think clearly because I can't get the regrets off my chest. I keep seeing the moment that my sisters head split against the concrete and my heart re breaks every time. I have been crying since Friday and can't figure out what to do. I just can't get the image out of my head.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by jsawyer1987
There's a lot of other factors that I feel have made a significant impact in all of this.
The whole car ride situation. You have no idea how many times I've thought about all the possible scenarios that night. My work is suffering badly right now because I can't focus or think clearly because I can't get the regrets off my chest. I keep seeing the moment that my sisters head split against the concrete and my heart re breaks every time. I have been crying since Friday and can't figure out what to do. I just can't get the image out of my head.
The whole car ride situation. You have no idea how many times I've thought about all the possible scenarios that night. My work is suffering badly right now because I can't focus or think clearly because I can't get the regrets off my chest. I keep seeing the moment that my sisters head split against the concrete and my heart re breaks every time. I have been crying since Friday and can't figure out what to do. I just can't get the image out of my head.
It is so shocking when we realize what has become of our loved ones. There is no reasoning or explanation. Regardless of what has happened in the past, we can choose recovery. You can choose recovery for yourself, just as your loved ones can. Loving detachment can help with that, as well as reading here, reading codependent no more, and attending alanon.
I see myself one year ago in you. Don't go down with ship. You feel the weight of the world on you right now. Let it go. It is not for you to fix.
You might want to check websites and books on adult children of alcoholics. Even if it doesn't exactly apply, it helps those of us who grew up in dysfunctional homes, whether due to alcohol, drugs, mental illness or other issues. It sounds like that may apply to you too.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It seems that you have an alliance with your brother, you both seem to be on the same page in regard to your mother enabling your sister to continue to use pills.
Do you live with them? Reason I ask is because it’s so important for you to be able to have a safe – quiet place away from them and all the drama.
Listen you did what you did with the only knowledge you had at the time. Moving forward you now know better then to try and control your sister physically or mentally.
We all learn from past experience. Like I’m sure your brother learned never to have her watch his home again as long as he knows she is using.
You sound like you are the “fixer” in the family, holding them all together and they are used to you doing/helping and taking charge……would that be right?
Do you live with them? Reason I ask is because it’s so important for you to be able to have a safe – quiet place away from them and all the drama.
Listen you did what you did with the only knowledge you had at the time. Moving forward you now know better then to try and control your sister physically or mentally.
We all learn from past experience. Like I’m sure your brother learned never to have her watch his home again as long as he knows she is using.
You sound like you are the “fixer” in the family, holding them all together and they are used to you doing/helping and taking charge……would that be right?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: KC MO
Posts: 12
Yeah, finally moved out a little over a year ago because of family instability issues. Basically, my mother told me that she was talking to another guy and was going to move in with him. Less than 3 days after hearing this I decided to move out of my parent's house. It has truly been a blessing in disguise. I needed the quiet place away from them and all the drama that follows.
As for being the fixer.. I guess you could say that. I am the most stable one of them all. My brother and I were never really close but have grown closer due to all this drama. However, he has no sensor nor does he have the ability to see any other viewpoint besides his own. Therefore, he tends to make most situations even more difficult. I'm the person in the house that is always trying to keep the peace.
As for being the fixer.. I guess you could say that. I am the most stable one of them all. My brother and I were never really close but have grown closer due to all this drama. However, he has no sensor nor does he have the ability to see any other viewpoint besides his own. Therefore, he tends to make most situations even more difficult. I'm the person in the house that is always trying to keep the peace.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It may be the time for you to focus on YOU and have little and controled contact with them.
What I mean by that is, don't go over there unless your in the right frame of mind and when you do, make it short and sweet.
If you don't want to anwer your phone then turn it off. Focus on your job and you.
Try and find an al-anon meeting in your area.
What I mean by that is, don't go over there unless your in the right frame of mind and when you do, make it short and sweet.
If you don't want to anwer your phone then turn it off. Focus on your job and you.
Try and find an al-anon meeting in your area.
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